Flasbacks are italics. Lyrics in bold.
The stage lights come on and she's instantly blinded by the brightness of them. Anyone would think she'd be used to it considering she travels the country playing in small bars year round. But two years of traveling around, singing her songs, she's still not used to it all.
She loves it, it's her high.
She looks around the small bar at all the nameless faces, searching for a face she knows she won't see. She did what she had to do for all good reasons; it wasn't fair to either of them.
She begins to strum her guitar before singing the first verse.
"I bet this time of night you're still up,
I bet you're tired from a long hard week,
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window,
Looking out at the city,
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me"
And during the song her mind drifts back to the past…
"I love you, Ashley." She whispers out to the brunette whose bare skin is tangled up with her own. She sighs into tan skin as she places light kisses on the brunette's shoulder. "I think this is the happiest I've ever been."
"I love you too, Spence. Forever. I'll always love you, forever." Ashley says as runs her fingers through golden locks with Spencer's head on her shoulder. "Do you think we'll be this happy forever?""I hope so. If not, I don't want this moment to end."
"You leave again tomorrow." Ashley breathes out.
"Let's not think about that now." Spencer gets up and begins to straddle Ashley's naked body.
"And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that every time I don't,
I almost do,
I almost do"
Spencer stares at the cell phone in her hand, debating whether or not to press send. It's been three months since they've last spoken. Her finger hovers over the send button before setting the phone down on the table in front of her and walking away. "I bet you think I either moved on or hate you,
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply,
I bet it never ever occurred to you, that I can't say hello to you,
And risk another goodbye"
The last couple times Ashley has called, Spencer let it go to voicemail, too ashamed of how their last conversation ended. She looks down at her phone…
5 missed calls.
The phone beeps signaling a new voicemail has been received. Spencer shakes her head as she opens up her voicemail and presses delete. She can't bare to hear her voice, it would be too hard and she knows she'd cave in and call her.
"And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that every time I don't,
I almost do,
I almost do"
"Spencer, we'll be in LA this weekend." Johnny her manger says through sips of coffee and looking up from his paper as they sit at the table on the tour bus.
"I know." She whispers already knowing what that meant.
"Do you want me to send her tickets?" He questions.
She stares out the window at the cars passing by trying to decide if she should send Ashley tickets to this weekend show. "No."
Johnny stares at her a moment before he realizes she's done talking and going back to his paper.
"Oh we made quite a mess, babe,
It's probably better off this way""Why are you doing this?" Ashley screams into the dark night. "Don't do this Spencer. This isn't what you want." She cries hysterically realizing the only person she's ever loved is about to walk away.
"You don't know what I want Ashley." Spencer turns around as watches at Ashley wraps her arms around herself protectively.
"I know you don't want this. I know you love me Spencer."
"I do. But this isn't fair to you. I can't keep doing this to you. Every time I leave I watch your heartbreak a little more each time. You deserve so much more Ashley, somebody who will actually be here for you, with you."
"You're here for me Spence. You're everything I need. I don't care about the traveling because every time you come back it makes it that much more special."
"No." Spencer shakes her head. "You need somebody physically here. Not somebody who's only here to fuck you and leave."
Smack!
"Fuck you Spencer." Ashley begins walks away.
Spencer takes a tentative step towards Ashley before taking a step back and getting back on her tour bus leaving a distraught Ashley walking away from her.
She hates herself for the choice she just made.
She feels sick for what she just said but she needed a reason for Ashley to walk away. She wanted nothing more than for Ashley to find somebody who was there for her every hour of the day.
Ashley needed someone who would be there to love her every hour of the day.
Ashley needed someone who would come home from work and take Ashley out to dinner and watch movies with her all night.
Spencer couldn't be that girl, not right now.And it was only fair that Spencer let Ashley go so she could find that person.
"And I confess, baby
In my dreams you're touching my face,
And asking me if I want to try again with you,
And I almost do"
Spencer hating the nights she awakes in cold sweats. Those are the nights that Ashley takes over her subconscious causing Spencer to want to picks up the phone.
She scrolls to her name that will forever be in betted in her memory and presses send and as it rings once, she ends the call.
"And I just want to tell you,
It takes everything in me not to call you,
And I wish I could run to you,
And I hope you know that every time I don't,
I almost do,
I almost do"
1 Missed Call
1 New Voicemail
Spencer presses play and brings the phone up to her hear.
"Hey, it's me again. I'm not sure if you listen to any of these but in case you do, for what it's worth, I miss you." A long pause, "Please call me back."
"I bet this time of night you're still up,
I bet you're tired from a long hard week,
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city,
And I hope, sometimes you wonder about me"
"I'm sorry." She says before running off the stage and into her dressing room, immediately spilling her stomachs contents into the toilet.
"Jesus Spencer! What the hell?" Johnny barges into the restroom seeing Spencer hugging the toilet.
"I can't do this anymore Johnny. I lost everything! For what?!" Spencer gets up from the floor and gets into Johnny's face. "I lost her Johnny! And you know what? I hate myself for it. I hate every damn thing about my life right now. I'm done Johnny. I'm sorry, I done. I lost the only person that ever mattered to me, for absolutely nothing. But I have nobody to blame but myself."
Spencer begins to gathers a couple of things before walking out of the dressing room and bumping into somebody.
"Spencer?"
Spencer looks up immediately hearing the familiar husky voice but she doesn't speak she just stands there in awe, taking in the petite brunette in front of her. "Ash?" She finally finds her voice. "What are you doing here?"
"You sent me a ticket."
Johnny.
"Maybe I shouldn't have come. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, you just ran off the stage after… that song."
"Yeah…"
"Are you really walking away from it all?" Ashley asks after a moment of silence taking Spencer by surprise that Ashley had overhead everything she had said to Johnny just minutes before.
Spencer nods her head before sighing. "All of this, it means nothing. You were the only thing that ever mattered. I don't want it anymore. I just want you. I'm sorry. I know I have been…"
Spencer's sentence dies on her lips as Ashley crashes into Spencer pinning her up against the wall and kissing her violently and passionately all at the same time. Spencer pulls away from the kiss and rest her forehead against Ashley's, she knows she doesn't deserve the girl in front of her after all the pain and heartache she put her through.
"Come on." Ashley says pulling away and taking Spencer's hand and intertwining their fingers and leading her out of the bar and into the unknown.
There are conversations still yet to be had and forgiveness still yet to be asked for but all that mattered right now as that they put the past behind them just for tonight as they both try to mend their broken hearts.
Because when it all comes down to it, the heart knows what it wants no matter how hard we try to fight it.