oh good lord it's back

01/10/16: Back in Hack

Not very long ago, there was a colony of imps that lived underneath a terrible place called Stevenage.

Now these imps had very little do with their time. They couldn't go above the ground, as the tunnel to the outside world led through the railway station and none of them had a platform ticket. They couldn't visit other imp colonies, because all the other imps thought they were obnoxious. So instead, they resided in their caves, surfing the internet night and day, and sometimes playing Monopoly and getting into fights.

One day, the imps found a website called . The imps were pleased at this discovery, as they had needed to renew their Avatar fix since that show had ended. And as they searched this website, the imps grew confused. They wondered why there were lewd stories of Sokka and Bolin having M-rated encounters - didn't they know that this was impossible? They lived in two different time periods, for Pete's sakes! But eventually, they learned to love the website and all its flaws.

But they never got accounts. They preferred to leave mass anonymous reviews, usually containing generic copy-paste replies and unreasonable demands. The imps, as you may recall, were obnoxious.

One day, late in October, the imps discovered a series called Halloween Unspectacular. And it was an appalling series, full of strange prompts, badly-written drama and 'comedy jokes', but it appealed to the imps' appreciation for schlock. So, one by one, on every chapter, they each left the same message - gr8 m8 8/8 do more plz.

There were thirty-three thousand three hundred and thirty three imps.

The author's review moderation screen buckled under the weight, and it took him many, many months to review all of these submissions. But by the beginning of October, he was done, and come to the erroneous conclusion that Halloween Unspectacular was the most popular series in fanfiction history.

In short, blame the imps.

The computer room of my house had been converted for the occasion. Rows of desks had been made, behind each of which sat a person with a notepad. Above the door was a sign that proclaimed 'muses.'

Suddenly, a military drum-beat began to sound in the distance. The door flew open as I entered the room. I grabbed my British Army helmet from the mantelpiece, threw it on, and began.

"Let's get down to business...to write up some crap!"

I began to march between the desks.

"We'll need lots of caffeine! Can't afford to nap!"

I leaned over Danny's desk, narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms.

"You couldn't write a tale to save your lives," I shrugged, "But then again, that's nothing new..." I pointed obnoxiously in his face, "Mister I'll make a hack out of you!"

The scene suddenly shifted to my yard, as if this was some kind of musical number. Whiteboards had been set up - I was inspecting the ideas written on them.

"If you cannot brainstorm, then you're out of luck," I declared.

I shook my head at Danny's whiteboard, which was blank.

"We need every idea, even if they suck!" I bellowed.

"It's a poorly-written messy plot," I said, shifting through bits of note-paper, "Where it goes, I've not a clue."

I shoved them into Tucker's chest, shaking my head.

"Somehow I'll make a hack out of you!" I vowed, "Ha!"

The scene shifted again, now back to the muse room.

"I wish I didn't write so slow," groaned Timmy.

"Really need to find a new job," muttered Danny.

"Man, I really wish I'd come here with Steven!" lamented Connie, smacking her head into the desk.

"Obligatory Cameo," said Plankton, standing on the windowsill.

"Sucks so much it makes me so-ob!" declared Stan, holding up his notes.

"What the heck is this I do not e-veeeeeen?!" asked Kamala, staring at her notes in confusion.

Be a haaaaaack...

"We must print concepts like Weimar bank notes," I said, watching my printer print notes.

Be a haaaaaack...

"With the coherency of Dan Brown," I said, reading The Da Vinci Code upside-down.

Be a haaaaaack...

"With all the subtlety of steamrollers," I said, slamming the notes with a mallet labelled 'my point.'

"The quality of an ep of T...T Goooooooooo!" I bellowed, watching Danny, Connie and Kamala watch an episode of Teen Titans Go in horrified confusion.

"Time is racing t'wards us," I shouted, pacing the desks, "'Till deadlines arrive!"

"Shut out all your logic," I advised, throwing a dictionary out the window, "And you might survive!"

I leaned over Danny's desk, shaking my head at the quality of his notes.

"Your work's too good to fit in here," I said, "So pack up, go home, you're through!"

"How could I make a hack out of you?" I asked as Danny walked away.

Be a haaaaaack...

We must print concepts like Weimar bank notes...

Danny sat at home, narrowing his eyes as he stared at his computer screen. He chugged a can of energy drink and began to type.

Be a haaaaaack...

With the coherency of Dan Brown...

The next morning, a visibly exhausted Danny printed his work.

Be a haaaaaack...

With all the subtlety of steamrollers...

I looked over Danny's work, clearly utterly confused and bewildered.

The quality of an ep of T...T Goooooooooo!

I smiled and gave him a thumbs-up - it was perfect.

Be a haaaaaack...

"We must print concepts like Weimar bank notes!" the muses exclaimed, arranged in military formation for no particularly good reason.

Be a haaaaaack...

"With the coherency of Dan Brown!"

Be a haaaaaack...

"With all the subtlety of steamrollers!"

"The quality of an ep of T...T Goooooooooo!"

I nodded, looking over the last of the notes.

"We're in business."

"Welcome back to 's least favourite Halloween tradition!" I exclaimed, sitting around a table, "We took a year to recharge and now we're back!"

"And what exactly is new about HU6?" asked Danny.

"Absolutely nothing, actually," I shrugged, "It's the same deal - comedy on even days, drama on odd days, so on and so forth..."

"You forgetting something?" demanded Tucker.

"Oh, right, that," I nodded, "We're starting a new overarching canon. You might remember the Camelot/magic/what-have-you stories from the last three or so HUs? Well, that story ended, so we're starting a new one this year!"

"So no Fiddley Thing?" asked Tucker.

"I never said that."

"And the contest this year?" said Danny.

"Yeah, I'm changing that up," I nodded, "I'm going to make it less vague. As you know, I'm terrible at actually making prizes and I think that's because I promise too much. So from now on, there is going to be one winner of the one-shot contest a week and they'll get a drawing of their choice...within reason...on Tumblr and dA."

"This week's word is Reboot, and remember that there's no word limit," said Danny.

"Well, that's about it," I nodded.

I turned to the muses, who were standing off to the left.

"All you people get out of my house."

AN: What? I couldn't just throw some introduction message for the new beginning, could I?