Title: Lines: Agonizing
Author: Marianne H. Stillie
Categories: Drama, Angst, Episode Tag for "Allies"
Rating: T
Pairing: Ronon/Elizabeth
Series: The Lines Series – Story #6
Season: Season 2
Sequel To: Lines: Questioning, Weakening, Blurring, Crossed, Softening
Summary: Elizabeth waits for word of Ronon's fate with fear and hope.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places for Stargate Atlantis are the property of MGM Worldwide Television Distribution, Sony Pictures Television and Acme Shark Cooper/Wright Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment, not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks are intended. Previously unrecognized characters, places and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Archive: Please do not archive anywhere without the author's permission.
Copyright (c) 2006 Marianne H. Stillie
Author's Note: This story concludes the Stargate Atlantis Season 2 Lines Series. Season 3's "No Man's Land" in July will begin The Lines Series 2.
Lines: Agonizing
Elizabeth watched the blood-red sunset from the farthest western tower of Atlantis. With all the good memories swirling around her in this place, she should have been able to counteract the despair that was tearing her apart. Instead it made her grieve more. She had done what she had feared she would have to do someday – sent Ronon to his death.
She had slept in his bed last night, surrounded by the wild, free scent of him that had been left behind. Despite the sedatives Carson had given her, her subconscious mind had been flooded with grisly nightmares of what the Wraith would do to him. Yet she longed to be back in that room where they had shared so much love.
With very little sleep in days, she didn't dare cry. Instead, she continued to do her duty as leader of the Atlantis expedition and deal with the reality that three of her key personnel were MIA. The fact that one of them had been her lover for some time now was a personal consideration that she had to ignore.
After news of the debacle of the so-called alliance with the Wraith had spread through the city, the first person she went to see was Teyla. Of all the people in Atlantis, Elizabeth knew she was the one in the most anguish. At least she knew Ronon was a prisoner aboard the Wraith hive ship. John Sheppard had gone totally missing.
She met with the self-possessed leader of the Athosian people in Teyla's own quarters. The younger woman listened to her calm, rational speech and countered with her own determination and philosophical acceptance of the situation. All the while, Elizabeth noticed that Teyla was gripping one of John's black t-shirts. She clutched it close to her body, her hands constantly moving on the fabric.
Elizabeth wanted desperately to beg Teyla's forgiveness for all the horrible consequences of her bad decisions. The only thing that stopped her was her respect for her friend's pride and amazing strength. Teyla Emmagan's lover might be dead but she would carry on as her people had for generations.
Radek, who had assumed interim leadership of the scientists despite his obvious uneasiness with the position, told her that the morale among them was at an all-time low. She'd felt the palpable fear among the personnel as she'd made her rounds of the labs and workrooms that first day. Despite how irritating Rodney could often be, he was their leader and kept all the drastically different disciplines working effectively. They respected and admired him even when they wished he would shut up for just five minutes once in awhile.
Her meeting with Colonel Caldwell went better than she'd expected. He agreed to her request that Major Lorne take over as temporary military commander of the city. She was grateful that he didn't argue this time. His responsibilities for the Daedalus and the Orion were apparently more than enough for him to handle in this crisis.
That first lonely night in Ronon's bed, she'd fallen into a restless sleep that ended abruptly with bloody images of him trying to escape from the hive ship. She knew he would attempt to escape his worst enemy. She clung to the hope that he would somehow survive. He had become strong enough that no matter what they might do to him again, he would recover once he returned to Atlantis.
In the dark room, she made her way to the chair beside the bed where he'd left one of his animal skin shirts. She took off the nightgown she was wearing and put the shirt on then crawled back into his bed. The soft material enveloped her body in the same way his arms would have. She knew it was her imagination, but she sensed him there with her and she was able to sleep a little.
Elizabeth was awake long before the sun rose this second day. She watched it come up from a table on the balcony of the mess hall. Her cup of tea remained untouched between her hands. In the full light, she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. She looked up into Carson Beckett's kind eyes.
"May I speak to you, Elizabeth?"
"Of course, Carson. Is something wrong?"
He sat across from her and looked directly into her eyes. "I want to apologize for neglecting my doctor/patient responsibility to you. I have been so absorbed in my work with the retrovirus, that I've forgotten my real duty to you."
"I'm not sick, Carson."
"No, but you are in a great deal of pain in your worry over Ronon."
Quickly she responded, "There are three of our people MIA. I'm worried about all of them."
Carson reached across the table and took her hands in his. "When you came to me for the birth control pills, I didn't ask any personal questions because it wasn't my business. I did wonder, but it wasn't until quite recently that I found out."
Her cheeks flushing, she asked, "How?"
He laughed lightly. "When you came to the infirmary after Colonel Sheppard's team returned from Taranis, you thought everyone except Ronon had left the room."
Elizabeth remembered that she had wiped a smudge of volcanic ash from Ronon's cheek and then kissed him before they left the infirmary. Since he'd been shot by the alien entity that had possessed her weeks before, she always went to meet Sheppard's team after their post-mission medical check ups. It was a little thing between the two of them that had very special meaning.
Sensing her discomfort, Carson said, "There are only two men in Atlantis who are your equal, Elizabeth. Since John Sheppard is spoken for, that leaves Ronon." When she smiled slightly but didn't answer, Carson added more strongly, "After two years, I know you too well. You will push yourself to exhaustion so all of us stay hopeful and secure. As your doctor, I expect you to eat properly and sleep adequately so that you won't wind up in my infirmary as a patient. You'll be no good to us if that happens."
"You're right, Carson. Thank you."
The doctor squeezed her hands. "I have two patients to check on. Come see me when you want to talk."
After Carson left, she admitted that she had reverted to the way she had been living her life before Ronon came, keeping excessively busy and not allowing herself to feel. As she moved around the city, she began recalling every precious moment and feeling she had experienced since he had arrived in Atlantis.
A smile played around her lips as she remembered how flustered and bewildered she had been by the numerous contradictions he represented. To say that she had been confounded, unsettled, disturbed and ultimately disarmed by his honesty and directness was an understatement. For the first time in her adult life, Dr. Elizabeth Weir was unsure of herself. It was a condition that had escalated as she found herself attracted to him in ways that were increasingly inappropriate. She would have been able to keep all her personal feelings under control, until that day in the Gate room when he had winked at her.
After taking Carson's advice to eat something, she had gone to the jumper bay. She watched first one then another jumper carrying Halling and a party of Athosians back to the mainland to check on their crops and animals. From the balcony, she saw Teyla with a group of children as they also watched the jumpers take off. Elizabeth was glad that the children were staying for the time being. The vibrancy of their young lives was sorely needed in this city that had become far too quiet.
Teyla saw her on the balcony and gave her a long look. There were no words, but Elizabeth knew why she was staying in the city instead of going with the group. Teyla needed to be there for the same reason she did, in case word came about their men.
For the rest of the day, she worked in her office, closely monitoring the activity in the control room. As the hours passed with no word, her mind flashed back to other times.
The western tower was their special place, away from everything and everyone. During Ronon's recuperation from the gunshot wound, they had spent many peaceful, private hours there. It had been a time for them to grow closer, to be truly alone and talk about things that their sunset meetings were too short to cover.
For someone who spoke only when he absolutely needed to, Ronon had become almost loquacious with her. Their mutual trust and respect expanded to include conversations about each other's strengths and, eventually, easy exchanges about their feelings, for each other and for a long list of personal beliefs.
The sun was strong that afternoon. Elizabeth rested on her elbow just watching him lying beside her. She had reached a point where she easily admitted how much she liked looking at his body. His wound had healed so that it no longer needed a bandage. Soon he would be going back to full duty with John's team. She was grateful for his recovery but sad to see their 'getting to know each other' time go back to the sporadic hour or two they could manage before. Not wanting to wake him, she held her hand just above his skin and traced a line from the center of his chest down to the healing scar.
"I'm not asleep," his deep voice said, his eyes slitting open.
Laughing lightly, Elizabeth lowered her hand and retraced the line, this time touching his skin, slowly and languidly.
As her hand stopped on the scar, Ronon rolled toward her. His hand went behind her head and pulled her to him for a deep kiss.
The kiss went on longer than any kiss between them ever had. Her body strained closer to him, drawn to the heat and desire that she felt radiating from his body. Their physical reactions to each other matched their public personas, a pendulum of stoic and volatile that created both balance and excitement in their growing relationship.
Ronon suddenly pulled away from her. Breathing heavily, he sat up. "Talk about something."
"What?"
"Anything. Ask me a question."
Her confusion began to ease as she realized what had happened. The first thing that popped into her head was a question she had never asked John Sheppard despite their two-year friendship and strong working relationship. The military commander of Atlantis always kept his deepest emotions securely locked away from everyone, hiding behind a quick wit and easy smile. By contrast, Ronon was very open and approachable emotionally. It was why they had become so close so quickly.
"Why did you become a soldier?"
He laughed and looked at her. "Because I like saving damsels in distress."
"You've been hanging around John Sheppard too long," she laughed back.
"Teyla calls him a reluctant hero. I guess I am too. I chose the life of a soldier because it's what I do best. I can fight and I can survive. Here in the Pegasus Galaxy that's important. Sheppard understands that too. It's why we watch each other's backs so well."
"You're not afraid of dying?"
In an unusually emotional tone, Ronon answered, "I don't want to die. Especially not now. But if forfeiting my life someday means saving yours and all the people here in Atlantis, then it's what I'll do."
Elizabeth broke the heavy silence that followed his words, "Don't do it too soon."
She kissed him lightly on the lips then stood up. "I have to get back to work. Dinner in the mess hall?"
Ronon stood up, close to her but not as close as he usually stood. "There's something called sushi on the menu tonight." His eyebrow cocked questioningly.
"Raw fish, vegetables and seaweed."
"Sounds interesting," he said skeptically. "But I've had worse."
Ronon offered her his arm and they headed toward the transporter, their laughter escalating with each step.
At the end of the day, Elizabeth found herself alone in her office. A look at her watch reminded her that she had to be someplace.
From the tower balcony, she watched the last glimmers of light quickly collapsing into the sea. In the darkness, her most recent memories of Ronon made her body ache for him in new waves of longing.
After returning from the hive ship that night, Ronon had waited for her outside her office. Not caring who might see, she took his outstretched hand and let him lead her to the transporter.
In his room, he slowly undressed her and let her do the same to him. Their lovemaking was always fresh and exciting, but in those last hours before he had to leave her again, what they shared with each of their senses went far beyond any intimacy they had lavished on each other before. Instinctively they craved a sensual imprinting that would survive whatever might come next from the world outside. They prolonged their final release until their bodies could no longer hold back the need.
Elizabeth held him closer than usual but there was an intensity to the way he held her that was very different. Ronon would never talk about missions when they were in bed together. Only laughter, love and good things were allowed in their private time. He rarely used words to express how much he loved her. His eloquence was in his actions, from the simplest caress to the most passionate movements of his body. He also had never shown fear in any way.
In a voice layered with a complexity of those diverse feelings, he whispered in her ear, "Thank you for loving me."
There was no answer Elizabeth could verbalize. Instead she let a trickle of bittersweet tears fall onto his skin as she fell asleep in his arms.
He had already left for the hive ship when she woke up at sunrise.
The endless darkness across the water was barely softened by the lights of the city. She scanned the sky looking for some sign of where he might be. Trying to sleep meant facing another night of nightmares. She felt him slipping away from her as more time went by with no word. The downward spiral of fear was growing and she forced her mind away from it. She needed to keep her hope alive.
"Elizabeth?"
Startled at hearing Teyla's voice come out of the dark, she turned quickly.
Teyla walked out to the balcony and stood beside the older woman. "I am sorry if I frightened you."
Sighing, Elizabeth answered, "It's all right. My mind was just very far away."
"I understand. I want to apologize for not seeking you out sooner. We are sharing an identical pain and should be comforting each other."
"My friendship with John is minor to what he is to you."
Teyla smiled. "I am referring to Ronon."
Recalling Teyla's deeply empathic abilities, she asked, "How did you find out?"
"There are many things about my new little brother that will never change and none of us would want them to. But there is a true peace and calmness in him since you began loving him that I see and understand."
Teyla moved closer to Elizabeth. She could see the other woman's eyes glistening with unshed tears. "John will be back. I know it. And he will bring Ronon home to you. He never leaves anyone behind. I believe that with all my heart and I hope you will believe it too."
"We just have to believe," Elizabeth whispered.
Teyla's powerful hands took her friend's trembling hands in hers firmly. "You are a strong woman, Elizabeth. But even those of us who are strong need to cry sometimes."
The two women embraced in their mutual fear and hope and allowed their tears to come.