The first thing Emma was conscious of when she suddenly rose from the deep slumber she had fallen into was a slightly tingling brush motion on her stomach. The sensation felt like a gentle caress on the smooth skin, almost causing goose bumps to appear. The second thing was the low male voice talking in a hushed voice. Discreetly opening her eyes and glancing down, she saw the cause of those two events. Killian.
Lately, he had taken up to waking up in the middle of the night to talk to the baby inside her belly. She was now 5 months and a few weeks pregnant, her pregnancy was showing more and more everyday in the swell of her stomach. Just like those women in movies, she dreaded the time when she'll look like a huge balloon. She dreaded the soon to come back pains and the urge to pee all the time and every other wonderful things Mother Nature gave to pregnant women. However, she weirdly found herself enjoying everything. Maybe that was because she hadn't had the time or the possibility to care about those things while she was pregnant with Henry (she did have more important things to worry about, back then), but she was now living fully this pregnancy. She did normal pregnancy things. She was able to complain about everything, even tiny, that bothered her, she read pregnancy books and was careful with what she ate and yada yada. It was nice, doing those things.
Everyone had been elated hearing the news. David took this as a "this damn pirate slept with my daughter" reality check – ever the protective dad - but looked happy and proud ; Snow congratulated her daughter and tightly hugged her, her eyes tearing up a bit ; Henry was all excited about having a little brother or sister, with whom he'd share everything. Killian, when she announced the news to him a few days before everyone else, dropped the rope he was tying on his ship and froze for a good minute. He then rushed up to her, taking her face between his hand and hook, tenderly kissed her lips and did the same to her stomach, a wide grin on his face.
So far, everything had gone well. A family was all they ever wanted, after all. This was it. Like a second chance to do things right, to grasp in their hands the happiness they had been seeking for so long but that kept eluding them. Funny how they had found their happiness in each other, two souls partly broken by the same man who left them, a boy who grew into an adult to repeat the mistakes he blamed his father for. They all had made amends, though. Past couldn't be erased, scars couldn't disappear, but the pain caused could be forgiven, and they could move forward.
Yes, everything was going well. Content and relaxed, she closed her eyes again to go back to sleep, lulled by the gentle touch and the voice of her pirate. Just as she was falling back into her slumber, she heard Killian sighing and felt his forehead rest against her belly, uncovered from her cotton top. The unusual action and shift in the man's tone and general air caught her attention. She was used to his happy nightly ramblings, to their unborn child and herself when he thought she was asleep. At times she'd just feel him silently tracing circles on her belly. Other times, he'd tenderly stroke her skin and plan their future life, all four of them, Henry, the baby, her and him. She'd heard him make plans for a bigger house, for what he would teach the baby, which travels they would do, etc. Each time she awoke to these moments, an air of happiness and excitement would come from him. Had he known she was aware of his talking sessions, she'd have teasingly called him a sappy pirate. Right now, however, she felt a sadness and anxiousness emanating from Killian.
"I won't be the same man as my father. I won't be the same man as the Crocodile", he whispered.
Emma's eyes snapped open. Those two men had played such an important part in Killian's life for so long, influenced his decisions and even driven his life goal for 300 years. He'd never forgive either of them, but she thought he had decided to move on. He let out a frustrated sigh and got up, walking up to the bedroom's window. He was in her direct line of sight, and she took in his form. He was tense, she realized ; his fist was tightly clenched, drawing out the veins of his right arm, left bare by the black T-shirt he wore to sleep. She could make out his tightened jaw, and barely noticed the thin line of his lips.
As he turned his head towards her, Emma quickly closed her eyes so as not to get caught. She pondered his behaviour. Why would he feel as though he could repeat his father's and Gold's mistakes ? Killian began pacing the room. Emma opened her eyes again. He was rubbing his chin, seemingly deep in thoughts. She heard him mumble something she couldn't decipher, just as he dragged his good hand over his face. Looking closely, she could see lines under his eyes, and his whole face looked sombre.
He walked back to her side, dropped on his knees and softly caressed the skin of her belly. She carefully peeked between her semi-closed lids at Killian's face.
"I'll try being everything that you two deserve. I'll try making you all happy. I'll try to protect you. I'll-", he cut himself, as if he was unable to speak more. He let out another despondent sigh, and rose up again to his full height, to pace nervously the room again. Unable to take more of this, Emma gently called out his name. The pirate slightly jumped, surprised by her voice, and came over to her side, kneeling in front of her, unsuccessfully trying to smile.
"Did I wake you, love ? Don't mind me. I'm just, uh, stretching my limbs. I'll never get used to a full night without moving when sailing requires your two feet solid on the ground all the time", he lied, bringing his good hand's fingers to her cheek, lightly rubbing it.
Emma sighed, placing her hand over his. "You should know better than lying to me. What's wrong ? You can talk to me."
Killian started denying the statement, but a stern raise of her eyebrows stopped him from finishing that sentence. After a few moments, he looked down at his hand and admitted :
"I worry. I worry about whether I'll repeat my father's mistakes, whether I'll let my feud with Rumpelstiltskin direct the rest of my life. I worry that the Crocodile is going to strike again, and take you away from me. That he'll take our child and Henry away from me. I keep expecting something that will ruin everything, because this is too good to last. I've never been so happy, and I'm worried."
Emma stayed silent a few seconds, processing what he had said. He had been good at hiding his troubled mind from her, she sadly thought, her heart clenching at the thought. Maybe for a while, he had truly been happy ; but then, his fears had caught up with him and he hadn't been able to believe this would work anymore.
"You don't need to worry about Gold. We have a truce with him. You and him buried the hatchet, and you're both trying to move on.", she soothed him.
"How can you even think a truce would work with him ? He's dangerous, Emma !", he retorted, his face incredulous.
"He was dangerous. But he now has Neal and Belle in his life, and I'm sure he won't hurt his grandson. Nor would he hurt me. Neal would cut all ties with him if he did that."
"Everything's solved, then !", he replied sarcastically, "Neal will protect you. I'll stand aside, the bloody useless one-handed idiot who cannot kill Rumpelstiltskin nor persuade him of anything.", he snarled, his blue eyes blazing with anger.
Emma shook her head, frowning. "That's not what I meant and you know it, Killian".
"Maybe you didn't mean it, but in the end….It's the truth", he swallowed, "It's the bloody truth", he mumbled in a low voice, shaking his head dejectedly.
He was making no sense. Fears were never rational, after all. When they ate you up, gnawing at your insides, they would quicken the heartbeats and an insidious haze would take over the mind, obscuring it with doubts and worries. The tales never spoke of how the fearsome Captain Hook feared too, never mentioned the humanity and the love he was able to give. It was in fact this very same capacity to love that brought upon him such great distress. Always love who gave him pain. The fearsome Captain Hook didn't fear enemies, death, battles, but love was the reason he was losing sleep every night.
"Listen to me, Killian. Your past won't influence your future. Gold won't hurt us.", Emma insisted, desperate to make him snap out of his state.
"You don't know that. I fooled myself into thinking I could have a family and take care of you. Thought I could have a family when I have this", he raised his hook, "and a rotten heart in my chest."
As he stopped speaking, the pirate dropped his head into his good hand. Emma sat up and, bringing her fingers to Killian's head, gently tilted his face towards her. Her green eyes pierced into his blue ones, making sure she had his full attention.
"Your past won't define you if you don't let it. A man who doesn't fight for what he wants deserves what he gets. That's what you say all the time. If you give up and let cowards of your past decide what kind of man you're going to be today, then you don't deserve this, us. But I know, from the bottom of my heart, that you are not this kind of person.", Emma told him, "Listen good, because I'm not the type to say this easily and at every minute of the day. I love you. And I know the man I fell in love with is a fighter. The man I fell in love with is bold, brave and loving. You are going to be an amazing father, and an amazing boyfriend. You're already so good to Henry."
Killian's eyes stared at her face, unblinkingly. She continued. "This is what we always wanted, and we're making it come true. We're building this together, however hard that might prove to be. We'll screw up from time to time, which is normal, because we're only flawed humans. I'm not going to be like a Super Mother from those reality shows, and you won't either. No one is. Don't let anyone tell you who you should be.", she finally said, smiling softly at the pirate captain.
Killian smiled back at her and, raising himself up to her height, kissed her fully on the lips while embracing her to lift her. She laughed, encircling his neck with her arms, deepening the kiss.
He put her down, and they lied back on the bed, on their sides facing one another, and Killian's good hand reaching out to her belly. Silence fell.
"So...You heard me speak to the baby and you every night ?"
"Yup, buddy. You're really sappy, by the way."