Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
A/N: Alright, I've decided I need a break from writing serious stuff. For those of you wanting an update on I Couldn't Stop Him, that fic is complete, and I'm not likely to extend it. Still others may be waiting for me to update While You Were Away. I have not forgotten about that fic, but I will take a while to update it.
This fic is meant to be light and somewhat humorous, and will be a one-shot. Hope you like.
(dialouge under character's breath)
Spoiler through around episode 160.
Konoha Eating Contest
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"Ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages!" the artificially enhanced Hokage called to the gathering crowd in front of Ichiraku Ramen. "We, the shinobi of Konoha, bring you the first annual Konoha Eating Contest! Bear witness as our ninja vie for the title of Eating Champion of Konoha, as well as a month's supply of their favorite food!"
The crowd let out a cheer as Tsunade looked on with a grin. Teuchi and Ayame stood behind the counter preparing the food and showing all of Konoha that they could cook something other than ramen.
"Already, the smell of the food is permeating the area! And now, let me introduce Teuchi and Ayame of Ichiraku Ramen, who have volunteered their time and effort to make this event possible!"
Everyone cheered again while Teuchi blushed and Ayame began to blow kisses.
"Alright, alright everyone! Now keep it down to a dull roar so I can introduce the judges! Our first judge is the one-eyed wonder! The biggest buyer of the (ahem, despicable) Icha Icha series! The walking encyclopedia of excuses for being late! I bring you...Hatake Kakashi!!!"
Unfortunately, the Copy Ninja was nowhere to be found and the crowd quickly became silent. "Where is that idiot!?!" Tsunade screamed.
A man with silver hair could be seen shoving his way through the crowd. "Eh...sorry about that. I forgot to adjust my clock for Daylight Savings time..."
"That was five months ago, Kakashi." Tsunade interrupted him, glaring. "Anyway, our next judge! Put your hands together for Shiranui Genma!"
"Is it just me, or am I asked to be a judge for every contest that happens in this village?" he said with a lopsided smirk, balancing the senbon in his mouth.
The crowd raised a cheer for Genma, and a couple of fangirls screamed, "We love you, Genma-kun!!!"
"Um...right," Tsunade mumbled. "And our third and final judge...Orochimaru! Alright, I'm kidding, seriously, I'm kidding." She sifted through some index cards and read. "Our real third judge is none other than..." She paused for effect. "ME! Isn't that wonderful?"
Tsunade was answered by silence. Well, aside from the bird that flew by and cawed, "Loser!" (A/N episode 101, that bird.)
"Well that sure makes me feel special. You'd think you'd show a little more admiration for your Hokage." She let out a sigh, then broke into a ridiculous grin. "Anyway, allow me to introduce you to...the contestants!"
Once again, the crowd broke into a loud cheer.
"First up is the blond baka we know and love! The number-one hyperactive knucklehead ninja! That's right! It's Uzumaki Naruto! He will be eating ramen in this contest!"
A mixed response came from the crowd, from the usual cheering to those who bitterly cursed him and called him a demon.
"Hang it in your ear, punks! You're just jealous that I can eat more than you! And for all my adoring fans, thanks for coming! I'm about to show you some magic; I'm gonna make this ramen disappear faster than you ever thought possible!"
"Next to him is the self-proclaimed Green Beast of Konoha! (and generally agreed-upon fashion disaster.) He kicks, punches, and eats! I bring you Rock Lee! His food of choice is the Curry of Life!"
When the crowd raised its cheer, Lee called out, "Thank you! Thank you all, thank you! Are you watching, Gai-sensei? I will show the good people of Konoha the power of youth!"
Above the crowd, Gai could be heard yelling, "That's right, Lee! You show 'em!"
Teuchi pulled Lee aside. "Are you sure this recipe for curry is right? The balance of ingredients is off, and when Ayame and I tried it-" Ayame was still sputtering in the background.
"It is fine, Teuchi-san." Lee assured him.
"Our third contestant is favored to win! The king-sized heir of the Akamichi clan and an important part of the current generation of the legendary Ino-Shika-Chou trio! Give it up for Akamichi Chouji, whose food of choice is barbecue-flavored potato chips!"
"I will eat every chip, down to the very last one."
"The fourth contestant is the sadistic proctor of the Chuunin exams! The scary snake lady we affectionately refer to as Mitarashi Anko! She is entering this contest with dango!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...When I'm finished with this dango..." She glared at a random person in the crowd. "YOU'RE NEXT!"
The person she was staring at happened to be Hyuuga Neji. "Give it a rest," he grumbled, not intimidated in the least.
"You're no fun," Anko grumbled back.
"And our final contentant has been granted rights to enter this contest on account of his being an Author! He has written two stories for but has no eating contest experience! Let's have a warm welcome for...PublicNMEno1!" cried Tsunade, gesturing toward a thin guy of average height who wore glasses, an open jacket, a T-shirt, and jeans.
"Yes, I'm Public Enemy Number One. If you feel I need a name, you can call me Adam. My favorite food is pizza."
"Once again, let's have a round of applause for our contestants!" Tsunade called out.
Even before the contest began, the crowd stood up and raised a thunderous cheer.
Tsunade paused and waited for the audience to settle down. "Now for the rules! Rule number one: no Shadow Clones! That means you, Naruto! And no other jutsu that create extra mouths, either!"
"What're you talkin' about, baa-chan! My ramen belongs to me! I'm not letting any of my clones have any!"
"Rule number two; each of you has 20 kilograms of your favorite food behind you! Whoever finishes first wins! Rule number three! You are disqualified if you throw up, because frankly, none of us want to see that! And rule number four; have fun and enjoy the biggest meal of your lives! Contestants, are you ready!"
Tsunade waited for confirnmation from each contestant, then called out, "Get ready...GO!!!"
The roar of the crowd became deafening as four of the five contestants tore violently into their food. PublicNMEno1 seemed to be taking his time. "Eh, what's the point of having your favorite food in front of you if you don't take your time to enjoy it?" he said aside to a certain Shikamaru that happened to be nearby.
"Then why are you in this contest if you had no intention of winning?" Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.
"Who can turn down free pizza, even if it is just one?" the stranger answered with a slight grin. "Besides, I've been told I need to get out more."
"Getting out is overrated," grumbled the lazy genius.
"At three minutes into the competition, Chouji is halfway through his potato chips!" Tsunade announced. "Naruto is working on his forty-fifth bowl of ramen out of a hundred, and Lee on his forty-third bowl of curry, also out of a hundred! Anko has gone through seventy sticks of dango, and his eighty more remaining! It appears the newcomer can eat no more! Give it up for our first-timer here!"
PublicNMEno1 took a bow amid the renewed roar of the crowd, while the remaining contestants continued to eat feverishly. As he stepped off the stage, he felt someone tug at his leg. When he looked down, there were three little kids looking up at him, all of which had goggles positioned on their head covering their bangs.
"Oi, Adam! Mind if we call you Adam? Your other name is kinda hard..."
"Oh, and 'Konohamaru' isn't a mouthful either, right? Sure, you call call me Adam."
The kid broke into a grin, showing the gap between his teeth. "Great! Um...can you tell us who's gonna win? Since you're the author and all...you GOTTA know! Right?"
"Yeah, I know..."
All three of them began yelling, "Tell us! C'mon, tell us, please!"
"Nah. Can't. The Author's Code of Conduct states that in the rare event that I'm allowed in this world, I'm not allowed to give spoilers. Funnily enough, it doesn't say a word about killing, looting, plundering, or torture. Just no spoilers, or my Author's permit will be immediately revoked."
"What! Baloney! Show me!"
Adam pulled a scroll from a pocket on the inside of his jacket and tossed it to the Konohamaru Corps. "Skip the technical mumbo-jumbo and read the big print at the bottom."
Konohamaru glared down the scroll and read, "NO SPOILERS ALLOWED. EVER."
"What! This part written in different handwriting, almost like YOU wrote it half an hour ago!" the girl exclaimed.
"Tough luck Moegi, it's still binding."
"Aw lame," grumbled Udon. "And how do you know our names?"
"It's Author's Instinct."
All at once, Tsunade's voice boomed over everybody else's. "We're coming down to the end! Chouji is down to his last bag of potato chips and looking like a sure winner! W-wait! Something has--" She squinted to get a better look. "It seems...a little white dog has snatched the last bag of potato chips and run off with it! Chouji can't win until he eats that last bag, folks! We might have an upset here!"
The little white dog ran to a shinobi in the crowd. "Ha-ha-ha, Akamaru! You da man! I love these chips!" The shinobi in question, of course, was Inuzuka Kiba, who popped open the bag and began sharing its contents with Akamaru.
"Oh wow! With Chouji suddenly out of the running, this is anyone's competition! Three bowls of ramen left for Naruto, seven bowls of curry for Lee, and nine sticks of dango for Anko! Oh...What's this? Is Lee...opening the first gate?"
"Indeed, that is right, Tsunade-sama. Let the power of youth explode!" Immediately, Lee's eating went into overdrive, and within seconds, he was down to his last bowl. He looked like a lock to win, but...
"Unbelievable! Lee has vomited all over the table! Sorry, you were so close, but you're disqualified! It's now between Naruto and Anko! Naruto has two bowls of ramen remaining to Anko's three sticks of dango! Which of these Konoha shinobi can dig deep and pull off the win?"
At that moment, Naruto and Anko had the exact same thought. Ha, Tsunade's too busy playing to the crowd to pay attention back here, and Kakashi's buried nose-deep in his book. Now's my chance.
At the exact same same, Naruto silently made a Shadow Clone and Anko used her Hidden Snake Arms, only to have Genma suddenly appear behind the both of them. "Nice try, guys. But you're disqualified."
He made his way over the Tsunade to inform her of what had happened. "You both cheated?! And got caught, no less? Shame on you!" The crowd booed loudly, and a couple of hecklers sneered, "Get off the stage, losers!"
"What a wild turn of events!" Tsunade cried in an exaggerated voice. "All of our contestants have been disqualified, which means--"
"Not so," interrupted Kakashi without looking up from his book. "The newcomer, PublicNMEno1...never officially dropped out of the competition. Since he's the last contestant remaining, it looks like he wins. Even though he only ate six slices of pizza."
"You don't say," said Tsunade under her breath. Then she raised her voice again. "What an upset! Against all odds, the newcomer from a distant land has beaten Konoha's ninja in our own village! This is quite a (frankly embarrassing) turn of events! Give it up for our first Konoha Eating Contest Champion, PublicNMEno1!"
In mock surprise, Adam walked up to the stage, the crowd parting so he could get through. "And as promised, you have won a month's supply of Canadian bacon pizza, which will be promptly shipped to your residence!" Tsunade exclaimed as she handed Adam his trophy and the crowd raised an earth-shaking cheer.
He raised his hand to signal for silence. "Let me give some quick thanks before I move on. First, I'd like to thank Ichiraku Ramen for making some delicious pizza! Next, I'd like to thank Tsunade-sama and the people of Konoha for putting on this contest! But lastly..." He signal for silence again. "I'd like to thank myself for writing this fanfic and writing my own victory! Thank you, and sayonara!"
Immediately, the crowd began to charge the stage at Ichiraku in a riotous outrage. Adam, seeing the danger signal, took off running in the opposite direction faster than anybody could catch him.
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A/N: Bet you saw that coming a mile away. Heh heh, I had to find an excuse for me to win. Anyway, be sure to spare me a review, even if it is to tell me that I'm an idiot with a crummy sense of humor who felt the need to massage his own ego. And yes, my name really is Adam. PublicNMEno1, over and out.