Ways to piss off Voldemort
By a lonely house elf
Steal his red contacts.
Krazy glue a Mohawk to his head. A pink one.
Spray tan him while he's sleeping and make sure his palms are bright orange.
Set him up on a blind date with Umbridge.
Send him a howler than when opened (or ignored) says "Avada Kedavra"
Make a life-size cut-out of Dumbledore and place it next to his bed so it's the first thing he sees when he wakes up.
Put a picture of Harry Potter in Slytherin's Locket.
Transfigure one of his horcruxes into a head of lettuce and feed it to a flobberworm.
Give him Leprechaun gold for his birthday and tell him not to spend it all in one place. When it disappears, tell him that you told him so.
Slip love potion into his tea that makes him fall madly in love with Draco Malfoy.
Leave a box of chocolates from a "secret admirer" on his pillow. Make sure the box is pink with lots of lace a sequins.
Tell him, in Parseltongue, that he greatly resembles a basilisk.
Transfigure him into a small dog and give him to Paris Hilton.
Tell him he's going to a "We hate Harry Potter" convention in Chicago, and sign him up for an Oprah episode about abusive, controlling people and how to deal with them.
When he's feeling grumpy, give him a Midol.
Sign him up for a L'Oreal commercial, because he's worth it.
Ask him if the reason behind the obsession with Harry Potter is because he has a secret crush on him. Promise to keep it a secret.
Call him Lord Moldyshorts.
Make him a myspace page having Harry Potter as his top friend, and photoshop pictures of him worshipping an HP shrine.
Ask him if he got the no-nose idea from Michael Jackson. Then ask him if he is going to start "sharing beds" with the children of Death Eaters.
At a DE meeting, place a large poster of him and, with a laser pointer, go over every detail of him.
Ask why he can't kill a teenage boy, even though he's not protected by love anymore.
Ask why he has to be so dramatic all of the time.
Send him to anger management classes.
When he says he's the best, remind him that he's only third best. Pull out a picture of Harry and Dumbledore and stroke it fondly.
Fart very loudly and tell him that he is lucky for not having a nose, because it really smells.
Tell him that Malfoy insists on being called Lucy and is going to refer to The Dark Lord as Ricky Retardo.
When he storms out of a room, make sure to put your foot in front of his legs. When he's on the floor, smile and ask him what he's doing down there.
When he sets out to kill someone, hum the theme for the Wicked Witch of the West.
Sit in his armchair and place pictures of Hogwarts alumni that have succeeded on every nearby table. Tell him you put them there to remind him how he's done. Make sure the biggest portrait is of Dumbledore laughing.
Glue hair all over his robes, and when he puts them on, insist he's been drinking Polyjuice Potion with cat hair in it and pet him gently saying "Pretty Kitty!"
Run around in a Death eater mask saying "Tom, I am your fathah!"
Invite a group of young muggle children to the mansion and tell them "fictional" stories about how Voldie has failed to kill the great and powerful Harry Potter. Make sure it's at the same time as a DE meeting.
Replace his wand with one of Fred and George's trick ones. Make him mad and when he tries to do the killing curse and a rubber chicken appears in his hand, laugh hysterically.
When the Death Eaters are plotting against Harry Potter, hum the Mission Impossible theme.
Fly around the room on a broom autographed by Harry Potter and sing "I believe I can fly! I'm about to be killed by a crazy guy!"
In the middle of a DE meeting, Interrupt very loudly to tell him that his Harry called and said he would love to record Teletubbies for him.
Order a lot of gay porn, dildos, and things like that. Walk in on the next DE dinner, dump it all on the table, and tell him that you've maxed out all of your credit cards buying the shit for him!
Buy him a brand new cane and tell him that vertical stripes are very slimming.
Buy him a very big fur coat, fur hat, and pimp cane, then go around blasting hip-hop while telling him to "smack a hoe"
Ask him a very simple question such as "What color is that chair?" And every time he answers ask "Why".
Cover yourself in an invisibility cloak and walk into his office. Start knocking everything off the shelves, breaking as much as you can, and whisper "whoooooooo" when you get close to him.
Walk around his office while he's pacing and smack his butt. Ask him if he likes it. Keep doing it, regardless of the answer, and after a while tell him that he'd better like it or you'll go Crucio on his ass!
Run through the streets screaming "He's going to kill me!" When he drags you back inside the house, ask him why he didn't ask if you were okay. When he does, say "You're trying to kill me, what do you think?"
Knit him a scarf with the initials HJP on it and insist that he wear it as often as possible.
Whenever out in public with him, scream, and jump on his back, saying "I missed you, Mommy!"
As DEs are leaving a meeting, make sure to send them off with complimentary pictures of Tommy with his very first diaper rash. Make sure to point out the boils around his "You-know-what" and say that he has very sensitive skin.
During a meeting, run and scream "Honey! It's time to take your yeast infection pill!"
Follow him around with tampons saying "I will not keep washing your bloody underwear!" whenever a Death Eater is around.
At a DE dinner, tell him that his daughter called and wanted to know if you are still taking her to the zoo on Saturday. When the Death Eaters ask if he has a daughter say "Well, Harry was having a little trouble with impregnating him, so they had to adopt a 12 year old girl from muggle China. He's a very good father. Always taking her to the ballet, giving her the talk…."
Sit in his lap at the dinner table and "accidentally" get in the way of his eating.
Ask him why he doesn't have a cool scar.
On Monday, wake him up my singing the song by the Mamas and the Papas. Tuesday, I'm walking on sunshine, Wednesday, I've got you, Babe, and so on.
Constantly chew bubble gum with your mouth wide open, and sing about how beautiful cows look when they're grazing.
Say "Like taking candy from a baby" whenever something is easy, then follow by saying "Of course SOME might find that a little harder than others." and look directly at him.
Play Ding-Dong-Ditch on his door late at night, and when he comes to find out who did it, snore extremely loudly.
Call him "The-man-who-let-the-boy-live"
Insist that you've met chunks of cheese with plans more cunning than his.
When he calls you to his lair, sing "I'm off to see the Wizard, the wizard who can't kill a toddler!"
Insist that his new lair should be the basement of the nearest Wal-Mart.
Pinch him, and when he asks why you did it, tell him you thought you were dreaming. Then tell him it can't be a dream if Harry Potter's not giving you chocolate.
Glue caterpillars to his face while he's sleeping.
Be cheerful.
Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like "It's your funeral."
Tease him about his middle name. "Marvolo? What is that? A washing detergent?"
Greet him in the mornings with a "My, Sir. You look particularly menacing today." And make sure you have a huge grin on your face.
Keep a good behavior chart. When he's good, give him stars, and when he's good for a week, give him a badge saying "I'm shooting for the stars!"
Color with permanent marker Potter-Style glasses on his face while he's sleeping.
Apparate in and out of a room repeatedly for hours, laughing maniacally. Then when he tells you to stop, look at him blankly and ask "Stop what?"
Set off Party Poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes.
When he's in the midst of plotting a very important plan, whisper "Did you ever have a girlfriend? Like ever?"
Get finger puppets resembling himself and Harry Potter, and re-enact all of his losses, makign sure to give them both extremely squeaky voices.
Sing "Doncha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me?" Then laugh and say "Oh wait, YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"
Ask him to give you all his revenge plans before actually doing them. When he says no, take them anyway and correct his spelling.
Make him watch "The Music Man." And when he begs for it to stop, put on Mr. Rogers.
When he's having plan-block, levitate a light bulb above his head and smile sheepishly.
Buy him a stress ball with Harry potter's face on it.
Put lavender scented soap on his pillow before he goes to bed.
Give him a purse filled with Chiclets.
When he laughs maniacally, offer him a tic tac.
Whack him in the eye and say "Mosquito"
Start roasting Nagini, and offer him some.
Imperio the Death Eaters into a chorus of "Do you believe in magic?"
Throw him a Care-Bears birthday party.
Dress up for Halloween as a "Dumblebee".
Use cutesy phrases like "Pushing up daisies" and "smooth as a baby's bottom" as often as possible.
Ask "Are you sure the evil-guy-out-for-revenge-against-the-whole-world thing isn't getting old?" And then run….
Get him to play scrabble with you and insist "xyqzf" is a word.
Remind him that, according to the Ministry, he isn't actually alive.
Write him a theme song and sing it very loudly and off-key whenever he's about to do anything.
Read him bedtime stories. "The Ugly Duckling" being the most read.
Turn his closet into a Ginny Weasley shrine and insist that it will help him get closer to the mind of Harry.
Write a story about a super hero (Hairy Potty) defeating the evil villain Moldyshorts, and then laugh about how he still loses, even to a toilet.
Sign him up for Little League. Make sure he's on the team with the brightest color jersey.
Throw biscuits at him constantly and yell "Food fight!"
Imperio him into completely finishing the New York Times crossword puzzle every morning in at most five minutes.
Tell people that all he needs is a really big hug, then give him a nice, good cuddle to prove your point.
Bring out a big banjo at Death Eater meetings and start singing Kumbayah.
Sew sequins and lace on his robes and coat them with glitter.
Be alive.