The Author does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of it's characters. The Author also does not own Budweiser, Miller, Heineken, Leinenkluegal (Kleinenshlugal), Duvalles, Yebisu, Asahi, Boa, or any of the other beers that appear ion this fic. If the creators of NGE wish it, this story will be removed from the web. But definitely not the beers, though…
Please note that the author does not endorse any of the beers in this fic, or underage drinking, or driving drunk. BE SAFE!
NEON GENESIS BUDWEISERELION
A Pointless Fic Designed to Make You Drunk Through Thought
"NO, KAJI, I'M NOT READY!" Misato screamed, cowering in the corner of the hottub.
"Hahaha!" The evil Kaji laughed, towering over her. "Yes, scream. SCREAM! I AM EVIL!"
Then the mood of the scene changed. Kaji fell backwards, landing with a splash in the other end.
He popped up. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GOTCHA!" He laughed, Misato joining him.
"We fooled them perfectly!" Misato giggled, pointing at the audience. "This is GREAT!"
Now, after that pointless scene, we'll get to the actual STORY! Thank you.
It was a dark and stormy night. The tank-sized, black, high-tech beer can with wheels sitting still in the alleyway of Tokyo 3 blinked once. Inside was one of the most powerful voices in the history of beer.
"This is General Budweiser." The beer can with a green military suit said to the microphone he held. "My forces are in position. All units, prepare for assault. Admiral Miller, how goes your end?"
The massive, black, flattened beer can floating in the Tokyo 3 bay received the message and responded.
"This is Admiral Miller." The blue bottle in the Admiral's uniform smiled. "The Beercraft carrier Heineken's Pride is standing by. The battleships LeBatts, Duvalls, and Kleinenshlugal are standing by. We'll attack at dawn."
"Roger that." The Bud can grinned. Tokyo 3 would fall at dawn to THE BEER EMPIRE!
OUR NEW DIVIDER IS HERE! IT'S GETTING OLD ALREADY!
Misato awoke with a horrible hangover. She also awoke with one hell of a man on top of her.
"Uuugh…" She moaned, sitting up. Kaji, still sleeping, rolled off of her with a thud. "What a-YAAAAWN-night…" She sighed, getting up and wobbling all the way to the shower without a stitch of clothing on, causing Shinji, in the kitchen, to faint, and Asuka, just leaving her room, to die.
After pushing Kaji into the shower after her, she got out, and just managed to get a bathrobe on before a group of Section Two agents forced her on the floor, binding and gagging her as they went.
"Hey, hey! Don' tough ma thsare! Whsere tha hhell ya takin' mhe?"
"I'm sorry, Commander Katsuragi, but this is a necessity." Misato heard this blurry image of the Vice Commander say as he stepped out from behind the shower curtain.
Misato then observed the massive Big Beera cannons rolling past her bathroom window (Yes, people, the Author IS aware that the Katsuragi bathoom has no window. The Author thinks it doesn't, anyway. He can't seem to remember.)
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEER! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"
"REI, HOLD HER DOWN!" Fyutsuki screamed, cowering in a corner.
A large blue hand came through the roof and cupped itself around Misato, muffling her screams.
"Right," Fyutsuki sighed, "now let's get her to a holding cell."
HELLO! A DIVIDER!
"Unit 01, launch!" the computer's voice announced, sending the massive purple behemoth up to the surface.
"AAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAEAAAAAAAAAGH!" Shinji screamed.
"That was quick." Ritsuko remarked, sipping her coffee.
The camera zoomed in on Unit 01. It had a massive hole in its armor.
"Crap." Gendo sighed from beneath his little white gloves.
The Fourteenth Angel was working for the Beer Imperial Army.
"PIIIIIIIIKAAAAAAAAAAAACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" screamed the massive Angel, unwinding it's whippy things and pounding them into Unit 01's chest.
"Argh!" Shinji hissed "I'm getting really, really, REALLY sick of this!"
Unit 01 got a mischevious glint in it's eye. The purple behemoth got up and caught Zeurul's whippy things the next time they came back for a shot.
"PIKAAA?"
Unit 01 proceeded to tie the two whippy things in a big bow and hand them to Unit 00, which had just returned from transporting Misato over. The blue Eva blushed, and had a romantic moment.
"WE ARE BEER! WE ARE BEER! WE ARE BEER!" the cry of millions of beer cans came as they flooded into Tokyo 3, overwhelming the Evas.
"I have no choice." Gendo sighed, unfolding his hands. "RELEASING CONTROL ART RESTRICTION TO LEVEL ONE! THE CROMWELL INITIATIVE IS NOW IN EFFECT!"
"MUAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAA…"
A lone muave-haired babe in a black, skin-tight straightjacket appeared on a hill with beerlust in her eyes.
"BEEEEEEER!" The evil one screamed, jumping at the mob with her fangs bared. One by one, she drained the beer cans of their contents, the lifeless aluminum shells falling to the ground with a distinct clanking sound.
It lasted barely a minute. All the beer in the army, ten-thousand cans strong, couldn't hold up for a minute against the monster that was Misato. The muave-haired babe resumed her usual form, and scampered home to Kaji to (BLEEP).
Fin.
This is the word that thou shalt use when thy finish typing thy FanFiction, in the context that thy FanFiction is over. No other time may thou use the holy term 'Fin.', except when thou art feeling like it.
Okay. I'm done now.