Summary:Collaboration by anime-heroine and Spirit Caller. Asuka-centric. There was more to my feelings than a simple, "Let's meet up again someday" or "I'm glad that I met you". No, it was much more intricate and thoughtful, but knowing us, it was to be expected. Nothing was normal or conventional about us, but maybe that was the reason I had to let go.
Heroine: I needed to rewrite this. That's all, really.
Spirit: And rewrite this she did. It's not really mine anymore, since she kind of tore my original piece apart and added all these weird… things. Oh well.
Note before reading: All paragraphs written fully in italics are the actions Asuka is doing at that moment. The other paragraphs are what she is writing. I apologize in advance if it's confusing.
Changes
I stare down at the blank sheet of binder paper in front of me and think to myself, "Why am I doing this?" It occurs to me that it is late at night, – almost 12:30AM – and that I still have so much work to be done, but I shake my head and pick up a pencil. These thoughts that have been weighing down my chest for a few years have recently been resurfaced.
With a reluctant sigh, I twirl my pencil with two fingers and scratch the side of my head gently with my other hand. For a moment, I look at the lines on the page, still debating what I should do. With another shake of my head, I grip the pencil harder and lean over to correct the desk lamp. When the lamp finally spotlights the paper, I begin to write.
I don't know why, but it seems that whenever my thoughts float back to the times we had at Duel Academia, I see your smiling face in my mind.
Even after all these years, I can still picture your kind smile, your bright and caring chocolate brown eyes, your rebellious, two-tone haircut... Everything is perfectly placed in my mind, as if some piece of my subconscious wants to believe that you'll come back, even if I myself doubt that notion.
I always thought that I was wrong not to tell you how I feel, but I understand now that it was wrong in the first place to ever think that you would really love me back. You were the kind of guy that was a loving person, but that certain type of love was not at all romantic – for anyone.
Not for Rei-san…
And most definitely not for me.
I looked at Rei Saotome with such envy when you two got along – not just during the tag duel tournament, but every second you spent together made it obvious that you two were close friends.
Sho Marufuji, your best friend, would always question your acts, but would always end up following in your footsteps no matter what decision you made. He never wanted you to do what he felt was wrong, but when you look ahead into the future, tell us exactly what you want to do and actually do it, it's hard to say "No."
Johan Andersen was the same. Though he was not there during our first year, it was clear that you two were almost twins, but more importantly, inseparable. When he was lost in that other dimension, a deep part of you was destroyed, and you were crushed under the belief that it was because of you that he was gone.
But it wasn't your fault.
And all of your friends would tell you the same.
Everyone else, the many other friends we shared at Duel Academia, had their own special and unique personality. With people like the insane Manjoume Thunder to dinosaur lover Tyranno Kenzan around, it was obvious that we had our own band of misfits. You were even close to my two best friends, Junko and Momoe, after a short amount of time.
Of course, there were the others who transferred in; Jim "Crocodile" Cook, Austin O'Brien, Edo Phoenix… When you met each of them, it seemed like you were excited to try and duel new people and create new bonds and friendships, but when the incident with Yubel happened…
My hands tremble as I lift my hand away from the paper sitting in front of me.
The memories of Yubel, the other dimension and the feeling of death flood through the crumbling dam I have created to stop these very thoughts from coming through.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, not wanting to see that world anymore.
When my eyes open, I take my pencil and write about someone else.
Manjoume was like a rival to you; he wanted to be better than you in as many ways as he could, but the result would never turn out without some sort of supernatural occurrence or random disruption. It was as if he were angry at you for something, but he cared for you in his own way, whether he wanted to show it or not.
In complete contrast, Kenzan was downright positive that you were his fated Aniki, and he always fought Sho for the title of being your second-hand man. You never minded it, mainly because you didn't understand why they were fighting.
Speaking of fighting for something…
My brother somehow got into arguments with Thunder about how to "hook me up" with certain people. You would get caught in their messes most of the time, though I'm not exactly sure how you were related to the problem in the first place. Perhaps it was because of Nii-san's insane ideas on trying to get us to date…
Then there was me.
You and I…
We're different.
Incompatible, to say the least.
You're that silly, goofy, whole-heartedguy I love. You don't need too much help. Maybe a hand here and there to get you back on track, but you don't need much. Whatever you set your mind to, you would do without doubting yourself one bit.
I'm the opposite.
I seem… No. No, I am too serious. I may look independent, but since you came along, I feel so…
I hastily scribble out "I seem" and "so..." before I can continue those sentences to their full extent.
I feel like I need someone to prop myself on every time I get stuck.
Sometimes I wonder exactly what was it that I aiming for.
But does it matter anymore?
Juudai, I know.
I can tell that I never should have tried to get closer to you.
Jim told me what happened… in the other world.
There is only one you love and that is Yubel, the one you fused yourself with.
I cannot ever fight against that kind of force…
But even if I had the power I could not fight against her, because I knew you loved her. She was who you wanted, not me. You may claim to have fused with her (and I'm quite sure you don't deny loving her) just to simply "save us" but if you look into our,your friends, eyes, you know we aren't buying it.
I… I stopped myself from confessing that night.
If you stayed, you deserved the truth.
But you didn't stay, Juudai, and now you will neverknow what I was going to say.
I wanted to tell you three simple words.
If you looked beyond that, into the future, you would know that those three words would change our friendship into something not so simple.
I love you.
Really. I do.
I still can't believe it, but I guess there's no denying the truth.
If I had told you that I loved you, there would easily be a chance you wouldn't respond… in what I would think was a… positive way.
I may have quickly let my mind dissolve the fact that you rejected me, but on your side…
Not quite as easy.
It would have hurt for you.
The guilt for saying no to me would have taken more time to sink in. There would be more pain.
Even if you hadrecovered quickly, I don't think that you'd stay in a friendship with me. Maybe, but it would be a lot more awkward – a, simply put, one-sided love.
In the note I wrote to you, I wanted to tell you everything I feel at this moment.
But I didn't.
I couldn't.
In my head, I see myself writing, "Let's meet up together someday, okay?"
What I wrote was only a small piece of the truth.
The truth, huh...
My head and heart hurts whenever I think of that nightafter the tag duel tournament.
Within seconds, I am transported to that night, all those years ago. The sun has already set over the beautiful blue ocean. The dock is filled with lights from the incoming ships… and my heart is fluttering erratically, but I am trying to calm my breathing down. "I… I had always…" I can hear the fear and hesitation in my voice, so I stop. Because I'm scared.
I looked at your confused and almost naïve face.
I cut myself off and said something completely different, but all the while, true.
"I'm just really glad to have met you." In a split second, I know what I said was the right thing to say. Nothing would change what we were, what we are or what we could have been.
That look in your eyes changed what I wanted.
You left me hanging.
We were about to part, but then…
"Gotcha! Thanks for such a fun duel! …Asuka…"
You shouted your infamous quote and winked, your trademark pose shocking me into a blast from the past.
That smile. You implanted it in my mind without thinking.
I dream of you each night.
The things I dream of… I… I dream of the times we had and a future that will never exist.
We're so very close, but yet, we're so far.
My feelings will never change.
Yours won't change either, Juudai Yuuki.
That's the truth.
I lay my head on the desk and put my pencil down, poking at the holes in the binder paper. After a few minutes of my eyes serenely closed, I sit up and fold the paper in half. With a sigh, I crumple it up and throw it into the trash like it's just another piece of paper. As I close the light and get ready for bed, a single thought occurs to me:
It really is just another piece of paper if he never knows how I felt.
If nothing else changes.
(X)(X)(X)(X)(X)(X)(X)
(Rewritten: 8/3/12. Fully edited by myself: 9/13/12. Original: sometime December '09)
I know it's confusing, but I've always been a pretty confusing person. I'm not that great of a write, I understand, but I just wanted to see if I could… well, write. I've been in a slump the past three or so months, and I've always wanted to rewrite this one.
So if it's bad, I'm sorry. Please, no flames, but reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated.
-Sketched Hero (previously "A Broken Heroine" and "anime-heroine")