This story is inspired by and dedicated to my sister who is lactose-intolerant.
o.O.o
Sasuke Hates Milk
It was not a well-known fact that Uchiha Sasuke hated milk and all other dairy products. The reason why was even more obscure and none were privy to that little secret. No one knew of Sasuke's illness that came with drinking milk and he was careful that they never found out.
Actually, if Naruto had not forced Sasuke to drink that milkshake under the pain of death, his secret probably would have remained safe for years to come. As an unfortunate result, all of their other friends found out too.
It was annoying really. They – Sasuke, Naruto, Shikamaru, Kiba, Choji and Shino – were sitting in a circle on the floor at Shikamaru's house playing 'Truth or Dare'. It had been fairly uneventful so far, with Kiba complaining that it wasn't fun without girls, but they got a few good laughs.
Naruto had long been suspicious about Sasuke's aversion to milk and cheese. He noticed that Sasuke never put milk in his coffees and never put cheese on top of his ramen like Naruto sometimes did. It was downright suspicious, so naturally an evil plan formed in the blonde boy's mind.
"Naruto, truth or dare?" Shikamaru asked boredly.
"Truth," Naruto grinned, stretching back on the floor.
"What's the furthest you've gone with a girl?"
Oh, that one was embarrassing. "Well, Sakura-chan almost kissed me… but I was disguised as Sasuke." He snickered at the raven's death-glare. "Other than that, closest I've been is being punched in the face. I know, it's tragic!"
"You idiot," Kiba grinned.
"Sasuke, truth or dare?"
"Dare," the raven sighed.
"Wait there." Without an explanation, Naruto left the circle and went to the kitchen, mucking around with some ice-cream, milk and vanilla essence. Sasuke watched him, a worm of doubt seeping through his bones. Naruto eventually re-joined them with a milkshake. "Sasuke, I dare you to drink this."
"What kind of dare is that?" Choji demanded, his eyes glued on the milkshake.
"Sasuke never drinks milk. I'm wondering why. Drink up or I'll kill you."
Glaring, Sasuke took the glass and hesitated. This was going to suck… "It's your funeral." He raised the glass to his lips and downed it. Of all the dares, why that one? Now he was going to have to reveal his deepest and darkest secret to those clowns. He finished the drink and lowered the glass. The others looked at him expectantly and were disappointed when nothing happened.
"Well that was enlightening," Kiba muttered. "Let's do something else."
They went outside into the night and Shikamaru lit several lanterns, placing them around the backyard. From there they began to play a rough game of soccer. They played for a while and as time passed Sasuke felt his gut become more and more constricted. Soon they were going to regret making him drink that milkshake… but afterwards they would use it as ammo.
When the game finished, Shikamaru and Choji left to get takeaway noodles and sushi. The other boys spread out around the living room and did whatever. Naruto sat beside Sasuke.
"What's the big deal with you and milk? It's not like anything bad happened." Naruto frowned as Sasuke's face scrunched up with pain. "You okay?"
As soon as it had come, the pain stopped and Sasuke sighed with relief. "You'll see in a few moments." His smug look faded as a putrid odour reached his nostrils. "Yup, there it is. Get ready to feel the pain."
At first Naruto was confused, but then he smelt it too and gagged. "What the hell is that? Are you trying to kill me?!"
Kiba looked up from his house of cards. "What's going on?"
"I… think… Sasuke's… trying… to… kill… me…" Naruto coughed, his eyes tearing up. Sasuke's usual cool demeanour was ruined as he too writhed in agony. He stood and crossed the room in an attempt to outrun the smell, but then his guts twitched again.
The next thing that came was the most embarrassing moment of the young Uchiha's life. His insides twisted and squirmed, and finally exploded in a great big ppplllllbbbbbbhhhhhhh! Sasuke cried out in alarm and grabbed a random cushion, pressing it to his face in an attempt to hide from the smell. When he looked up, he saw that the three boys were pressed against the wall opposite, staring in terror.
"Not again!" Kiba moaned. "I had enough farting from Naruto in the Chuunin Exams! Please, no more!" He screamed and clawed at his face. "WHY DOES MY NOSE HAVE TO BE SUPER-SENSITIVE? I'M GONNA DIE!"
"Me too," Naruto whimpered, pulling his jumper up over his face. Shino turned and walked from the room, slamming the bathroom door behind him.
"Now you see," Sasuke panted, letting out another huge ripper, "why I don't drink milk?" His face contorted in pain. "Shino! Get out of the goddamn bathroom!" He barrelled past Naruto and Kiba (who dry-heaved in disgust) and pounded on the door. Shino opened it slightly and was wrenched from the room by a desperate Sasuke. The raven slammed the door behind him, yanked his pants down and planted his bottom on the toilet seat just in time.
Naturally, Shikamaru and Choji chose that moment to return with dinner. What they saw was very strange. Naruto and Kiba stood at the wall beside the hallway, gagging and coughing with their eyes streaming. Shino – always-calm-and-collected-and-poised Shino – was doubled over the kitchen sink as he heaved his guts up.
"What-" Shikamaru broke off as a foul smell reached his nostrils. He stepped to the left and clutched the nearest couch that he could find, coughing as hard as he could. Choji ran straight out the front door, dropping the food behind him, falling flat on the grass outside screaming that he was dying.
A strange sound reached Shikamaru's ears as the initial coughing died down. There was a watery squelching sound coming from the bathroom, as well as several nastily wet plop sounds. He also heard moans and cries from none other than Sasuke Uchiha.
"What the hell happened?" he gasped.
Naruto looked up weakly from where he had collapsed on the ground. "It was the milkshake… it's turned Sasuke into a weapon of mass destruction." He turned his head to look at Kiba, only to gasp as he saw that the dog-nin was out cold.
It took an hour for the smell to fully dissipate and during that time the boys (minus Sasuke who was still on the toilet) went to the backyard and ate their cold noodles in the dark. They didn't really speak as they were too shaken by what they had just witnessed. Sasuke Uchiha – the great Sasuke Uchiha – had very nearly killed them using just his farts. Kiba in particular was unnerved because his nose was the best of them all.
Sasuke stood shakily in the bathroom, flushing the half-filled toilet wearily. His bum really hurt from the strain, as well as his gut, and he was exhausted. But satisfied. Hopefully the boys had learned their lesson about mixing the Uchiha and milk together. He drew an uneven breath and grabbed the toilet spray, using it to spray the stinking toilet as well as himself. Then he straightened his clothes and left the bathroom while trying to muster as much pride as he could give the circumstances.
The others were sitting outside with empty food packets. There was one leftover and Sasuke sat gingerly before taking it and tucking in. They stared.
"You're lactose-intolerant," Naruto said quietly.
"Was it that obvious?" Sasuke replied sullenly.
"Well," Shikamaru said mildly, "if you want to get those girls off your back you should just tell them about that."
Hey, that was a good idea.
"Or we could tell the whole town that the great and mighty Sasuke Uchiha farts when he eats a piece of cheese," Naruto sniggered.
Not cool.
"Or," Naruto continued, "We could just make you drink milk half an hour before a battle or a mission. That way you don't even have to fight! You can kill your enemies with your farts!"
Oh, he was going to kill that dobe!
But, incidentally, that was how Sasuke succeeded in killing Itachi. When the older Uchiha challenged his younger brother to a fight, Naruto forced Sasuke to drink a whole litre of milk several minutes before the fight. The brothers fought for ten minutes, neither gaining the upper hand, when Sasuke suddenly collapsed.
Itachi loomed over his brother. "Are you too tired? Do you give up?"
"No." Ppplllllbbbbbbhhhhhhh!
Itachi sniffed once, screamed, and collapsed, convulsing painfully. "Nooo! It's not possible," he choked. "I cannot die this way…"
But he did. It was embarrassing. He was killed by breathing in his brother's fart.
Naruto, with an oxygen mask over his face, sauntered over and clapped a moaning Sasuke on the shoulder. "Good job, and I was right, thank you very much! You've killed your worst enemy with your farts!" He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "We should go for Orochimaru next before he tries to give you the Curse Mark and recruit you to his town of crazy people with the promise of power (although it's kinda pointless now because Itachi's dead)."
Sasuke groaned. "Whatever dobe, just get me to a toilet NOW!"
o.O.o
Owari