(A/N) Not mine. Of course. This is a short, angsty one-shot. And I mean short and angsty. Shorter and angstier than I realised. But I couldn't get it out of my head and in a weird way, it's kind of what I've been feeling like for the past couple of weeks, so it's good to let the angstiness out in this way. I hope you enjoy it!
Life does not seem worth the hassle sometimes. He's stuck in some forest, it's dark and he's bloody lost. He's afraid of what might happen. To him, his family, his friends, his world. He's ashamed of it; of feeling afraid. Nobody else in his family seems to be showing any signs of being utterly terrified to the core, and hell, Fred and George seem to be looking forward to the bloodbath that was sure to come.
He's just shameful, a failure. There are times when, looking at his best friends, he realises he doesn't fit in. He's not special; he's just the bloody comic relief; the stupid, unnecessary one they keep around for kicks. It scares him when he realises that he doesn't help in any great way when doing anything; that he could quite literally be blown off the face of the earth and apart from a short mourning period from a few people, it wouldn't make much of a difference.
He wonders how he got himself into this bloody mess. And sometimes, rarely though, he becomes the worst kind of wizard possible and wishes that he'd never walked into that carriage on the first day of school. But then he hates himself. What would he be without them? What would he do? They make him who he is, give him an identity. And just as he wouldn't be himself without them, they wouldn't be a trio without him. They'd be a duo, which was just plain wrong.
Charlie once told him that you knew when you were in your teens because every aspect of your life seemed to turn into Doxy droppings before your eyes. He'd stupidly brushed it aside when he was ten, but he now realises that Charlie was right. It had started in fourth year, when she had gone to the Yule Ball with Krum. And now he's lost her forever, had possibly lost his best friend in the entire world, there was no way he'd ever be able to show his face to his parents again and he could potentially die at any moment. Oh, and everyone he knew was teetering between life and death at varying degrees. Whoever said life was beautiful obviously hadn't even lived it.
The woods are dark and there's a spider on his jacket but he flicks it off, wincing slightly. He's not amused with himself, that's for sure. He's a damned idiot. Really, only he could get himself into this kind of a mess. He's damp, freezing and alone in the middle of a bloody forest with a spider for company. He deserves it, though.
If there's one thing in his entire life he regrets, it's walking out on them that day. He has no excuse and he knows it. He was bloody soft, he thinks, as he kicks a twig in frustration. It snaps, and he pulls out his wand, just in case something or someone had heard him. Nothing had, apparently.
He's been wallowing in the memories of that day for the past few weeks. It took Bill to come pretty close to hitting him to realise that it wasn't too late to salvage the situation. But now he's in a limbo. If he goes back, his brother and sister-in-law will chuck him off the nearest cliff and it's still possible that even after finding them, Harry and Hermione will simply tell him to sod the hell off. They'd be well within their rights to, anyway.
He doesn't know whether he'd expected Hermione to follow him when he'd walked out or not. He had hoped she would, it would have kept her safe, and there were times in that god-awful tent when he'd wished that she had been anywhere but there. But he would have been asking for a slap if he'd even broached the subject of her not coming with them. He had been torn between wanting her to come with them, where he could physically see that she was safe, and when all the Anti-Muggle Laws had been put into place there hadn't been an issue anyway. He had hoped that she would follow him, yes, but now that he thinks about it, she'd have never done that. And he'd known that. She was a better person than he was and abandoning their friend would have never even crossed her mind like it had his. Stupid though it is, it still pissed him off that she'd chosen Harry over him. He knows that she hadn't really; she'd chosen right from wrong, like she's always done, but it still hurts a bit.
It's always been an issue for him, not being enough. He isn't enough for his family, there's nothing to set him apart from the rest; he simply gets lost in the melee of Weasleys. He's certainly not enough for school, he's no bright spark. He's not enough of a friend to Harry; he gets jealous and sick of being expected to help but still not being the hero. He's a bad person. He is. He's not worth much and he knows it, but he still doesn't know what he'd do if he's not enough for her.
Being in the woods isn't his thing, he realises. Why Muggles reckon sleeping in a bloody tent is a treat is beyond him. They're insane, the lot of them. A crack behind him brings up a bubble of fear into his throat, but it's only a badger. He's edgy and the knuckles gripping his wand are white at the tips.
And oh Merlin, he's just remembered. What the hell is he going to give as the reason for walking out on them? He abandoned them and he's going to return looking like a complete idiot. He's going to have to tell the truth, he guesses. That he was an utter retard. He'll have to beg them to take him back. Harry would, he knows. As for Hermione, she was about as predictable as house-elf loaded on Firewhisky. There was no way of knowing what she'd do or how she'd react. Never had been, never will be.
But she'd take him back, he reckoned. He didn't deserve them and he'd have to prove that he belonged with them, but the fact of the matter was that he does. They deserved the best from him, and that's what he'd have to give them. He'll have to prove himself. Harry had given up everything and Hermione had lost her parents. He'd lost nothing, and yet he was the one running away. He has no bloody reason to act like such a twit, he decides, so he's not going to anymore. He'd show them. He'd show everyone.
At the end of the day, he realises, he's slightly lost, shaking lightly from the cold and scared shitless. But he's also Ronald sodding Weasley, and it's about time he acted like it.
Please review? It's not the kind of thing I usually write and I don't normally write in this style either, so please tell me what you think!