Title: It's Enough (But I Want More)

Summary: SUMMARY CHANGE. Due to her depression since she was a child and the constant abandonment from the people around her, Mikan ran away and tried to end herself. She was rescued, and she's currently on the road to recovery. She knew it would be difficult, but thankfully she had people who can help. If only she can find it in herself to trust them again... AU, Unbeta-ed

Pairing: Summer Tangerine Pairing (NatsuMikan)?

Genre: Drama, Romance

Rating: T

A.N. : This is a very self indulgent fic. I just want to explore and see how many tropes I can put in a fic. And in all honesty, I have this headcanon that Mikan really is very good at hiding her feelings when she puts her mind to it. Add to the fact that a lot of the fanfics in the GA fandom tends to characterize Mikan as an emotional labourer (really, I've lost count on just how many fics portray her as a naive, childish, dependant little idiot that somehow fixes every problem with her cheer and recklessness and just simply by being there, no communication is necessary!) and thus this fic is born.

Disclaimer: Don't own GA, will never own it. Besides, I can't even draw a stick figure if I put my mind to it.

Warning: Depression and suicidal thoughts.

SUMMARY CHANGE AS OF 3/9/2018

PROLOGUE: FALLING AND STANDING

If Mikan had to pick a time when she learned to fake a smile, she would pick the time her father passed away.

Her father was loved and adored by many. A favourite teacher among many students and a delightful friend to others, his death was a blow to a good number of people. Her mother was near inconsolable when her father passed away. Of course, Yuka was a good actor, she can hide her grief behind a solemn face, but Mikan knew well enough to know that her mother is suffering, but would never lower her pride to show her emotions to anyone other than Uncle Kazu or her grandpa.

Everybody around was wearing that depressing black colour and Mikan stood and watched everyone with red-rimmed eyes. They were all sad, offering condolences to her mother and gave her smiles and soft pats on the head.

Mikan remembered before her father passed away, that he would tell her to always smile and be happy because it does no one any good, being sad. You cause problems for yourself and more importantly, you make others worry about you, which is never a good thing.

After the funeral was over and everybody went home, her mother pulled her into a bone-crushing hug and asked, "Are you alright, Mikan-chan?"

What a silly thing to ask, little 5 year old Mikan thought. Of course she wasn't fine. Tou-chan left them, and everybody's crying, and her mother's sad, and Jii-chan cannot stop staring at Tou-chan's altar, and Uncle Kazu resembled a stone statue right now, and everything's just wrong.

But Mikan remembered what Tou-chan told her.

"Don't make others worry about you."

So Mikan put on a brilliant (fake) smile and hugged her Kaa-san and said, "I'm fine!"

Mikan could never truly understand Hotaru Imai.

At first, she thought Imai was one of those city folk who excel in everything and see others around them as beneath them. That was certainly Mikan's first impression of her after seeing how she didn't mingle with anybody in the class (or anybody in the village) when she first came to this small village.

But then Imai approached her, showing a poster for a singing competition and said, "Cute girls like us need to stay together."

Mikan understood that she was only saying that because Hotaru wanted someone to join her in the singing competition, but she was attracted. Perhaps it was her vanity that Hotaru had appealed to, or perhaps it was the fact that Hotaru had approached her when there was so many others who are much more talented in singing like Tomoyo or Rika. She never truly remembered why she agreed to the singing competition.

After they won, Mikan thought Hotaru would stay away from her. However, Hotaru stayed. Mikan wondered why when it was so obvious that Hotaru was constantly annoyed with every little thing that Mikan had done, but there's nothing wrong with gaining a new friend so Mikan accepted her and tried to put more effort in becoming friends. It was difficult because Hotaru is not someone who likes to talk but Mikan makes it work.

That doesn't mean that Hotaru never received one of her fake smiles though. Mikan does smile brightly whenever Hotaru calls her 'Idiot' or hits her with one of her inventions for whatever reason. Mikan smiled and bore it all.

For an only child with a single mother moving to a large city like Tokyo, it was a terrifying experience. Everything was big and tall and there were barely any green plants like the trees that Mikan had been so used to. Everybody moved like they are trying to chase after something, and it was noisy all the time. Even at night, it was noisy.

Mikan didn't like it here, this cold, concrete jungle. She's trying to mingle with her new classmates at her school, of course she does, but it's kinda hard when they make fun of you all the time because you're a country bumpkin with a funny accent. Hotaru moved to Tokyo too, because her family decided to move to Tokyo due to adult stuff. Hotaru's in the same class as her, but as much as Mikan tried to spend time with her, it seems that Hotaru is always busy with something.

Thankfully, her classmates weren't all bad. Tobita-kun, or as everyone called him, Iinchou, helped her a lot when she was trying to take in everything. Kokoro Yome, was pretty cool, even though it's a bit freaky that he's able to know people's thoughts all the time (maybe that's why his name means mind reader? A bit of a weird name to give to your child, but Mikan knows a person named Pikachu who is their neighbour, so maybe that's how city folks are like.). Anna Umenomiya and Nonoko Ogasawara, despite their uncanny resemblance, are not in any way related to each other, yet they are attached to the hip and they are very welcoming towards Mikan.

And then there's her seatmate, a grumpy boy named Natsume Hyuuga and his blond best friend, Ruka Nogi. Mikan didn't like them much because Natsume embarrassed her in front of the entire class by flipping her skirt up and showed her classmates her childish polka dot printed panties, nicknaming her "Polka," when Mikan went to him to introduce herself to them. Nogi-san doesn't seem that bad, but Mikan thought it was mean that he didn't stop his friend from bullying her, so Mikan also didn't like him much. Unfortunately, the school had a partner system, and Mikan was partnered with Hyuuga of all people by her eccentric sensei. And so, Mikan had to do a lot of things together with Hyuuga, because it was the rules, but it's difficult when your partner bullies you all the time and escapes from class frequently.

Mikan really, really didn't like being here. But Uncle Kazu was here and he comforted her whenever he came to pick her up from school at the end of the day, saying, "It's ok. You just have to try harder and show them that you are just as amazing as they are. Don't ever show them that it bothers you, because they'll then bully you even more." Mikan took her uncle's words to heart, and tried her very best to fit in and be the best student she possibly could, but it's hard. It's really hard.

While Mikan is having a bad time at school, Kaa-chan, on the other hand, looked content here. Mikan wouldn't say she was happy, that certainly would never happen because Tou-chan took away Kaa-chan's smile the moment he passed away, but Kaa-chan looked more fulfilled here than she ever did when she was in the village. And perhaps it was also because Kaa-chan made a new friend, a man named Shiki Masachika.

Masachika-san was quiet, sombre; a bit like Kaa-chan, really. Perhaps that's why they hit it off so well. And Mikan sometimes see how her mom stared at Masachika-san when he's distracted. It wasn't like the loving looks she gave Tou-chan, but that gaze showed more positive emotion than any smile she gave to Mikan. Mikan thought it was unfair.

"Why should a stranger make Kaa-chan happy? Why can't I be the reason Kaa-chan is content? Why am I not enough? Does this mean I'm not important enough to Kaa-chan?"

She never voiced those thoughts. They were always there, though. Mikan shoved them at the back of her mind and smiled at her Kaa-chan whenever she looked at her daughter, because that's what good daughters do. They never make their mother's life more difficult than it already is.

Lately, Mikan's been learning to cook. Her Kaa-chan was barely home because she was working and although she sees Uncle Kazu every school day, he never stays for dinner because he's busy too. So Mikan is more often than not, left around the house alone.

Convenience store bentous are delicious, but Mikan doesn't like the taste of pre-packaged food that it often have. And despite having made progress in making friends at school, she doesn't know them well enough to invite into her home. So Mikan decided she had to try to be independent.

She cleans the house, does the laundry, goes to buy groceries every day at that big, intimidating supermarket near their apartment complex, cooks meals for her family, studies and those her homework. Rinse and repeat. She also calls her grandpa often, telling him everything that she experienced. Let it not be said that she misses her grandpa just as much as he misses his beloved granddaughter.

Mikan noticed how relieved Kaa-chan looked when Mikan started doing the chores at home. Kaa-chan came home and whatever food that Mikan was cooking for dinner would be served by the time Kaa-chan finished changing her clothes. Kaa-chan would always ruffle her hair, or when she's feeling particularly affectionate, kiss her forehead and pull Mikan into her arms. Mikan liked it when her Kaa-chan is affectionate.

But her being so helpful also meant that Kaa-chan worries about her less. Now that Mikan's fine on her own, Kaa-chan barely notices her anymore. Mikan rarely ever see her at night and only ever saw her in the morning, and even then Kaa-chan is almost never home. Mikan had this feeling that she's spending time with Masachika-san.

Honestly, he isn't bad, but Mikan slightly resented him for taking her Kaa-chan away from her. Kaa-chan looks so at peace though, so Mikan ignored whatever negative feelings she had and always gave Masachika-san more food whenever he came over for dinner with them.

Over time, Mikan got to know Masachika-san better, and started warming up to him. She calls him Shiki-san now. But that feeling of discontentment in her chest never fades.

Life in the city is starting to grow on her.

After the rocky start with her classmates, Mikan worked hard to gain their approval. She studied as much as she could, excelled in sports, made sure to talk and say hi to her classmates everyday and tried to have fun with her club, the Home Ec. Club. As time went by, Mikan gradually gained their approval and trust. Her grades were consistently As, even in math which she hated. She made friends with her clubmates and became fast friends with Anna and Nonoko. She likes Iinchou and Koko, and Ruka is nice. She may even be developing a small crush on Ruka (ok, maybe not so small, but hey, she's trying not to let him know). Natsume isn't so bad, if you can ignore that surly attitude of his. Now, if only he can stop looking at her panties all the time...

Mikan's trying to win over them, and slowly it's working. They still think of her as a stranger, somebody who doesn't quite fit in but at least they are talking and conversing with her in a relatively neutral fashion. Better that than being hated or ignored, or Kami-sama forbid, both.

That's not to say that she was happy. She has never quite felt that for a while now. But she does feel more grounded, and content. It's not quite happiness, but it's a start.

She should have known it wasn't going to last long.

A.N: Next update will be up in a few hours.