This is based on a Without a Trace fic I wrote a while ago using the song Stay by Sugarland. Usually I don't use the same song again but I felt that this song would fit nicely. At this point in time they are two years into their affair and Olivia is at breaking point so you may find this a little angsty on both hers and Elliot's part. I may follow this up with a short fic in Elliot's point of view, depends what everyone thinks of this fic.

Disclaimer: I own no one.


When I started at this unit over five years ago I never imagined I'd be getting myself into this kind of mess. Sure I knew there would be difficult cases, lack of a social life and unwanted emotions but I never thought love would be one of them. He was the first person to greet me as I walked into the precinct, the strength of his hand shake drew my eyes instantly to his well built form and those clear blue eyes drew me a little closer to heaven.

After noticing his wedding ring my heart skipped a beat, at the time I didn't realise why. In fact I didn't realise why until almost a year later. He'd taken me to dinner after work one night and we spent hours laughing and joking but it wasn't until he reached up and wiped some sauce from the corner of my mouth with his thumb that I realised I'd loved him from day one. I then spent the next two years trying to deny it, all the good that did me. It only made me long for him even more and I became as miserable as hell.

Another day over, time for home once again. It's been a long day, we were in at 5am and now the clock reads 7pm, I want nothing more than to crawl between the sheets and forget the world. I watch him inquisitively from my desk wondering if he's thinking the same, wondering if he's coming home with me tonight or if he's going home to her. I guess home isn't the right word because my home isn't his home, his home is with his wife and children. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was her, maybe he'd love me a little more, stay a little longer, be a little happier or maybe, just maybe he'd feel the same. In all honesty the thought of being her scares me to the core. I know if it was me he had met back in high school I'd probably have fallen apart by now. I couldn't stay at home for hours on end running around after four children, hell I don't think I could even run around after one.

'Hey.' His sparkling blue orbs look up to meet my distant brown.

'Hey' I say with a slight smile, this means he's mine, for tonight at least.

'I'll follow you out.' He says resting his hand on my lower back. I love that feeling more than anything in the world, I feel so…so protected.

I stand up and mutter goodbye to Fin and Munch before heading out the door, I know he is just seconds behind me and I can't stop the butterflies in my stomach. I've never been able to determine if their cause is fear or love or a combination of the both.

We've never bothered to make our way to mine separately, never even bothered that his car is constantly parked outside of my apartment. I'm sure my neighbours know that we're having an affair but I could care less what they think. In fact I don't give a damn what anybody thinks. Fin caught us months ago and ever since he has been trying to convince me that this isn't what I want. I'd agree with him if I wasn't already in so deep. In fact I do agree with him, I don't want this but the trouble is I need this. Sometimes I wish we'd get caught maybe then I'd have him completely. Does that sound selfish to you? It sounds selfish to me but I love him…more than she ever has.

He's through the door only seconds behind me, he pushes my back against the door and our passion is uncontrollable as always. He kisses me fiercely as I struggle with the buttons on his shirt, I'm would just pull it off but he grabs my hands before I can. He laughs slightly at my lack of patience and removes his shirt himself before quickly following it with mine.

Scattered clothes, soft silk sheets, the lights from the city shining through the crack in the blinds, two bodies entwined, two hearts beating as one. A perfect situation, it always is until it's over. I always get up for a while just to sit and watch him sleep, I'm not sure what I like best, watching him smile in his sleep or being snuggled up in his strong arms. If only he was mine.

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call

A cell phone rings. He ignores it at first but we both know he'll answer it eventually.

It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

"Hey. Look I know…Okay…Yeah I'll be home soon." He hangs up and begins to remove the sheets covering his body.

'El please, just stay a little longer.' I plead.

'Baby, you know I can't.'

'For once you could try, just say you're working.' A tear escapes although I fight so hard to stop it. Since the day we started this, a little over two years ago he has never stayed the night. At first I wasn't bothered but now, now everything is different.

'She needs me.'

'What about me?! I need you El!' I almost scream at him unable to control the anger that is locked up inside of me. Although I constantly take it out on him, it's me that I am angry with. I'm angry that I love him, I'm angry that I can't resist him and I'm angry that I'm doing the one thing I said I'd never do….I'd never be the other woman.

He doesn't answer, he is already out of bed and frantically pulling on his clothes like he can't wait to leave me.

And I'll be begging you, baby

Beg you not to leave

But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve

'Elliot please. Don't make me beg.' I'm disgusted at what I've become.

He smiles his sad smile, silently finishes putting on his clothes and then he's gone. The front door bangs slightly on his exit and an aching pulses through my chest. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on. But the next time he needs this I'll be here, I can't let him go. So I sit and wait….

Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

I lay in my bed that suddenly feels cold without his presence. That's a stupid thought I know but when he leaves me the warmth seems to leave too. Every time he leaves he takes a little piece of me with him and I'm beginning to wonder how much I have left to give.

I watch her walk into the room and stop dead in front of our desks, she doesn't even acknowledge that I'm here. It's not long before she starts another fight, he's not there enough for her, doesn't give her enough of him, doesn't spend enough time with his children, all of the usual bullshit. Bullshit isn't a fair word after all she is completely right but that 'bullshit' comes with the job, it has nothing to do with me fucking her husband. Don't get me wrong I do feel guilty that he doesn't get to spend much time with his children but when we're together his kids are always sleeping, I'm not the reason they suffer. However I guess I'm the reason she suffers, when he's in bed with me he should be in bed with her.

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

I wish I could make him see how much he means to me, how much more I love him. I need a sign or a reason to know he wants me as much as I want him. I often wonder if he's just in it for the sex, he's not that kind of guy, deep down I know that but this situation makes you doubt what you believe in. I mean if I meant as much to him as he does me he would have left her by now. I always said I'd never ask him to leave her but he always tells me it's me he loves and he is just not in love with her anymore. If that is the case then why can't he leave? It's not as if he'll never see his children again. Sometimes I question if I actually love him, maybe I just feel this way because I can't have him.

So here we are again, back in my bed, back in each other's arms and I know she'll ring. She'll ring work first so now he has no excuse, I think she knows. I think she knows that we're having this affair but then I question if she knew why would she put up with it? Maybe for the same reasons I put up with this. You know Kathy Stabler and I Olivia Benson actually have a lot in common.

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely

As our bodies move in unison I'm totally lost in his eyes. He thrusts into me with more force than I've ever known. It doesn't bother me, I've always liked it rough, when it's rough it doesn't seem so real. I mean I don't feel love like I do when we take things slow, now I just feel passion, fire and the need for release. It's easier to stop this way too. She'll ring and he'll just withdraw and be out the bed before I can utter a word. It still breaks my heart but not as much as it does when we're in the middle of making love.

I'm not sure what he really wants or what he really needs. I think it's probably not me. He needs his children around and I don't provide that, he needs to know that he's a good Dad and being with me only questions it further, how can he be a good father if he's in bed with someone else rather than at home with his wife and kids. I know that's what he thinks, that's why he never stays but being with me doesn't make him a bad Dad, does it?

Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I hate to beg but it's become a common occurrence in this affair, it makes me feel so worthless and so god damn cheap. We could change all of this, he could leave her. We could get a place together, his kids could come to visit whenever they wanted. I day dream too much though, he'll never leave her. Although last night was the first time he said he would.

'Just give me some time Liv.' He said with a serious tone.

'Time for what?'

He gently kissed my forehead as I lifted my head up from his chest.

'Time to leave her, I have to do this the right way but I promise you I'll leave her this time.'

'We have all the time in the world El and it starts as soon as you end it.'

'Then we have something to look forward to, to hold on to.'

'I'm fed up of looking forward to it. I want it and I don't care how selfish that sounds. I've waited two years for you El, two very long years.'

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine

He tells me what he knows I need to hear, I'm sure he tells her the same. He'll cut down work, take the kids to school more often, be home on time, take her to dinner, do some housework. He can't do both, there's no way to have an equal balance between the two and I know it's never going to be over, he'll never leave. She might leave him but he can tell me a million times he's working it out…


But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share

So it has been almost two weeks since he promised to leave her and still here we are playing this game. He jumps from my bed to his own night after night and like a fool I let him do it. I watch the rain falling outside my window and I know I could so easy fall apart right now. He opens his eyes and smiles at me, interrupting my thoughts. She hasn't rang tonight. I know she will though, she always ruins what we have but it's not her fault, it's his and it's mine. We're both guilty so hey I guess we deserve each other. Damn I love him.



Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

'Stay.' It's not a question it's a statement.

'I can't.' It's not open for discussion, damn him, she hasn't even rang.

His body untangles from mine once again and he walks to find his clothes. I swear this time is the last. Now I know what I have to do, he'll leave even if she doesn't ask him to come home because he isn't ok with this, I don't give him what he needs. I don't think I ever will. I wish I was a little stronger, so I could walk away. He hurts me, he doesn't mean to but he does. So I watch him leave and I can't help questioning why he doesn't stay and I realize it's safer not to know.


'You leave now and it's over I swear.' I shout to the empty doorway.

He quickly appears back in the doorway and looks at me with concern.

'Liv you don't mean that.'

'Don't you dare tell me what I mean.' I hiss back at him.

'And don't you dare get mad at me, you knew what you were getting into when we started this.' He shouts back.

'I can't take it any longer. But my will is getting stronger.'

'Liv please, you know I love you.'

'And I think I know just what I have to do.'

'You're serious aren't you? You're really going to leave me.'The anger from his voice has long been lost and there's tears forming in his eyes.


'I can't waste another minute. After all that I've put in it….'

'Olivia please…'

'I've given you my best. Why does she get the best of you?'

'Because she is my wife.' He almost cries as he turns and walks back the way he came.


'So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine…' I call after him but stop when I hear the front door slam.

He appears behind me after exiting from Cragen's office and whispers in my ear.

'Hey you' He wants to come back to mine.

'Hey' I want him to come back to mine.

'I'll follow you out.' He says resting his hand on my lower back, I hate that feeling more than anything in the world, I feel so…so betrayed.


'Not tonight Elliot.'

I watch his face fall and his eyes widen in shock, I've never said no before but now I'll leave him to think about why he wouldn't stay and when he realizes he'll know how it feels every time he says 'No'.

I leave and head home. I walk for the first time in two years and it kills me knowing that I'm going back to an empty bed. I'll have no warm body to snuggle up to, no strong arms to catch me as I fall but at least I won't have to watch him leave.

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

It's been almost a month since I ended things and we've hardly said two words to each other. I can't even bring myself to look at him because when I do catch his gaze I see the pain in his eyes and I know that I'm responsible for putting it there.

There's a knock at the door, it's 2am. No one knocks that late apart from him, so I ignore it thinking that maybe he'll just leave. There is no way he's crawling his way back into my bed tonight. It doesn't stop but still I don't move, he'll go away eventually, the last thing I need is company. He must be desperate, if he thinks he can turn up now and everything will be ok. I get up wrapping the sheet around my body as I go and I open the door, he is still in his work suit, soaked to the core by rain. I notice a bag on his shoulder and begin to question why he is here.

'Hey' He smiles slightly

'Hey' I don't smile back.

'Olivia.'

'Elliot'

'I'd like to stay.'

'This isn't about what you want anymore Elliot. I just can't continue feeling this way, it's killing me.'

'Liv, I've been trying to leave her for at least three years now. Even before we got together I knew it was you I wanted but my faith told me that I married Kathy for life. You gave me the push I needed when you ended this. It's over Liv, I told Kathy everything. It's you who has my heart, it's you I love. God Liv I would die for you.'

Tears are streaming down my face as I try to understand what he is telling me. I was so prepared to never do this dance again and now suddenly I don't know what to do. He finally left her, is it wrong for me to be happy about that?

'Liv please, I'd like to stay.'

I take a step back and hold the door open for him, he steps to me and his bag immediately falls to the floor. Within seconds my legs are around his waist and my arms tightly around his neck as we kiss for the first time in thirty-one days.

Before I even manage to get to grips with what is going on we're making love. I hold myself to him much more loosely than I ever have before. I guess I can finally be with him without being scared he'll leave. He moves on top of me, moving both slow and hard inside of me. I gently bite the skin on his neck as he moves into me once again but I quickly have to remove my mouth as he hits the right spot. I can't stop the moans of passion escaping from my lips as he looks into my eyes. For the first time I see pure happiness staring back at me and I can't help but smile. He slips his hand behind my head and pulls my face up to kiss him as we both reach our climaxes.

He rolls off and lays beside me, allowing me to rest my head on his chest. He gently runs circles across my stomach with his fingers as I struggle to control my breathing. There are no words, we have nothing left to say and as I listen to his soft snoring and the rhythm of his heart in his chest I know that I am finally complete.