A/N-This is what happens when speedrent posts a chalange and you want to write for it but it's 3 in the morning... it's crazy. Look out for Brittney Spears and TomCruise. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Regis
Hello and welcome to the Regis and… wait, which girl are you? I've had so many on this show that I really don't remember which is which.
Kelly
KELLY! For the five millionth time, it's KELLY
Regis
Oh, whatever… don't get your blond hair in a knot Kathy.
Kelly
KELLY
Regis
Fine. Okay, so on today's show, we have many special guests that Kath here will try to flirt with, even though her husband and kids are sitting right there. Hi Kelly's husband and kids!
Kelly
Hey! You got my name right!
Regis
What was that Cyndy?
Kelly
Nothing…
Regis
Okay, so back to our guests today. We have Roger Davis, the lead singer of the new band the Well Hungarians. If you didn't know, the Well Hungarians have had their hit song, 'Book of Endings', on the top of the charts for three weeks.
Regis (continued)
Yes, yes, a huge accomplishment for Mr. Davis. He's also gorgeous!
Kelly
Uh, Reege, you think he's gorgeous?
Regis
NO!
Kelly
Um, okay… we also have Tom Cruise and surprise guest Brittney Spears for no particular reason!
Regis
So here's the part where we talk about stuff that isn't exactly important, but housewives get their share of pop culture from it, so we blabber on about it anyway. Sarah, do you have anything to talk about?
Kelly
Kelly does, SARAHdoesn't!
Regis
Okay then, lets just cut to our first guest, Roger Davis!
Kelly
So, Roger, your band's first album Your Eyes has been at the top of the charts for weeks now. How does that feel?
Roger
Well, it's just… great. I mean, we never even had a record before this, and just out of nowhere… wow. A lot of stuff really fast.
Regis
Girls?
Kelly
Regis!
Regis
What? It's a legitimate question!
Roger
Ah, it's okay. Um well, yeah. Our band was big on the small club circuit in the later 80's, but nothing like this.
Regis
Anyone you've got your eye on?
Kelly
REGIS! He's not a fourteen year old boy!
Roger
Nah, it's okay. I wouldn't cheat.
Kelly
Oh… I know tons of ladies who are really upset by that! Who is she?
Roger
Uh, well the thing about that is-
Kelly
OH MY GOD! IT'S TOM CRUISE! EVERYONE ACT SURPRISED BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO, THOUGH I TOLD YOU TEN MINUTES AGO!
Tom Cruise
I EAT COUCH!
Regis
Oh, Tom, there are easier ways to get your fiber-
Tom Cruise
I EAT HIM!
Roger
Me?
Tom Cruise
YOU!
Kelly
RUN ROGER! Without that girl attached to his side, he's rabid! He eats people who don't own sonograms in their home!
Tom Cruise
YOU NO OWN SONOGRAM! ME EAT YOU!
Announcer
Please stay with us during this short commercial break
Regis
So, we're back, Tom Cruise's got a tranquilizer bullet in his ass, and we're here with my co-host Ann Abernathy-
Kelly
KELLY RIPA
Regis
Whatever! Get over it, blondie. But we also have Roger Davis, and we're repeating this because we expect people to have tuned in, which I personally doubt. And Roger's single "Book of Endin-
Kelly
Who cares? He's hot!
Roger
Uh… Kelly, your kid…
Kelly
I have a kid?
Regis
Roger, so you were talking about not cheating. Whose the lucky lady?
Roger
Uh well, it's not a lucky lad-
Regis
Oh, look! It's our friend Britney Spears!
Kelly
Oh I hate that bitch.
Britney Spears
Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that I'm really pregnant, even though it's obvious.
Kelly
Well I have kids!
Britney
Uh, who cares?Anyway, the kids due in a week
Roger
And you're telling this now?
Britney
Well my album is coming out tomorrow… and I needed some excuse for my gaining weight. I'm eating for two! Ben and Jerrys has this great new flavor too…
Regis
Uh, whose the dude with the machine gun?
Kelly
Dude with a machine gun?
Roger
What the (beeped out)! Collins!
Collins
Yeah, I'm here to shoot you all
Kelly
Uh, why?
Collins
Because you're as annoying as fuck. Rog, get Mark and help me!
Roger
Gladly. Marky! Get down here!
Mark
Yeah?
Roger
We're gonna shoot these bitches
Mark
YAY!
Collins
Now you guys are gonna have hot 'we killed Tom Cruise sex?
Regis
What?
Collins
Yeah, you never let him say he was gay, idiot boy. Britney Spears and Rabid Cruise were interrupting.
Kelly
Oh… he's still hot
Regis
Before we're shot by a gay rock star, his boyfriend, and their crazy friend, I just wanted to tell you all to buy my new record, The Regis Philman Chrismas Album!
Kelly
Regis, shameless pimping before you die? God, that's so like you
Britney
Whatever… get on with it!
Tom Cruise
WAIT! I'll give you free tickets to M:I:III if you don't shoot us!
Mark
Uh, I'd kill you if you did
Tom Cruise
Oh. Well how 'bout if you don't?
Mark
Well then we won't kill you
Tom Cruise
Deal!
Regis
………..
Kelly
…………..
Britney
…………………….
Tom Cruise
……………………………………
Mark
What do we do now?
Collins
Let's dance on the tables!
Roger
Okay!
Announcer
Thank you for watching the Regis and Kelly show! Next week, superstar Maureen Jefferson-Johnson and Joan Rivers!