This was written for fun- i do not mean any offence to the author stephanie meyer. she owns all the characters: not me.

Edward lists his promises to Bella.

I promise to watch you sleeping every night- to stay in your room, observing from the shadows so that you don't notice me.

I promise to destroy your truck and pull out the engine if you decide to visit your best friend- who happens to be a werewolf.

I promise to leave you crying in the middle of the woods- after telling you I no longer care about you; and then decide to commit suicide when I hear of your "death".

I promise to want to drink your strawberry smelling blood- and to not chase after other girls with mango or lemon smelling blood.

I promise to introduce you to my vampire family, one of whom is a new vampire and may well kill you.

I promise to make you afraid of me, by threatening you so that you'll stay away from me- but then tell you that I love you.

I promise to tell you that I will turn you into a vampire- but then change my mind because I want you to have a "normal life".

I promise to force you to go to the school prom with me even though you hate dancing so that you will have a normal high school experience.

I promise to think that you are fragile and cannot take care of yourself- so much so that I buy you an armoured car as our engagement present.

I promise to take you to an island named after my mother for our honeymoon.

I promise to laugh when you break your hand after hitting your best friend.

I promise to bite our baby out of your womb if it won't come out naturally.

I promise to act like you are foul smelling and disgusting when we first meet so that I don't drink your blood.

I promise to abandon you so that you lose all your friends and end up jumping off a cliff.

I promise to call your best friend a "dog" and hate him with every fibre of my being.

I promise that other vampires will chase after you and want to kill you because of your sweet smelling blood.

I promise that I will eventually kill you and make you want to drink other human's blood- just like me.

I promise that on your first hunt my crazy sister will dress you in a cocktail dress and stilettos- which you will tear and hurl through a window so that you look even more of a slut than usual.

I promise to cringe away every time you kiss me so that I do not kill you.

I promise to love you just because you smell nice.

I promise that my sparkly skin will not blind you.

I promise to save you from being crushed by a van- but then deny it and act like you're crazy to protect myself.

I promise to keep asking you to leave me.

I promise to be a psychotic, suicidal Meyerpier.

I promise to love you for as long as I have "the skin of a killer!"

Review? ^^ xxx