She was sitting by the fireplace, Lily Evans. He had been examining the map in bed when he had spotted her name alone in the common room. Originally, James had been pondering what new mischief he and the boys could get up to now they were back for their sixth year, but on seeing her name out of bed curiosity had gotten the better of him. He knew very well how hard it usually was to get her on her own. It was part of the reason he had made such a fool of himself last year trying to get her to notice him.
At the welcome feast earlier that evening he had chanced several looks over to where she was sitting; she had never caught his eye. The last time they had directly spoke had ended with Lily comparing him to an aspiring Death Eater, and they had attempted to avoid each other for the last few weeks of term following the event. Had he deserved it? James wasn't even sure. But it had damn well hurt that she had said it.
On the occasions he had seen her at the end of last term James couldn't help himself noticing how downright miserable she had looked. Oh, she would laugh where she was supposed to and she still joined in the idle chit chat expected of her. But when she thought no one was watching the sadness would settle into her eyes. While he wasn't sure why Snivellus was worthy of any grief on her part, he had felt the guilt for his role in their fall out. Yet, he reasoned to himself, it was ultimately the greasy git's fault. No matter how angry any hypothetical muggleborn made James, that word would never slip out- he knew it. It most certainly wouldn't come out regarding someone James considered a friend. Further-to-that, Lily shouldn't even have been the source of Snape's anger.
However, James' guilty feeling had weighed on him all summer. He had even considered asking Marlene to give him Lily's address so he could send a letter, but Gryffindor courage had failed him.
One of the dorm steps creaked under him as he looked at her and she gave a little start before turning to look at him with wide eyes.
"Oh, hello Potter," she said, it was hard to decipher how she felt about his presence.
"Evans," he replied with his hand in his hair, "trouble sleeping?"
"Something like that," she turned back to the fireplace, wrapping her blanket tighter around herself.
There was so much he wanted to say, but somehow around her he always said the wrong thing. Maybe he would be better off just leaving now so that he couldn't embarrass himself.
He somehow found himself speaking. "I know you're probably still angry for what happened. But I'm truly sorry for how you ended up getting hurt …because of me. I just…really want us to get along this year… if we can,"
She was silent for a moment and with a flash of annoyance and hurt James thought it would be best if he did just sneak off now.
"I'm not actually mad at you," came Lily's voice from the chair.
James paused on the stairs to the boys' dormitory and looked over to her place by the fire. Did she want him to stay? He never did know what to do for the best with her.
"I… I shouldn't have snapped at you like I did," she continued, she seemed unable to look at him while she said this, "Y'know, how I said you were as bad as him,"
Ignoring every ounce of common sense he possessed- which was telling him to just go to bed in case he ended up pissing her off even more- James cautiously walked back over to Lily and sat in the chair next to hers. Her big green eyes turned to him. While the fire light flickered on her face and made her look prettier than ever, James noticed that she looked exhausted; like she had a great weight on her shoulders. She also looked thinner than she had when he had last seen her; her cheeks looked more hollow, the jumper she was wearing hung off her shoulders and revealed her collar bone. The differences may not have even been that obvious to most people, but James had spent a significant amount of his time last year analysing her appearance.
"Don't get me wrong," she continued, "I do think you're arrogant. And I hate how you go around hexing people randomly, so I don't take that back. I don't think you're anything like an aspiring Death Eater though, so I'm sorry for… that,"
"Well yeah, I didn't exactly like you associating me with that blood purity bollocks," he said in a hard voice, but then he shrugged and continued in a gentler tone, "It hurt me at the time, you saying that, I hated that you thought so low of me. I got over it though," he gave her a small smile and felt his stomach clench when she returned it, "I guess I just didn't get how you could have been so upset about that git,"
She frowned slightly and looked back at the fire. For one moment James thought she was upset about the insult he had used for Snape. He felt a little stirring of irritation.
"D'you remember how we met on the train in first year?" Lily asked.
James felt his cheeks redden slightly. He didn't like thinking about how he had acted to her in their early years of Hogwarts. It made it even more unlikely that she would ever go out with him.
"You interrupted when Snape started talking about Slytherin," she continued, ignoring his embarrassment (which James was grateful for), "but before that we were talking about my sister, Petunia,"
"I didn't know you had a sister," James admitted.
Lily shrugged, "Marlene and Mary have had to put up with a few rants about her, but I don't like to talk about her much otherwise."
"Okay," James responded, thinking that sounded like a delicate topic, "but you were talking about her with Snape?"
"Yeah," said Lily with a sad smile to herself, "because he knows Petunia too. I knew Snape before Hogwarts, he was actually the one who told me about magic. He explained why it was that I could float from the swing without hurting myself and how I could always get the biscuits, no matter where my mum hid them."
James couldn't help himself inwardly smiling at the thought of a younger Lily winding up her mum, the picture just slightly tainted by the addition of Snivellus, "Oh. Well… I knew the two of you were on good terms, but I didn't know you knew each other that well,"
Lily smiled at him again, "I had to defend him to the girls a lot, since sometime in third year, they couldn't understand why I still gave him my time. In a way what happened at the end of last year kind of forced me to wake up to the truth. I've been in denial for a long time I think. The signs might've even been there from the start," she trailed off looking lost in thought.
They sat in silence for a while, James had no idea what to say. He couldn't say he was sorry for the fall out because he didn't see how any good could have come out of Lily Evans and Severus Snape remaining friends. His reasoning went beyond his own selfish daydreams, Lily would have ended up hurt; he was sure of it.
"I'm sorry, you're so sad about it," he said eventually.
She turned her beautiful eyes on him again, her eye lashes were so long and pretty even without her make up on, "thanks, but it's not just him,"
Sensing that she didn't wish to explain what else it was upsetting her currently, James dropped back into silence. He wanted to snuggle up in the chair with her and kiss her until she smiled again. However, this would most definitely not help the slight progress he felt he had made.
"I went out with a muggle boy over summer," she blurted out after a while.
James felt his stomach lurch with jealousy, was she just trying to hurt him now?
"Oh," he said with gritted teeth, "and you're sad about him too?"
She noticed his tone and actually looked apologetic, "Actually, not really. What I meant to explain was that I tried to be a muggle over summer, tried to see if I would be better off,"
Eyes wide, James thought he knew what she was getting at, Lily had thought about dropping out of Hogwarts. "You can't give up being a witch!" He exclaimed, "certainly not because of Snivellus! There are plenty of other people here who appreciate you- you're brilliant, and popular!". Certainly more popular with boys than I would like, he thought to himself.
She turned to him with a soft look on her face, "Thank you," she said, "but it was just a passing thought. I am a witch, there's no changing that, even if I do still have muggle interests. No one is going to bully me out of this,"
Lily then got up with a yawn. James wanted to ask her to stay longer. Wanted her to explain what else was making her sad, wanted her to explain the muggle interests he was so clueless about. He didn't push his luck though, it had always ended in disaster when he had clumsily tried to grab her attention before.
She turned to him before she began the ascent to the girls' dorms, "…thanks."
"Erm, anytime," James responded, not certain what exactly he had done but feeling a sense of accomplishment none-the-less.
She smiled at him again as she continued on to bed, and James was left to ponder the conversation. He felt hopeful that maybe… just maybe… things might be very different this year.
For anyone reading my other fic I am still working on the next chapter, sorry! In the meantime I just got the idea into my head for this little series of short moments in Lily and James' lives where they comfort each other. I think there will be about 3/4 chapters in this. Hope you enjoyed!