A/N: This one-shot is actually a companion to the two one shots I did a long time ago in Piz's point of view, "Everything She Does Is For You" and "Not the One You Need." Being the LoVe fan girl that I am (I regret nothing); I had to bring it back around to this. This completes the kind-of-trilogy, in Veronica's POV as she confronts Logan after their respective conversations with Piz. Enjoy, and vote in my poll if you would like to see another Multi-Chaptered Veronica Mars story as my next project, (or vote for a different category if you'd like or don't vote at all that's okay too :P). R&R! Thanks! –Mac
Disclaimer: I don't own.
Your Love Will Be The Death Of Me
Veronica sat in the same position for at least twenty minutes after Piz left the office. Part of her was in shock that Piz was the one to break up with her. She had thought the puppy love infatuation he had harbored for her for so long before they even got together would be enough to hold onto him for a lot longer than this. Yet, the other part of her was more surprised that she hadn't seen it coming. Piz was nothing if not predictable—that was why she had found him to be a better suited boy than Logan—and she should have seen that he would be intimidated by what she once had with Logan.
Her first instinct was to blame Logan for finding a way to ruin her life even when he wasn't a part of it anymore. She had to push that aside, because if she really forced herself to look at the situation objectively (like the talented detective that she was) the only person she could place the blame on was herself. That was something she usually avoided doing because she had always had Logan to use as a scapegoat. This whole problem was the result of placing unnecessary blame on others. She pushed Logan away because it was his fault that they couldn't be together. She hurt him and herself in the process. It was inevitable that she would hurt Piz along the way as well, because as much as she pushed Logan away, the pull he had over her had always been stronger. Her relationship with Piz was never meant to work out. She just hated that he had figured out why.
Not only had he figured it out, but he had told her to her face exactly what her very secret thoughts were.
Now she had two choices. She could pass everything Piz said off as ridiculous and completely disregard it so she could go on with her life as it was. Or she could take everything Piz said as a wakeup call and fix the mess she had made. In other words, she could do what she always did and run, or she could finally face their problems head on.
The answer was almost too easy.
Veronica finally stood from the couch and walked back over to her desk. She put away the files she was finished with and packed up a few she still needed to work on to take home with her. She needed ice cream and to curl up on her couch at home with Backup, so she could forget this day ever happened.
She had a plan when she got into her car—home, ice cream, Backup, possibly convince her dad to bring home lasagna—but when she pulled away from the office, the plan flew out the window. Veronica found herself driving in the direction of the Grand instead of her apartment. It was a sudden impulse that turned her in the opposite direction of where she panned, and she wasn't quite sure why she gave into it when nearly every part of her told her she shouldn't. By the time she began to talk herself into turning around, she was already parked outside the Grand. By then, she doubted her decision to run, because, when she thought about it, running had never done her any good. Everyone still got hurt in the end. She began to think maybe the best thing to do would be to at least talk to Logan. They had never really talked about their problems and maybe it was time to have that conversation. Maybe it was time for her to have that conversation.
Using the elevator ride to compose herself, she made her way toward Logan's suite. When she reached his door, she had put on a straight face and was ready for the confrontation. She knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer. In her head, Logan opened the door, swept her inside and said everything she ever wanted him to say so she wouldn't have to drudge up the words she knew she came to say. When the door opened, though, it was Dick on the other side.
"Ronnie," he said enthusiastically, "Didn't think I would be seeing you around any time soon. Come on in, make yourself at home. Dick's casa es su casa. You're probably looking for Logan. He's not here, but he should be back…sometime."
Veronica moved inside at Dick's inviting gesture. She felt awkward as she followed him toward the center of the room. She started to think it would be better if she left now before Logan got back. There was still time to escape before she did something stupid, but Dick was waving for her to sit down as he headed toward their makeshift bar. He offered her a drink, which she declined. Every muscle in her body tense, Veronica forced herself to sit down on the couch. She could wait ten minutes—if Logan didn't show up by then, she would leave.
Dick stopped in the middle of fixing himself a drink and turned back to look at her. He scrunched up his brow, "You're quiet. You always have something to say, Ronnie. Usually, you'd have talked my ear off by now—generally about something you were accusing me of doing wrong. What's up with you?"
Veronica opened her mouth to respond but she didn't have words to explain herself. She twisted her lips, and shrugged instead.
"Veronica Mars has nothing to say, that's a new one," Dick said. "Or are you saving your breath to rail on Logan? You should really cut the guy some slack. It's obvious the dude loves you. He wouldn't have stuck through half the crap that was dished out if he didn't."
Veronica stood up, "I should probably come back another time. Maybe I should have called first or something."
"It's up to you. You're welcome to stay," Dick put his hands up.
"Do you know where Logan went?" Veronica asked.
"That's a negative."
She nodded, "I'll go. Thanks for…not slamming the door in my face."
"Why would I do that? We're bunds now, yeah?" Dick replied, as he followed her to the door. He held it open for her so he could say one final thing before she disappeared down the hall. "Besides, I figure if you're here, then Logan can't be moping about how you won't talk to him."
"I'll see you around Dick."
"Back at 'cha, Ronnie."
Veronica got back into her car and headed in the direction she should have gone in the first place. A part of her was relieved that she didn't have to go through with it—even if Dick told Logan that she was there, she now had time to come up with some excuse for why she had shown up at his door. She was so busy contemplating the story she would tell if Logan asked about her unexpected and brief visit, that she didn't notice him until she was right in front of him. Logan was leaning against the railing by her front door. A flash of resentment at him for catching her at the exact moment she decided she didn't want to see him after all shot through her. She swallowed down the anger, because it occurred to her that he wasn't privy to her internalized dilemma and couldn't possibly know that his presence was a direct violation of the story she was concocting to explain her unexplained visit he surely had no idea had occurred. Confusing even herself with her last train of thought, she instead invited him into her apartment with a silent gesture. She figured she could at least hear him out, because it was brave for him to turn up on her doorstep when as far as he knew, she still wanted nothing to do with him.
Once inside the comfort of the apartment, they both still remained silent. Veronica guessed she should offer Logan a seat, or something to drink, or do something, anything at all, but she couldn't. She was aware of Logan watching her intently and the intensity of his gaze on her was as unsettling as ever. She thought she was giving him the opportunity to speak his part, but he didn't say a word. She wondered if maybe this was just another of those power struggles they were so prone to—who would crack first, who would break down and show weakness first, who would run first. Veronica wasn't going to run anymore and it seemed Logan wasn't going anywhere either—so until someone spoke up, it was unclear who would come out the victor in this one.
Finally after minutes that felt like years, Logan said, "So, I heard you and Piz broke up."
"News certainly travels faster than I originally thought, considering I wasn't aware anyone but me and him knew," Veronica replied. This was an unexpected start of their conversation. Where she had gone over the hundreds of possible ways this could have gone, this wasn't even on the list.
"It helped that I had a heads up from Piz before he talked to you," Logan said, "And I got a text from Dick a couple minutes ago, saying you dropped by the suite."
Veronica wasn't sure which of the two statements to respond to first. Her first instinct was to comment on Dick's quick response to tell on her, but that was before what Logan had said about Piz had sunk in. Piz, who was understandably terrified of Logan, had purposefully sought him out to reveal his intention of breaking up with her. She was both surprised and angry. She had made it clear to everyone that Logan was no longer a part of her life. While her conversation with Piz had caused her to reevaluate that decision, this indiscretion had occurred prior to her revelation. She found it frustrating that she had underestimated Piz as much as she had.
"Piz told you he was going to break up with me?" Veronica asked and Logan nodded. "Why?"
Logan shrugged and remained silent, which made Veronica think he was keeping something from her.
"Why are you here then?" Veronica continued.
"I wanted to see if you were okay."
"I'm fine," Veronica said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Now, why are you really here?"
"Something Piz said, it got me thinking," Logan answered, but didn't elaborate further.
"He seems to be on a roll on that account," Veronica added, "He got me thinking about some things too."
"Is that why you turned up at the Grand?" Logan asked.
"You were already here, I assume, before I ever turned up at your door," Veronica tried to keep her expression straight and unrevealing. She wasn't sure where all this was going to take them yet. "Maybe you should have the floor first."
"When have you ever given me that opportunity, Veronica?" Logan shook his head to himself. "I'd like to hear what you've got to say, before I speak too soon or do something without thinking it through and make everything worse, as you've often pointed out I'm prone to doing."
"I don't know what to say," Veronica admitted with a sigh after a moment of trying to put her words together.
"Tell me what you would have said if I had been home when you knocked on my door," Logan suggested. He finally walked over and took a seat on the couch. "I'm actually curious."
"What Piz said, made me wonder why—why I tried so hard to convince myself that he was what I wanted, why I kept leading him on when deep down I knew it would never work, why I thought he wouldn't be able to see through my paper thin promises," Veronica began finally. She made the decision to, for once in her life, be completely honest with Logan and tell him absolutely everything she was thinking. "It led me to wonder why all my relationships have been following similar patterns. It made me wonder why I would say I loved Duncan until I was blue in the face, even when I was sure it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted, but I couldn't, I wouldn't even once honestly admit that I was ever in love with you. It made me think about the reasons why I would fight tooth and nail for them, but I would never fight for you."
"Veronica, if this is going to turn into a laundry list of all my faults, I don't know that I want to listen to it again. It's never gotten us anywhere and I've already suffered as much at your hands as I need to for a lifetime. It's not what I came here for, so please, spare me."
"No, Logan. This is…this is the list regarding my faults and I think you were right. You need to hear this first," Veronica shook her head. She was suddenly glad that she was standing across the room from Logan, because she wasn't sure she would be able to hold it together if he was any closer. She took a deep breath and continued, "Because this…this ache inside my chest is my fault. I caused it, because I'm stubborn and I'm stupid and it's hard for me to forgive and impossible for me to forget—unless of course, you drug me, but that's a stupid joke. I'm sorry."
Logan swallowed hard, "It's okay. I've heard worse. I live with Dick, if you recall. Inappropriate jokes are his forte."
"No, I'm sorry," Veronica repeated, "not about the joke, but about everything. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to let go of things that have happened in the past. You deserve better than to be judged for things that happened so long ago, because you're not the person you were then. What you are is human, and I'm the one who didn't want to allow you the ability to make mistakes. I can't blame you for not living up to my standards, because I set them at an impossible height. It's like I wanted you to fail, I wanted you to fall short because then it wouldn't be my fault. I wouldn't have to look at myself and the things I did wrong. I could pretend that everything was okay if I could lay all the blame on you. I wouldn't have to change if you were the one in the wrong. As much as I've tried to change you in the past, the truth of the matter is, I don't want you to change, because if you did, you wouldn't be the person I fell in love with anymore."
"Veronica—"
"Let me just get this out," Veronica cut him off. "There are things I wish were different, of course there are. There are things I wish you hadn't done, but I can't change the fact that they did. We can only accept the past and try to be better in the future. I know, now, that I need to be better too."
"Can I just say some—"
"I was scared," Veronica continued over Logan's interjection. She wasn't going to stop until she had said everything she had to say, because if she stopped she would never get herself to say it. Even as tears began to pool in her eyes, she continued, "I'm always scared. When I'm with you because I don't want to get hurt again and you're the one, the only one that means enough to me to hurt me beyond repair. But everything I've done to prevent that from happening has hurt me. I know that as much as I try not to feel things, I know you feel them two times over. You feel deeper and stronger than I ever could, so I know if I'm hurting, I must have broken you."
Logan breathed out a long breath, "We've been through a lot, Veronica. I've been hurt by everyone important to me at one time or another, but nothing has ever hurt me more than you telling me that I had lost you forever. I know you get scared, I know you run when things get scary. Piz said the same thing, you run when things get tough, but he also said that I'm the only one you've come back to. I honestly believed that you weren't coming back this time and that killed me Veronica. I thought, maybe, you were right. Maybe we were better off not being with each other."
"I was wrong," Veronica said. She moved across the room to sit next to Logan. "I could have been with Piz for a long time before I ever admitted that it was never going to work, I could spend years trying to make other relationship mean something, but it will always be you. I don't understand it, but I will always come back to you as hard as I've tried not to. Your love will be the death of me, but no one else will ever be good enough."
Logan laughed softly to himself, looking at his hands, "I came here to take responsibility for my part in all of this. I wanted to apologize for hurting you and to beg you to not close me out of your life forever. I thought you might blame me for Piz breaking up with you."
"I need to stop blaming you for things that couldn't possibly be your fault," Veronica replied, emitting a sniffling laugh. "We've both done and said things we're not proud of, but I think the only way to work through those problems is to do it together."
Logan turned to look at her and reached up a hand to push her hair out of her face. "I love you Veronica, you know that right? I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose. I never meant to hurt you."
"I know," Veronica said softly, leaning into his touch. "I love you too."
Logan smiled before he leaned forward to kiss her gently on the lips. He rested his forehead against hers and whispered, "Can I get used to you saying that?"
Veronica smiled back at him and nodded. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. It was the first time in a long time that she felt safe in his arms and that was a step in the right direction."
Veronica knew that it wasn't going to be easy—it was going to be as hard as ever. There were a lot of things they both needed to work on in order for this time to be different, but she believed in them. In the end, a push from an unexpected direction reminded her why they didn't write songs about the ones that came easy.