The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off to cuddle something soft. This is just real insanity that ran through my tiny, insane little mind. Just what did the Figgis Agency do during those three months they didn't have a single client?
The Cuddle Puddle Club
"Well I see you're all hard at work making the Figgis Agency a powerhouse of efficiency and excellence," Cyril said sarcastically as he walked into the bullpen with Mallory. Ray, Pam, Cheryl and Krieger were all lounging around doing nothing.
"Today's sarcasm is brought to you by the letter F," Ray quipped.
"You really want to play the F card with me Gillette?" Mallory growled. "I could use a few F words right now! To describe all of you! At the top of the list…FAILURES!"
"Said the failed pot to the failed kettle," Cheryl said casually as she leafed through a magazine.
"And just what do you mean by that missy?" Mallory turned on her.
"Uh duh! I said you were a failure," Cheryl snorted. "You know? With your career? Your son? Your marriage…?"
"In the first place," Mallory growled. "My marriage is fine! Second, my career despite its temporary derailment by you and the rest of the Idiot Brigade is starting to turn around again…"
"You really believe that?" Pam asked.
"And as for my son…" Mallory went on then stopped. "All right I'll give you that one. Along with a bullet in your empty head if you don't shape up!"
"Who do I look like? Jane Fonda?" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Wait…Do I look like Jane Fonda? When she was hot I mean."
"Eh maybe from the back," Pam shrugged.
"Personally I'm more of a Suzanne Sommers fan," Krieger admitted.
"Me too," Ray said.
Mallory turned to Cyril. "Remind me again why we kept these idiots instead of leaving them for dead back in the New Mexico desert?"
"Can you get anybody else to work for us with what we pay?" Cyril gave her a look.
"Damn it…" Mallory swore. "Fine…Listen up! Cyril and I have to go fill out some…forms or something."
"I told you," Cyril said to her. "They're F-457 forms. According to the state of California all private detective agencies have to…"
"Yada, yada, yada!" Mallory interrupted. "Short version, we have to kowtow to the state of Flake-ifornia."
"We have to!" Cyril snapped. "I'm running a legitimate agency! I'm not going to get arrested for treason. AGAIN!"
"Any-who…" Mallory sighed. "Since I invested in this agency and Cyril is technically running this agency we have to go sign our lives to the man! That's government bureaucracy for you!"
"It's not that big a deal Ms. Archer," Cyril sighed. "We just sign some papers and that's it."
"So while we're gone for probably the whole day," Mallory sighed.
"The building is only a block away and I made an appointment…" Cyril spoke up but was ignored. "It shouldn't take that long."
Mallory went on. "Typical government wasting our time…I want you idiots to do…something productive."
"Like what?" Pam asked. "It's not our fault there aren't any clients."
"No, but it is your fault that I've been reduced to hocking some of my good furs and jewelry to fund this defective agency!" Mallory snapped. "Emphasis on the defective!"
"Ugh," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Are you going to bitch about that whole CIA thing again?"
"You mean how you all ruined my career, reputation and any chance I had of becoming a major power player in the world of espionage?" Mallory snapped. "How in one day I went from one of the most well-known, well connected women in my field to a pariah and outcast?"
"Here she goes…" Krieger groaned.
"Where once I used to literally rub shoulders with the crème de le crème," Mallory went on. "Wild Bill Donovan. The Duke and Duchess of Kent. The Kennedys. Hemmingway. The Paleys. All the richest and most powerful people…And now…I'm stuck with the lowest dregs of humanity."
"Just like a dog with a bone with that isn't she?" Ray sighed.
"More like a bitch without a boner," Pam quipped.
Mallory wailed. "Where I once did high profile assassinations, microfilm transfers, smuggling secret plans for atom bombs across Europe…And now I can't even get a missing dog case!"
"Okay! We get it!" Cheryl interrupted. "Your life is ruined and you're a failure! And we have no clients! We know this already!"
"What the hell do you want us to do about it?" Ray snapped.
"Something! Anything!" Mallory threw up her hands. "Anything besides sitting on your asses and doing nothing! Which is what you always do!"
"Not always," Krieger challenged. "I usually work in my lab. I'm just on a break now."
"You're on a break from breaking everything in your lab?" Cyril quipped. "Including what little sanity you have left?"
"Yes," Krieger said.
"Now you're breaking what little sanity I have left," Cyril groaned.
"We do a lot more than just sit around you know?" Pam spoke up. "Sometimes we play poker. Or look up gossip online."
"You lot might want to consider looking up jobs online!" Mallory snapped. "Because if we can't get a client that's what you're going to have to do when this so called business closes down!"
"Well what's Archer doing?" Pam asked.
"Yeah I haven't seen him or Lana all day," Ray realized.
"AJ has an appointment with her new pediatrician," Cyril explained. "And apparently this doctor likes to meet with both parents during the first appointment so…"
"I don't get why Sterling had to go either," Mallory admitted. "But at least he's not wasting time around here."
"He's wasting time in a doctor's office," Ray quipped.
"Pretty much yes," Cyril sighed. "Honestly I'm glad he's out for the day."
"So you idiots do something short of burning this building to the ground," Mallory snapped. "Try to actually earn your salaries for a change. I know that's a foreign concept for most of you but give it a whirl!"
"All I heard was burn the building to the ground," Cheryl said.
"NO! DON'T BURN THE BUILDING TO THE GROUND!" Cyril shouted.
"Come on Cyril…" Mallory sighed. "You lot…Just do something!" They walked away.
Cheryl blew a raspberry after them. "There. I did something."
"And I'm going to do something too," Pam smirked. A loud toot was heard.
"Ugh! Pam! Seriously?" The others complained at the smell of her fart.
"Sorry," Pam apologized. "Didn't mean to add the stank. Must have been those salsa verde breakfast chimichangas."
"Good lord woman is there nothing you won't eat?" Ray groaned.
"Honestly I'm not a big fan of Arby's," Pam admitted. "Or whale blubber. But other than that…"
"I guess eating whale blubber must be like cannibalism to you," Cheryl quipped.
"You're going to eat a knuckle sandwich if you keep making jokes like that!" Pam made a fist.
"Tease!" Cheryl smirked.
"So much for our lives changing," Ray remarked. "Ms. Archer is still bossing us around. Lana and Archer are still screwing around. Cyril is just being…around period. And we're just sitting on our asses waiting for the next disaster to arrive."
"I thought they were taking their germ baby to the doctor," Cheryl asked.
"If you have the first appointment at eight in the morning it doesn't take all day," Ray told her. "Lana and Archer are just using that excuse to get out of work."
"Huh so nothing really has changed except our location," Krieger realized. "And our agency's name."
"At least our agency finally has a name now," Ray remarked. "Let's just hope terrorists don't steal this one."
"Something tells me even terrorists would be a little more discerning than to take the name Figgis," Krieger remarked.
"I like this new agency," Pam said. "At least it's not a total trash dump like our old one."
"Not yet. But the way you keep wrecking the bathrooms with your bowel movements…" Krieger gave her a look. "Honestly the strength of your colon amazes me."
"Thank you!" Pam grinned. "I think living in California agrees with me. And so do the avocados and black beans!"
"Trust me," Cheryl wrinkled her nose. "They don't…"
"I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss New York at least a little," Ray admitted. "I mean…It's not like I had many friends outside of y'all but…I miss the Snug. It was my hangout and the people knew me there."
"I miss Crammers," Pam admitted. "And some of the gang there too."
"I miss my old lab," Krieger admitted. "It had an old world charm about it."
"It had a Frankenstein charm about it," Ray gave him a look.
"Exactly," Krieger nodded. "I also miss the sewers of New York and my kids. I was just starting to reconnect with the Krieglins again. Fortunately, there's e-mail and video chatting."
"At least you had family there," Pam pointed out. "A weird family that makes Scott Summers and Jean Grey's interdimensional alternate reality family look stable. But still family."
"I guess we all miss something about New York," Ray admitted.
"Not me," Cheryl shrugged. "I was running out of places to burn things."
"Seriously?" Pam asked. "You don't miss New York at all?"
"What's to miss?" Cheryl asked. "Obnoxious snooty neighbors who've hated my family for generations? Crowding? Arson investigators? Animal rights whiners complaining about my ocelot? Train dwarves? No, thank you."
"What about your mansion?" Pam asked. "Where you and your brother grew up?"
"Ehhhh…." Cheryl shrugged.
"To be honest Cheryl," Ray absently looked at his bionic arm. "I don't miss your home either! Not too many good memories for me in that place."
"I guess having a physical and mental breakdown, being part of a failed cocaine cartel, nearly getting eaten by a killer plant and losing your hand would explain that," Krieger admitted.
"Yes, Krieger it would," Ray sighed.
"Is that why you have night terrors sometimes?" Krieger asked innocently.
"How do you know about that?" Ray snapped.
"From the cameras I…It doesn't matter," Krieger covered.
"Yeah it kind of does," Ray glared at him.
"What kind of night terrors?" Cheryl asked strangely interested. "Are they the ones when you feel that you are a heartbeat away from dying? Like you're trapped and smothered and can't get out and don't know why? Or are they the ones when you feel like you have a spear in your back and can't move and the pain is so real you can hardly stand it?"
Everyone in the room gave Cheryl a look of horror. Cheryl had a happy look on her face as she went on. "Or are they the ones when you feel lost and alone? Or are they the best kind, when every horrible pain you have ever experienced comes at you at the same time before you fall into a fiery pit of Hell?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ray barked.
"Okay! Fine! I'm jealous!" Cheryl pouted. "Jealous of all the pain you went through! Happy?"
"Not really…" Ray groaned.
"I'm really starting to get worried about you," Pam looked at Cheryl.
"Well obviously because I don't have night terrors like Ray!" Cheryl pouted. "Not even a stupid freaking falling nightmare. I just fall unconscious and don't wake up until morning."
"You guys get why I usually don't talk to you about these things?" Ray asked the others.
"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded.
"Pretty obvious," Pam admitted. "But Ray…You really should see someone too before you crack like Little Miss Nutjob over here."
"I don't really trust psychiatrists," Ray admitted. "The last time I went to one…I was in a Pray Away the Gay Camp so…"
"Say no more," Pam interrupted him.
"I'd rather not," Ray admitted.
"But you really should talk to somebody before your problem gets worse," Krieger said.
"You mean before I have a complete emotional and physical breakdown?" Ray glared at him. "Left alone in my own filth in a god damn wheelchair?"
"Yes!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Oh wait a minute…?"
"Is it all coming back to you?" Cheryl asked. "Or did you forget that's what the original Krieger did?"
"Who said I wasn't the original?" Krieger said defensively. "I'm not a clone! Of myself. Nope, nope, nope…"
"I dunno," Ray said. "There's kind of a point in your favor if you are a clone and not the original."
"You do seem slightly more empathic than the first one," Pam admitted. "Not much more but slightly more."
"Well that's because I'm reading a book about faking empathy," Krieger said quickly. "But this isn't about me. This is about Ray and his problem."
"And what am I supposed to do about that?" Ray asked. "Even if I wanted to go to therapy I can't afford it!"
"So we can do therapy right here!" Krieger said. "I am a doctor."
"Technically not…" Ray gave him a look.
"Well I'm your doctor," Krieger said. "That's the closest technical term I can think of. I can't say creator because that implies I dug your human parts out of a grave, sewed them up and shot electricity into you. Well I did shoot electricity into you but…"
"Sometimes I can't believe I'm still alive, let alone walking again," Ray groaned.
"A Cuddle Puddle!" Pam said cheerfully.
"A what?" Ray gave her a look.
"It's the latest trend in therapy," Pam told him. "Cuddling in large groups provides a sense of relaxation and trust. It is also beneficial to help people who have had traumatic experiences!"
"You're kidding?" Ray gave her a look.
"No, I'm freaking serious!" Pam told him. "People who get certified as professional cuddlers can make over eighty bucks an hour!"
"That's a thing?" Krieger's jaw dropped.
"Eighty bucks an hour just to lie there?" Ray was stunned.
"Isn't that what a hooker does?" Krieger asked.
"It's not sexual stupid!" Pam snorted. "Although…"
"No…" Both Ray and Krieger said at the same time.
"Yeah I'm not in the mood either," Cheryl sighed. "Which is really weird for me. I think it's because I ate too much mercury this morning."
"Okay calm down! It was just an option," Pam shrugged. "But that could totally help you Ray! We can all do it!"
"Technically most of us have already done it with each other," Cheryl remarked.
"Again, not sex!" Pam snapped. "Fully clothed and no inappropriate touching. Just cuddling."
"Do you even know what no inappropriate touching is?" Krieger raised an eyebrow. "Because no offense you do kind of have a history of ignoring personal boundaries."
"Said the food rapist," Pam gave him a look.
"I've seen you do a few things with food that were kind of on the rape-y side," Krieger pointed out.
"Fair enough," Pam shrugged. "But this time I really mean it. Besides a while back I looked at a pamphlet on inappropriate touching for my HR skills."
"Yeah we all remember the gang rape doll kit," Ray groaned. "And the X-rated puppet shows you did with Krieger."
"That was fun," Cheryl giggled. "Especially the time I set them on fire!"
"Well this form of therapy doesn't involve matches!" Pam told her. "It's just plain and simple cuddling."
"Pam I don't know what's more disturbing," Ray sighed. "Your idea or that I'm actually considering it!"
"It's therapeutic Ray," Pam said.
"It's insane," Ray admitted. "But…That never stopped me before. Oh all right, I'll try it. On one condition. Krieger is the DMZ between you and me."
"I have no problem with that," Krieger shrugged.
"Me neither so…" Pam got up. "Come on. Let's take out some of these cushions and make a bed on the floor."
"Yay! Sleepover!" Cheryl got up cheering.
"This has got to be one of the weirdest things I've ever done," Ray groaned as he helped take apart one of the couches. "And that includes the time I helped organize Fetish Night at the Snug."
"This will be fun!" Pam told him. "Think about it. You're getting therapy for free that most bitches have to pay out the nose for!"
"Lucky me…" Ray groaned.
Soon they were lying down on the makeshift bed. Ray was on the outside right, followed by Krieger behind him. Pam behind Krieger. Then Cheryl behind Pam.
"All right," Pam snuggled next to Krieger. "A Pam sandwich! With fixins! Rarrr!"
"Dukes what did I get myself into?" Ray groaned.
"Shhh…Shhh…" Krieger hugged Ray. "Just relax…"
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Ray groaned as he allowed himself to turn and put his head on Krieger's shoulder. "I know it's been too long but still…"
"People crave human contact," Krieger told him. "It's just a natural instinct humans have."
"And this isn't even sexual," Pam said as she hugged Krieger from behind. "So relax. It's not like you need to have performance anxiety over this."
"Since when do you care about not having sex Pam?" Ray asked incredulously.
"Hey! Just because I'm not an HR manager anymore doesn't mean I don't care about making this a productive workplace," Pam pouted.
"Since when did you ever care about that?" Cheryl teased.
"Shut up," Pam told Cheryl. Then she went on. "It's important that we build up an atmosphere of trust among co-workers in the workplace."
"Does it make it easier to screw over your co-workers in the long run?" Ray asked.
"No, dummy," Pam said. "It makes it easier to screw with your co-workers in the long run. A casual cuddle today leads to casual sex tomorrow! Which reminds me, anyone want to have some casual sex tomorrow? Or any other time?"
"Oh Dukes this is a mistake," Ray groaned.
"I said other time, stupid!" Pam rolled her eyes. "Not now!"
"Just give it a chance Ray," Krieger said. "A lot of people don't get positive human contact that's merely platonic. And let's be honest. We do fall into that category."
"And people actually pay for not having sex?" Cheryl was surprised.
"Top dollar," Krieger said.
Ray remarked. "Damn, Cyril would make a fortune."
They all laughed. "Good one," Pam admitted.
"I thought so," Ray chuckled.
"I like snuggling with you Pam," Cheryl snuggled closer to her. "You're so warm and puffy. Like a big ol' pillow…"
"And you're not so bony for a skinny bitch," Pam admitted. "I wonder if I could do this for a living if this detective thing falls through."
"I guess it couldn't hurt to look up how to get certified," Krieger admitted. "Just in case. We could form our own agency! Krieger Kuddles! Cuddles with a K of course."
"Oh dear lord," Ray snorted with laughter. "Can you imagine the lawsuits we'd get if Archer was involved in that?"
"Who are you kidding?" Cheryl laughed. "We'd all get sued if we tried that business!"
"Eh, she's got a point," Pam admitted.
"I still can't believe I'm doing this," Ray groaned. "And with you guys…"
"I think this will be good for you Ray. Your heartrate is going down already," Krieger noticed.
Ray didn't want to admit it then, but being held like this felt good. He simply made a non-committal noise. He couldn't help himself making another noise of contentment when he felt Krieger lightly pet his back.
"This is just so weird even for me," Ray sighed as he closed his eyes. "And I have been in some pretty compromising positions in the past. Admittedly in a state of complete undress…"
"Again Ray this has nothing to do with sex," Krieger rolled his eyes. "It has to do with trust."
"Admittedly that's not exactly a quality we have in abundance," Ray admitted.
"I don't know about that. We are friends," Krieger told Ray.
"I guess we are," Ray admitted. "I mean you can only get operated on by someone so many times before…I dunno. There's some kind of weird connection."
"Yeah but I gotta admit that Ray has a point a little," Cheryl spoke up. "Come on Krieger you haven't exactly been a hundred percent perfect when it comes to Ray's bionics. Look at his weird hand for crying out loud!"
"That's because I had a surplus of black hands and didn't have any white ones at the time," Krieger said.
"Why would you…?" Pam began. "Never mind. I think I'm better off not knowing."
"Well you guys are ones to talk," Krieger pointed out. "How about the time I was missing on San Marcos for three weeks and none of you came after me?"
"One, we thought the Dopple-Krieger Vampire Clones got you," Pam said. "Well at least I did."
"And two we all know you tend to disappear into your lab from time to time," Ray added.
"But not that long!" Krieger protested.
"Have you forgotten Spring Break eight years ago?" Ray asked as he opened his eyes and gave Krieger a look.
"If you're not the original Krieger let me tell you what happened," Pam said. "You disappeared for six weeks and when you came back you were only wearing a lab coat covered in blood and carrying some bongos made out of rat skin. You never told us what happened and we didn't ask."
"Oh that," Krieger said. "Yeah that was…nothing."
"And I was still pretty miffed at you for using me like a damn puppet," Ray grumbled. "Taking control of my legs and making me goose step for over three damn hours without a break. Especially after you neglected to tell me all you had to do was reboot my CPU! Leaving me crippled for months!"
"Well…" Krieger hesitated. "I'm sorry. I didn't…I mean. That was wrong what I did wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was…" Ray sighed. "But I guess I can forgive you of that now. Since you keep fixing me up and saving my life. Especially after I was so stupid the last time…"
Krieger looked at Ray. "You really are scared of being a cyborg aren't you?"
Ray sighed. "Not as much anymore. It's just…I didn't want to end up like Barry."
"Whatever happened to Barry?" Cheryl asked.
"Archer blew him up in a grain silo," Pam explained.
"Lucky," Cheryl sighed.
Krieger cautiously took Ray's bionic hand. "I don't see you as inhuman. You know that right?"
"I guess…" Ray let out a breath. "Sometimes though I don't feel…human."
"We don't think of you like that," Pam said. "A prissy little dumbass yeah, but not an inhuman monster."
"You're too girly to be a monster," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "So annoying!"
"Thanks a lot," Ray said sarcastically. "I just don't like being seen as a lab rat either."
"I don't see you as a lab…rat," Krieger hesitated a moment.
"Do I even want to know what you see me as?" Ray groaned. "On second thought, no I don't."
"Oh come on Ray!" Pam groaned. "Krieger experiments on everyone and everything he can get his weird clone hands on. He even sees himself as an experiment. So how's he expected to see anyone else as a non-experiment?"
"How did you know that?" Krieger looked at her.
"Uh duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "It's so freaking obvious Clone Wars!"
Pam nodded and went on. "Even though you're not a Hitler clone, you're obviously some kind of weird Nazi clone experiment or a clone of a clone Nazi experiment. And let's face it, Ms. Archer murdering your father at a young age, kidnapping you and most likely brainwashing you couldn't have helped."
"Krieger…?" Ray was stunned as he looked at Krieger.
"Sometimes…" Krieger admitted. "I don't feel human either."
"I guess that is something we have in common," Ray admitted as he looked at Krieger holding his bionic hand. "Never really thought about it like that before…"
"I think we have had a real breakthrough today!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "And seriously Pam you are so soft and cuddly. I should take you to bed more often. With or without sex."
"Awww…" Pam said as she hugged Cheryl.
"Okay so here's the deal," Ray let out a breath. "Every now and then we do this. Only when we really need it. And we don't tell anyone else about it. Got it?"
"Like a secret club?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah, pretty much," Pam said.
"We're back…" Mallory announced before she and Cyril walked into the room. "Surprise, Cyril was actually right about it not taking…"
They both stopped and looked at the sight before them. "Hey Ms. Archer!" Pam called out. "Cyril! Come join our Cuddle Puddle! You can be members of our new club too!"
To this both Mallory and Cyril responded by simply turning around and walking away.
"Just when I think that lot cannot get any more depraved…" Mallory muttered. "They find a new sewer of depravity that sinks even lower underground."
"Well you did tell them to do something," Cyril sighed.
"And I am doing something now…" Mallory groaned. "I am going to go to a bar and get a drink!"
"I'll join you," Cyril groaned.
"Please don't," Mallory grumbled. Cyril gave her a look. "Don't look at me like that Cyril. You're just as depraved as that lot! You'd do it with any desperate pathetic woman who would let her touch you!"
"I had sex with you…" Cyril reminded her. "So yeah, I guess you're right!"
"Oh dear God that's right," Mallory groaned. "Now I really do need that drink…"