For you
AN: This is a little one-shot that I wrote in two days. The following is Draco Malfoy's journal. It takes place post Hogwarts after the war. Let me know what you think!
July 17th
Something is striking about the way she moves. She carries herself with an eloquence that I often became utterly entranced by. I could not bring myself to look away. When she wasn't around I closed my eyes and imagined her walking. Just walking. Simple and beautiful.
Nothing else gave me that peace. That utter bliss. She was the only person on earth that would ever inspire me to such feelings.
I love her so much it hurts. This emotion eats me from within, slowly burning away at my body until I have nothing left.
I live only for her. I only wake up in the morning, force myself to eat, and lie awake in my bed at night for her. If she didn't exist, neither would I. My soul would be empty, a person, still, but with no purpose, no light behind the eyes.
Sometimes I do feel like a walking ghost. I have no desire to speak. None at all. Only when it is required of me to mutter, "Yes, lord."
It is true. I have succumbed to my father's and the dark lord's bidding. I am a death eater, and must remain so. No choice is given to me. I would die quite easily if I ever decided to run. Only a fool would attempt it.
But, sometimes I ask myself, would death be so bad? With death I would only be ceasing the torment that is my being. I would be doing the world a favor, to rid them of Draco Malfoy.
Still, this I could never do. In ending my life, I would never know what she thought of me. I would never know what would have happened if I had kissed her… Told her I loved her… I would never know what it felt like to be with her, truly love and have that love returned.
I'm not saying I believe that after you die you continue thinking in any way- No. But by committing suicide, it would be admitting to myself that I had given up. I could only ever imagine the sensation of holding her in my arms, and never experience it in reality.
It is still very difficult for me to think her name, let alone say it. I fear that if I let it slip into my mind, I would never let go of it. It is too much of a risk to show emotion in the presence of the Dark Lord.
Not that I have forgotten the name. Oh, no. It is the most beautiful name I have ever heard. Fitting of the one who possesses it.
If I ever have children, I will name my child Hermione.
Shit.
My skin burns. The Dark Lord calls. I must rid this name from my mind. I must block it out. I must-
July 18th
He knows. I could not hide that emotion. He knows of my powerful raging love for Hermione Granger. And he has fixed that problem.
Oh cruel world, why have I come to this?
A sly, twisting smile curled onto the man's face when he read my thoughts.
"Ahh… I see. Mr. Malfoy, I have a task for you. My faithful death eaters may have no other purpose in life- no other desires but to please me. I see this is not the case for you. I want you to travel to London, and kill Hermione Granger."
No other words have inflicted quite so much pain on me. It took every ounce of strength to keep myself from cursing the sick, evil man on the spot.
So now what do I do? I have apparated into London and must find where she is hiding.
According to the Dark Lord's sources, after aiding in the battle that ended in Potter's death, she gave up on life and fled to London. My guess is that she is going to wait it out until this dreadful war has ended.
I will ask around and try to uncover her location. Once I know where she has gone, I don't know what I'll do.
July 19th
My thoughts are racing… I don't know what to make of what has just happened.
I had wandered into a pub, to clear my head. As soon as I sat down, I saw her. For a moment I just stared, dumbfounded and shocked. Luckily, I had the sense to look away before she could turn her head and see me. I feel like… What do I feel like?
I don't understand these emotions. I want to die, part of me would willingly cease this torture, but I so badly want to live. Live like I have never lived before.
Seeing Hermione has changed everything but nothing. It has intensified the situation. She is possibly more beautiful than ever before as a grown adult. She was over in the corner of the bar, ordering a beer when I saw her. Her face drooped, her features permanently sunken with grief. I guess she hasn't been out much since the tragedy of five years ago- Our seventh year in Hogwarts and the battle that ended all hope of defeating Voldemort.
Her voice… melancholy and woeful. Her hair was not tamed; her robes were worn and ragged. She had probably lost everything. Harry is dead; Ron is dead, Neville gone as well. Very few muggle borns have survived. She is one of those lucky.
And Dumbledore had been dead for some time.
I must not think about that day… The day I failed to fulfill my task. I still feel a mix of shame and pride. I am not a killer, but I should be. I am a death eater, but I should not be.
What are the chances Hermione will be at the pub tomorrow as well? What will I do if I see her? I suppose I will have to let my instincts guide me.
July 20th
She was there again- For hours on end. I watched her drown her troubles in alcohol for a very long time. I will return again tomorrow.
July 21st
I sat a few seats closer to her today, daring her to notice me. And she did. I will document our conversation:
"Draco Malfoy," She suddenly turned to me, staring me straight in the eye. I was momentarily filled with an impulse to grab her and kiss her. But I couldn't. It was not part of the plan.
"I…"
"Are you here to kill me? Had your Dark Lord sent you?" if I was not mistaken, I maybe detected a hint of fear in her eyes.
But she could not have been more correct. "No-"
"You have been watching me for some time. Why are you here?" Her voice was beautiful and sweet, even when she tried to be menacing, my heart melted.
"I'm just here."
"You mean it's a coincidence that we've been in the same bar for three days in a row, both seeing each other but saying nothing?"
"Yes, it is."
"Really."
"Can I… speak to you, possibly?"
"We're speaking now."
"No. In private."
I led her through a door that opened up to a dark empty alleyway. Suddenly a solution was clear in my mind.
"You have to get out of here."
"What?"
"You were right. I was sent here to kill you, but I have no intention of doing so. I need you to run… Fake your death…"
"Whoa, slow down. Why does Voldemort want me dead? I thought he decided I was no longer a threat."
"You aren't."
"Then why are you here to kill me?"
"Because…" She wanted to get to the point, and so I would. "The Dark Lord discovered… that I had feelings for you."
"What?"
"I know."
"You're lying to me."
"I'm not."
"Tell me the truth!" she whipped out her wand from under her robes and directed it at my throat, but I didn't flinch.
"Don't bother. I have nothing to lose. Kill me now, if that's what you want."
"Tell… me… the… truth…" her voice shook as she spoke.
"I am."
"Then say it."
"Say what?"
"Don't beat around the bush. What are these feelings?"
I decided it was too late to get out now. No regrets. "I'm in love with you, Hermione."
Her wand lowered slightly, but she said nothing.
"I love you so much it hurts. I have for years now… I can't stand it any longer… I can't…" I then slowly sunk to the ground, head in hands, released. I had finally said it. I had voiced my feelings.
"And Voldemort knows?" I nodded. "So he sent you here to end it." I nodded again. "He understands nothing."
"Please leave. You have to go," I pleaded with her. And with a cracking sound, she was gone. I will likely never see her again.
I now must go see the Dark Lord. I must tell him my task is complete. I may not ever come back. He will read my thoughts and he will know. But I don't care. I told her. That is all I ever needed in life- To see her again.
When he discovers what I have done, he will kill me. But before I leave, I will send this journal to Hermione, and she will know what I have done for her.
She will know that I lived for her, and that I died for her.
(AN: Please R&R!)