James looked at death as that inevitable end that he would do everything in
his power to avoid. Death was just something that happened to people,
whether provoked or deliberate. It didn't help to be afraid of it. It
didn't help to hinder yourself because you saw it round every bend. But he
often wondered about it. The innocent, childish musings of life after
death.
When he was a kid, like now, he was never afraid of death...or even of G-d.
Lily had often tried to talk him into believing in a higher power, for the sake of the child. But he would never give in. He just couldn't. Growing up, seeing the pain and misery he saw, no one could possibly believe that any righteous G-d would do that to His people. James had never known that a family could be as vile as that of Sirius. He never thought that someone could suffer so terribly from a condition like Remus'. Yet people did, every day, and that was why James just couldn't bring himself to believe in a G-d.
But G-d was not the subject of thought, not now. Maybe in a while, after he started to fully understand death. Fully understand what had happened.
After James joined the Order, that was when he and death began to become better acquainted. As a Marauder, death was often the brunt of jokes. Yet no one was laughing when the warm corpse of the man who had been fighting beside you was staring up at the starless sky.
This numbed him. This made him loose the little respect he had had for bereavement. There was no point in fearing it, in being anxious about the coming of it. It would come in its own good time. It came for everyone.
And it had finally come for him.
Now he was in total and complete darkness. He could feel his physical body slumped against a smooth carpet. He knew the carpet was of a deep burgundy, not because of blood, but because that was the color that Lily had picked out to go in their bedroom. Yes, he was in the bedroom. He remembered now. There was light and there was screaming and there was crying, and then he knew nothing but black darkness.
It felt as if he had been broken down to his original elements. Dust and energy. There was static charge running up and down his invisible limbs, in and out of what used to be his head. He was dead. There was no doubt about this. He was as dead as it was possible to be. And yet he couldn't figure out why. What had happened? Where was Lily? Where was his baby?
Slowly and insidiously the memories smacked into his once alive brain.
Voldemort.
There was no sense in fearing the name now. There was nothing the Dark Lord could do to you once you were already dead.
And Lily was dead too. He knew it was the truth, and the truth didn't seem to be as painful as it would have been if he were still alive.
They were both dead. But why?
Peter. Peter had betrayed them. That was the only answer. Voldemort wouldn't have been able to find their home otherwise. The...the bastard! Like the rat he was, he had ratted them out!
Lily had been doubtful of Sirius' faithfulness. She had said that she thought he might be 'leaning the wrong way'. He was always the darkest of the group...and with a family history like he had had... So they changed their decision. Instead of James' best fried, they looked to Peter. The quiet one, the loyal one. But apparently his loyalties lain with someone else now.
Why had James been so blind? He had trusted Peter with his life! Peter fucking Pettigrew! Was he insane?! The man was a nit-wit! A disgustingly inferior wizard and a sheep that would follow anyone that gave him even a nod. James knew that Sirius was more trustworthy. And even if he had been having doubts, why didn't he simply go to Remus?
He wished he could change the past. He wished against all else that he could make different decisions, for the sake of Lily...for the sake of Harry.
Yet some things you couldn't change. Especially when the thing you were trying to avoid had already happened.
((ok...my first try at an angst fic! I'm testing the waters, I am. I don't like the ending at all, though. I think there needs to be more, but I don't know what. If you review (if? No...there is no 'if' here....WHEN you review) can you please maybe make a suggestion of something I could add? Ok...thanks! All my love, ~Lizney Wolf~))
When he was a kid, like now, he was never afraid of death...or even of G-d.
Lily had often tried to talk him into believing in a higher power, for the sake of the child. But he would never give in. He just couldn't. Growing up, seeing the pain and misery he saw, no one could possibly believe that any righteous G-d would do that to His people. James had never known that a family could be as vile as that of Sirius. He never thought that someone could suffer so terribly from a condition like Remus'. Yet people did, every day, and that was why James just couldn't bring himself to believe in a G-d.
But G-d was not the subject of thought, not now. Maybe in a while, after he started to fully understand death. Fully understand what had happened.
After James joined the Order, that was when he and death began to become better acquainted. As a Marauder, death was often the brunt of jokes. Yet no one was laughing when the warm corpse of the man who had been fighting beside you was staring up at the starless sky.
This numbed him. This made him loose the little respect he had had for bereavement. There was no point in fearing it, in being anxious about the coming of it. It would come in its own good time. It came for everyone.
And it had finally come for him.
Now he was in total and complete darkness. He could feel his physical body slumped against a smooth carpet. He knew the carpet was of a deep burgundy, not because of blood, but because that was the color that Lily had picked out to go in their bedroom. Yes, he was in the bedroom. He remembered now. There was light and there was screaming and there was crying, and then he knew nothing but black darkness.
It felt as if he had been broken down to his original elements. Dust and energy. There was static charge running up and down his invisible limbs, in and out of what used to be his head. He was dead. There was no doubt about this. He was as dead as it was possible to be. And yet he couldn't figure out why. What had happened? Where was Lily? Where was his baby?
Slowly and insidiously the memories smacked into his once alive brain.
Voldemort.
There was no sense in fearing the name now. There was nothing the Dark Lord could do to you once you were already dead.
And Lily was dead too. He knew it was the truth, and the truth didn't seem to be as painful as it would have been if he were still alive.
They were both dead. But why?
Peter. Peter had betrayed them. That was the only answer. Voldemort wouldn't have been able to find their home otherwise. The...the bastard! Like the rat he was, he had ratted them out!
Lily had been doubtful of Sirius' faithfulness. She had said that she thought he might be 'leaning the wrong way'. He was always the darkest of the group...and with a family history like he had had... So they changed their decision. Instead of James' best fried, they looked to Peter. The quiet one, the loyal one. But apparently his loyalties lain with someone else now.
Why had James been so blind? He had trusted Peter with his life! Peter fucking Pettigrew! Was he insane?! The man was a nit-wit! A disgustingly inferior wizard and a sheep that would follow anyone that gave him even a nod. James knew that Sirius was more trustworthy. And even if he had been having doubts, why didn't he simply go to Remus?
He wished he could change the past. He wished against all else that he could make different decisions, for the sake of Lily...for the sake of Harry.
Yet some things you couldn't change. Especially when the thing you were trying to avoid had already happened.
((ok...my first try at an angst fic! I'm testing the waters, I am. I don't like the ending at all, though. I think there needs to be more, but I don't know what. If you review (if? No...there is no 'if' here....WHEN you review) can you please maybe make a suggestion of something I could add? Ok...thanks! All my love, ~Lizney Wolf~))