They were docked at Nar Shadaa, next stop, Dantooine. All the lost Jedi masters had been found, and agreed to meet at the ruins of the old Jedi enclave. The crew was tense, wild to go and hopefully complete their mission. Saving the galaxy and the Republic – it sounded so melodramatic, yet it was exactly what they were charged to do. The General had lead them well, and most of them were now Jedi, albeit unconventionally and without the benefit of a Council. Still, Bao Dur knew they – and she - had chosen the right path. The rest was simply semantics. The General would find a way to rebuild the Council and legitimize her recruits.
They had some time to gather their strength and plan their strategies, such as they could. Bao Dur himself, with the help of T3 and his probe, had upgraded all weapons, armor, prepared kolto packs, and repaired the Ebon Hawk so that it was a smooth running, deadly machine. All was ready, but timing was essential. They had a standard week before they must fly. And what then? Become heroes? Die? Either option seemed acceptable to him, as long as they accomplished their goal.
At Bao Dur's quiet suggestion, The General (he must remember to think of her as Ladria, he reminded himself…especially for what he intended to do) had told the crew to go relax, take care of whatever unfinished business they might have. They needed to remember absolutely why they must go, and do what they must do. When you are facing death, you need to have something to hold on to, to remember what you are fighting for. And so she ordered everyone to go, play some Pazzak, drink, find solace where they could. Stay away until they had to report back to the Ebon Hawk and ready the ship for takeoff.
They all did…some most reluctant to leave her, like Atton, and himself. Some were eager to go…Disciple all but ran to the station library, Mandalore to search for his own kind, Mira to listen and absorb her new connection to the Force, and learn some more from Visas. Atton expressed a desire hit the cantina and Pazzak tables. He was the hardest to convince to leave, and Bao Dur still had some business to take care of there. Kreia…well, she went to parts unknown. Bao Dur and the rest of the crew did not trust her, but he sensed that her role was to come, and meant no harm to the rest of them until that time. Atton knew something about her, but was not telling. Bao Dur let that be for now.
Ladria remained alone, save the droids, aboard the Ebon Hawk. She shut down the HK unit and Go-To agreed to bother her not at all, even going so far as to shut down voluntarily.
Bao Dur reached out his senses and felt her loneliness, and the love she had for them all. It was heartbreaking, and beautiful. She cared so much, yet had to put them in danger for the sake the galaxy. She accepted this, and he could feel her prayers to protect them. But she trusted them to do their jobs, and herself, the same. That was why they would follow her anywhere.
Ladria. Such a lovely name. When they had met again – was it only a few months ago? – and he had addressed by habit as "General", she had admonished him to use her name, not her former title. His reply had been "As you wish, General," and nothing more had been said. To his mind, "General" was her name, to a certain degree. They had had a conversation on the eve of the battle of Malachor V on the importance of names, at least to his people.
As was her habit, she had gathered her closest confidants and commanders to her quarters, to have a drink and as she put it "unwind". They would discuss last-minute tactics and concerns, assure all was in readiness, wish each other luck and good hunting. That evening, after all the others had left, she had asked him to stay a moment. He still didn't understand why, but looking back, he realized she took some comfort from his presence, something that as the commander she could not admit. The excuse to talk was trivial – even at the time he had known it – and while they were speaking, she had invited him to sit and plugged in some music. They sat in silence for a time, and her eyes were closed. Abruptly, she turned to him.
"Bao Dur, I don't know why I must say this, but there it is. You know my background, my service record, and of course, my name. Ladria Windbreak. I ask you, if we live through tomorrow, that in private, please call me Ladria."
He had looked at her, a bit shocked. The answer popped out of his mouth without thought. "As you wish, General."
She smiled, a little sadly. "Ladria" She corrected.
"Yes, General." He said stiffly.
She looked at him thoughtfully. "Bao Dur, I know very little of your people. If you are an example, I expect they are an exceptional race. I depend on your judgment and character more than you know. I respect your reasons for not using my name, whatever it may be. Is it something you can tell me, or should I drop this now, and we can forget I spoke at all?"
He thought about that for a moment, his face unreadable, but not offended. "General," he said at last, "among my people, names are power, and used with caution. The name you know me by, Bao Dur, is twofold: the closest approximation to my true Name as Galactic Basic can get, and the common form of my true Name among the tribe. An Iridonian only uses their true name in times of ceremony, or if one wishes to hold power over another, which is rare indeed. We are given Names at birth, to be used sparingly, and contractions, if you will, of them for common use. It is a sign of great trust to exchange Names."
"I see," she said quietly. "I didn't wish to offend. Please accept my apologies, and we will speak no more of it."
"I am not offended, General. I accept your offer to use your name with great honor. Even," he said with a smile, "if I decline to use it." There was a twinkle in his eye.
She smiled back. "Well then, I suppose I should allow you to get back to your men. Good Hunting, Major."
"Thank you, General." He saluted smartly. "Major Bao'uhr Dur'hcsk requesting permission to return to quarters, Sir."
She stilled. The magnitude of the gesture seemed to momentarily to stun her. A genuine smile, bright as the sun, broke over her face, and she looked the young woman she was, not the quiet and decisive General he was used to. He knew she was just eighteen years; but her Jedi training had prepared her for the responsibility of her rank far better than most that were twice her age. She saluted back.
"Permission granted. Dismissed."
Smiling at the memory, Bao Dur left the ship, and found Atton where he had expected: the Pazzak den. He was alone, drinking, but his glass was barely touched. The depths of the darkness in himself that he had conquered but not forgotten hung around him like a cloud. Bao Dur took a moment to watch the other man, interested in this rare glimpse of Atton without a smile or a quip or an audience to perform his usual clownish behavior to. He sat himself across from Atton with a friendly smile.
"No takers?" he nodded at Atton's Pazzak deck.
"Not in the mood." Atton took a minute sip of his drink, then looked up. "Is she all right?"
"Yes…and no. She will be, but the burden is…heavy." He smiled again. "I have some business with you. I would have you hear me out."
Atton looked surprised. "What business would that be?"
"The Gen….Ladria," Bao Dur corrected himself. "You asked me once, if a guy like you and a woman like her…well, I wasn't as honest as I could have been. At the time."
"Huh?" Atton sputtered, then regained composure. He eyed Bao Dur in confusion, then mild suspicion. But he didn't speak.
"I didn't know you then…or trust you. So I was noncommittal. But if you want to know my opinion now, I'd say yes. But not now."
Atton appeared to think this over, then nodded. "I'd agree that the timing sucks, yeah."
"She needs you…or will. Not because of your apprenticeship, or your past, or your skills. You. Because of who you are, and who she is. You are her future, Jedi or no. I have never agreed that the Jedi should not love, or marry, or have families. Neither, I think, does she. When she realizes that, and convinces the new Jedi order of her wisdom, she will seek you out. This, I am sure of. But until then, she cannot break her Jedi vow, and will not admit her feelings for you. For you two to be everything you should be, it must start in the Light. Do you understand?"
The weight of this settled on Atton's shoulders, but he did not waver. His handsome face registered regret fleetingly, then relaxed. "I can see it, yeah. But you've picked a hell of a time to speak up." He sipped his drink again.
Bao Dur nodded approvingly, then set his mind to the rest of it. Taking a deep breath, he cautioned, "Please do not speak until you have heard me out. I came to you now, because I trust you, and consider you a brother. Because of that, I need to have truth between us. Not…" he held up a hand as Atton started to speak "that there can't be some secrets, I have many, and you do as well. I am not here to judge, or discuss the past. I am here because The Gen…Ladria needs us."
He paused, searched Atton's face, and nodded again. Atton appeared to have questions, but wisely shut up for now.
"So…" this was harder than he'd thought it would be. He only hoped that Atton would understand, and bless his chosen course. His careful words, so recently thought out before he left the ship, deserted him. He blurted out his plan so fast he felt a little dizzy. "I intend to get her drunk, well maybe not, she doesn't seem to be able to actually get intoxicated, but…well, I intend to try, and then bed her."
His bald words hung in the air between them.
"WHAT?!" Atton yelped. "You son of a…"
"No, no, it's not like that!" Bao Dur hurried to explain. "I love her, yes, but not as you do. I can't. She's…like the sun, and me…a plant without light or rain until she came...back. She's not my master, or my lover, or my wife to me…she's my General, and my friend. And she needs this. But not from you, now. She can't. It would taint your relationship, and you two would never be the same. The galaxy would lose something rare and fine, and I can't allow that. I love both of you, and you deserve to be together, always. In the Light, where no one can gainsay what you are to one another, or how powerful you are together."
"I fail to see how this can be achieved with you in her bed." Atton said coldly. That this sounded like an excuse to him went unsaid. "And she'd be breaking her vow as a Jedi with you, just as much as with me. So would you. So would I, for that matter," he added as an afterthought. He was still having problems getting it around his head that he was Jedi now. After all that he had done, all the Jedi he'd hunted down and murdered, he truly didn't believe himself worthy. But Ladria did, and he'd throw himself into a supernova before he would disappoint her.
"Atton, listen to me. I've seen you two…and it's beautiful. But it can't be right now, you know that. But this minute, she's all alone, sitting in an empty freighter, knowing that everyone she loves might die next week. I have no doubt she'll do everything she has to. She's strong. She can do this without me…in her bed."
He swallowed, and looked pleadingly at Atton. "But she will be so much stronger, if she can connect with someone who loves her, without reservation, without expectation, without…guilt." He eyed Atton with sympathy. "She loves you, I've said it, and it's true. But the guilt would eat at both of you. I could have said nothing, done nothing, and what happens next week…well we'll win, or not, but I'm betting we will."
"But…if she has hope, if she knows without a doubt someone loves her and believes in her…she will fight that much harder, for all of us, because she knows she has something to live for. I can show her that. You could too, better than me in fact, but the consequences of that are unacceptable. You both would lose. I can't let that happen. As for Jedi vows…" He paused, trying to find words that wouldn't sound like he was justifying anything. "I've already made peace with myself. I don't consider this a true betrayal of them, in any case. If she won't because of her own vow, perhaps knowing someone wanted her enough to ask will be enough. If she's willing to, it will be because she can accept it, and live with her decision. She doesn't have the conflict with me of wanting to continue a relationship that is forbidden."
"I got news for you friend…I'm here, in a bar, and what you're thinking hardly crossed my mind. I'm not trying to get her drunk and show her a good time." Atton's voice was a low growl. "As you said, she'll do what she must…without either of us having to sacrifice our honor." The last was bitter.
"True."
They sat in silence for a moment, one angry, one determined to be heard.
Finally, Atton relaxed, and seemed to release his anger. "Why come to me? Why tell me at all?"
"Because you are my friend. I would not hurt you, or her. If you found out later…you would not trust my motives. I have thought on this for some time, and I could not do it without your…well, blessing."
"Blessing?! You sit there, telling me you want to bed the woman I love, and you're asking me if it's OKAY?!"
"Yes…if you would be blunt about it."
Bao Dur looked at Atton with infinite patience. "Search within yourself. You know what I say is true. She needs a human connection, to center herself and know she is loved. That her sacrifice will bring hope, and that when balance is restored, she has a place, a reason to keep fighting."
"One, you're not human, and two…this is crazy, I can't believe we're even discussing it!"
"Of course I'm not human. But I am a man, and I do love her. It's my humanity that led me to Jedi training, and you. That is of what I speak."
"I…" Atton seemed at a loss for words. "So you give this…gift…then just stand aside? I know how much you love her, how could you give her up?"
"I'm not giving her up…I'm giving her myself when she needs it, then seeing her go on to her own happiness. I'm giving two people I love something to hold on to…one, my brother, the other, my leader, both, my friend. It is not sacrifice, it is an honorable… gift…as you said, to both of you."
He paused. "You have not asked, but I shall answer…yes, I do want her. She is a beautiful woman, her light shines so brightly, and she has so much to give. I would give much to have her in my arms just once. And that is all I will have. This week, no more. Then we will go be heroes, or martyrs, whichever the Force wills. If I was not absolutely certain that we have a good chance that we will survive, I would be here urging YOU to go to her. But I have not the ability yet to see the future clearly. I know only that I feel you and Ladria will live. And anything I can do to ensure that, I will. I only ask you now, because of how you feel, and how she feels. I do promise I will tell her what I have said to you, and she will not feel conflicted or guilty, and when you claim her, I would be at your side, and hers."
"That is my business. What say you?" Bao Dur folded his hands on the table, a gesture among his people of peace and trust.
"I…" Atton tried again to speak, but the words stuck in his throat. He sat back, and remembered his training, both with Ladria…and before. He let Bao Dur's feelings sweep over him, and felt no deceit, no motive other than the ones stated. The truth of the other man's words hit him like a Wookie's blow. This…gift, this absolute need to comfort a friend, no, two friends and the courage it took to talk to him suddenly made him feel humble, and small.
"Brother.." The word came as a whisper, and a benediction. "I believe you. It's crazy, mind…" some of the old Atton's bravado was back, and his voice became stronger. "But I do." Then his tone became soft, and just slightly pleading. "Just…take care of her, please? I wish…" He stopped, unable to articulate his thoughts.
They sat, companions and brothers again, unspeaking, not needing words. Then Bao Dur laughed softly.
"This is all rather moot if she doesn't agree, or doesn't want me. I'm not exactly…well, you said it…human. I'm big, and have horns, and rather blue for most human women's taste. Not to mention a multitude of tattoos, and several artificial parts. And it's really you she wants," he added quietly.
"Oh, she wants you." Atton's voice was soft, and a bit gruff. "Wanting and being in love aren't the same…but she does love you, too. And she wants you. I've felt that. I was…am…jealous, I admit it." He paused. "But what you say is true…there isn't any reason for me to be jealous. For what it's worth, you have my blessing." With that, he downed his drink in one gulp. "Now, I'm going to go play Pazzak."
Atton laughed, a little rueful, a little wistful, a little, he only admitted to himself, maliciously. "You have the hard part now. Go tell her of your intentions. If she doesn't kill you, I'll see you in a week. Good luck."
With a wink and a wave, Atton was gone.
Bao Dur rose, amazed at his own presumption, awed by his friend's generosity, and frankly scared to death. Atton was right. Now comes the hard part.