Easier

by Normative Jean

Things would be so much easier if he was attracted to Teyla.

Title: Easier
Author: Normative Jean
Rating: G
Category: general/character-specific/pre-ship
Pairing: technically none, but John/Teyla and John/Elizabeth in thoughts
Disclaimer: not mine, oh so totally not mine.
Spoilers: through "Before I Sleep"
Author's Notes: not beta'd, so point your flame throwers my way.
Summary: Things would be so much easier if he was attracted to Teyla.

Teyla was exactly the kind of woman he should have been attracted to.

She was beautiful, exotic, spirited, and a warrior. She was the kind of woman who made men turn their heads and look at twice. She was the kind of woman men lusted after.

He really wished he was attracted to her.

Really, John mused, Teyla Emmagan was one fine specimen of woman. He knew, he knew that he should be attracted to her. He flirted the way he always did with a beautiful woman, went out of his way to explain things to her. He knew there were many areas in which he could gently guide her, be the man, as it were. She was alone amongst members of a foreign culture, after all. Teyla's naiveté towards Earth culture was endearing, and absolutely demanded that someone be there to show her around the societal nuances highlighted by the members of the Atlantis expedition.

She was strong, to be sure, but John knew Teyla was often confused by the casual references and vernacular in their speech. Since she was living among the Earth-born Atlanteans, it was only natural that he would want to be there to help her understand. She needed someone to do that.

And John Sheppard was nothing if not courteous to those in need. If he was honest with himself, he would admit that being Teyla's guide through Atlantis made him feel proud. The little glint of confusion that would come into her eyes when McKay or Ford started arguing the relative merits of hockey versus football just begged for him to swoop in and rescue her. Despite all the hardships she had faced during her life, Teyla was remarkably naive.

She was the perfect mix of beauty, strength, and innocence. She could take care of herself in physical situations but needed someone for the downtime.

John couldn't understand why he wasn't attracted to Teyla.

He tried. Lord knew, John had tried to be attracted to Teyla. But it wasn't there with her. That indefinable something that made the air between two people crackle ever so slightly, that made the pit of the stomach quiver just so. That thing that made you sit up and take notice. The sad fact of the matter was that, more often than not, John got the distinct impression Teyla was silently laughing at him and his attempts to impress her. There was always something lighting up her eyes, but he had long since stopped mistaking it for attraction. Rather, he was starting to accept that he and his silly Earth antics were a good source of comic relief in between fire-fights with the Wraith. And, as long as he was being honest with himself, he saw Teyla as a friend, nothing more. A good friend, and someone he felt truly lucky to know, but John didn't unconsciously notice when she was near him.

He always turned his head when Elizabeth Weir walked in the room.

Therein lies the problem, Johnny-boy.

He wasn't quite sure when it started. Dr. Weir was a woman who commanded respect, to be sure. And he had seen the way even the military personnel in Atlantis responded to her presence from the beginning. They stood up straighter and genuinely accepted her orders; John had found there was more trouble with the civilian scientists regarding her leadership than there ever was with the military. John thought it ironic that a woman who had made her career out of rendering the armed forces obsolete was accepted without question by the military and yet faced roadblocks with the scientists among whose number she counted herself. Hell, he remembered quite clearly that Bates had seriously questioned following John's orders instead of Dr. Weir's; that there had even been a moment where the sergeant would have followed a civilian instead of his military CO spoke volumes about Dr. Weir's command abilities. And he had heard about her run-in with Dr. Kavanagh, a story that did not please him in the slightest. That the man had had the audacity to question Dr. Weir's commitment to the scientific and humanitarian aspects of their mission was ludicrous...!

And now here he was, alone in his quarters, mentally defending his mission commander against a months-old argument he hadn't even witnessed. He never thought about things like this unless it was late at night and he was alone. What he felt for his commanding officer was not something to be considered anywhere else.

There was nothing wrong with a little healthy respect for one's commanding officer. John knew this, and having a great deal of respect for this particular commanding officer was nothing extraordinary. Elizabeth Weir saddled up and took an international expedition to another galaxy! For crying out loud, they're on the other side of the universe! John didn't think there was anything wrong with respecting a womanhell, anyonewho could handle such a task. And she did it with aplomb. So really, there was no reason not to have a healthy amount of respect for her.

John admired her as well, he knew this. The incident involving the discovery of Dr. Weir's other, older self showed John just how much emotional abuse the woman could take and still remain standing. He was truly in awe of her; she kept that soft smile on her face the whole time OldWeiras he had taken to calling her in his thoughtsand charged ahead into the unknown and gotten the story from her older self without blinking. No matter how disturbing or depressing the tale became, Dr. Weir listened to it all and came out the other side with her mental health intact. John hadn't been kidding when he told her he hadn't thought Atlantis could get any weirder. For her composure alone, John admired Dr. Weir.

Really, though, he could call her Elizabeth in his own head, right? He'd never had any problem with such a thing before, and it did disturb him a little that he so consciously kept up an air of professionalism with this CO, even in his private thoughts. Always in the past, when his CO's had granted permission for more casual interaction, John had never had any trouble keeping friendship and the job separate. He could count on one hand the number of times he's called her "Elizabeth" to her face in the six months that they've been here.

Would it be so bad, really, if he called her Elizabeth during their downtime; after the power consoles had been turned off and the day staff had gone to bed? What could possibly happen?

John knew, unfortunately, exactly what would happen.

He would begin to slip and call her Elizabeth during the day, during work as well. It would be casual, accidental at first, maybe in passing as McKay is showing off some new Ancient device, or during a mission briefing. She would look up, startled, that slightly wide-eyed look on her face, and then she would smile nervously and brush it off as a mishap. He knew this, because that was how she handled new personal developments in her life. He knew this about her.

It would happen more often, after that. The first time, she would ask him if he was all right, giving him an out for his strange behavior. And he would take it, give her the half-smirk he knows he had when he was embarrassed, and life would go on as normal. But it would happen more often, because the floodgates would have been opened. John was not a subtle man, and when he set on a course of action, he followed it through, loudly and clearly. He thought back on all the times he'd disagreed with Elizabeth, from that very first day when he let her know exactly what he thought about holding back on a rescue mission. John knew that if he started calling her Elizabeth, he wouldn't stop.

He knew that he only ever got so worked up about the women he really liked. John remembered his first serious crush, Becky Watershed in the eighth grade, and how he used to plan every word he said to her, even casual "hello's" in the hallway between gym class and algebra. The first woman he really loved, at age nineteen, Jennifer Cole. She had red hair, too, now that he thought about it. He remembered looking at Jennifer one day while sitting in the coffee shop where she worked, and just knowing. He decided right then and there that he would pursue her, in between flight training and mechanical engineering at the Academy. John Sheppard had never played the "what-if-maybe" game in matters of the heart.

There would be nothing holding him back after that. He had purposely ignored or denied any signals Elizabeth may have given him in the past, because any chance that his feelings were reciprocatedor even that she was interested at allwould have meant that John would go ahead with his course of action. When John wanted something, neither Heaven nor Hell could stop him from attaining it, and if he thought there was even the slightest chance that he would not be rejected he knew he would turn up the charm. He would smile more, flirt more openly with her, not wait until the dark of night to use her first name.

He would spend more time alone with her even when there were no pressing Atlantis concerns to be discussed. He would talk about things not related to their jobs. He would talk about his life before this, and ask her about hers. He knew that she had an older brother; that she liked playing auntie to her three nephews; that she grew up much more privileged than John had. He knew these things, but there was so much more he didn't. He didn't know if she always wanted to go into politics; he didn't know who her first love was; he didn't know what she wanted to name her children someday.

He did know that she left someone behind.

And John would be respectful of that and take his time, but he would not be hesitant. If he gave in, if he allowed himself that one small temptation, he would seek her out. John knew that he would look for the signs that she was looking at him, and he would take the chance, damn the consequences. It would be so easy to forget who she was, who they were, what they had to do. She made forgetting that she's his boss and that they're leaders among men look so tempting. Too tempting.

Which was why he knew it would be a bad idea for him to start calling his commanding officer by her first name, like he wanted to.

Really, things would be so much easier if he was attracted to Teyla.

The End