Stargazing

She was awakened from her slumber when one of her neighbors found it necessary to slam their door shut. Groaning, she turned to the wall as the light from outside managed to illuminate the room through the blinds. It was probably late already, but she had no intention of leaving the bed. The warmth from the cover kept her in a sweet haze she wasn't willing to give up just yet. As the minutes passed, she realized she wouldn't be able to fall asleep again. The one time she hadn't had any nightmares, she was pulled from her sleep by a fucking door. Ever since high school, she'd had all these crazy nightmares and no one to tell them to. It was her own fault, though. She was the one who pushed everyone away. A heavy sigh left her mouth as she threw the cover off. She sat up slowly, eyes still closed, and reached for the flask on her bedside table. With practiced ease, she opened it and took five big gulps of the fiery liquid, not once flinching. She got used to the dry burn a long time ago. Still groggy from the lack of sleep, she stood up and wobbled over to the other side of the room where she knew a pile of relatively clean clothes waited for her. Her stash was almost gone and she had to buy more, forcing her to actually get dressed and leave the apartment. Despite knowing the outcome, she opened her eyes to look for the jar with money. As predicted, she gave out an almost hiss-like sound. Even if the room was more murky than bright, the few rays of sunshine sneaking in through the blinds were enough to burn her eyes. She cursed loudly, but decided that it was time to get used to the light. It would be worse once she got outside and easing into it was way better than the shock treatment of just stepping out, unprepared. Running her hands through her black hair and putting on her thick-rimmed glasses, she inspected her clothing options.

With money tightly held in one hand and her phone in the other, she left the apartment complex. The brightness wasn't as bad as she'd feared. It took some time to adjust to it, sure, but since she had opened the blinds earlier, it didn't take nearly as much time as it usually did. She walked the same path as she always did, straight to the convenient store around the corner. They had everything she needed and if it was the right cashier, the one with the big nose and too much empathy, she got a discount. He probably pitied her for always buying the same things; Two bottles of whiskey, one tequila, three vodka bottles, one egg carton, butter and some bread. She didn't need more than that. It wasn't like she ever got hungry anymore. She ate because she knew that she had to.

She used to be so much better. All that changed because of her own stupidity. If she had taken the warnings seriously, she wouldn't be like this. She wouldn't be so lonely. Even her mother had stopped talking to her. She would bring an occasional lunch box and leave it outside the door, but she never wanted to come in. She didn't even leave messages, just the food and then she'd be gone again. They used to be so close, but she had to ruin that too. Maybe she was better off alone anyway. The only thing she was good at was hurting the people she loved. All the bullshit she'd fed everyone, of course they got tired of it, she got tired of it. The sad thing about it was that it was addicting. At first, it was just a game. Once a lie went unnoticed, she had to top herself, go just a little further, maybe even break a few boundaries. The further it got, the more lies she told. Eventually she couldn't keep track of everything she'd said.

When lying wasn't enough she started to distance herself. The girls at school bullied her for every reason they could think of, but instead of telling someone, she crawled into herself, to her safe haven where nobody could reach her. Being alone, she created an alter ego, a version of herself that people would like. She would sneak out at night and go to college parties even if she was far too young. No one ever questioned why a 14 year old girl was there. They probably didn't know how old she actually was, but in no way did she look 18. Many bad things happened during that period, things she wasn't proud of. She already knew she was into girls, but she wanted to feel normal, if only just for a night. Except she didn't feel normal. She felt used and disgusting. The guys treated her like trash and left her naked and passed out with no way of getting home. Not a single person stopped to think; "Hey, maybe this young girl needs help." Not a single one. The morning after she'd call her mother, saying that she slept at a friend's house and forgot to call. Since she was used to lying, she was good at it and her mother believed her. She took advantage of her mother's trust and for what? Parties she would regret. Even her alter ego disliked what she did, but she couldn't stop. She needed the acknowledgment, the gratification of knowing that someone saw her and thought that she was worth something, even if that something was one night of pleasure on their behalf. Maybe they were right, maybe they were all right. The girls at school, the guys at the parties, they treated her like she deserved to be treated. It was like some divine power telling them she'd done something really bad and needed to be punished for it.

Then came Piper. The pretty girl with the blonde hair. She had moved to New York because her father got a job in Brooklyn. Piper was the kind of girl who would have all these smart things to say and she was kind to everyone. One day she introduced herself and since then, they were inseparable, making her believe that maybe, just maybe the universe wanted something good for her too. They would do everything together and the bullies would hate the blonde, but she only smiled at them and ignored all the hateful words. She was everything a broken soul needed, but she would never know what had happened in the past. That was locked away far, far back where no one was allowed, not even Piper.

However, hiding things from the person she loved turned out to be much harder than she'd thought. She started to crawl back into herself again, hiding so she wouldn't accidentally say something she wasn't supposed to. The last thing she wanted was for Piper to be concerned or sad, so she put on a smile to hide all her insecurities. The blonde knew, she must have, but she didn't say anything. Probably wanted it to come naturally and not force anything out. It didn't come out naturally, though. It stayed hidden, but Piper was patient. She always was. So patient and so understanding.

When they turned 15 they weren't just friends anymore. Beautiful Piper thought that she was worthy of her love. She had been absolutely terrified when the blonde had expressed her feelings. What if she would realize all her faults and leave her. Even so, she couldn't say no. Never. She wanted to be with Piper, but she didn't want Piper to be with her. No one deserved to be stuck with her. She didn't want to think about the possibility of the blonde leaving her, but it popped up in her head every time they held hands or kissed. All the 'what if's occupied her brain, causing her to break down and cry at the worst moments. Then she started hurting herself physically to numb the psychological pain. She would light cigarette butts and burn her upper arms and on the inside of her thighs causing her to never wear short legged or sleeved clothes. No one noticed, though. Only Piper, but yet again she trusted that the truth would come out if she was patient.

The raven haired girl never uttered a word about it, but she felt bad for creating new lies. There were enough of them already and the blonde didn't deserve to be lied to. The burns stopped, but something worse came out of it. She began smoking and drinking, behaving badly and pushing her lovely girlfriend away, treating her like she had been treated. Eventually Piper gave her two options; To stop behaving like a dick or to stop dating. She didn't give her a verbal answer, but she didn't do anything about her behavior. Just like that she had lost the love of her life. Her safe haven was no longer a safe place either. She couldn't even escape there anymore. Everything was just Piper. When she was gone, the fights with her mother began. The trusting bond completely dissolved and all that was left was disappointment. Staying in the same house as her mother turned out to be impossible. It was hard to deal with all the yelling and all the hurt. She moved to a small apartment. An apartment her mother payed for, hoping that the distance would repair their bond. It didn't. All it did was deepen the rift between them.

She swore to herself then, to never love again, to never let another person into her life, to only leave her apartment if it was absolutely necessary. Everything happened because of that. That dark void inside her that had her shivering every time she got near it. It was a memory she had pushed so far back that it was just a black hole. What would happen to her if she stopped pushing it back? Would the last ounce of light be devoured, leaving her completely naked in the dark? She was so afraid of herself to the point where she thought the best option was to drown everything out with alcohol. When sober, almost everything was clear, but if she was drunk she only had glimpses of memories. It was best for everyone if she kept to herself, drinking away the days.

Pulling the jacket closer to herself, she walked a little faster, kicking some pebbles as she went. It had gotten so cold over the last few weeks. The leaves were decorating the ground with their fiery colors and her breaths turned into foggy little clouds. It wouldn't take long for the first snow to come. She didn't really like the winter, especially not since she'd started drinking. The snow was way too bright and it was also cold. The girls at school would be the absolute worst during the winter, which contributed to her hatred. They would take her jacket and put it in the snow when she was in class, telling the teacher they went to the bathroom. It still got her angry just thinking about it. Piper wasn't a fan of the cold either. They had always talked about moving to a warmer country, like Bali or something where they could swim and sunbathe all year, but they never got to it. Looking back, it might have been for the best. She'd never been good for the blonde and never would be. Not that she would ever get the chance to be. Piper had a new life and was probably married to a person who treated her like she deserved, a person who didn't lie or keep secrets from her. A person that wasn't her.

She reached the sidewalk, foot getting stuck under a stone and stumbled forward. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to regain balance and landed face first onto cold stone. The hard fall had her black out for a few seconds, but she soon recovered, blinking her eyes open. Somewhere down the road a woman shouted something. The voice sounded worried and it came closer. A groan left the raven haired woman's throat as she sat up and adjusted her, surprisingly still intact, glasses. She felt dizzy and like she was going to throw up, but there wasn't any blood to be seen so it wasn't that bad. Her wrists were aching, though. She must have caught herself, somewhat easing the fall. The other woman was crouched down beside her, stroking her back in a comforting motion while asking how she was feeling. Her voice was so soft and undeniably familiar. She knew that voice, but the fall must have made her hallucinate. Not wanting to keep the painful illusion up, she pushed her hair away from her face to thank the other woman properly. Shoulder length, blonde hair and worried blue eyes, a sight all too familiar.

"Pipes?" She was definitely hallucinating.

"Alex? Is it really- How are you? You okay? The fall, it looked... It looked pretty bad." The raven haired woman just stared at the blonde. Maybe she had blacked out for real. She'd had to. Piper acted way too calm and not at all disgusted or angry just... Just concerned and maybe a little curious. Clearing her throat, she brushed some dirt off of her jacket and sat up straighter, wanting to look somewhat presentable for the other woman. She shook her head and took a deep breath before answering.

"No, I'm... I'm okay, I think." Her mouth felt dry, like she'd tried to clean the Sahara with her tongue. Piper seemed different, but somehow not at all. She still had the same caring eyes, the concerned little wrinkles above her eyebrows and she even used that hushed tone she always had when troubled. Everything was the same, yet she still seemed different. A good different. It hit her like a brick to the face when she figured out what had changed. The blonde looked full of life and not exhausted and worn out. The last time they talked to each other, Piper had looked so tired with dark circles under her red eyes. She'd put all the cards on the table, told her that she'd been up all night crying and why. It had hurt so fucking much to see her like that, to hear that it was all her fault. Another reason to dwell in self loathing. She had dragged the other through hell for her own selfish reasons.

"You don't look very okay, though. Are you sick? Have you not eaten well? You look so thin and your cheeks are staring to hollow out." Alex panicked for a second. She probably looked like shit with half dirty clothes and fucked up hair, not to mention her overall sick looking features. It was true that her cheeks had hollowed out quite a bit and she had that same tired look as Piper had all those years ago, dark circles to go with it. Even her eyes had started to sink into her skull, but it wasn't as notable as everything else. Fortunately she was dressed in many layers of clothing, hiding the way her ribs would poke out slightly when she stood up straight and also the lack of fat and muscles on her arms. She didn't really look anorectic, but definitely not healthy.

"Oh, yeah. I've been very sick for a while so I couldn't really eat. I'm much better now, though," the raven haired woman said with ease. She really was stupid, wasn't she? Lying the first chance she got. Pathetic. Piper nodded and seemed to actually swallow the lie. She was such a good person and Alex took advantage of that. Again. It was as if she hadn't learned anything from her previous experiences, walking down that dangerous path of deception and manipulation again. This time the blonde wouldn't be affected, though. Piper would go back to her life and Alex would have yet another memory to drink away. The blonde had been nice to her and she couldn't afford the luxury of thinking about it. Those thoughts were poison and could very well drive her insane. Not that she was ever sane to begin with. It was just normal for her to act like a complete fucking idiot and speaking of normal. Piper stood up and stretched out a hand for her to take, seemingly wanting to leave the scene and walk to wherever she was going. As soon as the other woman had gone, her life would go back to normal.

"Hey, here's a thought. We should have dinner tonight. I live just around the corner, 13D."

Except it wouldn't. All kinds of lies swam around in her head, some of them plausible and others plain stupid. Neither of them would actually leave her lips, though. Instead her mouth hung open, like a patient's, waiting for their doctor to stick a tongue depressor down their throat. Maybe not that wide of a gape, but her mouth was definitely open and unwilling to close. She had to say no. There was no way she could actually go through with a dinner, not with her. Just the thought had her nauseous. Piper deserved better, she was too good.

"If you have time of course. Or maybe you don't even live here? Maybe you're just visiting a friend. Or a girlfriend even. Shit, I didn't think of that. And I must sound really cocky. There's a chance that you don't even want my company and I'm just assuming-"

"Dinner sounds lovely." She must have missed all the stop signs and walked straight into a fucking wall. There was no return from the disaster she'd made. It would've been so much easier if she'd just lied her way out it, but no. She was a masochist, wanting to get burned by the bright flame that was Piper Chapman. Despite her wanting to lay down and disappear, she grabbed hold of the blonde's still outstretched hand and managed to stand up. In a matter of minutes she'd gone from happily oblivious of the other woman's proximity to painfully aware. Then came the dinner plan. It was a really fucking stupid plan. Dinner did not sound lovely. Even so, she couldn't say no. Never.

xxx

Instead of going to the store, she'd turned around and walked home again. Her head was throbbing, making her fall to the floor as soon as she'd closed the door behind her. She had stared at her feet for a good forty minutes, trying to reassemble the carefully sorted thoughts. Everything had its own place and it needed to stay that way in order for her to have some sort of control over her life. All memories were sorted by the impact they'd had on her. The worst ones were in the far back and milder ones were close enough for her to reach. However, Piper's sudden appearance had made everything clutter. Nothing was suddenly where it was supposed to be. She'd been home again by four pm, alone with her thoughts for four more hours. That hadn't gone nearly as well as she'd hoped. By five she was close to ruining the few things she had in her apartment, completely overtaken by anger. By six she was laying in fetal position on the floor, crying silently. By seven she considered smashing her empty liqueur bottles and pressing the sharp shards into her arms and legs, marking her up real good. That didn't happen, though. She picked up her phone and noticed that time had flown away. It was almost nine. With a humorless laughter, she put it down on the floor again and emptied the Old Crow Reserve whiskey bottle. Wasn't it full when she began drinking? Probably.

She had sort of promised herself to stay sober, at least for the night, but that was never really an option to begin with, was it? If she'd gotten a penny for every alcohol-related promise she had made, she'd have more money than a drug lord. Sobriety didn't seem to be her thing, not her cup of tea. Her teacups were filled with bourbon and sweet promises of temporary amnesia. The only negative with that was the "temporary" part. Real, full on amnesia wouldn't be that bad at all, actually. As she reached for another bottle of liquid escape, the real world crashed down on her with a few tentative knocks on the door. She had woken up that morning by a door and yet again she awoke by another fucking door. Her neighbors really had a thing for bothering her when she should be left alone. A more firm knock had her stumbling to the wooden nuisance. The door wasn't to blame, though, she thought as she turned the handle. It really wasn't. A gorgeous, blonde woman with beautiful sapphire eyes was to blame. Right. She'd told Piper where she lived. Considering the current situation, that probably hadn't been such a good idea. It took a some time for the blonde to realize the state she was in, eyes going from worried to mad in a split second.

"How fucking dare you? I waited for forty five minutes and you've been sitting here, drinking. You really haven't changed one bit, have you? I've felt bad for leaving you like that for seven years and this is how I find you? With a bottle in hand and completely drunk off your ass. I thought that I meant something to you, but clearly I was wrong. It was just an eighteen year old's hopes. I left you because of how selfish you were and you're still exactly the same. Do you even know how much you hurt me, how much I'm hurting right now? Do you even care? You could at least have had the decency to tell me right away instead of giving me false hope. It's like you want me to suffer, but don't you think I've suffered enough? I loved you. I really did, but I see how it is. Fuck you, Alex."

She wanted to answer, but no words seemed to surface. Instead she watched as the blonde woman shook her head, a look of disappointment and disgust written on her face. Yet again she felt nauseous and angry. She could understand why Piper would believe what she'd just said, but it wasn't true. Not all of it. As for the parts that were true, she already beat herself up pretty good for it, it wasn't like she needed to hear it from other people too. Especially not from the blonde. She'd fucked up again, hadn't she? As something, hopefully words, bubbled up her throat, the other woman turned around and walked to the elevator, not waiting even a second more. The words died on her tongue as the iron doors closed behind Piper. She could feel her hands starting to tremble. Even one night, one fucking night, in a sober state was too much of a task for her. Turning around, slowly to keep her balance, she felt completely empty. All anger drained and her mind was set on one thing. She needed to get to the bathroom.

With the bottle still in her hand, she managed to get safely to the medicine cupboard, grabbing all painkillers she could find. No stop signs flashed as she sat down in the shower, it was all clear and she could see the horizon without any disturbances this time, only a lonely road leading her to the flaming sunset. She closed her eyes, for once welcoming memories of her Piper. As she filled her mouth with all kinds of pills, she went back to the time where kissing the blonde was normal, when they would spend hours just staring at each other, when they held up a happy charade. Despite the happy memories, tears escaped her closed eyes. It would all end in a few hours or however long it took for her body to absorb the pills and alcohol. She didn't know how long it took for everything to turn black, but the last thing she saw was sapphire eyes.

AN: I just can't seem to help myself with these angsty fics. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this two-shot because I worked bloody hard on it x)

Also, thank you so so much for the follows and the comments on my previous stories. You guys are incredible!

These characters does not belong to me in any way, shape or form.

Ps; I want to thank my lovely lovely friend trasigtnintendo for helping me with this. Without her, this wouldn't be as good.

PPS; Please read the second chapter as well as it has a happy ending!