The Secret
One
Torch wakes up shaking.
He's had another one of The Dreams, which richly deserve their capital letters. The details are foggy, as always, but he can still feel the dim touch of hands on him, with the two attendant sensations. Guilt and fear, of course, that someone could find out—but even worse, desire. His heart is pounding in his chest, and it's not just the fact that he would die if anyone else knew. It's that, even awake, he wants it.
"Torch?"
Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuckcakes fucksauce.
Eli's calm, gentle, concerned voice could not have come at a worse time. Torch briefly considers rolling back over and pretending to be asleep, but he knows just how stupid Eli isn't. He'll definitely get caught, and then he'll have even more explaining to do. Much better to avoid the whole thing, have a quick conversation now, and then fake exhaustion and go to sleep. "Yeah?"
"What's wrong?"
"Just a bad dream. That's all."
"Tell me about it."
And that is the worst thing about Torch's best friend. When there's a question you really, really, don't want to answer, he somehow knows it, but his psychic sixth sense is tainted so he somehow thinks it's a good idea to ask. "I don't want to."
"Come on." From the other bed, Torch can hear Eli's sheets rustling. And coming over here is a terrible idea. It's the worst thing Eli could possibly do at this moment.
"I'm fine, really…"
"You know you can trust me, right?" With the sound of soft footsteps, Torch realizes Eli is kneeling next to his bed. His voice is soft, and intense, and Torch has to shove away some thoughts that really don't belng.
"Of course I do."
"So you can tell me."
He can't. He really, really can't. Anything else in the world, he'd tell Eli, but this? He can't possibly. Even if it were someone else, if it weren't Eli that his secret is about, he might be able to… but he can't ask Eli to keep this kind of secret. It's more than just disgusting and wrong, it's illegal, and he doesn't want Eli facing that risk any more than he wants to look at the hate in his beloved friend's eyes when Torch tells him.
"Torch." Now his voice is firm, but still full of love and concern, still incredibly gentle.
"I can't, Eli."
"Yes, you can." He flicks the light on, and Torch immediately blushes, seeing Eli's eyes focused intensely on his face.
"Don't."
"I thought you said you trusted me, Torch. What can possibly be this big a deal?"
"It's not… it's not that…" And now the guilt trip commences.
"Then why won't you tell me?"
Torch's whole face must be bright red by now. "I just can't."
"Why not?"
"Please drop it, Eli," Torch whispers, and Eli's eyes widen.
He reaches out, like he's going to touch Torch, but of course he doesn't. "What are you scared of, Torch? Just tell me that. You don't have to tell me what the dream was about, just tell me what's scaring you so badly."
"You'll hate me," Torch finally admits, his fingernails digging into his hand. "If you ever knew. You'd hate me."
And of all the things he shouldn't do, Eli starts laughing.
After a few minutes, Torch says his name quietly, and then louder. "Eli. Eli!"
"S…sorry," Eli manages around his giggles. "It's… just… that's the most… ridiculous…"
"Eli, are you quite all right?"
"That… I…" He takes a deep breath. "Sorry. Really. Just… I could never. And I'm only laughing because I don't want to get pissed off at you, first of all you're already upset and secondly it's the middle of the night. Do you honestly believe there's anything you could do that could make me hate you?"
There is, in fact, an answer to that question, but he doesn't think Eli is going to like it, so he doesn't say anything.
"Torch, you're my best friend. You're my only friend. Forever, right?"
"Forever," Torch manages, his throat thick with tears that he is not going to cry, thank you very much.
"So," Eli says brightly, "is it a girl?" and it's Torch's turn to laugh hysterically. "What?"
Torch doesn't answer, just waves him off, gasping for air. "Go… go… back to sleep…"
"Okay." He shuts off the light. "You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Need anything?"
Torch fights off the wholly inappropriate urge to ask Eli to stay, and says instead, "For you to shut up and let me get some sleep."
"All right. See you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow."