A/N: The gayest of all gay fanfics EVER. No, seriously. If you don't want to see characters acting out of character, characters acting extremely fluffy, the pansiest Saito in existence, Sanosuke babbling about emotions, frilly tablecloths, flowers, and enough pathetic metaphors to choke the most ridiculous English teacher ever, then I suggest you leave now.

My friend Courtney and I went to the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival in our state (CT) and there was a five minute film about two men on their first real date and I quickly decided it needed to be written over to be about Saito and Sanosuke. Because it was way too out of character for them, so it would be hilarious. Thus this fanfic was created.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own that short film. I do not own Rouroni Kenshin or any of its characters. I do own Saito's wine and collection of silly hats, but that is neither here nor there, for it has nothing to do with this fanfic.

DEDICATION: Courtney, for coming to see Guys and Balls with me and discovering this amazing short film in the process, and for teaching me the glory that is Saito/Sano slash. SaiSaLove.

Sanosuke sat at the table, very relaxed for once. He had been nervous upon first arriving, but the dinner had put him in good spirits. "Wow, that was a really good meal, Saito. I would never have pegged you as a cook."

"...I can cook when I want to."

"...obviously." There was an awkward pause. Sanosuke was beginning to feel those nervous flutterings again and he began worrying that he was going to say something sublimely stupid. "...so I merit your culinary talents?"

"...why are you asking such stupid questions, roosterhead?"

"Just first date jitters, I guess."

"Why do you have to call it a date?"

"Well, you ask me over here, for dinner...alone...no Kenshin, no Kaoru...no one."

"I would never allow that witless girl into my home, and as for Himura..." Saito broke off suddenly and shaking his head, took a sip of whisky, mumbling under his breath. "...fool."

"What, me or him?"

"Him of course. You're the moron."

Sanosuke paused for a second, choosing for the moment to ignore the insult as he thought over what Saito had just said. "...so basically what you're saying is that I'm special?"

Saito's eyes narrowed and he smirked. "...in that stop eating the paste sort of way, yes."

Sanosuke glowered. "You know what I mean. You're basically saying that you did all this to impress me."

Saito's face grew angry and he leaned forward in his chair; with his right hand he began gesturing towards Sanosuke with the knife he had been cutting with...not a good sign. "Look, Roosterhead, me choosing to have you over is my affair. What I choose to cook for you is my business as well. All you have to worry about is whether or not you're going to accept that invitation, which you did, and if you're going to eat what I prepared, which you apparently are. So if you have any other problems, bring them up now, while I'm still pissed off."

"...you mean you have another emotion?"

Saito's face was turning a rather unhealthy shade of red; Sanosuke grinned. "Relax, bug britches, I'm kidding. Whether you did it to impress or just cause you felt like it, it's great; I love it. I love the house, I love the food, I love you."

Silence. Both men sat frozen in their chairs, Saito still holding the knife, Sanosuke sitting dumbly in place with his hands resting easily on the table. Both stared at each other with wide eyes. Seconds passed. Each man cleared his throat, reached for his glass, and took a drink.

"So," Saito began, gently wiping his moist lips with his napkin, "how are things going for Himura, anyway? Still completely oblivious to that witless girl's obsession with him?"

"Heh, yes...um, Saito, about what I said a minute ago...when I said I loved you...?"

"I thought that's what you said; I wasn't certain." Saito arched an eyebrow; he couldn't wait to hear the explanation behind this one.

"I didn't mean it. I mean, I just...mixed up my...my words. I meant to say 'it'...as in...you know...everything. I mean, it's just our first date." Sanosuke saw the look in Saito's eyes and hurried to continue. "I mean, we're just having dinner... its way too soon for I-love-you's."

"I agree wholeheartedly," Saito said dryly. There was a long silence; Sanosuke couldn't meet Saito's gaze anymore and began fiddling with the tablecloth, thinking again how strange it was that Saito even owned a pale blue tablecloth with daisies on it. The pause was so long and the silence had grown so overpowering that Saito was surprised when Sanosuke finally spoke again.

"And I mean, even if we were, you know, on a...a..."

"...a date?" Saito suggested. Suddenly, staring at Sanosuke's blushing face, the word wasn't as hard to say as it had been moments before.

"Yes, a... a date...even if we were, it would still be far too early to say I love you. I mean...I have a sort of..." Sanosuke was wishing he had never brought up this topic of conversation at all. Damn his stupid mouth! He had known he was going to say something dumb. "...an emotional wall!" he blurted out, and instantly began silently berating himself. An emotional wall! What the fuck kind of stupid answer is that? Not knowing what he was saying but having no better idea, Sanosuke did what he always did and barreled relentlessly forward. "...I find it hard to let people in...so I build up barriers and moats and drawbridges and I...don't...let people in," he finished lamely.

Saito stared at Sanosuke. What the fuck was the stupid rooster on about now? "Well...if it came to that, I'd just have to..." Beat the shit out of your stupid ass, he thought silently. Aloud he said merely "get out my chisel and hammer and break down your walls." What in God's name did I just say?

Apparently had done something right, for Sanosuke was blushing again, but this time a smile accompanied it, a shy smile that he wasn't used to seeing the boy wear. "Um, more wine?" Saito fumbled.

"Oh, yes please." Sanosuke was glad for a change of subject.

"This is one of my favorites," Saito said, taking Sanosuke's glass to pour another round for the boy.

"Then why are you having whisky?"

"Because I'm a grouchy old man and I'm entitled to feed my ulcer," Saito replied, arching an eyebrow and giving Sanosuke a rare honest smile as he handed over the wine. Sanosuke smiled in return, and Saito was amazed to discover that the boy actually knew enough to swirl the glass about to watch for the patterns left behind. "It's an old vintage...I've had it around for years. I love the taste, so rich and full-bodied." He stared at that smile, the teenager's engrossment, and blurted out suddenly "I love you, too!"

With a light clang the glass slid through Sanosuke's astonished fingers and spilled all over the table top while the boy stared at Saito in shock. Saito was stunned himself. He certainly hadn't planned on saying those words...they had just appeared out of nowhere. He would have to clarify.

"Um...when I said 'I love you, too," he began, but as usual, Sanosuke had to interfere.

"Oh, you did say that," the boy interrupted, laughing nervously. "I thought my ears were playing tricks on me!"

"Yeah," Saito said. "Well...I didn't really mean that I love...you. I mean...see, Sanosuke...we don't really know each other at all. It's impossible for you to understand me. Our lives are totally different, and I'm so much older than you...see, I have...I have this...buried treasure...hidden inside." He tapped his chest just above his heart, feeling very emotional for some reason, and also aware in some part of his mind that he was acting like a complete pansy and that later he would want to slit his wrists over this. "...and very few people have the map."

"...do you..." Sanosuke seemed hesitant to ask the question. "...do you think that I might?"

"...I don't know."

There was a long silence, Saito staring morosely at the remains of his dinner, Sanosuke sadly mopping up his spilt wine with his already sodden napkin. Finally the boy made an attempt at some joviality.

"So...you really think that Kenshin and Kaoru will ever get togeth..." He never got to finish. Saito, seeming to have come to a decision about something at last, locked eyes with Sanosuke.

"I want you to move in with me."

Delighted, Sanosuke reached across the table and grabbed Saito's hands. "I've got all my stuff outside!"

Saito smiled as he leaned in for a kiss. "...moron."

-fin-