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Did you ever wonder how it would be like to live and die everyday ? To be alive yet feel dead .. To live your life , condemned to a fate worse than death .. Did you ?
If so , I might be the best one to tell you how it feels like , in every painful detail .
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A struggle .. A struggle to survive , waiting for happiness to pay him a visit .. But .. What if he couldn't make it when happiness finally knocks on the door ? What if he couldn't answer in time ? Would happiness insist ? Knock some more ? Wait for him ? Or would it leave and mock him ?
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A handsome young man with chocolate brown hair , wearing a suit and standing in the hallway of a respectable company in Tokyo was on his way to attend a meeting when a vibration in his pocket alerted him to an incoming call .
He kept staring at the screen of his phone , feeling an all too familiar sliver of guilt resurface because he knew he couldn't just leave his work , even though his lover needed him . And answering just to say he couldn't make it home early would probably sadden the bedridden younger more than not answering at all , right ?
Nodding to himself , Kaname heaved a deep sigh then proceeded walking towards his destination .
Meanwhile , a certain silverette was lying on bed , holding the cell phone next to his ear , waiting for that velvet voice of his lover to answer , only to sigh when he received no response . A bitter smile carved itself on his thin face . It was bad enough he had to call for help and not getting an answer only made it ten times worse .
He started wondering , briefly . how was it that after being connected on a purely intimate level , becoming one , bonding and all , things could take such a dark turn ?!
He'd also wondered if Kaname ever felt the same shooting pain of torn flesh as of late .. He ought to , right ?
To get abruptly torn apart from each other , it felt like having his shirt stained in dried blood , clinging to skin , only to be brutally ripped apart from the injury , causing a pain too immense to tolerate .
Kaname was not soft with the younger , he rarely spoiled him or showed affection as of late .
That's why when he does , Zero cherishes it more than anything . It's not everyday that the elder spoils him after all .
That afternoon , as the silver haired male sat on bed , feeling sick and nauseous , he had no choice but call his lover who , apparently , had a meeting . A meeting that was of more importance than him .
A bitter feeling took over , spreading through the younger's veins but he curbed it and tried to be patient .
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After an hour or so , Kaname called back . Zero needed him and he did admit it but the elder said he couldn't leave and that .. that broke the younger's heart , beyond words .
Getting emotional that Kaname chose work as his first priority , the bedridden silverette ended the call abruptly and decided to drift to sleep , or at least attempted to .
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Later on , Zero awoke by the sound of the doorbell ringing . but it couldn't have been Kaname , because the said would not knock . He has keys . And so the silver haired male ignored the door . He knew - by the time he gets there , whoever was knocking would have left after waiting for so long - .
He couldn't believe he was desperate enough to wish it was Kaname even with the knowledge that it would never be him .
Tired lilac eyes landed on the clock and Zero quickly realized it was time for his medicine . he couldn't remember if he took the one after breakfast though .
Depending more on luck than memory , he shrugged and reached for the sandwich on the bedside table . Kaname had prepared it . Smiling at that , Zero uncovered the plate and began eating , slowly .
Maybe it was silly , to smile at such thing . But for him it wasn't . It meant deep inside , his Kaname hadn't lost his caring side , right ?
Or was he deluding himself ?
Almost instantly , the sudden warmth he felt at the thought of the elder still caring for him vanished and began turning into a merciless numbing cold instead.
He left the half-eaten sandwich on the bedside table and curled in bed , hot tears running down his cheeks freely , soaking the pillows in the process .
No one was there to pity him or witness his vulnerable state . And that was more than enough to comfort him . He'd had enough pity from Kaname and hated every moment of it .
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At night , when Kaname got back , he noticed how sick the younger looked and planned to take the said to hospital but the silverette silently refused , just by a tilt of his head to the other side . he couldn't really move anything else . It felt so tiring . Everything . Make it stop .
Kaname hadn't came to him when he was at his worst .
Why ?
Oh ! Right .. Because of work .
As the elder lifted him up like a feather , Zero squirmed and even though he had no power , his pent up emotions gave him just about enough strength to scratch whichever part he could reach of his lover who silently accepted it , blinking back his own conflicted emotions .
He knew after all . He knew everything about his lover . He knew why Zero was .. Broken , not just because Kaname stayed at work . But also because of his condition .. Zero hated the fact he needed help . It was humiliating and when the one who should be first to help you isn't there and gives priority to something else , it's like hell on top of it .
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The whole ride , Zero kept his eyes glued to the road and Kaname couldn't blame him .
He'd really gone too far neglecting his lover when he need him most . What kind of heartless fool was he ?
Grip tightening on the steering wheel , the brunette felt his heart slowly breaking into million pieces and blood boil to no limit . He was so angry at himself for being such an asshole with Zero but it's not like he meant it . Everything in his life was messed up and stressing he didn't know what to do anymore . His hot tempered nature did not exactly help either .
The younger , on the other hand , could only bite his lips trying to make them stop quivering . his pride was the only thing stopping him from breaking down and shedding tears of anguish , shame and despair .
As soon as they arrived there , Kaname helped Zero - who wordlessly accepted - out of the car . From then onwards , everything felt like a blur to both of them .
It was obvious that the younger's condition was deteriorating .
It was not that critical but not stable either .. If he was taken good care of , he would be fine . but on the long term , no one knew .
Kaname spent the whole time outside the hospital room , hands steepled and mind racing .
for the first time in so long , he started thinking back .. Everything .
He wasn't originally aggressive or cold with Zero . On the contrary , he recalls a time they were one of the happiest couples alive .
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*Kaname and Zero were neighbors .
One day , the elder got out of his apartment and noticed Zero leaving with his belongings and a " For rent " label hanging on the door of the apartment .
They have never really talked much before but Kaname knew the silver haired young man was a good person . So he couldn't help but feel rather shocked . It was also the first time he noticed Zero's frail built up close , how he had troubles walking and carrying his bag even though it looked small . The brunette was planning to go for a walk with his dog , Meonji . But after such situation , he found himself asking the younger " Hey ? What's going on ? You leaving ? "
Zero instantly got uneasy . which didn't go unnoticed by Kaname , who suddenly recalled how the landlord has been arguing with the younger over late payment a few days ago . And so , after a lot of insisting from the elder , they both ended up in Kaname's apartment .
At first , they were extremely awkward . Kaname may have insisted earlier but really , he didn't know much about the younger .
To break the ice , hev decided to show more hospitality and offered Zero something to drink , for the second time .
Eventually , they got to know each other more . Maybe a little too much .
It was one of those moments where one cannot help but come out of the closet . Zero let Kaname in on everything about him . The younger turned out to have experienced a serious car crash that affected his legs . He had been into surgery to heal his hips and legs in general . It has been hell for him since they had to insert a rod in his body to make sure the bones healed . And because of that , he had been working from home , designing web sites or anything that didn't involve moving about .
His parents were still alive but he refused to be a burden .
Unfortunately as time went by , his condition got from bad to worse . It started taking him about 15 minutes every morning to get off bed . he started losing requests because he couldn't make it in the due time for work since his condition kept hitting rock bottom . It was not just because of his legs . He had other health issues .
So , no job .. Which meant late payments and going to live with his parents was no option , for 1) he couldn't have them know he had no job and was practically kicked out . 2) he didn't want to be a burden .
And he really hadn't anyone worth calling a friend . Even if he had , he would never intrude .
The whole story wasn't told in one go though , Kaname knew about it bit by bit , day after day .
How ?
Well , he tried his best to persuade Zero to stay with him .
At first , the younger was dead against it but then Kaname just had to use the puppy eyes which the silverette could not resist . He was still against imposing himself but decided to argue with the elder , just to humor him , giving excuses like how he would have agreed if he could help with the living expenses which he couldn't , or how he would have helped with the housework which he also couldn't because of his rapidly worsening condition .
" the only thing I can give you is companionship , Kaname . " He bitterly admitted back then.
Zero never understood how , but Kaname eventually managed to convince him to stay . He made it seem like he was the one that needed the younger and deep inside , Zero couldn't deny his heart what it wanted . Yes , his heart .
In the end , they fell in love .
However , nothing lasts forever .
Kaname started to realize , when he took Zero out for a date , he had to be extremely careful with his choice . Cold weather didn't do the younger good . Neither did hot one . Neither crowded areas as Zero had breathing issues .
Whatever Kaname tried to do , it just ended up a total failure . *
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And back we are , to the moment Kaname was waiting outside the hospital room .
Why he has changed and started neglecting Zero ?
At first , he was like 'I want to make Zero the happiest when he can still enjoy it , knowing his condition' .
But then and as he realized , time was going to pass by any ways .. if Zero was going to leave .. one day .. He could not afford to get any more attached ..
He started like most people , wanting to make Zero happy before the time comes . But then ..
Then what ?
Suppose he did so , and spoiled Zero everyday ..
After the time comes ?
What was he gonna do ?
After Zero's gone .. ?
He was confused and preferred to distance himself . Kaname could already envision himself mourning over the younger so he preferred to set all those thoughts aside including the original cause , namely , Zero .
But all that facade got thrown out of the window as he noticed the other's pained expression . He got hurt was a terrible understatement . Kaname felt like he got stabbed right in the gut as he witnessed Zero on the bed , his heart probably shedding tears his eyes never did ..
He knew Zero had no one expect for him and he knew how much the younger hated to be helped in that sense .
That's why when he came late that night and Zero refused , just titling his head to the other side , Kaname knew the younger was hurt and his pride prevented him from accepting help .
Nonetheless , he carried the younger who resisted , protested even , trying to get the other to put him down .
Zero knew , just as Kaname did , that squirming about wouldn't help yet he still did so , trying to free himself from the elder's grasp . But it didn't take long for that squirming to turn into soft sobs muffled against Kaname's chest and fingers gripping on his shirt tightly .
Whenever Zero's health worsened , Kaname would be harsh half thinking that by doing so , he was making things easier and better .. his grief over his own disability to change any of it made him work late and distance himself from the younger in hopes of both , making it hurt less when the time comes and Zero catches his last breath supposedly and for the younger himself .
He didn't want to keep on giving mixed signals to the silverette because Kaname knew how moody and short tempered he could get He didn't want to treat the other soft , only to lash at him some other time . It would only hurt him .. Not to mention , he didn't want Zero to get his hopes up .
Kaname knew he could only handle so much until he'd had enough .
He knew there would inevitably come a time when he would need to vent it . Doing so at work was out of question . He wouldn't just lash out at his manager or even work-mates , not even a stranger in the street . God knows what would happen if that stranger retaliated , picking a fight with him . then he could go to jail for physical or even verbal abuse .. Which left only one person . The only one who would helplessly and gladly take it all without retaliating was none other Zero himself . And Kaname truly despised himself for thinking like that . But he couldn't help it .
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After the last check up , the elder went back to his caring side again . Zero wouldn't lie . He truly appreciated every moment of it but .. for some reason , he wasn't happy . Not fully . Perhaps , he felt afraid .. that Kaname would suddenly turn cold again And that the younger wouldn't handle . He just wouldn't . He didn't want to experience that ever again , getting broken then patched up , only to get broken again .. He'd rather stay in shards .
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Dread overtook his entire being , shock pulsating through every fiber in his body . It has been a few minutes since Zero woke up in that state .
It's natural for guys to have wet dreams and wake up with an arousal . However , he was an exception .
Normal males would find it okay , some may feel a little bit ashamed but would get over it and clean the mess in less than 10 minutes . Just a quick trip to the bathroom would be all it takes . And Zero could do that , alas not without help . He would take forever to move his numb body out of bed and all the way to the bathroom .
To make it worse , the day happened to be when Kaname would help him take a shower . He didn't want the said to see him in such state , stained and dirtied in his own mess .. He didn't want to be any more of a burden .
At the notion of it all , a familiar sickening sensation coursed and twisted through his being , eating him alive and raw .
The bile agitation shot up and before he knew it , the breakfast laid sprawled on the blanket covering his lap .
It took him full 10 seconds to register it . However , it took him no time to feel his vision blurry , eyes stinging , breath hitching , gross after-taste filling his lungs as did an equally unpleasant odor his nose .
Bleary eyes stared at his now doubled up mess .
His heart could have stopped .
No.. No ... Not now ..
Moping around could wait ... He needed to fix whatever he could before Kaname came back home .
Looking around frantically , he tried locating any tissues , wipes or whatever , for starters . He did find a pack of perfectly white tissues but they rested atop the bedside table , on the other side and though it was just a few rolls away , it seemed like a whole continent away .. So far to his liking .. So far to his reach .
The pain that once haunted him ever since he woke up intensified tenfold . He was tempted to spend the rest of his time drowning in tears but he couldn't .. He needed to fix it before .. Kaname got back ..
With newfound resolution , he tried searching for anything long enough to fetch the pack of tissues with . To his joy , his blurred eyes landed on his own walking stick .
Having been forced to gulp , he tasted his own shame as he leaned forward , trying to reach the stick with the tips of his fingers ..
Just some more ...
Stretching further , he felt his finger touching it , finally coming in contact with the stick . Sadly , it was also then that he realized how far he had leant enough for him to lose his balance and fall ungracefully , colliding with the harsh floor .
Physical pain could not compare to his mental and emotional one ..
For a second , he questioned the same thing he had been wondering about every single day .
Whoever held power over heaven and hell , why was he to suffer this ?
Why must I go through this ?
His upper half ached and lower one hung awkwardly in between the softness of his bed and harshness of the floor .
Even a damned blanket held more power , wrapping itself around his legs , denying him escape . In a sense it was choking him , he was neither fully lying on bed nor fully resting on ground .
Torn between two , nothing new .
One tug *
He tried breaking free .
Yet one more *
No hope .
No such luck came .
His stomach coiled around like he had performed an intense workout session as he tried to free himself , to no avail . so he just gave up .
Throwing his head back , unable to take more of the muscle pain , he decided to lie down and let out the loudest possible sigh , laced with a hint of surrendering , a scream of complaint at how unfair it was .
Might as well just stay like this , wallowing in my own misery .
He took a few ragged breaths , staring at the ceiling - not really aware of it , for he was dazed - .
A bitter lunatic-like chuckle resonated in the empty room . He had somehow got himself covered in every bodily fluid possible .. Semen , sweat , vomit ... Only blood was yet to be shed .
He could not reach the bathroom and do it all on time so he decided to just lock the chain attached to the front door .
That would hinder Kaname . He thought in mock joy at the little achievement of his .
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The said elder came back home twisting the keys but an opposite force met him .
Confused , his eyebrows knitted and gaze landed at the silver chain in between the tiny creak of the door . His brain quickly formulated it , putting pieces together .
The apartment belonged to him and Zero . Only them . If the younger feared intruders , he would just suffice with closing the door , knowing that the only one besides him possessing the keys was none but Kaname .
However , to use the chain .
It hit him like a brick wall .
Zero was actually shutting him , of all people , out ?
Trying to calm down despite everything , Kaname pursed his lips and tried thinking of what to do .
If he tried to call the younger and ask him to open up , whether literally or by phone , the said would not cooperate . He wouldn't have resorted to locking it in the first place if he would . If he had any intention of letting Kaname in , he wouldn't have done it .
Acting on instincts and impulse , Kaname took a few steps back before going forward with all of his force .
It took him some time and a few slams before the door went wide open , almost breaking free of its hinges , slamming against the wall , nearly creating a crack , chain clattering and coming undone .
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Cliff hanger HAHAHAHAhahahaha ~
Words count : 3979
updated : 25 Sept , 2017 . This is a prewritten fic , like most of my works . Which means daily updates .
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