Greigh Savage and Bridger Caldwell
Sponsor: Ms. Kristen Neander
Citrus High School
600 W Highland Boulevard Thespian Troupe 9–4405
Inverness, Florida 34452
December/27/2009Final Draft
Synopsis
Crow Creek High. By Greigh Savage and Bridger Caldwell. Start brewing the coffee and get out the vicatin! It's time to go to America's favorite little town (not)! Things begin to heat up in Crow Creek when the loveable duo of Huck Hammerstein and Stevie Buscemmeburger breaks up. As the story goes on, the plot twists and shouts for 20+ exciting pages! We include everyone's favorite characters, including Jimmy Shag, the super-nerd that runs the Wal-Mart-like school store, Sue-Z Sombrero, the racy girl that only goes for Quarterbacks, and Mr. Schwas, the secret alien advanced math teacher, and many, many, many, many more! A warning though, this production is only to be viewed by serious people, as in people that can take a freakin' joke.
Character list – Crow Creek High
In order of appearance . . .
THE NARRATOR: (narrator for the story, easily annoyed, sort of a dick)
JIMMY SHAG: (smart, nerdy, owns school store, disrespected; but he don't care, lover to Dandy Dandelion)
HUCK HAMMERSTEIN: (quarterback for the Crow Creek High football team, friends with Stevie Buscemmeburger and lover to Sue-Z Sombrero)
STEVIE BUSCEMMEBURGER: (geeky friend of Huck Hammerstein, angry that Sue-Z is stealing his friend)
SHIM BRIDGERS: (jokester, shorty, killed by random zombie, turns into a zombie)
SUE-Z SOMBRERO: (total ho, lover to Huck Hammerstein, hot! hot! hot!)
THE ZOMBIES: (zombies)
UNNAMED GOTH GIRL: (Goth girl, always found usually reading, tough, watch the entire play to find out what her name is!)
DANDY DANDELION: (optimistic, when angry: you better do what she says, lover to Jimmy Shag)
DANNY DANDELION: (optimistic, gay, killed by Zombie Shim, turns into a zombie)
DR. DINGLE: (evil, murderer, science teacher, killed by Jimmy Shag)
COACH ZEUS HIGHLANDER: (based on writer's phys. Ed. Teacher, jerk, Olympian, wields a golf club, and talks in southern accent, killed by zombies)
Mr. Schwas: (Evil alien from outer space that wants to take over the world using zombification, teaches advanced math)
GIRL #1: (sits outside the school store, gets killed by a gang of zombies, referred to as "Sammy" by Huck)
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: (the 44th president of the United States of America, dies)
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: (basically Barack Obama's second banana)
W. BUSH: (Barack Obama's worst fear) Crow Creek High Page 1 Scene One: OpeningOpen curtains as THE NARRATOR walks to center stage. He is dressed in formal clothes. He talks in an old, George Carlin-like voice.
-Narrator-
Hello, people. Welcome to the story of Crow Creek High. I'm glad you all came here tonight. Are you happy?
(Beat for audience)
Great, because I'm not. (Walks to podium on the side of the stage, still in view) I'm an amazing narrator! I'm one of the best! But. . I have anger issues… and the (whiney) Narrating Association of America sees me unfit to narrate a "good" story. I could've been narrating a great story, like an episode of Sponge Bob, but noooooooo. I have to talk through this disgusting, zombie-infested, hell fest. So, if I'm going to tell this story, I'm going to tell it my way. To start you off, if you have ever lived in rural Kansas, get out. If you actually give a crap about politics, get out. And finally, if you really think Miley Cyrus' music is good, get out. Okay, let's get on with the show.
Curtains open to reveal a peculiar looking boy, JIMMY SHAG, wearing glasses and a tuxedo (which he wears for the whole entire show), making a weird face before he utters in a very high voice and lisp…
-Jimmy Shag-
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Do you know where the bus stop is? I can't seem to find it.
-Narrator-
OVER THERE! (Mutters) Mother said 'never smack an idiot.' (Taps Jimmy on the head.) Go away.
JIMMY SHAG retreats into the wings. Curtains close. Open to Bus stop sign. We see HUCK HAMMERSTEIN, STEVIE BUSCEMMEBURGER, AND SHIM BRIDGERS pantomiming talking. HUCK is has a hat turned to the side, STEVIE has formal clothes, and SHIM is short.
-Narrator-
This is Huck Hammerstein, the lovable jock, with friends, Stevie Buscemmeburger, the nerdy never-was superhero, and Shim Bridgers, short.
-Shim Bridgers-
…somy response was, OF COURSE! WHY NOT!
All three laugh hysterically.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Dude, you should do stand-up.
-Narrator-
Wow. Only in small towns do you ever find losers this big. Anyway, what these kids don't know is…
JIMMY SHAG walks up to THE NARRATOR, again. Even the three boys pay attention.
-Jimmy Shag-
Hiiiiiiiiiii… Again. Do you know where the bathroom is? I really got to go because one of them football players gave me a very tasty burrito (Huck and company snicker). But now I feel woozy and now I feel like my bladder is eating itself.
Crow Creek High Page 2-Narrator-
(Sincereish) Please go, go away. (Jimmy Shag goes offstage as the other characters wait, he returns and retreats to a corner of the stage where he paces in a circle) Anyway, what these kids don't know is that their high school is freakin' nuts. But that's later in the story. (Looks at the boys) You were saying?
-Shim Bridgers-
Oh, right. Okay, fellas, I got another one I'd think you guys will-oh, shizz! I forgot my backup toilet paper at home. See you guys.
SHIM BRIDGERS runs offstage.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
That was weird. By the way, Huck. Dude, we've been hanging out all summer, but it just seems to me that lately you've just been distancing yourself from me. Is there something wrong?
-Huck Hammerstein-
Sorry, man. It's just . . . ah. I don't know how to say this, but I just think that we shouldn't be friends anymore. You know, I'm going to try out for the football team's new punter, and, well, I just can't risk losing the possibility of getting hot babes by hanging out with you. I hope you understand. (Puts hand on Stevie's shoulder) You're just too much of a geek for me.
STEVIE BUSCEMMEBURGER runs off crying hysterically. Comes back and says…
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
I hate you!
He spits at him.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(wipes shoe) really, man? Really? You know, this is the only bus stop for five miles! Just saying.
HUCK looks sad and remorseful into the distance for a moment, but all that is changed when the most beautiful girl in the county walks by. She wears revealing clothing and advertises her ass, which JIMMY SHAG stares longingly at. She is constantly fixing a bra. She is actually quite bitchin'. She is, the one, the only, SUE-Z SOMBRERO.
-Narrator-
That's Sue-Z Sombrero, and let me tell you the story just got a whole lot better for me. You can tell by the dumb look on Huck's face that she is the most beautiful chick in this story.
JIMMY SHAG starts to say his signature "hi", but is pushed out of the way by SUE-Z. He watches from his corner.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Excited) Hey Sue-Z!
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Bitchy) Hi Huck. I'm glad you ditched that geeky son of a bitch. That guy doesn't deserve you anyway. By the way, what classes do you have?
-Huck Hammerstein-
Uh, science, gym, and then advanced math.
Crow Creek High Page 3As HUCK says advanced math, lightning flashes. The characters look around, but dismiss it as nothing.
-Narrator-
Hey! Someone fix the damn lights.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
That's weird. I have the same classes.
HUCK thanks God as SUE-Z gets something out of her pocket.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Barely audible) Thank you God.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Yeah, because everyone I've talked to says that they have the same classes that we have. So are you trying out for the football team?
-Huck Hammerstein-
If I told you, would you make out with me?
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Touching Huck's lips and chest, talks like a kitten) Maybe.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Stuttering as Sue-Z licks her lips) Yea, I'm going to be Crow Creek High's new (pauses) punter.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(pushes Huck to the ground, laughing) Oh my god. All that hot muscle, wasted at kicker.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Gets up) Punter, actually.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Whatever, I only go for quarterbacks.
-Huck Hammerstein-
I could be a quarterback.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Really. (Huck nods) You sure. (Nods again) Sure you can be safe from all those defensive big shots? (Nods again, again) Sure you can throw all those long passes? (Huck nods a final time) Sure you can-
-Huck Hammerstein-
Sue-Z, I'm pretty sure I can handle it.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Well, if you're sure…
SUE-Z lands a hot, wet kiss on Huck's lips. JIMMY SHAG, still on the ground watching, faints. After the kiss, HUCK leans against the bus stop sign, making it fall over, as SUE-Z fixes her lipstick.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(lying on the ground) I almost didn't get out of bed this morning. (Gets up) That would have been the biggest mistake of my entire life.
Crow Creek High Page 4-Narrator-
Yeah, good for you, kid. Try being my age, where nobody looks like her.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(not even listening) Hey, here comes the bus.
-Huck Hammerstein-
Yeah. Hey, wait a second. What. . OH MY GOD! Why is the short bus picking us up! Oh, Jesus! Everyone's going to make fun of me! All the kids will think I'm a retard!
SUE-Z smacks HUCK in the back of the head. JIMMY woozily gets up.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Get a hold of yourself, dumbass. I heard that only, like, 20 people are going to school this year, so apparently we have to ride with the mentally challenged.
-Jimmy Shag-
(Behind her shoulder) Hello baby.
In disgust SUE-Z violently slaps JIMMY in the face. JIMMY is knocked out and lays on the bus stop, unconscious.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
See.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Sue-Z starts to leave, stopped by Huck) Wait. We can't just leave him there.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Why not?
-Huck Hammerstein-
Good point.
HUCK and SUE-Z both exit the stage to "get on the bus", leaving JIMMY SHAG in the middle of the stage. Curtains close.
-Narrator-
So the bitch and the jock rode the bus all the way to school, as the crybaby nerd ran away as the short one returned to the bus stop.
Curtains open to reveal SHIM coming to an empty bus stop carrying toilet paper. He looks around and starts to talk.
-Shim Bridgers-
Hum. (Confused) I'm alone? No one's here? (Cries) I hate to be alone! How am I going to make people laugh if there's nobody here! God I just thought of the most hilarious joke ever and nobody is around to hear it!
-Narrator-
You know, I have a feeling in my gut that no one listens to you because you're an annoying idiot.
-Shim Bridgers-
(Throws the toilet paper at the narrator, narrator recoils in disgust) No! People love me, you'll see, jerk.
A ZOMBIE walks onstage, moaning and groaning. SHIM follows him as he stumbles into the wings.
Crow Creek High Page 5-Shim Bridgers-
Maybe he'll listen to my joke. (Runs offstage) Hey, you there! Wow, you look disgusting! (Suddenly screams offstage, blood (fake, please) is thrown across the stage) Wait, no! No! Oh, God, WHY! WHY! No, don't kill me! I just got a new book from Barnes and Noble!
He dies. Curtains close.
-Narrator-
I told you he'd hate you. (Addresses audience) Remember Stevie Buscemmeburger? Why yes, he isstill crying.
Curtains open to STEVIE BUSCEMMEBURGER, sitting on a fallen log. He takes out a comic book.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
At least you still love me Superman. Man, I wish I had superpowers. I could have Huck back and kill that ho, Sue-Z. (Pauses at each comma) No one would leave me, alone, on a log, in a creepy forest, a very creepy forest.
Suddenly, a sound erupts, and STEVIE runs scared for a second before looking to the sky to see a "meteorite" hit the ground. He goes into the wings and comes back with a weird looking rock.
-Narrator-
What the heck are you doing! That thing just fell from the sky. You know your going to get cancer just by touching that thing, right?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Sarcastic) Yeah, like I'm going to listen to you. I bet you this thing is worth a lot.
-Narrator-
You sure.
-Stevie Buscemmebuger-
Totally.
-Narrator-
(Shifty) let me see it. You know, just to be sure.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Oh hell, no.
Heruns offstage.
-Narrator-
Damn it. I needed that money. End of Scene One.
End of Scene One.
Scene Two: First Day at a crappy School.
-Narrator-
Do you like the story so far? Is it crazy enough for you, people? (Takes popcorn out from under the podium, starts to eat it) You know, this story isn't as bad as I thought it would be. To tell you the truth, I wish there would be a lot more blood, you know. (Sneers) That and sex. But moving on, I think you people should know a little bit more history about this town in question. Crow Creek was actually the site of nuclear testing, and Crow Creek High School was
Crow Creek High Page 6built at ground zero. So you can imagine the fact that the only people that live in this town are, in fact, weird. Just thought you'd want to know that. So anyway, our story continues at the High school, where everyone met up for their first class, science, the class of geniuses and more often then not, genetic mutations.
Curtains open to see the UNNAMED GOTH GIRL, in black and red from her hair to her combat boots, standing by herself in the back of an empty class reading a book, while JIMMY SHAG sleeps in the center of the floor. The school is so poor; the classroom only has a desk for the teacher. Next to the teacher's desk is one of those chalkboards that flip to another chalkboard on the back. The side that's visible reads "Science". The chairs are clad in backpacks. The NARRATER focuses on the GOTH GIRL.
-Narrator-
Okay,I don't know who the heck she is. Where is everybody? Hey, hey you, where'd everyone go. Hey, I'm talking to you! (Goth girl gets up, and walks toward the narrator) Come on, don't be a bitch. Stop ignoring me. Answer! Where'd they all-
UNNAMED GOTH GIRL punches the NARRATOR between the eyes, knocking him out. As she walks back to her seat, she turns and sticks her tongue out at his unconscious body. DANDY DANDELION walks up from offstage up to the UNNAMED GOTH GIRL. She wears flower-printed clothes that might have been older than her own mother. She has a bow in her hair and a "little bit too friendly" attitude.
-Dandy Dandelion-
Hello. I'm Dandy Dandelion. (Kisses Goth girl on her cheeks, much to Unnamed Goth Girl's horror, as she is standing still as Dandy walks about the room) Isn't it such a perfect day! This room is amazing. Look at the man on the floor, isn't he so full of life?
DANDY DANDELION wonders around the room in awe, as UNNAMED GOTH GIRL continues to stand, frozen, in the middle of the room. HUCK HAMMERSTEIN walks into the room, covered in lipstick and hair in a frizz, and almost trips over JIMMY SHAG'S sleeping body. DANDY walks up to him, holding out her hand for him to shake, but Huck coldly walks straight past her and stands dizzily in the corner of the stage. DANDY, taken aback sighs. Then DANNY DANDELION walks in. Oh my god, you should see this guy. He has the standard church clothes and a crazy, colorful bow on his shirt. He also wears lipstick and shakes his hips as he walks into the classroom.
-Danny Dandelion-
(Gaily, literally) HEY, GIRL!
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Runs up to him) Danny! Oh my god! Everyone, this is my twin brother!
-Danny and Dandy Dandelion-
Brother. Sister. (Snaps three times) Mm, Mm, good. (Spirit fingers)
DANNY AND DANDY go to the back of the class. DANDY is distracted by HUCK. He turns to him and deeply sniffs HUCK'S shirt.
-Danny Dandelion-
Oh my god, you smell amazing.
HUCK instantly sobers and shushes DANNY away. The GOTH GIRL returns to her seat, and starts to read a book. STEVIE BUSCEMMEBURGER walks into the "class" with a backpack that has a humongous bulge in it. He walks straight up to HUCK and when her sits in his chair, he makes an "angry face" at him.
Crow Creek High Page 7-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Yeah thanks for leaving me for that slut, man.
-Huck Hammerstein-
I'm a teenage athlete, sluts are extremely important to me. (Acting wise) You see, I like to believe in a little thing I like to call the Sacred Power of the Shirt Puppets. It's a power contained in a woman's boobs that draws men (and even some women) to them. I don't understand why you don't like Sue-Z. I mean, whoever don't think she's extremely hot is extremely gay.
STEVIE stutters at that remark. As if on cue, the beautiful SUE-Z SOMBRERO walks into the room, blowing a kiss to HUCK. All eyes on her. She walks to where JIMMY SHAG is, sighs, and kicks him in the ribs. He wakes up disorientated but speaks when he sees SUE-Z.
-Jimmy Shag-
Hello again, baby.
JIMMY receives another, harder kick. He scoots out of her way. SUE-Z walks over to HUCK.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Sexual) I'll see you after class, young man.
SUE-Z goes away from Huck to put on more makeup. HUCK makes an "I told you so" face at STEVIE.
-Huck Hammerstein-
See what I said, any dude that wouldn't like her is probably gay.
-Danny Dandelion-
(Leaning in) what a whore.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Creeped out, turns to Stevie, changing the subject) Dude, have you seen Shim? Where'd he go?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
I don't know where he went. He went back to his house the last I saw him; don't know what happened to him.
Then, ZOMBIE SHIM stumbles into class. His clothes are tattered, with blood on them and he has black marks on his face. Everyone stares at him as he moans loudly, but then ignore him, thinking he's sick. He stumbles over to his friends.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Dude, what in the hell happened to you?
-Zombie Shim-
Rwaaaaaawunnndaaaaa!
-Huck Hammerstein-
Oh, jeez. Your breath smells like rotten meat.
-Zombie Shim-
(Laughs while smiling evilly)
Then, finally, the teacher, DR. DINGLE, walks into the class. He wears Bermuda shorts and scrubs with flip-flops and an Afro.
Crow Creek High Page 8-Dr Dingle-
Hello, future garbage truck drivers. I'm Dr. Dingle. (Flips, then writes on chalkboard) That's D-I-N-G-L-E. This year, I will be teaching you all the scientifical arts you need to learn to graduate. (Snickers) I'm sorry; I love telling that little joke. Like you guys are really any good at anything.
-Huck Hammerstein-
Hey, give us a break. Our summer's over, man.
-Dr. Dingle-
(Ignoring him) Now, everyone take your seats.
Everyone takes his or her seats.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Still reading) There's no place to put our stuff.
-Dr. Dingle-
(Points at eyes) Hey, Satan, look into my eyes when you talk to me. If there is nowhere to put your stuff, then you know what? (Yells) Shove it up your ass. (Looks down) Who is the man on the ground?
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Oh, that's the narrator. (Dr. Dingle bends down to try and wake him up) Yeah, you should probably wake him up so we don't have to stay in the same class forever.
As the NARRATOR starts to stand, the DANDELION TWINS cheer.
-Narrator-
Wow, look. It's Raggedy Ann and Andy.
The NARRATOR takes his place at the podium. DR. DINGLE returns to the chalkboard and begins to write down enormous diagrams on the board while he pantomimes talking. The kids don't pay any attention, except Jimmy Shag. We stares at the board intently. SUE-Z takes out a through pillow from her backpack and sleeps in the chair, while the DANDELION TWINS sleep back to back in their chairs.
-Narrator-
(Rubs face, addresses audience) Now, since I bet you guys don't want to go through any horrible memories involving science projects, we'll just skip the bulk of this class. Bottom line, that science teacher, Dingle, freak. Nut job. Ex con, killed a man and then stuffed him in his desk. And he's the most qualified science teacher in the county. By the way, what happened while I was knocked out, huh? I expect you guys to tell me these things. Well whatever, I think the class is almost over.
DR. DINGLE is in the middle of finishing the lecture.
-Dr. Dingle-
…And that is why this is not important. (Starts signing papers) Class dismissed.
Everyone starts to pack up and leave. They leave the class one by one until only STEVIE and his enormous backpack are left. He starts for the "door", but is stopped by DR. DINGLE.
-Dr. Dingle-
(Looks up from his papers) what's in the bag, Buscemmeburger?
Crow Creek High Page 9-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Spooked) Okay. You promise you won't tell anybody?
-Dr. Dingle-
Can't promise that, Mr. Buscemmeburger.
Stevie opens his pack, revealing the meteorite. DR. DINGLE runs out of his chair, in awe of it.
-Dr. Dingle-
(Speaking very quickly) how'd you get a hold of one of these? Never mind. I don't want to know what you did to the some guy to get this. I need to have it. What do you want for it? I'll give you anything; weapons, chicks, cash?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Ecstatic) Cash is good!
DR. DINGLE goes to his desk, opens the drawer, and pulls out stacks and stacks of money, also pulling out a severed arm. In disgust, he throws the arm away and hands the cash to STEVIE.
-Dr. Dingle-
Don't speak of this to anybody. Leave.
STEVIE leaves. Curtains close.
-Narrator-
The next class is gym, which, the breeding ground for short shorts. Now, anyone in the audience ever had a gym teacher that was, a little bit, too crazy. Well, this high school has one of those, and his name, is the Coach, Zeus Highlander. He's won Olympic medals, and has actually come from Olympus. And he is here. Everyone, the Coach!
Angels sing. Curtains open. There's no one there, except2 evil, disgusting ZOMBIE. Then, the COACH bursts onto the stage, wearing short shorts and sunglasses, brandishing a golf club, yelling…
-Coach Z. Highlander-
(Beating down kids with a golf club; yells in southern accent) I'M SICK OF KIDS COMING INTO MY GYM WITHOUT PERMISSION! I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, NOT TO GO IN HERE UNLESS I'M THERE!
The COACH beats them to a brutal death, then rolls them offstage and mopped up the evidence. He then travels to the other side of the stage, opens a "door", and lets the kids (HUCK, SUE-Z, DANDY, DANNY, JIMMY, ZOMBIE SHIM, AND THE UNNAMED GOTH GIRL) in.
-Narrator-
You just missed the beating of a lifetime.
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Walks up to the coach) Hello! I'm Dandy! How are you? This is my twin brother Danny. It's nice to meet you.
Danny and Dandy hug the gym teacher, who justs pushes them away, disgusted. The kids file in at the back of the gym. The COACH, pacing in front of them, his golf club swinging by his side, says…
-Coach Z. Highlander-
Now, I understand that most of you are so-called "indoor kids". For most of you, the only workout you ever had was reaching for the remote or stretching to
Crow Creek High Page 10pick up cat shit. I'm a gonna change all of that. I am not fond of any bullshit you kids pull on the other teachers. If you are on my list, I will beat you down with a golf club, and store you in the dumpster out back. You will show up on time or I will beat you down with a golf club and store you in the dumpster out back. And lastly, there will be no personal displays of affection in my gym, or you both will be beaten down with a golf club, and store you in the dumpster out back. Those are my three rules of thumb. Now, in exactly two minutes you will be ordered to change in front of your peers into itchy, embarrassing, school colored gym clothing. (Holding the golf club in both hands) Does everybody understand this, if not, I will gladly explain it.
The bulk of the kids nod, but JIMMY SHAG says…
-Jimmy Shag-
I would appreciate more explanation on-
The COACH swings the golf club into the shins of JIMMY SHAG (fake it), who violently screams in pain as he falls to the floor.
-Narrator-
Ouch!
-Coach Z. Highlander-
Now, proceed to the locker room facility, before I wear this 9 iron out on your assets.
-Danny Dandelion-
This is the best day of my life. (Looks at Huck) I'm not wearing any underwear.
All the kids rush to the locker rooms, including JIMMY, who limps. STEVIE BUSCEMMEBURGER walks into the classroom. The COACH yells at him.
-Coach Z. Highlander-
Where have you been! Why weren't you here when the bell rang! Your in big trouble, bub! You go that locker room and change now!
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Scared, then smug) Uh. Mr. Franklin says 'I don't have to go to gym all week'.
COACH Z. HIGHLANDER looks around before taking the $100 bill, and then he walks offstage. Stevie Buscemmeburger walks offstage the opposite way.
-Narrator-
I remember gym class when was a kid. (Recoils) Eww, never mind, those were terrible memories. There were those moldy, wooden benches. All the lockers were rusty. The floors were covered in dead bugs, and the ceiling in asbestos. Sheesh, it always looked like the perfect murder scene.
There is a scream offstage, and DANNY DANDELION runs on stage, clothes torn. He trips mid stage, rolls, gets back up, screams, and runs offstage. Then, we see ZOMBIE SHIM stumbling after him. Cue fake blood (again, fake blood!). Then we hear DANNY screaming…
-Danny Dandelion-
Oh! Help! Dandy, help me girl! Why you biting me! Oh, well actually that's kind of nice.
Curtains close.
Crow Creek High Page 11-Narrator-
(Pauses)I don't even want to know. I wonder what's going on with the gym class? I hope the coach hasn't beaten their brains out yet.
Curtains open to see the kids standing at the back of the stage, without DANNY and SHIM. All the kids are wearing skimpy, uncomfortable, stained clothing colored grey and green. The COACH is pacing the floor, golf club in hand.
-Coach Z. Highlander-
Now, it seems several of your classmates have failed to show up for class.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Scared) No, I see them coming now!
-Narrator-
Where? Oh. (Laughs)
DANNY AND SHIM walk into the class, both snarling and moaning. DANNY looks like SHIM with the bloodstains and black marks. The coach walks up to them.
-Coach Z. Highlander-
(Sarcastic and mean) Well look who showed up! And you aren't dressed. Well isn't that a kick in the head. Thanks to you suckers, I a gonna lead this whole gym class in a run around the gym!
The class groans.
-Coach Z. Highlander-
Shut the hell up! Now, march!
The kids including DANNY AND SHIM begin marching. Then, the coach runs them off the stage into the audience, all the while chanting "Hup, to! Hup, to!" "Move, bitch! Get out the way!" "Hey, you there. Hey, you there, you there" and " Ice cream and cake! Do the ice cream and cake!" while the narrator claps to the beat. He runs them through and around the audience until each chant is done at least several times before he leads them back onstage. The kids, including the zombies (and the coach!), are panting at the back of the stage.
-Coach Z. Highlander-
(Panting after each word) Okay, you know what? Class dismissed.
The coach faints. The kids leave. The curtains close.
-Narrator-
That was actually kind of funderful. This play is really growing on me. I wonder what class they have next!
He looks down at the podium and picks up a class schedule. He looks at it, frowns, and puts it back down on the podium.
-Narrator-
(Sighs) The next class they have is advanced math, the most useless class in all the history of the world. It's almost as useless as those lectures on classifying different types of twine that I took in collage. Trust me, nothing in that subject will be used for the rest of their lives. When has it ever been a useful thing to know how to divide improper fractions? (Tears up a little) I feel for all the brain cells wasted on this class. (Pauses, speaks again, serious. If you want to make it even more ominous, use fog machines and turn lights red) But this class is different. (Leans in, whispers) This class is particular in that someone not of this world teaches it. He hides tentacles in his clothes, with eyes on the back of his head, and who knows what is going on
Crow Creek High Page 12behind those eyes, those terrible, seemingly normal eyes? It's the part of the show that terrorizes me even to talk about it. Advanced math with the evil teacher, MR. SCHWAS!
Scary music plays, lightning flashes. The curtains are opened and… nobody there. It's an empty classroom exactly like DR. DINGLE'S. All that's different is that the chalkboard says "Math". The NARRATOR storms to the middle of the classroom.
-Narrator-
Oh, that's grand! Amazing, really! Every time I flip to a classroom, it's either zombies or nobody! We are wasting time that could be spent at McDonald's getting fat!
Suddenly, MR. SCHWAS, green skinned, in formal teaching clothes, with ray gun and a 70s mustache on his lip, with DANNY AND SHIM on either sides of him, walks into the classroom. He points the ray gun at the NARRATOR. He talks in a classic alien accent.
-Mr. Schwas-
Puny, insignificant earthling, you have fallen into my trap, Coach Z. Highlander!
-Narrator-
Of course I have, buddy. And by the way, I am not the coach, and even if I was, what of it. (Whiney and mocking) You going to zap me with the little pop gun. You going to have your nasty pale friends eat me? What are you going to do, huh?
-Mr. Schwas-
Your mind games will not work, Highlander! You'll be taken to the lounge for probing.
-Narrator-
(Mock screams) oh, anything but that! You make me laugh!
-Mr. Schwas-
Get him!
ZOMBIES DANNY AND SHIM grab him. The NARRATOR tries to break free, but he is a goner.
-Narrator-
Hey! Wait! (Dragged offstage) Without me, the play can't go on!
MR. SCHWAS laughs evilly. While back is turned, the remaining, unzombiefied kids walked in.
-Mr. Schwas-
Don't worry, it will go as planned.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
What will go as planned?
Mr. Schwas, startled, jumps.
-Mr. Schwas-
Uh… my date with… the mayor. Yes! The mayor! She and I are going on a date.
-Huck Hammerstein-
The mayor's a dude.
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-Mr. Schwas-
Hey! Don't be hatin' on the mayor's hot human epidermis. Everybody be seated.
Everyone is seated.
-Mr. Schwas-
You are here to learn about advanced math, correct? Well your feeble, homo sapien skulls will now be filled with all knowledge of your specie's arithmetic.
All the kids are confused.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Standing)Hey! I am not a homo!
Everyone gives STEVIE a weird look, and he sits down, embarrassed.
-Mr. Schwas-
Well, than. I will begin to show you the proper way to divide fractions. You will take notes. Extra credit if you are in possession of any goxivant.
MR. SCHWAS begins to write a whole lot of nonsense. Meanwhile, back on Earth, the kids in the class are still trying to understand what the extra credit item really was. Alas, the simple minds of children. They eventually lose interest. SUE-Z goes back to adjusting her makeup, DANDY and JIMMY are sleeping, and the UNNAMED GOTH GIRL is reading.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Taps on Huck's shoulder, takes out his wad of cash Dr. Dingle gave him, whispers) Hey, Huck. Check out what the Dr. gave me.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Near screaming whisper) how in the hell did you get this?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Dude, I sold a meteorite to Dingle. He just gave me a big pile of money, just for handing him a big, green rock.
SUE-Z looks around to where STEVIE and HUCK are sitting. She mouths 'oh my god' before sneaking over to STEVIE. She stands in awe of the money.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Playing with Stevie's hair, her chest in his face) Hey, Stevie, where'd you get all that cash?
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Annoyed) He sold a green rock to Dr. Dingle and he gave him a humongous pile of moolah for it.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(talking quickly) Oh my God! You what would be awesome? If you could pay for the homecoming dance! It'd be so groovy. And chicks would practically throw themselves at you. They'd all want a piece of you. What do you say?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(He nods, words muffled by Sue-Z's breasts) But Sue-Z?
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Still looking at the money) Yeah?
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-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Still muffled) as dreadfully amazing as they are, could you get your boobs out my face?
SUE-Z moves around. All SUE-Z AND STEVIE stare at the cash, while HUCK stares at STEVIE angrily. MR. SCHWAS turns around. When he talks, everybody suddenly pays attention.
-Mr. Schwas-
…And that is the meaning of life. Everyone please turn in your notes.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
No one took notes.
MR. SCHWAS looks angry, but looks up. DR. DINGLE is at the back of the class, holding and pointing to the meteorite.
-Mr. Schwas-
(Nervous) Uh, this is not of importance. It is the first day of school. Class Dismissed. Go home meat puppets.
Everybody exits, walking past DR. DINGLE as he hides the meteorite behind his back. When everyone leaves, MR. SCHWAS AND DR. DINGLE travel to the apron as the curtains close. Evil music plays.
-Mr. Schwas-
I told you never to interrupt my teachings, allied human, Dingle.
-Dr. Dingle-
I know. Look. (Holds up the meteorite) Buscemmeburger sold it to me. Might be that space juice you were after.
-Mr. Schwas-
(Takes meteorite, in awe of it) Amazing. There must be pounds of goxivant in this. We will most definitely succeed in our plan to take over this world. At approximately the day after Homecoming, when use the goxivant in the meteorite to turn everyone in the country into zombies, they will kill and eat all the rest of them.
-Dr. Dingle-
Except me, of course. Right?
-Mr. Schwas-
(Doesn't hear him, just keeps talking) Then, we kill all the zombies. And I turn this disgusting, primitive planet into prime real estate land. I will be a patriarch and all of the pretty alien babes will want a piece of me.
-Dr. Dingle-
So you get the glory and the chicks, and I get all the money, right? (Schwas ignores him again) And the best part, there's nothing Highlander, those dumb kids, or that pesky narrator can do about it. (Evil music stops) I think we should do our evil laughs.
-Mr. Schwas-
Yes, I've been practicing.
Both of them clear their throats; breathe in deeply, the evil music continues, and they laugh evilly. Then they say…
-Dr. Dingle and Mr. Schwas-
End of Scene Two.
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End Of Scene Two.
Scene Three: School Store Day
Curtains open to school store, complete with aisles, racks, and checkout counters. On the checkout counters there are huge signs that say "Jimmy Shag's School Store". On the left side there is a divider with a door cut into it that serves as entrance and exit to the store. The audience should be able to see on both sides. On the outside of the store there is a girl leaning against the outside wall of the store. She is smoking a cigarette (for the sake of the law, have this part be played by an 18 year old), in a trench coat, with a beret. STEVIE BUSCEMMEBURGER walks up onstage and goes into the store. Meanwhile, she is gang tackled by 3 or 4 ZOMBIES. After several seconds of biting and tearing, the ZOMBIES get off of her and drag her lifeless body offstage. STEVIE looks at the signs on the counters.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Confused) Weird, I thought his name was Melvin. I can't believe that bitch talked me into spending my hard-earned money on The Homecoming Dance. That's probably what Huck meant by the Sacred Power of the Shirt Puppets. He probably thinks I'm stealing her from him, but he's going to forget that when I give him his present.
He walks through the store, checking out the items in stock. HUCK storms into the store, zeroing in on Stevie.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Angry, takes Stevie by the shirt, thrusts him into an aisle) you little prick! How dare you steal my girlfriend!
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Calm) Okay, Huck. Put down the fists and explain the problem like a sophisticated-
HUCK punches him in the face, and knocks him to the floor.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(In pain) Ow, what did I do?
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Still angry) all my girlfriend has talked about the last couple of days is you. Explain that!
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Gets up) I told you, man. She's a ho. Ever since I got that money; she's been paying more attention to me.
-Huck Hammerstein-
Big whoop, you're paying for the homecoming dance. (Sits on the ground, sad) Is that really important? I could have done that if I had found that rock first.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Changing the subject) Hey, I know what will cheer you up. Remember how our school couldn't have a football team because we couldn't afford to have a mascot or any good uniforms? Well guess what? I paid for them. And not only that, they actually let me pick the mascot for the football team. I knew you were going to be mad at me for "stealing" your girlfriend, so-
STEVIE takes a football jersey off the rack. It is green and grey. There is a big 44 on the front and back, and the front proudly says HAMMERSTEINS.
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-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
…This years Crow Creek High football team will be called the Hammersteins.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Amazed, takes jersey) Wow, that's the most awesome thing anyone's ever done for me!
They hug.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Takes a second look at the jersey, looks intrigued) One thing though. Why is the symbol of our team a hammer with the Star of David on the side?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Does that really matter at this point?
They hug again and walk toward the exit.
-Huck Hammerstein-
By the way. Remember Sammy?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Yeah, I saw her outside the store.
-Huck Hammerstein-
Well I saw her outside going off somewhere with a bunch of strong, pale guys.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Wow. I never knew she was that kinky.
They leave the store and walk offstage. JIMMY SHAG, from the other side of the store runs after them.
-Jimmy Shag-
Hey! You guys have to pay for that!
He trips over a rack and lands on his face. He gets up, disappointed, and walks to the checkout counter, and begins to clean it. UNNAMED GOTH GIRL walks into the store. She looks through the racks and aisles until she comes to a rack that says, "prom dresses". She laughs and says…
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
Hey, shaggy, come over here.
-Jimmy Shag-
(Runs over to her) Hello. My name is Jimmy Shag, how can I help you?
She pulls out a hot, sparkling, black dress.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
Could you try this stupid thing on for me?
-Jimmy Shag-
(Looks confused for a moment, but gives in when she puts up a fist. He puts on the dress, saying…) I might as well.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Looking at the dress) that's real perfect, buddy. Spin around.
JIMMY SHAG, humiliated, spins around.
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-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Laughing) amazing. Wait. It's missing something.
She pulls out a red rose and a red pocketbook from the rack. She hands them to JIMMY.
-Jimmy Shag-
(Pissed off) what am I to do with these?
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Pissed off back, holds up fist again) Pose before I put you in one, that's what.
JIMMY SHAG does a montage of mortifying poses with the outfit, while the GOTH GIRL laughs.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
Thanks, shaggy. Take it off; I need it for the homecoming dance.
-Jimmy Shag-
(Taking it off) You're going to the homecoming dance? (Giving the outfit to the Goth Girl) you just don't seem like one of those people that go to dances.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Walking to checkout) I know, I go to there to play pranks. Why do you work at this joint?
-Jimmy Shag-
(Scanning items) I just like it here.
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Confused) how much? This place is a dump!
-Jimmy Shag-
(Stingy) I like it enough to do all my homework over the summer just so I can stay here longer. That will be $15.37.
She hands him a credit card. He takes it and stares at her.
-Jimmy Shag-
We only take cash.
The GOTH GIRL ends it by punching him, leaving with the outfit. JIMMY SHAG gets up, and continues to clean the counter. After it is clean, he looks back to admire his work before seeing an entire horde of ZOMBIES come into his store and start to wreck the place. JIMMY is stunned, but tries to stop one by trying to grab it by its shirt; it head butts him, knocking him out. After the store is destroyed, the ZOMBIES leave with a lot of prom dresses, tuxes, and corsages. After, DANDY DANDELION comes in and rushes to JIMMY'S aide.
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Standing over him) my, god! What happened to this place? What happened to you? Hello? Help! Help, this man here is hurt! Oh no, no one's coming. (Slaps her own face) get is together, Dandy, you took a class on how to bring someone back.
She begins to heartlessly punch him in the chest.
-Dandy Dandelion-
Didn't work.
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She begins to slap him in the face.
-Dandy Dandelion-
Oh, no. That's all I got. Hmm, I wonder?
She gets up, and tries doing an overdramatic voodoo dance accompanied by mindless chanting.
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Overacting sadness) No! Nothing's working!
She holds his head in her arms as she cries. She lays him back down. She lays a kiss on his lips, which instantly wakes JIMMY SHAG, as he holds her to his lips. Damn! Go, Shag, go! After, he pulls her away, saying…
-Jimmy Shag-
(Surprised) Well, hello baby!
-Dandy Dandelion and Jimmy Shag-
End of Scene Three. (Kiss again as curtains close)
End of Scene Three.
Scene Four: The Government Carpet-Bombs Crow Creek Stadium
Curtains open to an empty grandstand. Well kind of empty, in case you miss UNNAMED GOTH GIRL sleeping in the next to last row up.
-Microphone Guy-
Everyone take your seats, the game is about to begin.
We see "Cheerleaders" (SUE-Z, DANDY (duh), and… JIMMY SHAG? (Weirdo)) In the grey and green miniskirts (including JIMMY) go running through the audience led by the COACH, Z. HIGHLANDER, saying things like "Go Hammersteins" and "Yay, team", trying to pump up the crowd before taking their seats at the front of the grandstand while the coach goes off to coach his "team" behind the audience. Then, the ZOMBIES DANNY AND SHIM walk into the grandstands.
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Runs over to Danny, hugs him, he responds with a friendly moan) Have a good time with your boyfriend, Danny.
-Zombie Shim-
(Chiming in, talking in a human voice) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! It isn't like that! We're just friends!
THE ZOMBIES sit at the top of the grandstands. Dandy, weirded out, sits down. Then STEVIE walks up to SUE-Z.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Wow, Sue -Z. I can't believe that our team is undefeated.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Yeah, and if we win, we'll go to state. (Gets up to hug him) and it's all thanks to those lucky jerseys you bought us.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Nervously recoiling from hug) Thanks?
As STEVIE walks up the stairs of the grandstand, SUE-Z, whilefiling in her nails, chimes in-
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-Sue-Z Sombrero-
That's one sexy ass, by the way.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Weirded out) Huh?
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Nothing. (Changing subject) Hey look! There's Huck!
-Microphone Guy-
Ladies and gentlemen, your starting quarterback for your Crow Creek Hammersteins, Huck Hammerstein!
Huck, behind the audience, fully decked out in football gear, blows a kiss at the crowd. The entire crowd (except UNNAMED GOTH GIRL) cheers, as Huck walks to the field.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Wigging out, held in place by Dandy) Oh my god, he blew a kiss at me!
SUE-Z faints. JIMMY SHAG AND DANDY lift her up.
-Microphone Guy-
(People in the crowd react accordingly to whatever he says, root for your team, boo for the other) Okay, here's the kickoff from rival Roadrunner River High School. (Pause) Ouch! What a tackle by them. 1st down on the 29! (Pause) Nice five-yard gain for Crow Creek! 2nd down! (Pause) Interception! Ooh, stopped on the sideline with one man to beat! 1st down on the 38! (Pause) And it's a sack! Wait a sec. It seems that some of the C.C.H.S. people are starting a brawl with some of the R.R.H.S. players. Whoa, did that kid just bite the ref? Oh, it looks like the Sheriff is trying to resolve this. (Pause) And the Sheriff is down. This looks worse by the minute. Wow, roundhouse from running back Tyler Fonts! A punch by Crow Creek's own Jamie James! Oh my god! That ref's head went off! This is the best game I've ever commentated on! Oh! Cheap shot on Huck Hammerstein!
-Everyone In the Grandstands-
OH NO THEY DIDN'T!
That's it! This is a crowd emptier! Everyone onstage goes behind the audience and fights the air.
-Microphone Guy-
Now it seems Sue-Z Sombrero, cheerleader girlfriend of quarterback Huck Hammerstein, is slapping the man that kicked her B.F. in the nether-regions. (Electric guitar is heard) Wow. Jimmy Shag, Crow Creek's only male cheerleader, is summoning the power of rock to destroy the brain of the Roadrunner's linebacker. And the coach for the Hammersteins, Zeus Highlander, is biting the face of the R.R.H.S.'s puny kicker Wait? Are those helicopters? Why, yes, they are, and it seems that the game is over. So, it probably be a good idea to get out of this press box before that Apache shoots off my legs.
Everyone (HUCK, STEVIE, DANDY, SUE-Z, JIMMY, UNNAMED GOTH GIRL, COACH Z. HIGHLANDER, and ZOMBIE SHIM AND DANNY) runs for safety under the grandstands. After several bombing sound effects, it looks as is if the fight is over. Everyone walks around the grandstand and sits down all somber-like.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Angry) Thanks a lot you guys! Now we'll never get to state!
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That sets off of huge improvisational argument. That's right, kids. Improvisational. Pick a fight with each other. You've probably had to deal with at least one other actor's annoyances for too long. You guys have probably seen a presidential debate before; you've seen your parents argue, so you can figure it out. It took me too damn long to write all this crap up until now. Back to the story. This fight lasts for several seconds before Dandy Dandelion tries to stop it.
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Calmly) Hello? Hello? Can you people please stop fighting? Please?
Keep fighting.
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Walks to top of Grandstand before yelling…) WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE HELL UP!
Everybody should probably shut the hell up.
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Calm again) I've noticed we all are angry with the government trying to kill us. But we shouldn't be fighting now. We have 3.5 hours until the dance. (Do what you say) I say we should sit down and wait for the dance.
Everyone starts to do that… until COACH Z. HIGHLANDER attacks ZOMBIE SHIM. That sets off an actual fistfight. Improv that as well. You pick who you punch. Even DANDY should be fighting. Make it fun to watch, kids! As the fight goes on, the curtains close. And there is just enough time for the MICROPHONE GUY to say…
-Microphone Guy-
End of Scene Four. (Curtains close)
End of Scene Four.
Scene Five: President Obama visits Crow Creek/Intro: The Next Day
Curtains open to the oval office. In the back there is two men painting the walls black. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA walks in, shushing them out. He sits down at his desk, smiling.
-President Barack Obama-
Damn!It feels good to be a gangsta! I'm the first black president; the first president with a hot wife, and I got the whole secret service painting the White House black. I'll say it again, Damn! It feels good to be a-
A red phone rings on the corner of his desk. He answers it, looking shocked and says…
-President Obama-
What? Who? Zombies! (Ominous) Oh god… Bush was right. What In the name of Allah happened? Where? Ok I'm on my way.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN opens the door and peeks in.
-Vice President Joe Biden-
Whaaaaatcha doin', Barack?
-President Obama-
What do you want, Joe?
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-Joe Biden-
I may or may not have accidentally kind of on purpose told the press about my assrash.
-President Obama-
You, know. Sometimes I wonder how we won against that old guy and that pig with lipstick. Joe, I got to take care of some business outside of the capital, I want the entire house painted black by the time I get back. Until then, (sighs) your turn to run the country.
BIDEN freaks out.
-Joe Biden-
So cool! I'm gonna call my friends, and were gonna get strippers, and we're gonna drunk-dial Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. It's going to be freaking kickass, Barack!
-President Obama-
(Sighs) Great. (Putting on shades) I think it's time to leave in slow motion.
PRESIDENT OBAMA leaves in slow motion. Before leaving, he takes off his shades and says…
-President Obama-
Can you dig it, America?
The curtains close as STEVIE AND HUCK comes out onto the apron bruised and battered holding icepacks to their heads. Huck brings in the stop sign from the first scene and puts it in front of the curtain. They both moan in pain.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Yelling) WELL, IT'S THE DAY AFTER HOMECOMING!
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Also yelling) WHAT?
-Huck Hammerstein-
I SAID, "IT'S THE DAY AFTER HOMECOMING!"
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
WHAT?
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Moaning voice) Whatever, I don't even care anymore, dude. This hangover's killing me. Whose idea was it to spike the fucking punch?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Pauses, looks at Huck in disbelief) YOU!
-Huck Hammerstein-
Yeah, but it was fun, right?
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Annoyed) Yeah, for you, you were locked in a Sedan with Sue-Z most of the night blarin' Van Halen. (Pauses) And every time David Lee Roth screamed "Oh Yea" Sue-Z said "Put it back in, we aren't done yet, LITTLE BOY!" while I was out after the dance licking my wounds while watching Shag and Dandelion try to suck each other's tongues out. (Pauses) Jesus, they looked like anteaters licking termites out of sand-mounds! (Pauses) And I'm pretty sure that the Goth chick was out behind the gym doing drugs because she kept playing "Comfortably Numb" on her guitar. Every once in a while all I heard from there was some
Crow Creek High Page 22
gurgling sound and had to guess, "Hmm, is she doing (Yelling) Cocaine or Heroin!"
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Calm) I did think it was cool that after all that fighting at the game, everything just felt so mellow.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
That's what happens when people get all their anger out.
SUE-Z walks up the same way she did the first day, no walking, just advertising. She has no bruises or icepack; she's just sexy as always.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Happy) Hey, Stevie. (Sexual) Hey Huck.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Whining) Sorry, Sue-Z, I'm a little hung-over from last night.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
("Puh-leeze" attitude) Puh-leeze, I've been at honor roll breakfasts and got more hammered then you guys.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Not caring) Headache hurt's too bad to care, bitch. By the way, did you guys see Dingle or Mr. Schwas at the game?
-Sue-Z Sombrero and Huck Hammerstein-
No.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Did you see them at the dance?
-Huck Hammerstein-
I saw Mr. Schwas the day before. He said he had to prepare for something.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
Well whatever, I want to get to school before that Shag kid shows up.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Agreed.
HUCK AND STEVIE exits the stage apron. SUE-Z starts to exit but stops before the curtain to say…
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Flips her hair) End Of Scene Five.
She exits.
End Of Scene Five.
Scene Six: The Next Day (Continued) Or The Day The Shit Went Down
Curtains open to Dr. Dingle's room. All the kids (including THE ZOMBIES) are sitting down at their chairs, taking notes (for once). DR. DINGLE, in his usual "Scrubs" meets Maui getup, stands up from his desk and says…
-Dr. Dingle-
Okay, class dismissed.
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Everyone gets up from his or her seats and leaves, except JIMMY SHAG who starts to pack up his things. This goes on for several silent seconds before DR. DINGLE approaches him from behind.
-Dr. Dingle-
(Annoyed) Well, Mr. Straggler, if you're going to take up my time, then I'll take up yours. There's a package in the room next to the teacher's lounge that Mr. Schwas needs me to pick up, bring it to me.
JIMMY starts to resist but stutters.
-Dr. Dingle-
(Walks back to his desk and sits down to read the newspaper, talks in a bored voice) Just shut up and do it Mr. Shag.
JIMMY gets up, throws his arms to his side angrily, and walks onto the apron as the curtains close behind him. He sits down on the edge of the stage and starts to talk to himself.
-Jimmy Shag-
One of these days, all these a-holes that make fun of me are going to have their lives in my hand, and maybe, just maybe, I'll consider saving them.
He gets up and begins to walk in place for a couple seconds before the curtains open to an empty stage save for a single cardboard box with a note next to it. He walks around the box, puzzled. He then picks it up and shakes it before putting it down and picking up the note. He reads it out loud and gets more scared by each sentence.
-Jimmy Shag-
"Dingle, I have activated the machine. It will take about 30 minutes for the goxivant to travel through the air conditioning system. This is the substance that will turn all the people in Crow Creek into mindless zombie hordes. Wait… didn't I tell you that already? Why am I explaining it so obviously that even a dumb character in a play could figure it out so easily? Whatever. In closed is a pack of syringes of the antidote for the goxivant and your cut of the profit. If you have anyone you want to keep safe, inject it into him or her. You better load up that pistol in your desk, because even antidote can't save you from the zombie's ravenous mouths. Well, g2g bro, I'm going to hold into my classroom. With poolak, Mr. Schwas!"
He throws himself to his knees.
-Jimmy Shag-
Schwas! I should have known! That basterd is going to kill all my friends, and even worse, me, and even worse worse, Dandy, the love of my life.
He throws himself on the ground, and cries. Then, suddenly, a voice is heard offstage. Could it be?
-Narrator-
Screw the kids! Help me out of here, you whiney bitch!
-Jimmy Shag-
(Still crying) now I'm hearing voices!
-Narrator-
STOP YOUR FUCKING CRYING AND GET ME OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE MORON!
-Jimmy Shag-
(Gets up) Mr. Narrator, is that you.
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-Narrator-
(Sarcastic) No, it's Shirley motherfucking Temple, of course it's me!
-Jimmy Shag-
(Ecstatic) IT IS YOU!
JIMMY SHAG runs offstage. There is nothing for several seconds, and then Jimmy rolls out THE NARRATOR, who is facedown, strapped to a gurney, in a hospital gown. Get your cameras out, people; this is a sight to remember.
-Jimmy Shag-
(To the audience) Ladies and Gentlemen… the Narrator!
Beat for audience.
-Narrator-
(Annoyed) I think they know me, now get me off this!
-Jimmy Shag-
(He begins to unstrap him from the gurney) What happened?
-Narrator-
(Gets up from the gurney) That alien basterd Mr. Schwas probed me. God, kid. I've been through things that would make a Vietnamese prostitute put on a chastity belt.
-Jimmy Shag-
(Creeped out) How long was it?
THE NARRATOR puts his arms as far as they could go to demonstrate, almost weeping as he does it.
-Jimmy Shag-
(Almost weeping as well) That's torture.
-Narrator-
(Full on balling) I know…
-Jimmy Shag-
(Quickened) Listen, I know not in the best shape right now, but-
-Narrator-
(Angry) Not in the best shape? I'm freakin' bow-legged now!
-Jimmy Shag-
(Picks up the box and gives it to him) I know, I just need you to go to my friends and give them this vaccine; it will protect them from the zombie gas.
-Narrator-
(Handing him a syringe) You got it kid.
They shake each other's hands. THE NARRATOR puts the box on the gurney and hobbles to the podium with it. JIMMY SHAG sticks the syringe in his arm, acting badass. He immediately pulls it out, screaming in pain as he walks offstage. The curtains close.
-Narrator-
(Speaking in past tense at the podium) I then ran through the long uncleaned halls of the Crow Creek High school campus to the gym where the children were, bravely slicing off the heads of any zombie scum that got in my way. I then came to the gym, and went inside. I'm really, really cool.
Crow Creek High Page 25
The curtains close to reveal the gym class that holds the remaining unzombiefied kids (except JIMMY SHAG) with THE COACH, Z. HIGHLANDER. THE NARRATOR walks up to THE COACH with his gurney, panting as if he had actually been running.
-Narrator-
(Scared and panting) Listen to me, coach; you got to get all the kids out of here! Now!
-Coach Z. Highlander-
(Angry) How dare you interrupt me during my class! What reason do you have for this, narrator!
-Narrator-
I don't think you understand the situation, Zeus. If you don't hurry up right now, we will all be eaten by zombies!
The class laughs at him.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Mocking tone) Ooh yeah, zombies! (Walks up to the narrator) What zombies! I haven't seen any zombies!
THE NARRATOR pimp-slaps him.
-Narrator-
(Grabbing him by the shoulders) Open your eyes! (Goes back to the coach) Coach, you need to get all these children to take this vaccine or they're all going to die!
As he speaks those final words, the stage lights dim. Everyone onstage is silent. Slowly at first, moaning is heard. It continues to rise, and, when the moaning gets close enough, everyone except for the coach dives for the syringes on the gurney, injecting themselves multiple times in all different places, in the thigh, in the eye, everywhere. Then the moaning ceases, and worse the stage lights are out completely. We can hear the girls onstage screaming. When they come back on, the characters onstage point behind the audience to twenty or more twisted, fleshy, bloodied, tattered, freaky, F'ed up ZOMBIES, including DANNY AND SHIM, all stumbling through the audience toward the stage. Upon seeing this, HUCK, STEVIE, SUE-Z, DANDY, THE UNNAMED GOTH GIRL, AND THE NARRATOR immediately flee. Only THE COACH is left onstage. All THE ZOMBIES run onstage after him, as he just stands there, stupefied. When they get almost close enough to grab him, he yells…
-Coach Z. Highlander-
Stop! (The zombies all stop, just watching) Okay, um… I know you all want to dine on my flesh but, um… hear me out.
THE COACH is flustered. Amazing, right?
-Coach Z. Highlander-
(Flustered) I can't think of anything. WAIT! Of, course! Um… (does a little dance) "It's a thriller, in the night. Bu-dum dadadadum!"
THE COACH is rather impressed with himself; too bad real zombies have never heard of Michael Jackson. THE ZOMBIES all tackle him as he screams in pain and the curtains close. ZOMBIES DANNY AND SHIM comes out onto the apron to say…
-Zombie Danny Dandelion and Zombie Shim Bridgers-
End Of Scene Six.
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They walk offstage, blood on their lips. End Of Scene Six.
Scene Seven: The Final Scene
The curtains open to an empty room, HUCK, SUE-Z,THE UNNAMED GOTH GIRL,STEVIE, AND THE NARRATOR are all huddled around the empty space. All of them are subsequently freaking out.
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Crying) Oh, god! My whole family is probably dead!
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Balling) My brother was dead the whole time and we can't find Jimmy!
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Weeping) I never got to be like Superman!
-Narrator-
(Tearing up) If I had known this was going to be the last play I would ever narrate, I would have taken a vacation!
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Boohooing) If I had known I was going to die today, I would have had sex with Sue-Z more than once!
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Not crying at all) I knew this would happen.
-Narrator, Huck, Stevie, Sue-Z, Dandy-
SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH!
The evil DR. DINGLE, walks in, a wicked smile on his face, pistol in hand.
-Dr. Dingle-
(Evilly) Well, Isn't this nice?
-Narrator-
(gets up, begins to charge him) You, son of a-
-Dr. Dingle-
(Points the pistol at him, he stops) Now, now. Don't try and cause a fuss. Mr. Schwas wants me to take you to our escape ship so you can be probed. Don't be too worried about it, the narrator here can tell you about it.
All the children are trembling.
-Narrator-
(Disgusted) You sick basterd! I'll never let you shove that six-foot hunk of metal in these children's Asses!
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(Considering Probing) Actually, narrator, we should probably do what he says; we don't want to get killed.
-Narrator-
(Still disgusted) No, I won't ever let them shove that gigantic metal rod deep in your anal cavity!
-Sue-Z Sombrero-
(In the gala of opportunity) We should definitely do what he says.
Crow Creek High Page 27
-Dandy Dandelion-
(Scared) Why would you do this to us?
-Dr. Dingle-
(Matter-of-factly) That's a pretty easy question to answer, actually-
A shot rings out. DR. DINGLE falls to the floor, dead. From behind him steps, JIMMY SHAG! He emerges from the wings, and stands on top of his fallen enemy. THE KIDS AND THE NARRATOR embrace him as the audience cheers!
-Jimmy Shag-
(Serious) I know, you all are very happy, but I have some bad news. Mr. Schwas has gotten away. Not only that, but we are surrounded from all sides by a thousand or more zombies that all want to rip our faces off. And not only that that, our only hope is an old Glock with 2 shots left. And not only that that that, but-
-Narrator-
(Happy) Just forget it, kid. I have it all covered…
THE NARRATOR walks to his podium.
-Narrator-
(Calm) Watch this… (Narrates) And then, everything that was wrong in Crow Creek was suddenly fixed… (There is a warp sound, and then the narrator points offstage) Well, go ahead, look out the windows.
THE KIDS do as they are told.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Wow, the air doesn't smell like shit!
-Dandy Dandelion-
Look, there are actually children playing outside!
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
I actually feel kind of happy.
SUE-Z AND HUCK kiss. JIMMY AND DANDY kiss. STEVIE is alone.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Wow, how ironic. The whole town turns awesome, and I still don't get a girl.
UNNAMED GOTH GIRL hears this guilt trip, sighs, and lays a long, wet kiss on STEVIE'S lips. They break from the kiss for a second.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
(Inquisitive) By the way, what's your name?
-Unnamed Goth Girl-
(Sighs) I'm Sonya.
-Stevie Buscemmeburger-
Hi, Sonya.
They kiss again.
-Huck Hammerstein-
(Breaks his kiss and walks over to the Narrator) How did you-?
THE NARRATOR smiles and laughs.
Crow Creek High Page 28
-Narrator-
I'll tell you the same thing I told the Narrating Association of America. When it comes to narrating, I'm one of the best. Now, leave me to my work, kid. (Curtains close, and all the lights go out) End Of Scene Seven. The End.
End Of Scene Seven. The End.
Not!
Scene Eight: Epilogue (The Real Last Scene)
We hear the gigantic boom of an explosion. The lights are still out. After it settles, over the microphone, we hear an answering machine and then JOE BIDEN'S voice.
-Joe Biden-
"Hey, Barack. Uh, it's Joe. Joe Biden. Listen, uh, I got extremely hammered last night, and, uh, I know you're probably mad at that already, but, ooh, I messed up even more than that. Ooh doggies. I accidentally let Dick Cheney into the oval office, and, uh, he took that phone call that you sent about needing air support for the zombie uprising in, uh, in Crow Creek. Ol' Dick sent the big dogs after you, buddy. But I'll get to the point, uh, Mr. President. You probably won't get this message in time but, uh, you have about fifty seconds to take cover from three nuclear warheads, so, uh, bye-bye."
The lights come on in time to see the MAIN CHARACTERS strewn around the audience, victims of the nuclear explosion. Meanwhile, onstage, the curtains open to BARACK OBAMA, dressed like Rambo, red bandana and all, stumbles on from the wings. He is panting hard and angrily. He gets to the halfway point onstage before he drops to his knees, out of breath.
-President Obama-
(He looks at the audience, pauses, and begins to narrate) Yes, the narrator said everything would be fine here in Crow Creek. He didn't count on Dick Cheney…
From the other side, GEORGE W. BUSH, in a hunting outfit, stumbles onstage in the same fashion as BARACK. He starts to talk to him.
-George W. Bush-
(Happy) Well, hello Mr. President. I'm George W. Bush. (Looks around) I guess we're going to have to stick together if we want to get through this alive.
In utter disbelief and disgust, BARACK OBAMA just yells…
-Barack Obama-
! End Of Scene Eight! This is the real end!
He falls to the stage, dead. End Of Scene Eight And The End Of Crow Creek High
Goodnight, everybody.
The End