Drunk History: Lena Luthor - The tale of Grace O'Malley the Pirate Queen

This story is connected to my Dawn of Justice universe (on the AO3 site) where Lena is a Green Lantern. Pairings: slight SuperCorp and Sanvers.

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A few weeks ago, Lena Luthor polished off three (or was it four?) bottles of Dark Matter Howell Mountain Zinfandel...then discussed an historical event.

"What the fuck?!"

Lena gave the man standing in her ultra-modern kitchen the 'Luthor' stare that had made even Supers shit their pants. Currently, they were leaning against her recycled glass and cement counter tops to avoid drunkenly swaying on their feet while they held their wine goblets in their respective right hands.

Inside the fog that had begun to cloud her brilliant mind, she wasn't certain why she'd allowed her PR people to talk her into doing this show, especially under these conditions. However, they'd told her the show was quite popular with the demographic they'd wanted to reach and it would boost her image with the public—you know, make her seem more—approachable.

So, against Lena's better judgment, she'd agreed to go along with her PR people. Still, she wan't a fool. She'd decided to stack the deck in her favor. Although the wine she'd chosen was atypically high in its alcohol content, in the past, she'd always handled her liquor well and wouldn't allow herself to get so wasted she'd give up something vital like Kara's or her own secret identity on cable TV.

Now she glared at the host and snapped out frostily, "What…the…actual…fuck, Waters. That fucking actress who got owned by that flying dinosaur before they both got chomped by that fucking mesa—moosa—mosasaur, is a dainty Irish rose! She looks nothing like me!"

"Sorry," the more-than-slightly tipsy man drawled.

She glared at him over the rim of her goblet. "Fine…whatever, bitch," she muttered shortly before she took another sip of the $300 a bottle zinfandel, totally happy she hadn't wasted her really good stuff on this asshole.

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After the host of the show and she'd finished their first bottle, Lena had no idea where her wine glass had gone. So, she shrugged, cracked open the second bottle and refilled Derek's goblet. Then she led him from the kitchen into the great room of her penthouse, sank into her comfy upholstered chair in front of the video crew and took a long draught straight from the bottle. Moments later, she lowered it from her lips and shot a warm, yet glazed look into the camera lens.

"Hello, I'm Lena Luthor and welcome to Drunk History on Comedy Central. Tonight, I'm going to tell you the story of Grace O'Malley, the Pirate Queen of Connaught. Salute!" she toasted her audience before she took another slug from her bottle.

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On the TV screen, the viewers could see Bryce Dallas Howard from the Jurassic World series standing on the deck of a very old wooden sailing vessel when Lena began her narration. "Grace O'Malley was a total badass, 16th century Irish warrior hottie who led a horde of kickass Celts, Scots, actual fucking Vikings, and maybe even a White Martian or two, to dominate the waters off the coast of Ireland for a couple of decades. During her time, the people in Ireland and the British Isles called her 'The Pirate Queen of Connaught'. Like, this badass bitch was a ginger kinda like …oh…Jessica Chastain."

At that moment, the actress on the screen stopped shouting orders to her pirate crew and glared directly at the camera.

Lena then hiccupped before she continued her story. "Or, maybe she was more along the lines of Bryce…um…Houston Howard?" Then she laughed and took another swig from her bottle. "Anyway, who gives a fuck? I'm just sayin', the bitch was fine!"

The actress now smiled and returned to the task of steering the helmsman wheel of her ship.

Now the view shifted back to Lena in her chair. "Although red heads are dope, blondes get my engine running, you know what I'm sayin'? Now, take my hot girlfriend, Kara. Hey, Derek, I hope you know what I'd just said was a fucking figure of speech, all right? I mean you'd better not try and take her, if you know what's good for you. Anywho, I hope her hot blonde ass comes home soon, 'cause I miss her. And you bitches," Lena warned while she shoved the base of her bottle toward each member of the crew, "had better be gone by then! I don't want you here fucking up my cuddle time with my girl!"

Then the camera focused on Derek Waters who nodded somewhat seriously and solemnly. "Got it. We need to be out of here before your hot, blonde girlfriend shows up."

"Damn straight!"

Suddenly a long shot of the two of them revealed Waters cackling while she regarded him as if he had two heads on the top of his shoulders.

"Straight," he managed to snicker before he laughed loudly.

She blinked twice before her eyes shot wide open. "Oh! Like, I see what I did there!" Then she joined him in drunken laughter.

Moments later, probably after Waters had edited out the rest of the laughing fit they'd both had shared, Lena continued her narration along with the action by the actors on the screen. "The future Pirate Queen was born in Ireland in 1530, at a time when that douchebag, King Henry the Eighth, like, beheaded half the female population of England. Her actual name was Gráinne Ní Mháille," Lena noted in flawless Gaelic, "But nowadays we Anglicize it to Grace O'Malley because, like, some dick decided we needed to change all Irish names so they start with either O' or Mc."

"Anywho, Grace lived on the western coast of Ireland with her dad, the leader of Clan O'Malley. Essentially her old man was, like, a cross between a merchant and a mafia don. He made most of his money sailing to and fro, trading shit to Spain, England, France and Portugal while he collected pay-offs from fishermen who cast their lines in his waters. When she was young, Grace didn't want to sit around the house boiling potatoes all day with her boring-as-fuck mom, so she begged her father to take her with him on his trading expeditions. Understandably, daddy wasn't all that keen on taking his teenage daughter through pirate-infested waters, so he told his little spitfire she couldn't come because her hair was too long and would get stuck in the rigging or some shit. When she heard that, Grace just laughed and said," while the actress on screen mouthed Lena's words, "'Problem fucking solved!' The next day when her dad went to board the ship, he found that Grace had used a knife to cut off all of her hair. Yes, my girl was ready to rock!"

"Soon, she proved to be an able sailor. She learned how to, like, pull her own weight, lead men, and spot fucking storms on the horizon before anyone else on board. Her dad recognized her hard work and promoted her over the heads of her older brothers, unlike what Lillian would have ever done…fucking bitch," she grumbled, "to serve as his second-in-command on trading expeditions."

"In 1546, like, Grace got hitched to some guy named Donal of the Battle. Donal was a tough, hotheaded Irish dude who lived in 'The Cock's Castle' and spent most of his time being an absolute dick to the folks from neighboring clans. Anywho, Donal ended up dying in battle after he pissed off Clan Joyce because of some dick move he'd made. After Donal's death, Clan Joyce captured her home. Wanting her fucking home back, a pissed as hell Grace decided to raise an army."

Now the video on the screen showed Bryce Dallas Howard with long flowing red tresses wearing battle clothes while addressing a bunch of actors dressed up as Celt, Scot, and Viking warriors along with two questionable looking dudes whose ethnicity was hard to place. The actress then began to lip sync to Lena's narration. "And she told them, 'Okay, maybe my dick of a husband got what was coming to him but, like, these bitches took my fucking castle! You think I'm gonna let that shit stand?! Like, hell no! I'm going to take back my castle and all my shit from those fuckers. And if you help me, I promise you, like, a damn good fight before we raid their fucking lands and capture all their shit! Now, who's with me?"

All the men yelled a battle cry and followed her.

"They charged The Cock's Castle and captured it. That event turned out to be the first major step toward her badass legacy."

"Later, she married some dude named "Iron Richard" Burke who had a real fetish for chainmail. Now she basically married him for political reasons and a year later she kicked his ass to the curb, locked him out of his own castle and threw all his shit on the lawn. When Dick came home, he said, 'What the fuck?!' and she leaned out the window and yelled, 'Richard, I dismiss you!' or some shit like that. Then he left without saying another fucking word."

"When her father passed away, Grace O'Malley inherited huge swaths of coastal land and a shit-load of castles. With these resources she, like, forged a pirate empire that was so fucking awesome it made the shipping and fishing industries, like, its bitches for the remainder of her long, badass life."

"You see, Grace's dad had implemented a tax on fishing and merchant ships that moved through his waters. When she took over his operations and dialed his racketeering shit up to 15 on a scale of 1 to 10, she constructed her own navy crewed by tough-ass Irishmen and sent them out to collect taxes and tolls along the coastline. If anyone refused to pay the toll, like, Grace's men would board the ship pirate-style, kick the shit out of everyone on board, take whatever the fuck they wanted, and bring the booty back to her. Eventually, she decided to drop the collection subterfuge and simply conduct full-scale piracy. I suppose she got on, like, a truth-in-advertising bent by then," she noted with a snort.

"Soon, Grace enhanced her pirate crew by recruiting warriors known as the Gallowglass – a bunch of claymore-swinging psychos who obliterated everyone in their path. These fuckers were what happened when some Vikings landed in Scotland and intermarried with Scottish Highlanders. Think Viking Highlanders. Brrr! I can't think of anything more horrifying than that."

The video now showed Grace standing on deck, her ship at the head of a pirate armada cruising proudly in deep water. "With these guys as the vanguard of her forces augmented by tough Irishmen, Grace didn't just, like, conduct raids against shipping. She began to pummel coastal fortresses and capture large swaths of territory from the other Clans." Now the actress started to lip sync along with Lena. "Grace then said as she stood on the deck of her flagship all large and in charge with her fists on her hips like Supergirl in her sexy as fuck 'power-pose', 'I am down for this shit. We're ready.' Then when the leaders of the other Clans saw her fleet coming, they said," and the video now showed some dude standing on the parapets of a castle looking out to sea saying, 'What the fuck is this?!'"

Then the video switched back to Lena staring up at something high above her chair. "What the fuck is this?! What…the…fuck" Then she giggled and shot an amused look at Derek. "Oh, it was just the mike boom moving over my head!"

"Yeah."

Soon, she clamped down on her giggles and shot a resolute look at the man. "I'm sorry. I'll focus."

The next moment, the video of the actors returned to the screen. "So, like, another dude in the castle ran up to the head of the Clan and said, 'Hey, that's Grace O'Malley coming to attack us with her Army of Badasses.' And her forces were so well-trained and equipped with cannons, battle axes and shit, like, they just overran those castles, kicked some serious ass and took whatever the fuck they wanted."

"Excuse me," Lena burped and the video flashed back to her. "I got like a good ten minutes left in me before the booze takes over and God only knows what the fuck I'll say."

"That's all right with me," Waters said with a grin.

In response, Lena cackled maniacally.

Then she resumed her narration and the video switched back to the actors. "Grace wasn't just a tough leader, she was a certified badass herself. Once, she gave birth to her third child during a trading expedition to the Mediterranean. As the bun was coming out of the oven, some Turkish pirates attacked her vessel. When Grace found out, she was like, 'Oh, HELL NO!' and she finished birthing the baby, grabbed her gun, then immediately ran out to bust some caps in the pirates and took command. Another time, a local English Earl refused to entertain Grace when she stopped by for dinner, so she kidnapped the dick head's son and held him for ransom. Then she returned the kid when the Earl agreed to cook her a meal and leave an extra place setting out for the rest of his life, just in case she ever decided to show up again. His family still maintains this tradition to this day! Finally, during the Spanish Armada attack on England in 1588, she personally led an attack on a Spanish War Galleon and captured it, like, when she was fifty-fucking-years old!

"Eventually the English decided to come after her when some of their merchant ships had been pirated by her men. However, when they sent an expedition to attack her castle, she fought so hard the English were forced to retreat back to their ships. Then she lit a signal fire that called her pirate ships to come down on her enemies' fucking heads like fucking locusts and the Pirate Queen's men fucking crushed the doomed fleet."

"In 1593, the English Governor of Connaught captured Grace's brother and sons, and held them for ransom in his prison, demanding that Grace surrender herself. Grace said, 'Fuck that shit!' She traveled to fucking London and requested an audience with another bitch-on-wheels, Queen Elizabeth of England. O'Malley spoke Latin to the Queen because she didn't want to lower herself by speaking in English and she refused to bow, stood tall, and said, 'From one queen to another, if you don't want me to crawl all up in your ass, you'd better order your absolute dick of a governor to release my family.' Elizabeth nodded and said, 'I'll fire his ass and release your family members, if you stop supporting the rebellions of the Irish nobles against my crown.' Grace agreed. 'I'm down with that, Liz. Peace! Out!'"

Now the video switched back to Lena in her chair. "So, Grace O'Malley, a woman of the 16th century, controlled the shipping lanes around Ireland and accumulated massive wealth during her lifetime. Like, no one ever conquered her or defeated her. She died peacefully as an old woman living in a giant fucking fortress with enough piles of gold doubloons that would make a fucking dragon drool while she banged 25 year-old studs with rock-hard abs. Today, she's in a lot of Irish folk songs. Also, James Joyce wrote about her in Finnegan's Wake, but nobody ever knows what the fuck he's saying. I'm a fucking genius and I actually managed to read the fucking thing and I still don't get what the fuck it's about."

"Man, like, I'm so fucking drunk right now," she droned. "Maybe I should put on my Supergirl corset and panties then give Kara a booty call before I pass out?" she mused to the host.

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While Arisia Rrab, Maggie Sawyer and Alex Danvers were rolling on the floor still laughing their asses off after the end of the episode, a worried Kara Danvers studied the stunned expression on her lover's face as they sat beside each other on the couch in the penthouse's great room in front of their HDTV set.

A madly cackling Maggie tried to stop laughing while she attempted to catch her breath. "Oh…man, so funny! I may have ruptured something!"

"I know," Alex struggled to get her words out while tears from laughing too hard streamed from the corners of her eyes. "I...can't...breathe!"

Their alien friend had ceased laughing and Arisia regarded her fellow Lantern with a warm smile. "True, what Lena had said while she was blasted off her ass was funny but I found her story to be quite gripping. Plus it helps she's the cutest lil shit I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, a steadily-growing-more-concerned-by-the-moment Kara asked her girlfriend, "Lee…are you okay?"

The blonde's ridiculous question apparently managed to shake the Luthor from her fugue state. "No, Kara, I'm not remotely near the realm of 'okay' after watching that…debacle." Then she shook her head sullenly. "I can't believe I let my PR people talk me into doing that freaking show! When the members of my Board of Directors, not to mention my mother, see this, I will be royally fucked."

Kara was about to tell her that things couldn't be that bad until she felt her smart phone vibrate against her thigh. Then the Kryptonian quickly fished her phone out from her jeans pocket and pressed her text message icon.

"Lena! Jess just texted me! She said Derek Waters called her. He told Jess your Drunk History episode has the highest ratings of any Comedy Central show…ever! The network brass told him the audience loved you!"

"What?! They…they loved me?"

"Yep! Waters said even the history professors found your account to be historically accurate and praised the passion you brought to the subject. He also told Jess the episode just got in under the Emmy Awards cutoff. Lena Luthor, you've been nominated for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series!"

"Are you serious?"

Kara simply nodded, graced Lena with one of her thousand watt smiles and tenderly hugged her soulmate.

Moments later, both the Kryptonian and the human Green Lantern of Sector 2814 heard Kara's smart phone buzz once more.

Now Kara tapped her text message icon and read the message out loud. "Jess wanted to add that Katie McGrath, the actress in that scene from Jurassic World with the big water lizard, would like a word with you."

"Shit!" Lena snapped. "Quick, Alex! I need a drink!"

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Thanks for reading this story. Reviews, critiques and comments are welcome!