Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama Island, Harry Potter, or any references Izzy makes in this fanfic.
Author's Notes: This oneshot came to me in a whim. Basically, I wanted to try and write a TDI fanfic with no romance in it, to see if it was possible. I think I did it!
I wouldn't consider girls ogling over Justin to be romance...that's just admitting that they think he's hot...right?
Noah's Day Not Off
In his mind, it was all merely an algebraic equation. 25 degrees Celsius temperature, plus gentle wafting breeze, plus comfortable lounge chair, plus the newest Parry Hotter novel, equals perfect day. Sadly for him, another variable was hiding, waiting to subtract from his experience today.
Noah laid himself down on his designated lounge chair; the one furthest away from the Pool Des Losers. His perfect day did not include water soaking his white T-shirt. He smirked as he opened up to the first page of his thick book. Finally, after a decade of waiting, he reached the conclusion of Parry Hotter's epic story, and he could critique it to shreds.
Parry Hotter; the boy who did not die. However, his nemesis Lord Moldywart wanted him dead. After all, it was all in the prophecy. One couldn't live while the other-
"DUCK!"
The tale of a young wizard was interrupted as Noah was smacked on the top of the head. Furiously, he swiveled his head to find a blur of orange upon green zipping amongst the other campers.
"DUCK!" Ezekiel's toque was nearly knocked off. "DUCK!" Justin furiously started fixing up his once-perfect hair. "DUCK!" Tyler turned around the punch the culprit, but ended up falling on his rear.
Noah rolled his eyes and sighed deeply. Now that Izzy was here, he'd have to redouble his efforts to ignore the other campers.
"GOOSE!!!!!" Izzy zipped past the annoyed egghead, but her assailant wasn't following.
"SADIE!!!" Katie sobbed into her damp pillow. "I SO MISS YOU!!!"
The redhead, now at the opposite side of the island, put her fingers in her ears and stuck out her tongue. "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! You can't catch me!"
"She doesn't WANT to catch you, idiot," Noah thought to himself as he picked up his book. He looked back to the only other camper there with any common sense, and sure enough…
"I doon't think she's ready to play with ya, eh," Ezekiel noted, walking over to the crazy girl. "She's still gettin' oover loosin' her BFFFL."
Izzy looked at him for a moment as if he were crazy, then suddenly… "TAG!" She pushed the prairie boy onto the ground. "YOU'RE IT!!!" With assorted crazy laughter, the crazy girl crazily ran past Noah yet again, who was starting to be driven crazy by her crazy antics.
He pushed the book into his face, hoping that it was drown out the noise around him somehow. "Don't pay attention to them Noah," he muttered to himself through gritted teeth. "Just be one with the book…one with the book…"
Professor Dingledorf's death still haunted Parry as he slept in his summer home; the abode of his nasty Aunt Tulip, Uncle Vermont, and cousin Diddy Kong. After he awoke from yet another nightmare, he turned to his pet albino newt. But he was dead. Parry Hotter cried, telling his beloved pet, "I-
"GUESS WHO?!!!"
The egghead's view of Parry Hotter's epic fable was blocked by a very obvious pair of hands, much to his chagrin.
"Hmmm, that's a hard one, Izzy," he drolly replied. "I mean, how could I possibly guess who would annoy me to this degree, Izzy?"
"Ya can't figure it out?" the crazy girl asked, oblivious as always to sarcasm. "I'll give ya a hint then! It rhymes with dope!"
Noah rolled his unseen eyes. "Izzy does not rhyme with dope." He forcefully wrenched her hands off his face and dug back into his book.
Suddenly, the Disciples of the Pigeon arrived, along with Parry's best friends, Rob and that girl with the ridiculous name-
A pack of cards bounced off the book into the egghead's face. "Now what?" he growled.
"Let's play Gin Mummy!"
Noah looked back up at the smiling girl and sighed. "It's called Gin-"
"GUUUUUHHHHH…" A mummy walked over to the campers, moaning, and took out some cards.
The smart aleck, for once, had nothing sarcastic to say. He gasped and pointed at the mummy. "Wh-wh-where did he come from?!"
The same smile never left Izzy's face. "I found him on the internet! It's amazing what you can find on there nowadays! Just ask Timmy Turner!"
"GUUUUUHHHHH…" The mummy ate his cards.
"HEY!" Izzy smacked the mummy on the back. "Bad mummy! BAD! You don't eat the cards until we finish the game!"
"GUUUUUHHHHH…" The mummy looked downwards in shame.
Izzy shook her head. "I really should've trained him before bringing him here…Hey Noah! Let's play…" She then noticed that the egghead mysteriously vanished. "Hide and Seek? Great idea! One…two…three…"
---
It looked like some variables were to be subtracted from the formula. There was no gentle wafting breeze or comfortable lounge chair in the boiler room, but he figured that the biggest negative variable wouldn't think to look for him there.
"Aaaaahhhh…" The bookworm leaned on the warm boiler, using its warm red glow to read his book.
Left and right, spells flew. BAM! There goes a wizard. BANG! A witch fell off her broomstick. Parry ducked as low as he could on his own broomstick, lowering the chances of getting hit. Suddenly, a familiar wail echoed through the cold night air.
"HE'S DEAD!" Hagger screamed. "THEY KILLED-
"FOUND YA!!!!!"
Noah looked up in annoyance to see the very same crazy redhead he was trying to avoid, standing triumphantly in front of him.
"You think you can defeat Izzy?" she taunted. "You cannot defeat Izzy! Izzy is the five-time Hide and Seek world champion! Or, at least she would be if she weren't disqualified that second year…I still have the restraining order!" She held out a restraining order, an object that Noah coveted.
"Could you please leave me alone?" he snarled, snapping his book closed and preparing to walk out the room. However, Izzy was to have none of that.
"Oh come on, Noah! You sped too much time reading your silly books, and not enough time hanging out with people!"
The egghead furiously turned back to the insane girl. "Oh, and what have people done for me, huh?"
"Be nice?"
"…Whatever." Noah walked up the stairs without another word
---
CLICK! CLACK! CLICK! Noah finished putting on the 42nd lock to the door in his room, then quadruple-checked every single window. Sure enough, every single one was covered with steel sheathing. It was hard work, but it would all pay off in the end.
He laid down on his bed, shivering, and put on a blanket. The thermostat was broken, which removed another variable on his perfect day. At least he still had his book.
Parry stared at the artifact in his hand. It was a gold pocket watch, which looked simple enough, but it was also something else. It contained a fragment of Lord Moldywart's soul. His evil, twisted soul, the soul that was responsible for the murder of-
The book was wrenched from his hands. "HEY! I paid good money for that, you know!"
Izzy wagged a finger in protest as she held the book out of Noah's reach. "Uh uh uh, Mr. Grumpypants! If you want this book, you're gonna have to be more sociable!"
"Sociable my Gluteus Maximus! Give it back!" Sadly, Noah was a wimp, thus Izzy was capable of holding him back with a single arm, while the other one dangled the precious book above a conviently-placed wood chipper.
"Be friendly and play with me!" the redhead whined, somehow sounding threatening regardless, "Or Parry Hotter goes bye-bye!"
The book was the last variable left in Noah's precious equation. He had no choice.
"Fine," he growled. "What kinds of whimsical adventures will we pursue, oh Cotton Candy Princess?"
Izzy grinned. "Chicken."
Tyler screamed from outside.
---
"You know, maybe you should just destroy the book," Noah whimpered, staring at an object far more dangerous than a cliff, or a brick wall, or whatever could possibly be used for a game of Chicken: Eva.
"Nope!" Izzy chirped. "You're already here, so you're playing with me! Whoever has the guts to get nearest to Eva while playing polka music wins!" She took out an accordion.
"Doesn't Eva hate polka music?" the egghead asked fearfully.
"That's the plan, Stan! I'll go first!" Izzy started dancing forward as she played her accordion.
"My name's Noah!" he yelled.
However, she was too distracted by her polka to respond. "Iiiiit's tiiiime to polka! For Ponyta and Pidgey too! C'mon put oooon your leeederhosen! And try not to stamp on little Pikachu! You'd better graaaab yoursellllf a partner! Like Tentacruel or Bulbasaur! BULBASAUR! Hoooold ooon a minute! There's still at least a hundred and twenty-seven more!" At this point, she was only two feet away from the raging bull known as Eva.
"Well," Noah said to himself. "At least she won't bother me anymore when she's dead…"
Unfortunately for our protagonist, Izzy survived the punch. She landed right next to him, a large fist-shaped indent in her face but with the same smile as ever.
"Two feet!" she cheered. "Can ya beat it, Stan?" She handed him her broken accordion.
"My name's not Stan," Noah listed, "I don't play accordion, and this accordion is broken."
"Well why didn't ya say so?" Izzy handed him a sitar.
"Sitars don't play polka music."
The crazy girl smacked her forehead. "Haven't ya ever heard of imagination? SHEESH!" She pushed him three feet closer to his doom, sitar in his hands.
---
"Well, I was really nervous," Noah admitted. "I had so much to live for, like…reading more books, and playing more video games. I didn't want to die."
---
Izzy looked around in surprise. "Since when did Playa Des Losers have a Confessional Stall?"
---
Noah clenched his eyes shut and delicately plucked one of the strings on the sitar. Doink… He opened one eye to see if he was in Heaven yet. No he wasn't. And he wasn't at that other place, either.
Feeling a little more confident, the nerd took a small step forward. Doink!
Eva did not respond.
Doink! Doink! DOINK! DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK DOINK! Noah plucked the strings harder and harder, trying to imitate a polka feeling on the sitar. However, it sounded more like someone trying to play funk and failing miserably. Before he knew it, he was two feet from Eva, tying Izzy's score.
"Hey Izzy!" he yelled over the cacophony of his awful sitar playing. "I made it! I beat you! I-" The atmosphere changed as Eva stood up, glowering at the egghead.
Noah gulped, the memories of his infancy flashing before him.
Eva looked furious, about to magically transform the nerd before her into a red smear. Then she smiled and chuckled. "Izzy put ya up to this?"
Noah was taken aback. "Uh…yeah."
Eva smiled. "You've got guts, kid. I admire that." She thumped him on the back, nearly breaking his spine.
"Thanks…" the egghead replied, clutching his back and limping back to Izzy.
"You won! YAY!" the crazy girl cheered, thumping Noah on the exact same spot Eva thumped him. He fell to the ground, moaning.
"Can…" he struggled, "…I…have…my…book back please?"
Izzy rubbed her chin in thought. "Hmmmm…I may have to think about that for a moment NO! We have many more fun activities to do together first!" She took Noah's hand and dragged him through the island, not caring how many times his face hit something.
---
"Is this costume really necessary?" the furious nerd asked, scratching at a rough patch of his new pie costume.
The energetic redhead nodded, leaping up onto the stage. "Of course, silly! You're playing the lead role!"
Noah sighed, briefly skimming the script in his hand. "Last time I checked, there were no sentient pies in The Nutcracker."
Izzy giggled, rolling her eyes. "Well, you checked wrong! The Nutcracker stars a coconut pie made with nutmeg!" She slipped herself in a rather unsettling costume; a giant hammer. "Alright, now we need the extras! Zeke?!"
Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Painful squeaking sounds occurred every time Ezekiel took a step in his disturbingly small leotard. "Do I really hafta wear this, eh? I think it's ridin' oop!"
"Are ya kidding? You look so KYUT!" The crazy girl leapt forward and pinched one of the prairie boy's cheeks, much to his chagrin.
Noah smirked, muttering to himself, "At least I'm not wearing THAT…"
"Mr. McGorgeousness?" Izzy asked.
Dreamy music played as Justin in a suit of armor clanked on the stage, adoring himself in his handheld mirror.
"Isn't he dreeeeeaammmmyyyyy…?"
Noah scoffed, "No. Can we please get this over with?"
"Sure!" She bonked him with the hammer on her costume.
"Hey!" the nerd protested. "I wasn't ready-" He was drop kicked by Ezekiel. Then Justin started hitting him with the blunt end of his sword. Soon, the poor egghead was getting mercilessly beat up by the three other actors.
"YEAH! BEST BALLET EVER!" Eva roared from the stands. "ENCORE! ENCORE!"
Izzy briefly poked her head out from the Noah carnage. "Okay! But only because you asked so nicely!" They started beating up Noah twice as hard.
---
Izzy beamed as she pulled Noah's respirator through the woods.
"Where are you taking me now?!" the nerd asked irately.
She turned back to him, the same smile plastered on her face. "We're going to a magical place, made entirely out of food…"
Noah quirked an eyebrow. "You mean Owen's stomach? Because there's nothing magical about-"
Izzy suddenly stopped pulling the gurney and plopped down on the ground. Noah stopped after a few seconds, dangerously close to falling off a cliff.
"IZZY! YOU COULD'VE KILLED…wait a minute…isn't this that cliff that we had to dive from on day 1?"
"Yeah. Didja know that Playa Des Losers is actually on the same island as Camp Wawanakwa? Because it is!"
Noah rolled his eyes. "That host Chris is such a cheapskate."
"Yeah, but that's not important right now. Look upward!" Izzy pointed a finger towards the heavens. They were that color that you could never tell whether it was blue or black, and there were stars everywhere.
Noah snorted. "Great. A night sky. It's amazing, isn't it?"
The crazy girl missed the sarcasm. "Yes it is, my nerdy buddy…there's no light pollution in a hundred miles, so this cliff provides the greatest night sky in all of Canada!"
"Whatever. Can we go now?"
Izzy sighed, shaking her head. "Poor Noah…refusing to see nature's true beauty. Look at all the constellations she created for us mere mortals to awe at." She traced her fingers in the shapes of the constellations, but from Noah's vantage point it just looked random. "There's Peter the corn cob over there, and over there is Porky the giant spider!"
"Those aren't real constellations, Izzy."
The redhead was unfazed. "Sure they are, Noah. All you have to do is connect the dots the right way to find them! Ooh, Sasha the Chupacabra is bright tonight!"
Seeing as he couldn't run away, Noah decided to humor the crazy girl and try to find the constellations she was describing. As he raised his finger to help him connect the dots, Izzy squealed.
"Oh look! You're actually doing it!"
"Don't rub it in," he grunted. Nevertheless, he continued looking for the constellations. It all seemed fruitless to him, as all he could see were the Big Dipper and friends. Finally, when he was about to give up, he found something. That star, connected to that star over there…yes…yes…it looked like…
That's when Owen sleepwalked by.
"OWEN!" Noah shouted. "Did you eat baked beans AGAIN?!"
The loveable tub of lard seemed to hear him subconsciously, because he murmured a resonse. "Beans…beans…DJ…barbeque…farticus…" He farted, propelling him off the cliff.
SPLASH! The water displaced by the huge boy flew up past the cliff, creating a neat, shimmery effect.
"Ooooooh…" Izzy's eyes widened and she clasped her hands together in awe. "It's not everyday you see something like THAT, huh?"
Noah sighed. The crazy girl beside him was able to see the beauty of Mother Nature's work, but all he saw was a bunch of water droplets flying through the air.
Then he saw it. The constellation he was looking at earlier, twinkling like crazy from beneath the splash.
Wawanakwa Island.
---
Izzy strolled casually through the forest, pulling Noah behind her. "So, was today fun?"
"Actually…it kind of was." The nerd was shocked by what he was saying.
"Didja like it when I beat the snot outta you?"
Noah looked confused for a moment, then regained his placid state of mind. "Uh, no. I liked the star gazing. I never appreciated it before."
Izzy squealed, clasping her hands together. "You're LEARNING! You're finally LEARNING!"
Noah smiled. He always thought he was the smartest one at camp, but the crazy girl still managed to teach him something.
The pair returned to Playa Des Losers, finding the rest of the campers crowded around the dock.
"Whoa, dude! What happened to you?!" Tyler asked, resting a hand on Cody's wheelchair.
"Uh…I'd rather not talk about it…" was the response from the tech geek. "You can wait until today's episode aIIIRRRRRRSSSSS!!!!!" Tyler slipped, sending Cody flying back in the drink.
"Cody!" Izzy screamed, running over to the dock and stripping into her bathing suit. "I'm coming, Cody! I'm coming! Then we can spend the whole day together! I've got the pie costume ready for you!"
Noah watched in glee as she rescued the newest loser of TDI. He took out his Parry Hotter book and began to read. Izzy was no longer his problem. His perfect day could finally commence...
BANG! Lord Moldywart crumpled onto the ground, dead. The end.
The bookworm gave the novel a disgusted look. "That's it? What a rip-off!" He threw the book into Izzy's wood chipper.
The End
Author's Notes: If anyone spots any romance, I'd like to be told so I can delete it.