You never know exactly how devastating a failed vol au vent arrival can be until you're getting married.
The whole event had been planned with such precision; military like precision, almost, the cream velvet of the aisle turned into some well-designed no man's land. The dinner arrangements had been meticulously designed. The flowers had been pruned to within an inch of their lives. The only thing that wasn't pristine and elegant in the whole affair was Dan himself, sat on a pew with Converse-d feet tucked under him, staring at the altar with a feeling of nausea and dread. He inhaled the sharp tang of sea salt on the air, hoping it wouldn't irritate the wounds inside him that somehow made it hard to breathe.
Phil sat down next to him, loosely taking Dan's hand in his own. "Our last night of being single, get out while you still can." Dan snorted, leaning into Phil's shoulder.
"Keep dreaming, babe, as if I would." He tipped his head up and kissed Phil hesitantly, as though a thin sheen of fabric hung between them. "Phil, I think I'm actually gonna pee myself."
"And won't my maiden aunt just love that," Phil grinned, but held Dan closer to him. "You have nothing to worry about. You're not getting cold feet, are you?"
Dan shook his head quickly. "Not about you, not at all. It's just- this." He gestured wildly to the ivory and red around them. "Isn't it too much? What if I trip or say things wrong, or the band don't arrive, or a horde of Danish cousins show up, or-"
"Dan," Phil said gently. "You don't have to worry. You'll be fine- everything will be fine. I don't even have any Danish cousins. Hush," he said sharply, as Dan rolled his eyes and started to argue. "What's this whole thing about? In the end?"
Dan sighed. "You and me."
"That's right. Nothing else matters, okay? Not the stuff or the people or the stupid thing you do, and my maiden aunt really has no room to complain, it's scientific fact that she wears adult diapers." The corner of Dan's mouth rose in a smile, but fell almost instantly.
"Do you think he'll come?" The question had hung in the air since he'd sent the invitation off, off to someone who couldn't bear to have him in the house because he kissed a guy, let alone married one. "Wait, no, I'm sorry. You and me."
"You and me," Phil repeated, pressing a kiss to Dan's temple. "Let's try and get some rest, hey?"
Dan stood, casting a last nervous look at the altar. "Alright."
There's nothing like a fairytale white wedding. And, well, this was nothing like a fairytale white wedding.
The band, as suspected, hadn't arrived, the stage looking pathetically empty and sad. The bridesmaid apparently had chicken pox, so her and her mother couldn't make it. Phil realised to late he'd put a famous butcher next to a family of notoriously righteous vegans, and almost resolved to not have knives included in the cutlery at all- although, that guy was a butcher, who knew what he could do with a spork? Also, it was precisely two thirty in the afternoon, and Dan had already tripped over his feet twice, offended approximately seven relatives, and in a spectacular feat of incoordination, had managed to spill an entire glass of wine over a friend's dress. It was cornflower blue, thanks for asking.
Phil made an irritated noise, cleaning up the glass from a shattered champagne flute. "Are you even trying, Dan? We've both worked pretty damn hard for today, in case you'd forgotten." Dan's hands shook, partly from anger, partly from nerves.
"Like this is all my fault? I didn't even know there was going to be an ice swan, Phil, or that I was the one who had to make sure it didn't freaking melt."
"Ugh, we discussed this, we discussed all of this!" Phil threw his hands in the air. "I don't know why you want to go through with this, if you're going to act like-" he gestured to Dan in frustration.
It's not like Dan hadn't seen this coming.
It's not like he hasn't noticed the tiny, spiderweb cracks forming over the past few months. Always nothing, always a tiny disagreement because Phil forgot to get the perfume for the invitations, or Dan couldn't decide how to arrange the menu. Always a tiny, spindly crack, but under pressure…
Dan shattered.
"If I'm so-" an gestured to himself, mockingly. "If I'm like that, forget a ceremony- I don't know why you want to go through with me." He dumped the flute glass into the bin beside him, balling his hands into fists. "You wouldn't be the first person who decided not to stick with me." He watched Phil's face for a heartbeat, saw horror dawning there, before turning away and heading away from him. From all of it.
The rock skimmed once-twice- before sinking into the water. Must be nice, Dan thought. If he tried to sink, the whole thing would feel a little less relaxing, a lot more Hamlet.
It had seemed romantic, getting married where the sea and sand kissed each other, staring out as the sunset burned a deep amber-red. Now, though, he couldn't see past the pollution, the colours deep green and murky grey where they should have conjured up fires.
We're supposed to be happy.
Then again, it was only a half-truth to say he wasn't happy. Lying next to Phil in the early hours of the morning, curled around each other on wet afternoons, those were things he wouldn't trade for the whole world. It was just… they weren't meant for this. White gazebos and dinner jackets and wine that tasted of almonds and money, it wasn't them and it never had been. So when they tried to do it, he wasn't happy, purely because he wasn't him at all.
He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand as he heard someone approach from behind him. He hoped they didn't look as red as he expected. "Hey."
Phil breathed a sigh of relief, dropping down and wrapping his arms round Dan's neck. "Thank god, you're okay. I didn't know where you'd gone-"
Dan grimaced. He should have mentioned that, probably. "I'm sorry-"
"No, Dan, no, I am." Phil pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry, Dan. I knew you were upset, and I was stressed and I took it out on you, and I really shouldn't have." Dan buried his face in Phil's shoulder. "And I understand if you don't want to go through with this today- or ever, for that matter-"
Dan shook his head, tears starting to leak onto Phil's jacket. "No, I do, I really do, and I want it to be today. I love you, alright? No matter how many things we mess up or however many times it goes wrong or how many things are difficult, I'm always going to want to be your husband."
"Well, that's good, because I'd be pretty stuck otherwise, wouldn't I?" Phil smirked, making a laugh bubble up in Dan's chest. "What with me loving you even more right back in the face?"
"Love in the face?"
"Directly in the face," Phil nodded against the top of Dan's head. "You still don't wanna go back and see everyone, do you?" Dan shook his head again, violently. "Can I- is there a way of making this easier?"
Dan hesitated for a moment. "He didn't come," he said, bluntly. "Dad, he, ah, he didn't come to the wedding. I was going to tell you before, but then… stuff." He shrugged, pulling away from Phil. "I… I don't think I can walk out in front of them. I don't have anyone to walk down the aisle with me, or anyone who's going to look at me and say "I'm so proud, my son's grown up." And I know everyone expects that and I've already messed up with so many of them and I won't say the right thing or I'll fall or-" his breath started to come in sharp little gasps again, while Phil tried to soothe him. "I want to do this," he gestured to himself and Phil. "And I'm sorry, I know we planned everything and you wanted it so much, but I just don't want to do that."
Phil paused. "Okay."
"Okay, what?" Dan frowned. "Don't just leave me with a non-descriptive okay, Phil."
Phil dug his phone out of his pocket, and looked Dan in the eyes. "Dan, I want to marry you. I want to make you happy, and I want to be happy in return. What I don't want is for any of this to feel uncomfortable. So you're not walking in front of those people again until you are my husband, no takebacks." He started dialling. "I'm calling the priest. Let's get married on the seashore, Dan," Phil grinned.
Dan's lips curled up into a smile. "What? We're not going back."
"I want to end this day as your husband, Dan, I really couldn't give less of a damn about going back." He took Dan's hand in his own; Dan held it like it was a lifeline. Maybe it was. "You and me."
"You and me." Suddenly, the beach didn't seem polluted anymore; it looked like heaven itself.
"Do you, Phillip Michael, take Daniel James to be your lawful wedded husband?"
Phil clasped Dan's hands so tight they could have shattered, like so much stained glass. The grains of sand and broken seashells dug into their feet, grounding them. "I, Phillip Michael, do take you, Daniel James, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer." The words took on a rhythm, a poetry in the fading light. "I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you for as long as we both shall live." He smiled, never looking away from Dan as his heart swelled inside him. This love could not be contained within the fragile human heart. Not even a fraction of it. "I promise my love to you forevermore."
Predictably, Phil's mother started crying at this point, muffling her sobs with a tissue Phil had insisted upon. If not for the fact that both her new sons would never have been able to step foot in the house again if she hadn't been allowed to be bear witness, she'd be sat obliviously like the rest of the congregation. In fairness, PJ was sniffing a bit too, smiling so wide it looked like his face would break in two.
The priest turned to Dan, making his heartbeat hammer in his ears and spots dance in front of his eyes. At that point, though, Phil didn't look like he'd be letting go for quite awhile. I'm okay. You and me.
Once the words started, they poured out of him like wine, like liquid diamonds. There's a certain music you only find in wedding vows, certainly only in ones you intend to keep- he wondered, as promises that some part of him (Phil's part of him) knew how to agree to while he was somehow not in control spilled out of him, does everyone hear this, this one song? Is this the universe?
"I promise my love to you forevermore," he said to Phil, voice made barely a whisper through reverence.
The priest faltered, clearly having little practice with how to end gay weddings. "I now pronounce you- you may kiss the- oh, for crying out loud, I pronounce you married, please just kiss so we can get off this beach before the tide comes in."
Dan laughed, pressing his lips against Phil's feeling all the tension drain from the tips of his toes to be replaced by sunshine and oranges and seasalt . They lost each other like that for a moment, until PJ coughed sharply, pulling them back into the mortal realm.
"I love you," Phil murmured, pulling Dan close to his side. They were together, now, officially. A unit. Not just a you and me anymore, but an empirical us.
"I love you too." Dan didn't just say the words- he glowed. He would've kissed Phil again, had his boyfriend's- husband's, he grinned, inwardly correcting himself- mother hadn't swooped in and kissed Phil on both cheeks.
"Phil! Oh, I'm so happy, this was much more romantic, the vows were so wonderful, come here-" She hugged him tightly. "And Dan! Don't think you've escaped!" She kissed Dan, and hugged him; she smelled of lemons and perfume. "Look at you, all grown up in your suit! I'm so proud of you, Dan, love, so happy for both of you." It took a lot of Dan's rapidly waning self control not to burst into tears at that statement. He didn't need a father who hated him to be here, he realised; he just needed his real family. "You better take good care of each other, or you'll both be sorry."
Dan squeezed Phil's hand tightly. "We will." He knew, as he hugged PJ and thanked the priest, that that was true. Knew it in the way he no longer feared the crowd of people waiting for them back at the party. Knew it in the way he could remember the exact pitch and tone of how Phil told Dan he loved him. Knew it in the way their hands fit together like two puzzle pieces that were fortunate enough to find each other again.
"Ready for you and me?" Phil grinned, lifting their tangled hands. Dan could have lived for a thousand years on that smile alone.
"No. Ready for us," he said quietly, and kissed Phil again. It felt like their first kiss, and he was ready for a lifetime of them. Ready for a lifetime of Phil, because they were side by side now.
Now, and forevermore.
Hey guys, thank you for reading! Look I can still write Phan look at me go!
Sorry it's been a while since the youtube baes featured in any of my fics, but I've been working on my SUPER AWESOME phandom big bang work, coming to a tumblr near you on 26th October. It's emotional. It's cute. It's relly good (in my opinion heh) and I know you'll love it so thank you for being so patient!In the meantime, please leave a review and tell me what you thought of this, I really appreciate your comments and thoughts xxx