Words
"Kelly!" He breathed out when the sweet release came, his eyes closed, for a moment he lost sense of time and direction. He felt the warmth of another body leaving him and seconds later heard the sound of door opening as she stepped out on the balcony.
Opening his eyes he stared at the ceiling in the dark room his thoughts running wild, not for the first time in the past weeks and months. Getting out of her bed he dragged on his boxer shorts and jeans before he followed her out feeling numb again.
Seeing the dark figure dressed in an oversized t-shirt seated on the floor with her back against the wall a lit cigarette between her fingers he finally felt something. "I'm sorry." He spoke. It was ironic that the first thing that came to his mind was an apology when he had no idea what he was apologizing for.
She breathed out the cigarette smoke not looking in his direction. "It's pathetic you know." Brenda spoke finally.
He had to agree. From the day when Antonia died in his arms four years ago his whole life has been pathetic, but he was not going to confirm her words. He was not ready to.
"I'm fine with the friends with benefits agreement we have." She explained finally her eyes narrowing on him. "But I'm not fine with you fantasying about my brother's wife while you are having sex with me. I think after everything we have been through you owe me that much."
"It won't happen again." He said, the same words he said the last time it happened and they both knew how seriously he meant them. Serious was not a word in Dylan McKay's dictionary. Sitting down he leaned against the wall, biting the inside of his mouth when the cold wall touched his naked back.
"They are having a baby. Brandon called just before you came." Staring into the distance Brenda said emotionlessly. Dylan felt his head spinning after her words, now he knew exactly what she meant with the pathetic comment. In an instant he was on his feet searching for his shirt inside the dark room. Finally succeeding he dragged it over his head, ready to leave.
"Where are you going?" Brenda asked him standing in the balcony door.
"I don't know." With that he was gone. Walking outside into the dark street he breathed in the cold air again. Brushing the moisture away from his cheeks he continued walking unsure where to. Baby, they were having a fucking baby together, it felt like the small part of him that still felt alive died as well when he heard those words. Two years ago he flied back home to attend their wedding, he needed a closure.
He never got it, seeing her dressed in a sea of white looking all gorgeous as she always did, he couldn't watch her marry someone else and so he left before the ceremony telling himself he won't regret missing it anyway. He did, those whole two years he lived in a hope that one day she'll change her mind, that she'll come to the conclusion that Brandon was not who she wanted to be with, now there was going to be a child. He kicked the trash can that stood in his way in a hope it will relieve at least some of the anger he felt. It helped a little he concluded and although now limping he continued down the sidewalk.
The first year after Antonia died was a hell. He couldn't remember half of it, most of the time he was either high or drunk his senses numbed, the reality without her has been too heavy for him to live in. The wakeup call came when he found himself in hospital one morning shaking violently and the doctors telling him he was not going to make it through another dose. It was that moment when he realized he was not ready to go yet and join his late wife. He sobered up, not immediately, but eventually he did, and he started travelling again living his life day after a day.
It was a complete coincidence when he bumped into Brenda in Paris of all places sometime over two and half years ago. At that time he thought he found what he was missing and he could breathe freely again. Their romance carried on from Paris to London and things were going seemingly well, until the invitation to the wedding came. He could still remember the day when Brenda pulled the little shiny card out of the envelope. Another moment when he spiraled out of control, he ended things in a hurry and in a spur of a moment decision flew back to the States, he knew Brenda was not going to be there, she was not ready to face her family and friends, not that she wanted to.
On the wedding day, he stood there in the church alley; seeing his friends and the girl that he now knew was the one he was looking for. He left before the ceremony, he couldn't handle it, not without causing drama. After that he was on the road again, for weeks and months he was waking up in one country and falling asleep in another one traveling the world.
London, some months ago, there was something that pulled him back into this city. Maybe it was the knowledge that there was someone who still understood him, someone who could relate and not judge him for the way he decided to live his life. He was surprised that after all the stunts he pulled she was still willing to talk to him and eventually more. They fitted into this routine that included a lot of talking and sex, casual sex with no strings attached. It worked for him, for a while, before he realized it wasn't only casual sex that he needed to satisfy him, he needed a connection as a well. A connection that he now knew, he was never going to have in London.
It was time to run again, with no clear direction and so he was off, on the road for another few years. Running away from his problems, it was what he did the best after all.
There came another dark street. Five years later in a fine Los Angeles neighborhood. Handing the bills to the driver he got out of the cab in front of the cozy looking house hidden behind a white picket fence, it looked just as he imagined it would. Grabbing his bag from the trunk he headed down the pathway towards the house feeling more alive than he ever had in the past decade. No matter the circumstances.
It was late and he did not want to wake up the kid so he knocked on the door waiting. The door flew open and he finally saw her, her eyes filled with sorrow, but even being emotionally drained and tired she looked even prettier than before, motherhood certainly suited her. Without a word she was in his arms quiet sobs leaving her body. He did the only thing he could do without screwing things up right there and then, held her while she cried.
The next day found them on a walk in a park not so far away from the house. The blond haired boy who turned out to be his mother's carbon copy ran a few feet in front of them. Kelly on Dylan's arm, her tired eyes hidden behind a pair of shades the two of them walking in comfortable silence or so he thought until the few silent sobs made him aware that not everything was as he imagined it to be.
Wrapping an arm around her shoulders protectively he pulled her to his chest, his eyes on the little boy. "We used to walk here together just like this." She mumbled in between the sobs that grew in intensity with every second.
He cringed inwardly but his face gave up nothing. Even though he missed his old friend, he was still not ready to hear any details about their married life together. It hurt too much knowing that all those years, while he felt lost and was trying to forget all about her, she has been happy with someone else.
"I still can't believe he is not here. That he won't come home in the evening anymore, that he won't be here when Sammy goes to school, graduates, marries and has a family of his own, just because this stupid kid sat behind the wheel intoxicated." The tears were now streaming down her cheeks and for a moment Dylan contemplated whether it has been a good decision to come back to Los Angeles. Kelly losing her husband, Sammy his father…it just came way too close to home.
"Is it ever going to hurt less?" Kelly asked him, trying to brush the tears away without much success.
"No, but you are going to get used to the constant pain." He whispered his eyes now glassy as well. He had no heart to lie to her, to tell her that time heals everything when he knew it won't.
She nodded acknowledging his words. "Do you still miss her?"
"Every single day." He confirmed watching as she nodded again, brushing the last remains of tears from her cheeks she linked her arms with his again as they moved forward following the little boy in front of them. "It will take a bit of time, but you are going to get over this. You will miss him, but you'll come to terms with everything and go on with your life."
"How do you know it?" Kelly questioned him keeping her eyes on her son.
"Because you're one of the strongest people I know."
"No, I'm not…I've been a crying mess ever since the cops rang the doorbell. I've no idea how I made it through the following days, the funeral service and the days afterwards." Kelly mumbled.
"I wish I was a crying mess after Antonia died." Dylan said softly. "You go on a day after a day keeping things as normal as possible for Sam, I was high for a year. That's the reason why I'm sure you're going to handle this."
Kelly nodded. "I'm glad you came." She said finally.
"Yeah, me too…" Dylan mumbled as they moved again. Maybe, there was still a hope. As wrong as it sounded, maybe the accident was their faith telling them they were supposed to be together.
Closing the door to Sammy's room behind him he jumped a little when he heard the sound of glass being shattered coming from Kelly's bedroom. Hurrying forward he saw her in the middle of the room, down on her knees and with tears streaming down her cheeks looking in the direction where the previously framed photo of her family landed.
He closed the bedroom door behind him, there was no need to wake Sammy up when he just fell asleep. Without a word he sat down next to her rubbing her back. Instead of calming her down, her sobs only grew in intensity.
"I hate him. I hate that he left Sammy and I alone and the next moment I feel guilty, because I know perfectly well it wasn't his fault. It's a vicious circle, there seems to be no way out." She said in between the sobs. "I want this to stop, Dylan. I want these thoughts to go away, but I have no idea how." She continued her rambling.
"They will go away, Kel. Not right away, but eventually they will. You just have to make it through this, concentrate on you and Sam." He said soothingly, brushing the hair away from her teary face. Her eyes met his and for a moment he got lost, he was not sure who moved first but soon her lips were on his, pressing hard open mouthed kisses, her body pressed into his he couldn't think any longer, he was getting intoxicated by her. He couldn't.
"Kel!" He pushed her softly away from him creating a safe distance, he wanted this, he wanted her, but not this way.
"I need you, Dylan." She looked at him pleadingly and normally this would be enough for him to be a goer, but not this time. Not if they should get it right this time.
"I know. I know how much you need something that will make you forget at least for a moment." He ran his thumb down her cheek, looking into her eyes. "Believe me, I need you too and have for a long time, but not this way. If we are supposed to go down this road again, I want it to be because you want me and not because you are hurting and want to forget all about Brandon and his death."
He watched her nod subtly deep in thoughts. "Can you just hold me tonight?" She asked finally, her blue watchers on his again.
"That I can do." He smiled softly standing up and helping her up from the floor.
"Kelly!" He breathed out when the sweet release came, his eyes closed, for a moment he lost sense of time and direction. He felt the warmth of her body as she cuddled into him seconds later equally breathless.
"God, this is getting better and better." Kelly sighed happily finding that comfortable spot on his chest.
"Quicker." Dylan added, his eyes open now as he gave her one of his famous half-smirks.
"Well, we have a six year old and a baby, we have to be effective. It's not like we have tons of time on our hands. "She smiled at him, that smile that turned him on every single time. Without any warning he pushed her on her back, nibbling on her earlobe.
"Maybe I have to whisk you away for a weekend for some proper mommy and daddy alone time." He teased her, his lips now trailing down her neck.
"You still remember how it ended the last time you whisked me away for some alone time?" Unseen to him Kelly raised her brows.
"Well, you always said you wanted a little sister for Sam. Now we have Mia." He kissed her softly.
"True, but I never said I'd want a third one." Kelly chuckled teasing him.
"Wouldn't you? I mean the two we have are pretty amazing, I guess it would be fun to have a third one."
Kelly chuckled again, leaning up and kissing him softly. "Who are you and where's the guy who never wanted to be a father in first place?"
"That's what you do to me. Father, step-father and husband." Just saying it out loud made him happy. After all those years when he was lost, all those days and weeks he couldn't even remember, the past two years together with Kelly, Sam and now Mia were forever engraved in his memory as the happy days. He remembered every second, the good and the bad finally feeling alive.
"How about we wait a few more months before we discuss a third one?" Kelly's words pulled him out of his daydream.
"See, I'm not the only one who can surprise. I thought you'd be on board." Dylan smiled nestling them under the warm sheets.
"I guess I am, but…things are pretty great right now with us and the kids. I want to enjoy it, before we think about another baby."
"Things can only get better with another one. I love you Kelly McKay." He mumbled leaning down, kissing her hungrily. With the kids still asleep there was enough time to go for another round, as Kelly said, they had to be effective.