A/N: Hello. I'm new to the world of Supernatural as I just started watching the show two months ago and just finished season 8 last week. But I fell in love, like most of the fandom, with the relationship between Dean and Cas. Then this plot bunny bit me and I had to write it. Being a newbie, I sincerely hope that Dean and Cas, specifically Dean, aren't too OOC. I'm being a brave little soldier and posting this so I hope you enjoy!
Dean walked into the bunker, his arms full of bags of food. "Hey, I'm back! Food time!" He called into the eerily quiet bunker. When he left Sam was in his room still recovering from the trials but awake and reading, trying to learn all be could about the trials and what they had done to him. There wasn't much but he was persistent to look. Castiel had found them only a day after the angels fell, human and confused and lost. He just sat around the bunker quietly trying to work out all that had happened and trying to come to terms with the fact he was human.
Now...he got a response from neither of them. He places the bags down on the table and went in search for his brother and the ex-angel.
Sam was just where he expected him to be - in his room. The books and papers he was reading were strewn all over his bed and an open book rested across his chest as his head fell to the side as he slept. He was doing that a lot recently and Dean was grateful. Every time Sam slept he awoke feeling that much better.
Dean walked over to him and carefully removed the book from his chest and placing it on the desk beside him leaving it open because Sam would probably kill him if he lost his place. Dean scoffed quietly and his lips twitched upward as he looked down at his little brother. Recently it seemed even in sleep Sam was miserable. But he looked relaxed now...like he was actually enjoying it and benefiting from the sleep.
Dean carefully brought the blankets up Sam's chest, careful not to disturb him. "Sleep well Sammy." He said lowly and kept his gaze on him for another moment before quietly leaving the room.
Now to find Cas. If he was still an angel he could have been anywhere but now that he was human he couldn't really have gotten too far.
He looked in all the usual places and even in secret places he wasn't even sure Cas knew about and still there wasn't a sign of him. "Cas?" He tried calling out into the empty hallways.
Not a sound.
He started to get that feeling in the pit of his stomach - one he wasn't overly fond of.
Dread.
Castiel had confessed to him just several months ago his feelings of guilt towards what happened in Heaven. And he knew now more than ever how much guilt must be eating at him.
Castiel was a slightly suicidal ex-angel, fallen from heaven and indirectly responsible for the fall of his brothers and sisters.
And now as a human...he was that much more easier to kill.
"Cas..." Dean practically growled in a warning as if he could still hear him.
His blood now pumping furiously through his veins he was almost prepare to storm the entire bunker until he found his missing friend.
As he passed his bedroom though he noticed the door was cracked open and he was nearly certain he had closed it.
His eyes narrowed as he approached the door slowly pushed it all the way open.
There on his bed lay Castiel, face down, his head buried in the pillows, his trench coat still on.
"Cas?" He called out quietly wondering if he was just resting.
"Cas?" He repeated again a little louder as he stepped into the room. Still, Castiel did not stir.
Frowning slightly Dean walked over to the side of his bed and looked down at Cas. The man lay completely still and Dean had to watch him carefully just to see the slight rise and fall of his chest.
Unlike Sam, Castiel looked anything but peaceful in his sleep. The corners of his lips were turned down in a slight frown, his brow creased together above his closed eyes and the tips of his fingers curled around the edge of Dean's pillow, clutching it to him.
It was a rare thing indeed to see Cas asleep so even if his dark thoughts plagued his dreams, Dean didn't have the heart to wake him.
With a frown and a heavy sigh, Dean took the chair beside his bed and swiped the last beer bottle he had lying around.
He took a long swig, grimacing at how warm it was and then focused his attention back on Cas.
He wondered what possessed Cas to wander into his room, of all the spare rooms they had in this place, Cas chose his room, his bed to sleep on. How tired he must have been to collapse on top of the bed fully dressed from his trench coat to his shoes.
Under normal circumstances, Dean would bitch about keeping the dirty shoes off his bed but these weren't normal circumstances.
It was Cas...and Cas was hurting. It was more evident when he was awake. He tried to hide it, keeping that stony expression on his face but one look into those bluest of blue eyes and the amount of torment in them was enough to make anyone, even Dean, shudder.
Sleeping, his eyes were closed but he wasn't able to keep that stoic expression and his true emotions played out on every inch of his face and even in the tenseness of the rest of his body.
The trials had taken their toll on all of them but especially Sam and Cas.
Sammy...he worried about his little brother but he knew Sam could take care of himself. He'd find a way to make himself better...even if he almost died trying.
Castiel on the other hand, he had learned, did not handle guilt well. Locking himself in purgatory feeling he deserved to be there. Feeling that if he looked upon Heaven and saw what did to his kind he'd certainly kill himself. And that was all when he was an angel. Castiel now had to deal with that guilt and more with human emotions and Dean worried that Cas would drive himself insane over it.
Sleeping was good...even if Castiel continued to torture himself inside his head, it would be just that, inside his head.
Frankly Castiel was lucky he was even able to fall asleep but he imagined his exhaustion level must have been too much for him to handle.
Dean shook his head, letting out another sigh and took another swig, swallowing it thickly and made sure that his eyes never left Cas.
Dean wasn't sure when he drifted off or how long he had been asleep for but he suddenly found himself jolting awake, groggy and stiff from sleeping that chair.
He blinked quickly and looked over to the bed and Cas. His eyes widened slightly and he leapt off the chair and kneeled beside the bed as he took in the sight of his friend.
Cas' whole body shook, his breathing was shallow, his frown was impossibly deeper as he gripped tightly at the pillow. He was clearly fighting some inner demon and he was losing - badly.
"Cas?" Dean called out to him and hesitantly reached over to place his hand on Cas' shoulder, unsure of how unstable he was. "Cas, hey, wake up." He gripped onto Cas' shoulder and gave him a gentle nudge and Cas froze for a second before his eyes snapped wide open.
A second later he reached out and quickly grabbed a hold of Dean's jacket, curling his fist around the material. His wide and terrified eyes met Dean's alarmed ones but Dean only tightened his grip on Cas' shoulder, keeping him at bay and watching him carefully, exploring his eyes with a guarded but comforting gaze.
Cas continued to stare back at him, breathing heavily, his lips quivering but the longer he stared the more calm he became.
He swallowed thickly and his panicked expression slowly began to melt away but his grip on Dean never loosened. "Dean?" His voice was lost and helpless and never had his own name been more painful to hear.
"It's okay Cas." Dean assured him, giving him a slight nod, never breaking eye contact. "You're okay. You're alright."
Cas took a few more shallow breaths before he eventually broke Dean's gaze and looked around, his face scrunching up. "Where are we?" He asked, that panic still in his voice.
"We're in the bunker, we're safe. You're safe."
Cas' eyes darted around the room quickly before once again settling on Dean's face. Dean's brow furrowed in concern and he frowned as he watched Cas try to fight his way back to reality.
They both sat in silence for a good few minutes, keeping their eyes on each other, their grip on each other never loosening until Cas finally calmed down.
He let out a final deep breath and uncurled his fingers from around Dean's jacket, slowly dropping it to the bed. Dean watched him carefully and kept his hand on his shoulder for another few moments just to make sure he was steady and then he pulled away.
Castiel broke their gaze by closing his eyes just for a second and then turning a mournful look to the blankets.
Dean remained kneeling by the bed, watching his every move, ready to react at any second should Cas do something.
Cas remained still, he was sitting now but his body was curled inward, his shoulders hunching, his head dropping to his chest as his face scrunched up in a grimace.
He was in pain. Deep, emotional pain and it hurt Dean just as much to see him like that.
"Cas...?" Quietly, Dean called out to him, leaning in just that little bit more. Cas didn't move for a few seconds and then slowly he lifted his head and Dean was once again met with those piercing, tormented blue eyes.
Dean frowned and just turned his head, his brow twitching. He didn't have to ask. That was one of the greatest things about Cas...he could read Dean like a book even if Dean had the cover closed.
Cas let out a soft but heavy sigh and clenched his jaw tightly before finally speaking. "I...saw them."
"Saw who?" Dean asked.
"The angels." He whispered brokenly and shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment. "All of them...every one of them...falling...losing their wings, their grace, their essence. Thousands..."
His fist curled up and he pressed hard against the bed and Dean was almost tempted to reach out to him.
"I slaughtered them." He whispered in anguish. "And then I took them from their home...put them here...made them human..."
"Hey, Cas..." Finally, Dean did reach out and placed his hand lightly on Cas' forearm, bringing his attention to him. "This...this...this wasn't your fault, Cas."
"Dean-" He tried to protest.
"No, you listen to me." His grip around his wrist tightened and he looked seriously into his eyes. "This was Metatron. This wasn't you."
"I started those trials, Dean. It was with my grace that the final trial was completed."
Dean blinked in shock for a moment but quickly recovered and shook his head. "Metatron was playing you, Cas. You didn't know what those trials were really doing...you can't blame yourself for that."
Cas scoffed bitterly and shook his head, turning his gaze to the ceiling. "That's where you're wrong, Dean. I should not have been so trusting of him. He rebelled Heaven, he hid himself from everyone. That should have been a sign."
Dean pressed his lips together. "Cas, you were just trying to do the best you could. Get that mad house you call Heaven under control."
"And I failed to notice the truth. I put that above everything and it blinded me to the point where I could have lost..." He paused and looked back at Dean, capturing his gaze meaningfully. Dean's jaw tightened and he swallowed thickly but kept his eyes locked on his.
Castiel sighed, breaking the gaze a moment later. "You were right, Dean. I didn't trust you...at least not as much as I should have. That tablet, I thought...I thought it could help. I thought I could help. I needed to help...after all I'd done. All it did was push me away from...from you...and Sam. And now...Heaven has fallen. So...Dean...please don't try to convince me that it wasn't my fault. If I had not been so blind and seen past Metatron's lies..."
"Cas - you are not the one who pulled the trigger this time."
"Perhaps not." He glanced up miserably. "But I provided the weapon."
"Yeah with the wrong information."
He gave a small shake of the head. "Regardless..."
Dean dropped his head for a moment, frowning as he shook his head and then looked back up at Cas seriously. "Look...there's no one that understands that kind of guilt and self hatred more than I do. Believe me, I find something to kick myself with every single night but I keep pushing on, I keep fighting, I keep living, because even with all the shit I've done and the hurt I deal with...there's something I hold onto."
Cas looked up at him, his brow twitching, his eyes narrowing in a silent question.
"Someone once told me...someone I've come to respect and trust a hell of a lot. He told me that...'Good things do happen.'"
There was a flash of recognition in Cas' eyes and his face softened as the corner of Dean's lips twitched up.
"For a while I thought he was full of crap. Good things don't tend to happen around me...around my family. Hell, we were just put through ten tons of crap...but we came out alive this time. Barely, but we're here. And I've got Sammy and...I've got you and hell if you two aren't worth all the shit we go through...I got nothing to live for."
The room fell quiet then as the two simply stared at each other for a minute or so before the barest hint of a smile began to tug at Castiel's lips and he tore his gaze away to look at the sheets.
"He told me something else, that wise old angel, and I'm going to say it back to you and damn it, Cas, I mean it. You don't think you deserve to be saved...but where I'm standing you do. You've done more good for that place," He nodded his head up, "than any other angel who ever lived. I don't care what you say, I don't care what you've done. You are a true angel, Cas. Whether you got your wings or not. And if someone like me deserves to be saved from Hell, if you could care enough to pull me out of there and rescue me then I'm sure going to do the same for you. I'm not going to let you fall, Cas." He raised his hand and placed it on Cas' shoulder, mirroring Cas' handprint on his own.
Cas looked down at his shoulder, where Dean's hand practically burned warm through all his layers, and his brow furrowed for a moment. Then he swallowed thickly and looked up at Dean, his face contorting with emotions he never thought possible. He quickly blinked at the pressure and moisture pulling at his eyes and just let out a silent nod.
A sliver of a smile crossed Dean's lips as he gently squeezed Cas' shoulder before releasing it.
"Now," Dean cleared his throat, shifting back slightly, "How about you try to go back to sleep because no offense man, but you really look like crap."
And just like that, even if just for a moment, Castiel had returned and a breath of a laugh escaped him as his face scrunched up in a smile. Dean had no choice but to smile back.
Castiel looked up at him, his eyes still deep with pain but there was a flicker of light amongst an ocean of darkness. The corners of his lips were still turned up for a moment as he ran the thought through his head.
"Seriously, Cas. Sleep will be good for you."
Cas nodded quietly. "Four hours, correct?"
Dean scoffed. "I think you're going to need a little bit more than four hours."
Cas frowned in confusion and Dean just shook his head, forcing back a smirk. "Just lay down, Cas."
Cas looked down. "Here?" He placed his hand on the bed.
"No, I'm going to make you sleep on the floor. Yeah, Cas, on the bed."
Cas looked back over to him, his brow pressed together. "But it is your bed."
"I know that...but tonight I'll let you borrow it."
"Where will you sleep?"
Dean shrugged. "I'm not tired."
"Dean." Cas' voice deepened and for another second, Cas was back again and he hid another smirk.
"Seriously, I'm good." He moved and threw himself back into the chair. "I got my beer," He held up the bottle, "I got a book that I'm not really going to read," He nodded to the book on the table nearby. "Don't worry about me."
Cas turned his head, squinting his eyes. "I always worry about you."
Dean opened his mouth and then closed it again, pressing his lips together. Then he nodded and looked down for a moment before peering back up at him. "Right back at ya."
Cas' face softened again and he nodded quietly and Dean rolled his eyes before pointing at the bed. "Would you just go to sleep?"
Cas' mouth turned up in a half smile and then faded just as quickly as he looked down at the bed.
"What?" Dean asked after a moment silence.
"Every time I close my eyes...they're there. I can't go back to that."
Dean frowned and leaned forward in his chair. "It's going to be alright, Cas." He tapped his fingers lightly against the beer bottle, swallowing softly before continuing, "I'll watch over you."
Cas looked back over to him and met his gaze and a small but genuine smile tugged at Dean's lips as he nodded.
Cas nodded in return and slowly rested back down against the bed. He shifted around until he found a comfortable spot, his head nestled into Dean's pillow and his eyes remained opened and distant for a while, occasionally looking over to Dean who kept a watchful eye on him and then Cas' eyes finally began to droop.
The former angel let out a small sigh of contentment as he rolled onto his side, his arm sprawling across the rest of the pillow to bring it closer.
There were a few more minutes of silence and Dean was sure Cas had fallen back to sleep until he heard his name muffled from underneath Cas' arm.
"Yeah?" He called back quietly.
"Thank you." Came the reply and Cas' eyes fluttered open and piercing blue eyes stared back at him. "For everything. I honestly do not know what I would do without you."
Feeling slightly overwhelmed by the emotions that simple but meaningful phrase gave him, Dean could say nothing but, "Anytime."
The corners of Cas' mouth turned up in a small smile and his eyes closed and within minutes he was asleep with nothing but peaceful rest as his own personal angel watched over him through the night.