The Big Picture
Disclaimer: I don't own Phoenix Wright or any of the characters. They belong to Capcom.
Note: This fic was originally written in response to a prompt on the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme.
It had seemed like a good idea at the time.
Phoenix wanted a change of pace so he'd convinced Edgeworth to go on a stroll in the woods instead of wandering around downtown. The weather was beautiful and it felt amazing to be able to have some privacy outside of their apartments. After walking for a while, they'd stopped by a small river to rest. One thing had led to another and they'd ended up doing it right there.
It was the best idea he'd had in ages.
Or so he thought at the time.
Sitting down at his desk, Phoenix unfolded the newspaper and took a sip of his coffee. On the front page was a big color picture of a silhouette in the woods with the caption 'Bigfoot Spotted'.
Huh.
Phoenix scanned the picture and recognised the area as the place they'd gone to the day before. His heart skipped a beat.
We could have gotten killed!
What if-wait…
He sighed with relief, remembering that Bigfoot didn't actually exist. The silhouette was probably just some kind of animal, or a big man who was out for a walk.
A feeling of déjà vu suddenly struck him.
Phoenix squinted at the fine print under the image, which read 'Photo by Lotta Hart'. He chuckled.
Or something else entirely.
Taking a large gulp of coffee, he turned his attention back to the picture to see if he could find anything to prove that Bigfoot was a hoax, just like Gourdy had been.
Coffee splattered everywhere.
This can't be…
In the top right corner, between the river and some bushes, Phoenix could be seen lying on top of Edgeworth, completely naked. The picture wasn't clear enough for their faces to be recognisable, but it would take a blind person not to recognise his hair. And Edgeworth's hairstyle wasn't exactly common, either. Anyone with half a brain would put two and two together in no time.
Phoenix thumped his chest to try and stop coughing, then mopped up the mess on his desk with some tissues. Sighing, he glanced at the picture again and was suddenly thankful that Maya was in Kurain so he wouldn't have to explain himself for at least a little while.
Edgeworth is going to kill me.
After some hesitation, he picked up the phone and dialled the number to Edgeworth's office. It seemed to ring forever.
Phoenix leaned his head on his hand.
Shit. I hope he's not ignor-
"Miles Edgeworth."
Phoenix sat back up. "Hey… it's me." He bit his lip. "Did you, err… read the paper this morning?"
"…What kind of question is that? You know I always do."
Phoenix blinked. "And you're not mad?"
There was a pause.
"Why would I be mad?"
Phoenix sighed. Of course Edgeworth hadn't seen it. The word 'Bigfoot' had probably been enough to make him skip the front page without so much as a second glance.
Here goes…
"You might want to look at the front page again," Phoenix said, tightening his grip on the receiver.
"Why?" Edgeworth asked sceptically. "It's just a stupid picture of-"
-CLANG-
Edgeworth had apparently dropped the phone, and Phoenix was sure he could hear some swearing in the background.
That's it, I'm dead.
"Wright!" Edgeworth hissed after a few seconds. "Do you even realise what you've done!?"
"What I've done!?" Phoenix replied defensively. "I don't remember you putting up much of a fight when I started taking your clothes off!"
"That's… beside the point!" Edgeworth retorted. "It was your stupid idea!"
"Hey! It wasn't stupid!"
Okay, maybe it was…
Edgeworth sighed. "How do you intend to fix this?"
"Well…" Phoenix paused. "Unless we can get all the papers recalled for being defective, I don't think there's much we can do besides hope that everyone in the city is either blind or retarded."
"Hmm… If only we could divert everyone's attention from that picture somehow. But considering that most people are idiotic enough to believe in such things, I don't think-"
"That's it!" Phoenix exclaimed. "All we have to do is prove that Bigfoot is a fake and the picture won't be posted again."
And hopefully no one will notice before then…
"…I think I have an idea."
"What is it?"
"Just… trust me. I'll call you back later."
"Alright, bye." Phoenix hung up and leaned back in his chair. Edgeworth had better be right about this one.
Phoenix looked up from his computer screen as Edgeworth burst into his office.
"Turn the TV on," he ordered, going to sit on the couch.
"Err… okay," Phoenix replied, grabbing the remote and pressing the power button. "What are we looking at?"
"The news."
It seemed the TV was already set to the right channel as a female reporter appeared on the screen, talking about a creature sighting in the woods near Gourd Lake.
Oh God.
The camera suddenly panned sideways to reveal Detective Gumshoe standing next to her.
Phoenix glanced at Edgeworth.
He's already figured it out?
"So, here we have Detective Dick Gumshoe, who claims to have some information about the creature. How are you, Detective?"
"I'm good, thank you," Gumshoe replied, glancing at the camera.
The reporter nodded. "And what is it you wanted to share with us today?"
Gumshoe looked slightly uncomfortable. "Well, you see… That silhouette in the picture… That was me, pal."
Phoenix blinked. "What?" He turned to Edgeworth. "Is he serious?"
Edgeworth merely smirked in response.
You did this.
Phoenix snickered. "How did you-"
Edgeworth held up a hand. "Listen."
"So do you mean to tell us that you're a voyeur, Mr. Gumshoe?" the reporter asked, an accusatory tone to her voice. "Or should I say Mr. Dick?"
Gumshoe waved his hands defensively. "N-no, pal! I was just taking a walk and-"
"And you stumbled upon Mr. Edgeworth and Mr. Wright and decided to watch?"
Phoenix's eyes widened in horror. He turned to Edgeworth and saw the same expression on his face.
This can't be happening…
As Gumshoe tried to convince the reporter that he hadn't seen anything, Phoenix's cellphone started to ring, making him jump. He fished the phone out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID.
Larry?
"Hello…?" Phoenix answered hesitantly, bracing himself for what he knew was coming.
"Nick!" Larry yelled, making Phoenix wish he hadn't picked up. "You with Edgey!?"
Phoenix sighed.
And so it begins.
"Do I really need to answer that?"
"Dude, it's important!" Larry insisted.
Phoenix scoffed. "Yeah, so you can make fun of us."
"…What are you talking about, dude?"
"…What are you talking about?"
Larry let out an exasperated sigh. "Look, Nick, I don't have time to argue with you. I'm looking for Edgey 'cause I forgot something at his office the other day and I'm meeting Jessie in two hours and-"
"Oh!" Phoenix exclaimed. "I thought you meant-" He cut himself off.
Better not bring it up.
"Yeah, Edgeworth's here," he said as innocently as possible, causing Edgeworth to turn and raise an eyebrow. "Want to talk to him?"
Edgeworth shook his head.
"You're acting weird, dude," Larry replied. "What did you think I meant?"
Oh well, it's only a matter of time before he finds out, anyways.
Phoenix cleared his throat. "Well, I was watching the news and-"
"Oh, that?" Larry laughed. "Nah, dude. Everyone knows about that!"
Phoenix frowned.
He must think I'm talking about-
"Bigfoot?"
"What? No, dude! Everyone knows that you and Edgey can't get your hands off each other. Can I talk to him now? I don't have much time."
Phoenix blinked. "Y-yeah… Just… hold on one sec," he said absently, getting up from his seat.
He walked over to the couch and sat down next to Edgeworth, before handing him the phone. Turning back to the TV, it looked as though Gumshoe would need his help in the next few days.
None of this made sense.
Where were all the stares they thought they'd eventually have to endure when going out? Had they simply missed them? Where were all the jokes at their expense? Where was the scandal that was undoubtedly going to happen when the press found out? And more importantly, why did no one seem shocked by the fact that they'd been caught having sex in the middle of the woods?
After pondering for a moment, Phoenix decided that there was only one possible explanation.
I guess we just look that hot together.
Fin