AN: Third thing that I've written in second person narrative and I've gotta say that I don't like it. Honestly, I feel like I tried to hard to push the angst and then reading it back I realized that but I didn't want to re-write it and then the way this ends is just... Suffice to say that I need to better commit to angst if I ever decide to write it again.
This follows "Want" and "Possibilities" taking place almost immediately after the latter.
She's close. You can hear her panting against your ear. The sound of your name off her lips is by far the most beautiful thing you're ever heard. You feel her clench around you. Rachel's not a screamer as you had as you had originally thought. Instead she comes apart with a soft gasp. She whimpers in exhaustion and you can't quite blame her. You love the look on her face when she comes so you always strive to send her over the edge as many times as you can. But she's tired and she needs her rest.
Her voice sounds a bit hoarse and so you offer to get her some water. You don't wait for an answer before haphazardly tossing on some clothes and heading towards the kitchen. You grab a clean glass and fill up before heading back to your room. Inside you see that Rachel's gone and helped herself to some of your clothes. She has one of your old Yale hoodies on. It's a bit oversized but also quite cute. You hand her the glass and she downs in a few gulps. She then proceeds to make herself comfortable on your bed.
You curl up behind her and whisper sweet, comforting nothings into her ear while trailing kisses along the side of her face. She places her hand over yours and brings it up to her chest. Rachel briefly presses both your hands against her heart before pulling you hand up higher and softly kissing your knuckles. "I love you," she says, and then she kisses them again. Your heart skips a beat and you wait a second, maybe two, before whispering the words back to her. It's not much longer until Rachel's exhaustion gets the better of her. She drifts off to sleep and you take a moment to just… hold her. But soon your eyes close and you too fall into a deep slumber.
The following morning goes on like any other in which you wake beside her. You're up first, and you really should wake her. She's got a busy day ahead of her and maybe if you wake her now you'll be able to make her some breakfast or something. Or she might just head out the door. Like any other any other day such as this one you expect the latter. You've never actually tried though so maybe she might… You feel her start to rouse and you push your thoughts aside for the time being. She groans lightly and rolls around to face you.
"Hey," you whisper. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?" She shakes her head slowly. Her eyes are still closed and it's clear that she's still quite sleepy. You know her well enough to know she's probably lying and that she's only trying to make sure you don't feel bad. You appreciate her effort and so you try to believe her. You try to enjoy this because you know what comes next.
"What time is it?"
You turn to check the clock. "It's almost six," you tell her. "I guess you'll be leaving, huh?" The words just slip out and it takes but a second for her eyes to open. And she's looking at you and for a moment, if only just a moment, your walls falter. It's like high school again, back when she could look right into your soul and know exactly how you felt. Her brows scrunch together and realization hits her. She reaches for you face but doesn't actually go all the way to touch your skin.
You've fucked up. Like everything else in your life you've gone and fucked this up. You start to turn away but as you are, Rachel cups your cheek and stops you. She turns you back towards her and you put on a brave face. It's all you can do. Because if she's going to break you, and you know that she is, you don't want her to feel guilty about it. And maybe that's what real love is, or maybe you're just delusional and completely obsessed with her.
Maybe it doesn't matter because either way you're completely devoted to making her happy. And if she… if she decides to lean up, as she is right now, and if she wants to slowly pull you down. And if she… You gasp into her mouth. She's kissing you, and you're kissing her back. And this isn't the first time you've done this of course. You've kissed each other plenty of times, countless times. And while you hate to sound clichéd, you have to admit that this feels… different. There's a purpose to the way that her lips move against your own. Rachel's telling you things that she can't otherwise say. And perhaps you're being hopeful and a tad bit crazy, but you think that she's telling you that the happily ever after that you've been dreaming off might come true.
But then she pulls back, an indecipherable look upon her face. She rolls off the bed and heads for your bathroom while you, still dumbstruck by the turn of events, just watch. You follow as soon as you've regained your composure. You don't know what to expect so you're afraid but your worry for Rachel outweighs your fear. You try to open the door even though you know that it's bound to be locked. It is. You give a firm knock and call out her name, "Rachel?" Your voice breaks slightly so you muster up another attempt. "Rachel, can we talk?"
Surprisingly, Rachel opens the door. She pops her head and politely says, "I have to get ready for today. We can talk later." She tries to close the door once more. Normally you'd let her but today you don't. You extend your arm out to hold the door open, halting Rachel's attempts to close it as well as her attempts to escape this conversation.
"No," you plead. "This is important. We should talk about it now."
"Quinn," she sighs. "What do you want me to say? That I love you, because I do. You know that I do. But it's not that simple because…" She loves him too, and she has a family and she's fulfilling her dream and she doesn't have to say it. Both of you know. It's simply taken until now for it to really weigh down on you. Your daze drifts down, landing at your feet. Maybe it's better if you just… but now she's cupping your cheek and playing this silly little game again, tugging at your heartstrings and making you want her, making you need her.
You're sick of it and yet you keep coming back. You must be a masochist of some sort. Maybe subconsciously you actually like the pain or, more likely, you feel like you deserve it. But how horrible must you be to have to suffer like this; her fingers on your cheek, light and soft. Rachel would never want to hurt you and yet… "Stop," you whisper softly, and she does. Her hand pulls away and you steel yourself for what you must do next.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Everything. This!" you say, gesturing between the two of you. "I just- I just need this to stop. I need it to all stop." Confusion and worry mix upon her face and you hate yourself for what you're doing but you just can't, you can't let this go on. Tears are streaming down your face now and Rachel tries to pull you into her embrace but you're easily able to evade her. "No!" you yell, louder than you had intended. Rachel jumps back in fright and you just want to hold her and tell her you're sorry because you are but, "I can't do this anymore." You shake your head back and forth, feebly trying to wipe your tears away but they just keep coming. "I'm trying Rachel, and I've been trying, to just make you happy but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep pretending that I'm happy like this, and I can't live knowing that I'm just your second choice."
Your vision is blurry through your tears but you can still see the pain you've caused her and you hate yourself all the more. You watch her lips closely, you see them move, but you don't hear words come out. But then again, you don't know what words could make this all okay. But you do know the words that you have to say.
"Just go Rachel. Please just go." You turn away, close your eyes and wait for the sound of her retreating footsteps, but they don't come. You did expect Rachel to make such a hasty choice with such an ultimatum, but each passing second is like a dagger through the heart.
You feel her fingers intertwine with yours. "Quinn." You tug your hand away and turn your back to her, but Rachel's insistent. She wraps her arms around your waist and presses the side of her face against your back. "I'm sorry. I wanted to believe that you were okay with this but I guess I always knew that you weren't. I never meant to hurt you, I only-"
"Just go," you plead. "Please just go."
"No, I'm not going anywhere."
AN: I am more than likely going to continue this, but I'm quite disappointed that I'm already leading it towards a happy ending. Also, I have no idea when I'll continue. I guess it depends on when inspiration strikes. I just couldn't stick with the angst. *sighs* Maybe next time. I do have one angsty fic in mind, but it's not Faberry, nor do I have the heart to write it. Too many feels.