Resentment: One word, ten letters and a hard definition to explain, well at least for me. Oh, I forgot to introduce myself, mi name is Gohan and I want to explain the real meaning that word has for me.
If you ask me the real meaning of that word I would say what the dictionary says and that is: the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. But, if I have to give my own definition it would be a little hard for me, but I would say that it's that feeling that someone feels when another person hurts you, maybe without even knowing it, it's that feeling that sometimes can be confused with hate but that is not really that, it's something that sometimes you hide and others times you show. It's a feeling that's hard to forget, a feeling that won't vanish easily, it's sometimes that follows you and even if you want to forget it you just can't, and sadly that is what I feel for my father.
I will say it once again; it's not hate, not even something similar, I love my father and I admire him very much for all the things he has done, he had literally saved the world a lot of times, I have great respect for him and of course I care about him but that feeling of resentment won't leave me alone and sometimes it appears and I can't control it, it's there and I can't make it disappear.
It all began when I was just a kid, I was only four years old, mi father sacrificed himself to protect me and the earth, at that moment we tried to resurrect him but he decided he wanted to spend one year training in the other world. During that time, I spent one year far away from my mother and my grandpa, training with Piccolo, who I admire and respect as much as my father. However, I remember wondering why my father wasn't with me. Why didn't he come to save me? At that moment I didn't know Piccolo, he was the one who told me that my father was dead and was training in the other world, but I was too young to really comprehend that, I just wanted to see my family, I wanted my father back.
I spent half that years alone, in the middle of nowhere and then the rest of the years training with Piccolo, and that was when I discovered the good side of him. I remember that I matured a lot in that year; after all I was only five years old and practically living on my own.
That was the first time my father decided to leave to train and I understand that now, after all he was doing that to save the planet but sometimes my young mind couldn't comprehend that.
Then, after a year, my dad was once again alive and saving the day; I remember that in that fight a lot of my dad's friends died, including Piccolo. The dragon balls were gone and we had to go to another planet to look for the dragon balls and resurrected them.
It was my idea to go to help Bulma and Krillin, I remember that my mom was not happy with my decision but that was the least I could do, Piccolo died to protect me, he sacrificed himself for me.
When we arrived on that unknown planet, we realized that there were other life forms that were there with the same objective as us but they were stronger than us, so my dad had to come and help us once again, after he was recovered from the battle.
In that battle my father stayed alone with the enemy, the fearsome Frieza, in that planet that was about to explode because of Frieza. Fortunately my dad defeated Frieza and could scape before the planet exploded.
And that is when the second time my father kind of abandoned me started. He came back after almost two years and his excused was that he was training and leaning a new technic in a faraway planet, that technic was transportation and I wonder, why didn't he come back earlier? It was easy for him, why didn't' he just teleport to where we were? Didn't he miss us all that time? Because I really missed him a lot, I was only 7 years old and I just wanted my father by my side.
After that, three years passed, in which, me and my father trained, with Piccolo as well. I think those were the best years of my childhood, I have my father with me for three whole years.
And then, we spent a whole year in the hyperbolic time chamber, and that's a year I will never forget, it was also one of the best years, a whole years with my father who I admired so much for his courage and strength, well I still admire him.
Back then, it was my turn to be the hero, I was even stronger than my father. I was the one who saved the planet, I defeated Cell, but in the battle my father died and it was my fault for not killing Cell when I should have done it. My father had to sacrifice himself once again to save us, but in some point it was in vain because after a few minutes Cell was once again in earth. And that is something I will never forgive myself, it was my fault and only mine and I know that. I always wonder what would've happened if I defeated Cell when I had the chance, that question haunted me for many years. I can't change the past now but I wish I could because that was the third time my father left, he didn't want to be resurrected, he said that the enemies always were there because of him, that the earth will be in peace if he was not there, but I didn't care about that, I was 12 years old and I wanted my dad to be with me while I grew up, I wanted him with me during my adolescence. In that moment there was no enemy to train for, at that moment the earth was in peace, at that moment I just wanted my father by my side but I didn't' have him. Did he just think about himself and didn't realize that his son who was only 12 years old needed him? I try to understand it but I can't, I can't accept it.
That was when the resentment started to grow, well actually that was the first time I felt it, especially when my brother Goten was born, why didn't he ask to be resurrected when he realized he was going to be a father once again? Didn't he care about his son? Didn't he want to see him? Didn't he care about letting his wife raising two children alone? And once again I wonder if he only thought about himself.
I always think how unfair life has been with Goten, well in better words, how unfair our dad has been with him. At least I had our father in my life till I was four years old, but gotten couldn't, he met him when he was already six, almost seven years old. And my father only resurrected because he had the need to save the planet once again not because he missed us or wanted to be with us.
I remember that day I saw him again after seven years, I didn't know if I was happy or angry, that feeling of resentment was back and with more force than ever, but I had to suppressed it, I didn't want it to be shown and beside at the same time I was happy as well, I was seeing my father once again after all those years, I had missed him a lot and Goten was finally meeting his father, but nothing was the same. He abandoned me and Goten for 7 years; I can't forgive him for that. I will repeat it, I don't hate him, it's just that remembering all those things makes me angry and I can't help it.
Even Vegeta spent more time with his children than our father, who would've thought that 20 years ago? I think nobody, but it is the truth.
I never told anyone about this, this feeling is something that I want to keep to myself. I don't want my father or anyone to know what I really think.
And the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that our father has left again, he left us for a boy who he didn't know leaving Goten, who is now a teenager, and a granddaughter, abandoning them as he did with me, it's true that sometimes he comes back to see us, but it's not the same.
I can't really understand what goes on in his mind every time he does that, but I can't comprehend it even if try.
I know that my father really cares about us, I know that, because I feel it, but still, I can't understand a lot of the decision he has made in his life, those are things I will never do, I can't even think about leaving my daughter, not even for one day, I will never do that. But my father is like that and that is how he has been all his life and that is how I grew up to love him and admire him but the resentment is still following me and will be there for the rest of my life.