Yakusoku
June 2008. Tokyo.
Kaoru had to endure a second heartbreaking. At the grove of the fireflies near the city river, her heart, having been broken once already, paused achingly. The will to live is stronger than one could imagine, and she knew she just lost hers.
Life at the dojo she was running was too good for him, or so he says. He cannot bear another event that could put Kaoru inches away from harm. Lately, his enemies from the government have been silently keeping watch on him even after twelve of thirteen years of peace. Though there were several long stretches of tranquility at the Kamiya residence, it would always end with a sudden realization that Kenshin would never be relieved of his past. The last kidnapping, it was only by chance that Kenshin had found her. She was unconscious and wounded from the thigh up to the opposite side of her stomach. Someone had tried to gut her. Of course she lived through it, after weeks of house-arrest and insistent spoon-feeding. Yet Kenshin had no intention of seeing her like that again. So once more, he asked Kaoru-dono to meet him there to say goodbye once more.
Why?
I must lead them away, Kaoru-dono.
I thought we had an understanding Kenshin, despite the calm voice, tears were streaming down her cheeks. He, in response, merely hid behind his bangs.
We do. Butit doesn't change the truth
It changes everything! Why? Why must you leave again… the last word was barely whispered. After a year or two since his last departure, their relationship had progressed. However, time and time again, Kenshin would see it fit to keep it to a minimum. The most he could afford was a slight touch to her elbow and she risked more words than she would like to say.
I am only going for a long walk Kaoru-dono.
And you promise to return?
Kenshin never answered. He allowed himself a small bit of comfort by pulling Kaoru-dono closer. Softly, despairingly, and unworthily he dared to brush his lips upon her mouth—leaving her breathless and on the ground once again.
One month passed and Kenshin never realized for himself if he had meant to return, for Kaoru had already dragged him home. Kaoru only allowed him a few weeks head start before going after him towards Hiko's complex. Hiko commanded his baka deshi to return home and not to bother him again unless it was actually important.
Was her security worth my pain as well as hers? Would I have been able to come to terms with his self on his own had she not come for me? But…I'm glad to be home.
He was glad that he was no more than three yards from her sleeping form. Perhaps his answer was in that sheer gladness, that content, that spread through his weary soul more readily than before whenever she would meet his eyes. He never thought he would be so readily dependent upon another individual such as Kaoru. Even if it was just a few weeks, Kenshin experienced a psychological hell that almost drove him to suicide. Happy to be relieved of his self-induced pain, he returned home with her almost in a daze—almost forgetting why he had left in the first place and cursing himself silently all the way. Turning to one side on his bed he continued to wonder.
It's different this time. Yes I bring danger to her, but if she always comes for me I have no control over it either way, his musings came to a stop when he heard the soft whisper of the door across from his room. Soft footsteps crossed the floor, Kenshin smiled at her presence, inching closer. She stopped, several feet away from his bed, her hesitation obvious in the awkward silence of her stillness. She left quietly after a few moments of looking at him, and Kenshin let out his breath. It had been like this since they had returned.
Will he leave again?
Her thoughts were as plain as day.
--
Kaoru's calm expression did nothing to ease Kenshin's struggles. He thought that coming back home was easy, but Kaoru… was… so detached. He had noticed that she had stopped saying his name out loud. Whenever she wanted to talk to him, she would level her eyes with his or attain his attention by waving her hand at him. Never had he hear her say his name since she brought him home.
Talking to her was different. Her usual cheer and smile was replaced by a placated caution and a nervous quirk of the mouth. There was less bounce in her walk as her eyes thoughtfully rested on the road outside the gates. Kenshin tried to talk to her as he always did, and she in turn would strain to keep the conversation light and normal. But it was no use, she drifted and he could only follow her with saddened eyes.
Wasn't coming home supposed to solve all this? Their thoughts were one, yet neither knew it.
They reached the tofu vendor and Kaoru greeted the man. The man returned her smile and tried to talk to her, but all she would say was a soft "hai" or an "iie." Nothing more. She smiled her thanks and motioned for Kenshin to start walking back.
"Will you carry this tofu back to the dojo? I have to look into something…" her eyes burrowed down to the depths of his soul. Her voice was the perfect sound of the calm before the storm—wispy and breathless. Kenshin didn't argue but did let a look of confusion and care cross his face. Since coming home, she had grown different and so did he. He stared at her with all of his love—more than what he wanted to show for his despair had rendered him almost careless of his emotions—but it did not faze her. She kept her eyes on his but did not understand his delay or his gaze. Walking away, Kenshin looked back several times just to see where she was going, yet every time he did, she was just standing there looking at him go, never once failing to meet his curious eyes.
Kaoru felt confused at the sight. Looking at Kenshin walk away like that pained her, but whenever he looked back, the pain was alleviated for a split second, returning the next moment in a mad rush. When finally he was out of sight, she walked on. She didn't think about where she was going. She only let her feet take her to the place where she would secretly steal away during ungodly hours of the night during the time he was gone.
The place was different during the day. Of course it had no fireflies in the morning--but it still held a bitter place in Kaoru's memories. Her despair had wetted the ground, her whispered cries still echoed in the leaves. Her soft sobbing still rumbled the earth on which she had laid down, deciding to end it all there, her heart pressed on the dirt. That first night was terrible, seeing him walk away, but at least she saw him that night--unlike the nights that followed, wherein her tears flowed because she couldn't even see him anymore. She pined, longed, desired with every fiber of her being. Yet she knew that even her being wasn't worth much to him and her acceptance of this fact danced ominously in her thoughts as tears silently streamed down her expressionless face.
How dare I try to bring him back? I was obviously not worth staying for.
It didn't begin like this. She welcomed him home with all the sincerity of her emotion. But it was the sudden break of routine that shook her confidence in their situation. That night she brought him home was the first night in months that she hadn't sneaked out to that place of fireflies. Her body felt strange at this sudden stop of nighttime sobbing, it was second nature to her by then. She could have cried herself to death and still live listlessly in the morning. It made her restless—she needed to go that night and so she did.
Bringing herself there on that night when she and Kenshin returned was the worst mistake of her life. She cried for no reason at all—and pained for every reason she was there. Nothing was solved. She had brought him home, but there was an abyss still present. A dark nothing. His return was her insistence, not his choice. He will leave again any day now, that he will. It was this thought that broke her. It would have been better if I had never gone after him… I would have moved on. Or he could have come back. Either way I would know for certain whether he loved me or not—not like this.
Sano knew where to look. It was an unspoken agreement that if she wasn't in her room the next day, he knew where to find her. Kaoru was on the ground again, softly dozing, tear trails dried on her cheeks. Sano murmured some thing sweet in her ears and she stirred in her sleep. He smiled down at her, his eyes betraying his true feelings. He had never thought to see Kaoru broken. Yet here she was, pieces of herself scattered all around. He didn't understand why she still comes here, but he knew that he could never bring himself to blame Kenshin. He knew the rurouni well now—after Kyoto and all. In fact, he was only slightly surprised that he left the second time. At least this time, Kenshin had dropped a hint that he would leave. He tried to talk him out of it only to be faced by Battousai.
No he couldn't blame the rurouni—Kenshin blamed himself enough for the both of them. Good friend that he was, he silently promised Kaoru that he would try to fix this thing between them. He carried her in his arms and walked towards the edge of the river. It was time for a talk.
"Jou-chan…"
Kaoru splashed her face with the cold water, trying to wash away any trace of her activities during the afternoon. She looked at the man who stood with that famous fish bone in his mouth. "Sano," she said in return.
Sano shifted his weight onto another foot and regarded Kaoru with a sad expression. Kaoru smirked and splashed the water at him before taking her place to sit by him. Sano sighed, slowly he sat down onto the wet ground and started again. "Jou-chan…"
"Sano."
"Argh. Stop playing around, Kaoru." Kaoru laughed at him, her smile not quite reaching to her eyes. They watched the sun set along the bridge before daring to break the silence again. How ironic. Kenshin's finally at home and I'm watching this with Sano of all people. So pathetic…
"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that you should be watching this with Kenshin, right?"
"How--?"
"Are you saying that you don't spend every second of your day thinking about him?"
Kaoru couldn't find a reply. She closed her mouth and closed her eyes, willing herself to keep from crying in front of Sano. Mou…pathetic…
"What is wrong with you?" Sano asked.
"He'll leave again." She hadn't realized that she had said it aloud until the silence became too long to ignore. She glanced at Sano and quickly averted her eyes back to the calm water. Sano coughed and handed her a piece of cloth over her shoulder. Discreetly she tried to wipe her tears away. He didn't say anything to her, neither did she to him.
Together they walked back to the dojo, a careful distance wrought between them to make the silence more bearable. Sano saw her to the gates and said his goodnight quickly. Kaoru noticed that he walked towards Megumi's clinic, no doubt to talk about me again. Walking in, she saw that light was still in the dining room, despite the lateness of the night. She wondered in and saw the rurouni, dozing softly with a cup of tea in front of him. She couldn't help but smile.
"Kenshin" she whispered, daring the word to be released from her aching lips. It was too soft to be heard. She nudged him and, promptly, he woke.
"Kaoru-dono, this one is glad that you have come home. Sano said that you probably went to visit a friend and had lost track of time." Kaoru knew that it was his way of saying he was worried. She let it go unnoticed, nodded and walked towards the kitchen without a word, leaving him by the table.
"Goodnight." She said as she walked past the dining room after eating alone in the kitchen. He silently nodded and whispered "Kaoru…"
--
"What do we do?" Megumi asked, trying to think of something substantial while Sano held her dearly to his chest. They had grown closer when Kenshin went away. Kaoru's sadness and fierce emotions were so contagious that they couldn't help becoming more drawn towards each other. They comforted each other and more than once debated on whether it would be healthy to cut off the rurouni's legs for Kaoru.
"Is there anything we could do?"
"Tell Kenshin?"
"No. That's the problem itself. Kaoru's not sure of Kenshin anymore. If we tell him this, it would be like her dragging him back. He has got to figure this one out for himself."
Megumi flipped her hair and looked at Sano. "Something needs to be done," her voice took upon her doctor's tone. Sano shook his head and kissed her forehead.
"But we cannot do anything. It's either Kaoru's or Kenshin's move. Hey Fox, what do you say to a wager?"
"Sano, you jerk! How can you make a gamble out of everything?" She slapped the arms that held her tight and pushed him away. He grinned at her. Megumi smiled back but then caught herself.
"Sano?"
"Mm?"
"I feel sad for them," her statement was so simple, so true. It held so many unspoken things, so many implications that Sano's shoulders slumped in the sudden depression that took over the couple. He was the first to break the silence.
"Megumi, may I stay with you tonight?" Sano asked without looking up. Megumi gave him a scandalized look. Though they were lovers, they had never shared each other's bed. "I mean… I didn't mean anything by that. What I mean was that—"
"It's alright." Megumi brushed the back of her hand to his forehead. Sano gulped. "Why though?" Megumi asked. Sano smiled tenderly at her and cupped her cheek with his hand.
"I won't be able to sleep anyways, thinking about all this drama. I'd feel more relaxed if you were nearby…"
--
A week had passed and nothing had changed. Kenshin had made a few more observations such as Yahiko's attitude towards Kaoru. He still acted like a child around her, but he had stopped calling her busu. Yahiko had ceased to make direct attacks on Kaoru. Something happened…oh yeah, I remember. I left.
Kenshin dumped the laundry into the dryer. He stared at it intently, lost in his thoughts.
Nudge.
Kenshin caught himself before sighing in frustration. Surely she can say my name…
"Yes, Kaoru-dono?"
"Could you please help me with the heater?" Kaoru softly requested. Kenshin looked up at her, she gave him a small smile that made Kenshin emit a small gasp. Tomoe?
She looks so much like Tomoe… Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the girl go into her room to get a fresh set of clothes as he looked at the pilot light. Her repressed movements, her silence. The overall serenity/sadness in her eyes was all too reminiscent of—
"Hey, is it ready?"
"Ah… yes!"
--
He stared at the bathroom door. Unmoving.
He had almost followed her inside. He had just opened the door for her, while trying to… to… He didn't even know what his intentions were for being so close with her. He only wanted to be near. She seemed so fragile today. As if one wrong move could break her.
And he knew that she was already broken.
Unknowing of the presence outside, she started to sob into the hot water. Tears mixing with the soap. Her head throbbing in pain. Her limbs weary from tension and from not being able to sleep. Almost every night now, sleep was always out of her reach. Every night, she finds herself almost straining to hear him—to know if he was walking away at night. When she realizes what she is doing, she then debates with herself whether or not she should go after him if he does. By the time she comes to a conclusion, dawn would already be in sight.
Kenshin could hear her. At first he thought she was just moving around the water, but when he came closer to the door, he could hear her panting for breath as she tried to silence herself and cry at the same time.
He pressed his cheek against the door wanting nothing else but to go in and comfort her. But would she let me? Perhaps the bathroom is not the right place. Yet if I confront her afterwards, she is sure to deny it. How do I know that it's not my fault? Is it my fault? It seems that looking at me is already too painful for her.
It was a dangerous line of thought, Kenshin finally decided. He didn't know which was worse. His past absence causing her pain or his actual presence causing her tears.
If it was the former, then he wasn't sure what to do. If it was the latter, then he might as well kill himself. Perhaps I should ask Sano…He walked away when he heard her stirring inside, done with her lonely musings and perhaps her bath. Perhaps it's best that she doesn't see me today… he thought brokenly to himself.
After finding his home with her these past two years, his ten years of wondering seemed alien to him. Though again, he had never felt this lonely.
--
Kaoru looked around for him. She stared at the waiting laundry basket for a full five minutes before asking Yahiko. Yahiko merely replied that he had gone to see Sano. Kaoru nodded. If he was with Sano, then surely he would come back. Kenshin did not lie.
She sat down and started to do the laundry herself. Energetically, she put her all into the insignificant work before her, pouring her spirit into the pieces of cloth the swirled in the sudsy water. She did it all by hand to stretch her time.
She started lunch. She could cook now, somewhat. At least Yahiko's complaints weren't as intense as they were a couple of years ago. Yet often her mind wanders when she starts chopping vegetables, the rhythm of the knife lulling her to an almost daydreaming state. She had disciplined her mind to be idle, to not think, while she performed her duties as cook. She could never find a way to truly enjoy the task. Or could she?
Hmmm. She placed both her hands on the knife's handle, and wielding it like a bokken, she brought it down mercilessly on the meat with an angry cry. Next came the vegetables. She experimented with the cuts, all the while her cries became louder and less serious. She called out a series of "hyah!" and "iie," and when she finished she looked around the kitchen and at the mess she made. She laughed.
She laughed hard and long as she picked the onion pieces out of her hair, wiping tears induced by said vegetable.
"Kaoru?"
Turning quickly around, she faced two men by the kitchen door way. Sano was leaning to the side with a fond smile on his face. Kenshin looked at her carefully, the question still poised on his lips. He stared at her intently, as if transfixed by something. She cast her eyes down, fighting the blush that threatened to betray her thoughts on his intent stare.
"I was just… trying to cook?" she offered in a small voice. Sano laughed at the statement. It was still quite a joke that Kaoru cooks. She blushed fully now, for a completely different reason. Her face contorted, she pointed at Sano with the knife. "HEY! If I don't cook, you starve. Would you rather not have lunch?" Sano looked up and regarded the enraged woman who held a knife to his face. Yet he never did learn. He just started laughing again.
"Kaoru…trying to cook! YAHIKO DID YOU HEAR THAT!" He bellowed at the boy outside the kitchen. Yahiko glanced their way.
"I just finished with the bathroom for the morning, busu! I don't think my stomach can take it anymore!" He shouted back, playfully and cautiously as well.
"Be careful with what you say, little boy! I have a knife!" She came out of the kitchen waving around the blasted piece of metal.
"Argh, busu! I didn't know we were going to cook you for lunch. Personally, I don't eat disgusting creatures." Yahiko said, gesturing to the pieces of meat and vegetables that still hung around her hair. "Maybe Kenshin doesn't mind eating you up, but I'm going to the Akabeko." And with that, the boy left with a friendly wave, leaving them all stunned.
"What did he just say?" She said faintly.
"He's going to the Akabeko for lunch." Sano offered, snickering. I'm going to treat that boy tomorrow to some sake. He probably has no idea how much he's changed the mood. It looks like maybe Kaoru's going back to normal.
"Not that…" she muttered, turning around to enter the kitchen again.
"You mean Kenshin having you for dinner?" He said looking straight into her eyes, trying to whisper it loudly enough to make sure Kenshin hears. She stiffened, paled, blushed, and almost fainted. She shook her head vigorously and without looking at the red-head in question, proceeded to cook.
"You both need to get out before I burn something."
"Distracted, Kaoru?" Sano replied.
"No more than usual."
"Alright, well, I've got to be going. See you around, Kenshin."
"WHAT? Aren't you staying for lunch?" She turned around, almost panicky.
"Megumi's cooking for me today." He said, his eyes softening. Kenshin's right. She is awkward around him. Gods, Kaoru, stop torturing the poor man. Do you really have no idea what that sounded like?
"Oh, well, why don't you both come over then?" she said, her eyes on the floor once more—a new habit, in Sano's opinion, that needs to be broken. Sano looked at her and cocked his head to the side, as if evaluating the situation. He glanced at Kenshin—who was looking tiredly at Kaoru. Kenshin caught Sano looking and gave a nod. After thinking it over a couple more times, Sano returned the nod.
"Alright, I'll be back in a minute. Kenshin, you want to come with? It might be best to leave Jou-chan alone, she seems to like that knife." He said, offering the couple an excuse to not be in the same room together.
"Alright. We'll be back Kaoru-dono." Kenshin said, turning around one last time to look at her before he left. She was already cooking again, so she only gave him a slight nod—never once meeting his eyes.
--
Lunch was pleasant. Kaoru and Megumi did not bicker for once. Megumi was too busy fussing over Sano's eating habits. Once or twice she slapped his hand, gave several reprimands, and even punched him on the shoulder. But there were moments when Megumi would discreetly wipe Sano's mouth when she thought no one else was looking, and moments when Sano's hand strayed to the small of her back. There were moments when their fingers would touch while reaching for food, and they would only smile briefly at each other, but however briefly they did it, Kaoru and Kenshin felt intense envy.
Kaoru sighed when she saw Sano glance at Megumi, almost out of habit, before finishing his soup. They're coming along quite nicely, she thought bitterly.
"What are you thinking, tanuki?" Megumi said, not once taking her eyes off her rice.
"That Sano's hand is creeping to your back again." Kaoru teased. Megumi's head snapped up. With her chopsticks, she poked the offending hand and glared at the apologetic smile on Sano's face.
"How long have you two been together?" Kenshin asked in his rurouni voice. He really was quite curious as to how it happened—of course he would have known had he not leave, but he forgot about this seeming trivial piece of information. Megumi looked at him, her jaw clenched, and her eyes sharp.
"Um… going on for two months Kenshin." Sano answered, nudging Megumi. Kenshin nodded, getting the hint. He sipped on his soup.
"What made you two make up your minds anyways?" Kaoru started up again, not catching the tension that seemed to build—forgetting also of Kenshin's departure.
"Oh well you know, this and that…" Megumi tried to offer a vague explanation, hoping to avoid the real reason. Kenshin was gone, you were lonely, and everyone was sad, so Sano and I got together.
"Did Sano just upped and proposed to you or did you have to threaten him first?" Kaoru teased again—it's been long since she's had a hearty conversation with Megumi. In fact, she hasn't had a good conversation since— Kaoru's smile disappeared. Megumi was watching her and Sano was watching Kenshin.
"Oh." Kaoru murmured turning to her food again, not wanting to see Megumi's eyes. That's why. Well, it was nice to forget
"Kaoru…" she said.
"Yes? Do you want more soup? Here let me get you some!" Her perky voice fooled no one, but they said nothing as she quickly left the room.
"Kenshin."
"Megumi-dono?"
"I need to hurt you."
"Sessha understands."
--
Kenshin fell ill.
Combined with his already weakened state since he last left the dojo and his insistence on manual labor everyday for the police, to avoid Kaoru's half-dead stares, his body was ill-prepared for the symptoms of depression. Lack of appetite. Insomnia. Inability to laugh or smile.
Only Sano, Megumi, and Yahiko remained sane, for Kaoru herself had took to wandering aimlessly about her house and dojo during free time. Whenever she wasn't cooking or teaching lessons, either she was walking around the dojo or headed towards the river to lay down on the ground. People walked by her, whispering to themselves of how she had finally lost her sanity after bringing back the Battousai, who obviously didn't want her.
However, though she was completely oblivious to her own state of mind, it didn't escape her that someone in her residence was ill. Always at night, she would pass by his room and she would look at the door, debating what to do. Wondering if he will leave that night. But tonight was different. He can't leave tonight, can he? He's ill… surely he'll rest tonight.Slowly she slipped into his room, clutching tightly at her nightgown. She looked down at his face, which was achingly pale in the moonlight. His eyes moved rapidly under his lids, and he murmured incoherently as a fitful dream took hold of his unconsciousness.
He was so beautiful, it hurt her to look at him.
She sat by him and thought maybe she could ease his sleeping by humming softly to him. She placed a hand on his forehead and hummed quietly. Pretending for a moment that she was a wife comforting her husband, she put her love into soft unbidden words that stayed unsaid in her throat. These words melted and instead became the song that she softly gave him as she caressed his forehead. As if understanding these words, Kenshin let out a breath and his face relaxed in her touch. His consciousness touched the surface as he realized that a woman was striving to comfort him. It had been long since he had last killed and went to sleep with the soul haunting him in his mind. It had been long since a woman took it away, but he did remember.
"Tomoe"
Sighing once again, he fell to a deep sleep, completely ignorant of how the song stopped or how the touch disappeared when he murmured a name. Completely ignorant of the tears that fell quietly onto his face. She stayed the night by his side, leaving only when dawn touched her rigid figure, still shocked by the longing and adoration that laced his voice when he said his dead wife's name.
--
Kenshin was better, but when he was recovering from that blasted flu, he had great amounts of time to reflect on what had happened. He made his decision. Knowing that she too would want some sort of resolution, he asked to have tea with her after dinner.
"It's been long since I last saw the stars," he murmured quietly as he sipped his tea. He wasn't in any hurry, for now he would just relish her presence. They sat just outside on the balcony, looking at the summer night sky.
"Tell me, Kenshin. What is the real reason you left?" she whispered listlessly.
Always to the chase, Kaoru? He grimaced.
"Kaoru…" he murmured.
"Kenshin." She retorted.
Kenshin merely looked at her and stiffened his gaze. He blinked twice to shed all other persona he had used in the past whenever he interacted with her. Baring down his own walls, he laid himself vulnerable to her depressed gaze. He was going to talk to her as Kenshin Himura. A man with a past. But a man nonetheless.
"The world is a big place, Kaoru."
"…"
"And I would not want to be in the way of your happiness."
"Ken—"
"Please listen to me, Kaoru. We have already argued the possibility of my bringing danger to you before I had gone. I am not going to repeat my opinion, though I stay steadfast in that. Bringing it up would only have us quarrel with the same words again. And I know that bringing up my value or worthiness of your affections is also in vain, since it really just depends on one's perspective. But I myself am convinced, since it is my worthiness that is in question, that I do not deserve you."
"Now stop here—" she hated arguing with him. He was right. Everything that he had so far brought up was a moot point. She ached to tell him that to finally silence him, but a change in his demeanor prevented her from going further.
He gestured for both of them to go inside the room. Closing the door behind him, he came forward to settle his hands on her shoulders. He firmly, but gently had her sit down, and he in turn sat down a few paces in front of her.
"Kaoru, I am not yet finished speaking."
Kaoru folded her hands on her lap, mockingly imitating the submissive demureness that perhaps his past wife, Tomoe, might have had. Her threatening eyes however, could not hold anything in, and it was all Kenshin could do but to swallow in trepidation. He regained composure only when she closed her eyes in order to listen.
"As I was saying, the world is a big place and there are many people out there…" He started, sighing at the very concept that he struggled to articulate.
"And?"
"One such person out there is probably destined to bring you true happiness."
"…" If I say it now, we'll never get over this. Better let him lead the conversation, Kaoru thought.
"And I do not want to stand in the way."
"Baka."
She's falling for it. Kenshin thought sadly. He hated this, having her admit his affection for him only so he could reason it all away. But he knew if he made a speech about it, it will not sink in. It was better for him to just rebuttle all her challenges and deliver a final blow in the end. Chipping away at Kaoru's heart, however, pierced his soul with deep, unimaginable pain.
"You are that person! Why can't you—"
"How so, Kaoru?"
Huh? Kaoru was caught off guard. What kind of a question is that?
"How do you know I am that person?" Kenshin asked quietly.
Because I love you, you idiot! But it will not do to say so too early, it was better if she could reason with his mind before appealing to his heart. Kaoru, however could not really speak her thoughts for they were all in a turmoil, each separate thought competing with the other to be said out loud first.
"You're a great swordsman!" She blurted. Immediately she blushed at her own stupidity and waved her hand. "I mean," sigh. "I've always thought of being with a man who can protect me. Whose skills exceed my own, someone I can look up to and look forward to for support and protection…" and love.
"There are many other great swordsmen."
"Yes but I don't think I can choose a man who is less skilled than I. I know my father would not approve of it. How am I supposed to get better if I always beat my husband at sparring?" Her pride was bold and her vivacity at its peak. Kenshin merely chuckled.
"Yes, you are an amazing swordswoman, Kaoru. And for that, it might take you a while to finally find someone suitable to competently spar with you during the day." Kenshin smiled at the thought, but shook his head at the urge to recall many of his fantasies. "However, I am quite sure such men exist, like Aoshi, or …" Here he paused, unable to recall anyone else who could be used as a specific example. "Or even any of the Oniwaban." He ended weakly.
"He must be kind and warm in his manners." She added haughtily, closing her eyes. She liked Aoshi, but he was too stony. And didn't Kenshin know he's already engage. Oh right he wasn't here for that.
"No doubt, it is someone who will choose to let himself become a human punching bag to relieve you of stress."
"Exactly."
They laughed lightheartedly. Kaoru missed his laugh. Even before he had left, the moment she was last kidnapped, tension had become a dominant presence in the Kamiya dojo. She missed the spontaneous breaks of peace, however short they were, in between archfiends and minor hiccups in the town.
"Maybe the man for you is rich and will take care of you properly; you wouldn't have to be so stressed." Kenshin commented thoughtfully, easily slipping into the illusion that this was just one of those hypothetical conversations. It was a gambit he was willing to play. He was already hurting.
"Maybe he is simple and will take care of me as he is."
"Maybe."
"Yes. Maybe."
"I don't see what is overly unique in a kind-hearted swordsman." Kenshin replied.
"He must be good with children." Kaoru said, drawing her knees up to her chin, looking at Kenshin with a shy smile.
"That goes with being kind-hearted." He smiled back. He was of course, speaking from experience.
"He has to be attraaactive." She added in a singsong voice, a little embarrassed and blushing.
"A handsome and kind swordsman who is good with children. Such high standards…" He teased, his eyes twinkling in laughter.
"And since I am the assistant master of this dojo, I cannot be expected to keep up my father's legacy and—"
"A kind, handsome swordsman who is good with children, and who will willingly lower himself to do a woman's work. That could be a problem." He said thoughtfully to himself
"I know."
"Still, if he has his own work, I am sure the both of you could afford a bigger household, complete with a maid?"
"Are you about to bring up the fact that you're penniless? Because that goes in with the whole 'worthiness' argument." She shook a fist in his face as she went down on all fours to scrutinize his eyes, only a hair's breadth between them.
"No, Kaoru. I'm merely looking at the possibilities. There are so many out there." He finished with a whisper as he took her closed hand and gently pushed her to sit back. So many other men that could fit your description and love you all the same, he thought sadly.
"Last but not least: I must love him." She whispered with fervor. Beat that, Kenshin. She now sat back on her calves, her hands lay shaking in her lap, her eyes blazing in determination at him.
A silence settled upon them, broken only when Kenshin rose to stand up.
"Too much…" he whispered longingly. "Your heart is so beautiful, Kaoru-dono," he mumbled, not quite looking her in the eyes.
Kaoru's hands fisted in her lap at the mention of the blasted honorific.
"So trusting…" he murmured to himself but loudly enough so that she can hear. "You are strong, Kaoru-dono, and full of love, so willing to forgive, too kind-hearted and trusting for your own good.
"I have no doubt that you will love again." Kenshin ended, with a tone of finality in his voice. It was the kind of voice he used to ward off bandits, archfiends, and Saitoh.
Kaoru looked up at him, his figure towering over her, willing him to look her in the eyes but failing.
So this is it. I've come closer than ever to admitting my feelings out loud and you throw them to the wind…
It was something she was prepared for, after past similar events. But still, one could never be prepared enough. There was one thing she swore not to have that morning, yet she had them anyways.
Tears.
"Kaoru…" Kenshin murmured frantically, kneeling close in front of her and taking her hands in his. He knew this would happened. He thought himself prepared.
Kaoru merely shook her head.
"Kaoru, please, do not make this harder than it has to be."
"How dare you accuse me of your own crime, you self-righteous bastard!" She shouted, flinging his hands away and standing up. She had pointed one dainty finger at him, her stance stiff and ready. Truly, the only thing that betrayed her resolute voice and calm visage were the constant stream of tears, which she ignored.
"Kaoru." He said again, completely shocked at her words. "I just wanted you to be happy. I never want to be in the way of your happiness."
"My happiness? MY HAPPINESS? You idiot! Do you not know that you are my happiness!" She cried, her voice steadily increasing.
"But Kaoru, you could do much better, deserve so much more…"
"No, no, no! I thought we had an agreement on the concept of 'worthiness.' That's not a valid reason to just leave home. Seijuro-san is completely justified in his verbal abuse. You think that excessive humility and false modesty is normal. It's not! You do not know everything—"
"It is you who don't know, Kaoru!" He shouted back bitterly, provoked at the silliness of what he was hearing. Hiko belittled him because he loved Kenshin as a son, of this he was sure. He knew that his humility and modesty stemmed from his own vow to atone for his sins. Kaoru was the one who didn't understand. And he said so.
"You know nothing." He snapped. Kaoru fell back as he advanced towards her. Inwardly she cringed, but she was too busy being angry to acknowledge fear. She ignored the blue stint in his eyes.
"Is that really why you are leaving? You think I cannot understand your pain because I'm not Tomoe-san, who was there from the very beginning?" She said, knowing it was a low blow, but too hurt to care.
"Tomoe" He whispered dazedly, caught off-guard again. "You think Tomoe has something to do with this?" His tone incredulous and unsure.
"While I watched over you, you regained consciousness, though not completely. You called me Tomoe." She murmured quietly. She suddenly felt very tired. The tears suddenly came harder, and sobs racked her body. She drew her knees up to her chest again and cried to herself. "You still dream about her, and obviously you still want her back if you call out to her in your sleep." She added when he still couldn't say anything.
"Is this what you mean by my 'real reason' for leaving?"
"It couldn't have been anything else…" she answered in ignorance.
He sat back down and rubbed his face with his hands, combing his bangs back as he took a deep breath. Idiot, Why'd you have to say Tomoe's name?
"She isn't one of the reason's, Kaoru. Merely a reminder of one of the other reasons."
"Which one?"
"My past."
"Ken—"
"Just because you do not care doesn't mean it isn't real. It wasn't long ago when you had a fatal wound that was caused by my past. I have killed many men. For each man, you can expect at least one other who swore revenge not only on me, but on the ones I love. Since I have stopped wandering, it has caught up to me at this dojo. Less people were hurt when I was still a wanderer.
"My past not only affects the present but the future as well, Kaoru. Your future. Kaoru, you don't want your children to be haunted by my past. You only think it is easy to not care about it when it is your own life in question, but what if it is the life of your own child? Why risk having one with me when you can have one with a man who would not need to protect you from anything?
"And then there's my future, Kaoru. I hate to mention it once again, but I am much older than you. I have suffered many wounds and injuries. Megumi-dono said that my skill in the Hiten-Mitsurugi will deteriorate in a few years. My health is not the same as yours. The chances are that I may die, even from natural causes, at a very early age… Knowing you, once I let you bound yourself to me in marriage you will never seek protection from another."
He crawled over to her and lifted up her chin to meet his eyes. "You believe, both with honor and with love, that you can never let yourself be tied to another man even when I am dead." He ended and was about to kiss her forehead, but Kaoru looked away.
"So in addition to the fact that you have a horrible past that endangers me and that you think you're undeserving, you also believe that you are in the way of my future happiness." She summarized.
Kenshin nodded, his gaze soft and begging.
"Kenshin Himura."
"Yes, Kaoru?"
"I hate you."
She stood up, pushing him away, and went for the door. But before she exited, she decided to just let it out. She was done with him and so she must make sure that nothing can be said further on the subject. Her back towards him, she spoke to the door, knowing that the silence behind her would listen to her every word.
"You are the most selfish, most self-righteous, cowardly and egocentric jerk I have ever met.
"You are afraid of my getting hurt. Well let me point out what's wrong with that. 'You are afraid.' Your care for my well-being stems from your own abhorrence from seeing me hurt in any way. I can understand how you would not like seeing me hurt, because it is the same for me. In every battle, I am afraid that you would get hurt, especially when it's because of me. One of the reasons why you're always in a battle is because you are trying to save my life: that as your supposed 'weakness', you have been in more fights than in the past decade because of me. It's a cycle. I'm in danger because of you, and you're in danger because of me. But I don't walk away from it. Despite the fact that I hate being the cause of so many of those wounds, and don't you dare deny you fought to protect me, I did not intend to walk away. I didn't succumb to that fear. I knew that if I walked away, both of us would be hurt anyways. It's a no-win situation, but by being with you, I thought we can at least be happy. You walk away so that you can relieve yourself from the responsibility of being a danger to me. It's all about you." Her words laced with spite, she continued her argument.
"As for your worthiness, why do you always question yours and never mine? Why does everything have to revolve around you? I certainly have done nothing grand to deserve you! I've never saved a country before or prevented the government from falling. I've been orphaned, I cannot cook, I've had no mother show me how to be a proper lady, I have nothing but my father's dojo. I've hit you more times than I care to count, always letting my emotions get the best of me. I am certainly not the best swordswoman like you are the best swordsman. I'm not so respected, nor do I have enough beauty to account for such respect to even compare to you, the man who saved Japan numerous of times.
You are insecure with your own sins and I'm just…insecure. But just as you say I am beautiful, I say you have been redeemed of your sins. Just as you praise me for my kindness, so do I praise you for your resolve to never kill." Her voice softened.
"Let me point out to you that your terms of determining one's worth is with their sins. I say different. I'm more demanding. Determining one's worth on past actions is easy since nothing is further expected from you. But I believe that one's worth is determined on what is being done now. Your current beliefs, ideals, deeds. Being held accountable for the choices set before you is much more useful and much more challenging than accounting for choices made in the past, which you have no power to change.
"You may think I'm wrong, but that just means you think you're right, and again you're just being self-righteous.
"As for happiness, did I ever give you permission to decide that for me? It is my future, Kenshin. Whether it is mine or my child's, it is my choice. You selfish jerk, who said you could decide for me? You mentioned that it is a risk to have a child with you. Is that all you think of it? Is a child something you just protect from the world? Would you rather not have one with me just so you wouldn't have to protect him or her and possibly fail at it and be hurt by it?
Kenshin, I would have trusted you with my own life, and that of my future children… even if they weren't yours.
"As for your future and your supposed life-span, that's probably the only thing you are reasonable about. But let me remind you that I have been alone. I might have had a father and a mother in the past, but I had nobody until you came along. If your foes still seek me after you are dead, who's to say they wouldn't seek me after you've walked away?"
Kaoru snorted and went on.
"Personally, that just means I wouldn't have to kill myself. I know you don't like hearing that, especially if I have your children to care about afterwards. But for me to even consider planning that far ahead is in vain if you've already made a decision.
"Maybe I've set myself up to be hurt so here's my decision to prevent it from ever happening again: Just to spite you and all your plans for my future, Kenshin Himura, I swear never to love another man again. How's that for happiness?
"You can go back to your nightmares about Tomoe now. Don't expect me to wake you up."
She opened the door and walked out.
"Kaoru-dono, where are you going?" he asked weakly.
"I'm going to wander for 20 years, just to make sure I outrun you," she spat. "By the time I return, I might be lucky enough to completely forget your name.But even if I do call to you in my sleep, you'd be dead by then. The way you talked, you probably won't last another 20 years. It's all good, ne?"
By the time she passed the mixed stares of Megumi, Sano, and Yahiko (who had been faithfully eavesdropping by the door), there was no sign of her ever having cried that night.
--
Kaoru, being true to her word, had disappeared into urban Tokyo. Kenshin pulled several favors with government police and his connections in high political position to no avail. Megumi and Sano would search for Kaoru together every afternoon, hitting her most favorite spots in the city and asking at least five hotels if anyone would recognize a picture of her. Yahiko, however, remained calm and collected. Every afternoon, he took over the responsibility over all the classes she taught, and he never mentions Kaoru's name out of class. He remained silent during dinner with the others and kept to himself for the rest of the time.
Kenshin felt a weakness in his body, not unlike the ailment that kept him bedridden only days before she left. He again fell into a fit of depression, hiding the inability to eat with business over the phone concerning the search. He couldn't sleep, not without the comfort of knowing where she was. He was, to his keen surprise, even lonelier than he could have ever been before in his entire life. He mourned the feeling, ignoring Yahiko who tried hard to get his attention. He had so much stuffiness in his head. He slipped his hands in his pocket and took out a vial of clear substance.
"Kenshin, we're invited to the city capitol's gala for the summer solstice. It's in three days."
"Yahiko, please take care of it."
"There's a handwritten note on it from Hiko. He says he expects you to come"
Kenshin paused and slowly took the note from Yahiko's hands. Reading it over, he set his lips in a grim line and tacked the note on a cork board for later reminder.
"Will you please ask Sano and Megumi to take you shopping? I think a suit for you is in order."
"Kenshin."
"Yes, Yahiko?"
"You need to eat. I think she'll be there." With these words, Yahiko left Kenshin to his musings. Kenshin's bangs lowered over his eyes as he rigidly sat down on one of the dining chairs.
"Three days." He folded his arms over the table and laid his pounding head upon them. In sheer exhaustion, he immediately fell asleep, keeping the vial in his hands.
The search ended a day before, with Kenshin's concession. It didn't bode well for the government police to be out on the streets daily for more than three weeks. He had asked favors from almost every politician across the board. It was as if nothing really happened.
Kenshin still couldn't eat, but he did sleep most of the time.
The night of the gala, Sano drove the SUV to the capitol with the others in the back. Megumi sat near him, talking lightly about summer solstice, telling Yahiko small bits of trivia about the seasons. Kenshin sat quietly, looking at the lights outside the window.
Megumi turned heads on the dance floor, and so did her dance partner. Being one of the most known doctors in the city, everyone at least knew her title. Sano's face was less renown, but infamous nonetheless. He after all, owned half the city's casinos (despite his bad luck). And the quiet redhead in the corner was a government tool. Rumor had it, that he had plans to marry a certain dojo teacher and adopt the kid with porcupine hair, but there seemed to be a misunderstanding, for she was nowhere near him.
His eyes remained closed as he leaned against the column, his bangs hiding his face. His breath was short and his forehead was beaded with sweat. He had suddenly come down with a fever.
"Oi, Kenshin, there's Hiko." Sano poked the redhead and offered him some sake, gesturing towards the hall.
A grand and regal man approached the two and with a trained eye, he sized up the redhead and dragged a chair along with him. "Kenshin." He gestured for him to sit.
"Shishou… where is she?"
"Where is who?"
"Kaoru-dono. Please, Shishou, if you know anything—"
"I had her as my escort in the beginning of the evening. She left when she realized you were here. I think she feels that I have betrayed her trust." Hiko smirked and patted the redhead on the back. "Sano, give me that bottle of sake."
"She has been with you?"
"Yes." Hiko grumbled a little but not without obvious amusement. "I would have ended your sufferings, baka deshi, but I was in agreement with her in your needing to learn a lesson. Besides, your woman is someone I just don't plan on aggravating. She is quite handy with kitchen knives." Hiko motioned for chairs to be brought . The three men sat in the dim corner with Hiko's voice a mere murmur in the hall's clatter of crystal and voices.
"She came to me right after you issued a search for her. Very clever, she was. She had managed to avoid all of you by blackmailing the Oniwaban mistress."
"Poor Misao" chuckled Sano.
"Yes, I feel for her as well. No doubt Aoshi, has no idea what happened. Two women in conspiracy could easily bring down a government, especially the two of them. Anyways, as I was saying, she had been with me all this time and this gala was the only thing I could successfully arrange for her to come out in public. I tried with the governor's birthday, but that fell apart with last month's scandal—"
"Where is she now? Shishou, please stop stalling…"
"Why are you so sick, baka?"
"He hasn't been eating or sleeping right" Sano said.
"Well neither has she, but she isn't as sick as you."
"I'm glad she is better than I, but Shishou…"
"I don't know where she is at the moment."
"Shishou, you mean to tell me—"
"Now, baka deshi, I asked you a question first."
Silence fell upon them, only Kenshin's labored breathing was heard. "I considered ending my life three days ago—"
"Kuso! Kenshin, what the f—"
"Sano, let me finish. I am very learned about the poison I ingested, I also had an antedote at hand just in case I changed my mind. I did change my mind, when Yahiko told me, after much questioning, why he seemed sure that Kaoru would be here. But I think I might have miscalculated the antidote, since when I was brewing it at the time, I was careless and quite sure that I would go through with my plan without—"
Hiko splashed a glass of sake onto Kenshin's face, at which Sano immediately took offense on and started shouting. It took Megumi's blackmail and Yahiko's nagging to pry Hiko and Sano apart.
"You have always been an idiot. Did you learn nothing when I passed onto you the Ame Kakeru Ryu no Hirameki—
"Kaoru Kamiya is my only will to live."
This effectively silenced Hiko.
"Kenshin, this antedote you are talking about, tell me more about it," Megumi started to check Kenshin's vitals. Feeling his pulse and looking into his eyes, she took note of how his symptoms were only that of a fever.
"The antedote works, I'm obviously not dead yet and I took the poison almost three days ago. It just weakened my system." Further discussion of what kind of poison took place, wherein Megumi ended the checkup by bonking Kenshin lightly on the head.
"You really are a baka. Well if it's any consolation, since you've already decided to kill yourself once, consider yourself forgiven from all my grudges."
"That is quite a boon you're giving him, Meg." Sano smiled.
"Something that he will have to earn for the rest of his life. Make Kaoru happy and I will not poison you myself in the near future."
"If only we knew where she was," interjected Yahiko who had until now remained silent. He looked pointedly at Hiko. Charmingly, the 13th master of the Hiten Mitsurugi style ran his hand through his gorgeous mane and took out a cell phone.
"Saitoh, where are you now?"
"YOU HAD SAITOH TRACK HER?" Sano exclaimed.
"She's very slippery and none of the others could keep track of her over the week," Hiko whispered aside. "Yes Saitoh, I'm here… Uhuh."
"Well Kenshin, shouldn't you be jumping for joy? Oh wait, how silly of me, you're sick. You can't possibly dash away with that godlike speed of yours because you decided to kill yourself. My my, aren't we the smartest thing on earth…" Megumi pried Kenshin off the chair and started to lead him out of the ball room. With Sano on his other side, the three of them marched away after Hiko's very explicit directions of where the runaway was.
"I know exactly where she is," whispered Sano to Megumi in the car, trying to keep Kenshin from hearing.
"Funny she should go there now."
"She must have a thing for irony."
"She is a drama queen…"
"I don't appreciate either of you talking about Kaoru-dono like this…" Kenshin grumbled in the backseat.
"Shut up Kenshin. This is all your fault." Megumi snapped as she dangerously took a corner at an evil speed.
"Point taken."
--
The grove of fireflies once again. This is ironic.
"Kaoru…" he whispered. She stood there in the middle of the water in a beautiful wrap of silk and lace. She wore an off-shoulder dress that showed her pale back in the glow of the moon. She was dressed in blues and violets, emphasizing her eyes. The cut was modest but very enticing, it barely showed the top of her breasts, but it did curved around her waist like only silk could and the skirt flared out at just the right place on her backside. The hem of her dress never touched the wetness by her feet, for she had held up half of the dress, showing her legs as she walked around solemnly in the water. She was breathtaking to behold, and Kenshin pained to see her so beautiful and so lonely.
Kaoru heard his voice but did not turn to face him. She merely stopped pacing around in the water, and looked upwards to the night sky. She knew this time would come.
"Kaoru," he said more audibly, stepping into the river and joined her in viewing the sky. She did not move, but she did however freed up the hand closest near him. Kenshin immediately took the hint and enclosed the hand in his, bringing it up to his lips for a fervent kiss.
"Kenshin, you're warm, but you're shivering."
"Ah yes, I'm having a bit of a fever right now…"
"Nani? I would have expected you to be in a more…er…different state. Or maybe I really am a fool—"
"Kaoru I don't think I can even remember being this happy since you found me at Hiko's place months ago. Please, ignore my present state—
"'Ignore my present state' he says, what are you, a freaking martyr. Here take my scarf at least and wrap it around your neck." She took one of the pieces of cloth she was holding in the other hand, letting go the rest of her dress to soak in the water, and tied said scarf around the man's neck using both of her hands. Doing this, she effectively brought him closer, facing him. Seeing him, after a while, brought her so much sensation, that caring for his health was the only other distraction she could think off to fight off the urges that threatened to overwhelm her better sense. She was so intent in wrapping the scarf and avoiding his eyes, that she was completely taken by surprise when he grabbed both of her wrists to lay a kiss in each of her palms. This was the most daring thing he had ever done… and not all the time she spent as his "landlady" and he as her "bodyguard" prepared her for the intimacy that he had put into those simple kisses. Her lips began to quiver, and the upcoming onslaught of tears brought her to his chest in a nervous wreck.
"You idiot! You never told me it hurt that much. Every day these past few weeks, I would go to the train station, or to a bus station, or to an airport, and the people I see—oh just the people I pass on the streets—they all remind me of—of—of Megumi and Yahiko. Every elegant woman looked like Megumi. And every kid and his dog looked like Yahiko. And every drunkard and moron on the streets talked like Sano. And almost every kind sir I looked at reminded me of you… and they didn't even have red hair!
"Are you so disgusted with me that you could easily leave home like that? How can you even stomach the thought of it. I wondered this for hours and hours during the past two days. I was so broken, Kenshin, to the point that I would actually talk to Hiko about it. I asked him how did you do it? How did you just get up and leave…
"Kaoru—"
"Do you know what he said to me, Kenshin? I thought it the most stupid thing I had ever heard the moment he said it, and up to this point I still think it's stupid. But maybe you can explain it to me, since I obviously am the last person on Earth to ever understand you.
"Kaoru—"
"He told me that you left me for the same reasons you left your training all those years ago."
Kenshin closed his mouth. Very slowly, and in the water, he kneeled down and hugged Kaoru's waist. In quiet anguish, Kaoru only later felt the tears that soaked up into her bodice. She buried her hands in his hair and ran her fingers through it. He remained quiet as she went on in a steady and more comforting voice.
"He said you left because you wanted to fix things. That in your idealism, your weakness becomes your inability to accept an imperfection in the world. Hiko even said that he feels that he is to be blamed a little for this, because he never came after you. He never made you stay and learn that there are things about the world that we just have to accept. You know what I said to that… I said that if you hadn't left, he probably wouldn't even be drinking sake right now. And that I would never have survived the bombs. And then in all my glorious speech about your saving Japan, I began to think to myself, 'what if you're right again this time?' You saved Japan by leaving your training. Could you really save both of us by leaving me?"
Kaoru very gently lifted up Kenshin's face from her stomach with a finger underneath his chin. She looked into his tired and weary eyes and leaned down to place a small kiss on the temple.
"Do you know what the difference is between Japan and I?" Kaoru leaned further to whisper into his ear.
"I don't need to be saved. I only needed you."
And Kaoru kneeled, with all the beauty of her dress, into the water and hugged Kenshin with all her might. She cried some tears, but mostly out of joy that she was crying at the grove of fireflies with him in her arms. Kenshin buried his hands in her hair as well, and sought the skin of her cool neck with his burning lips.
"You will always come after me." He murmured. It was not a question, but a statement made in confidence of the fact.
"And you will always come home with me."
"Marry me."
"Tomorrow."
Kenshin pushed her swiftly but gently down into the water, fully partaking of her lips. She cried in surprise but her cry was quickly silenced by the ardor of his kiss. The water soaked into her hair, and though her face was fully above the water level, the rest of her was wet. Soon enough though, she rolled both of them around and had Kenshin underneath her. Placing butterfly kisses all over his face, she kept both his hands above his head in an effort to keep him where he was. But alas, Kenshin freed one hand and started to tickle her. For the rest of the hour, the couple chased each other around in the river. By the time they got out, they were soaking wet and Kenshin had quite a cough. But it mattered none to them, and even Megumi's chastisement went over their heads, as they looked comfortingly into each other's eye, both knowing well that neither of them would ever concede their opinion.
Kenshin was still fully aware that his presence was a great danger to Kaoru. Kaoru was of the opinion to end her own life if Kenshin does die first. But both knew that these were only mere technicalities. Whatever difference they had in thought, they made up with the passion in their hearts. They knew, at the end of all things, that the time they spent together was worth more in heaven than any promise they made on earth.