Guizhou, China
11:27 PM
"Uggh, my head." Waking up to the smell of a familiar fruit, I could barely make out my surroundings with my blurry vision. Shaking my head to focus, I looked around to find that the entire room is filled with balloons of different colours, shapes and sizes.
"Ddraig… I think we had one too many slices of the golden apple." Leaning against the wall to balance myself, I quickly went into the room's built-in washroom to freshen up.
Moving through the sea of balloons, I noticed that the room was humid, damp and pretty much run down in every way. Cockroaches were crawling out of the gaps in the flooring and the smell was terrible.
I quickly came to a conclusion that we must have found this abandoned building while under the hallucinating effect of the happy fruit because no sane person, hobo or not would live in this fetid piece of garbage. The smell was unbearable, it was like a mix of excrement from every animal in the zoo mixed with urine.
As for the readers out there, the golden apple here refers to a type of narcotic taken by dragons. Sometimes it is also known as the dragon's "happy fruit". My name is Issei and I will be narrating this entire story from my PoV.
While brushing my teeth, I felt a vibration coming from my right arm.
[Holy mother of pudding! Last night was great! We should definitely use boosted gift on the apples more often.]
This my friends, is Ddraig who is also known as the Red Dragon Emperor, Welsh Dragon and to me, the last person I would take any advice from.
"This is the last time I take any advice from you. And how did we end up with all these balloons anyway?"
[That's what you said last time when we we're in Venice piloting flying cows. Anyway Issei. Baby. Let's not sweat the small details, we have more pressing matters to attend to.]
Spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing my mouth with the putrid water from the sink, I replied "and what would that be?"
[We're out of golden apples. This is a serious matter.] Ddraig suddenly spoke, with a tone that should only be used while something serious happens like a main character dying.
"I think you're becoming too addicted…" in response to my wise judgement, Ddraig angrily retorted with [You can't tell me how to live my life bitch!] All the while sounding like a deranged drug addict who is going through rehab.
[I have been trapped in this fucking gauntlet for centuries without getting any (apples). So you better find more of those apples or so help me I'm going to fucking boost your balls until they explode. If I'm not getting any, you're going down with me…]
"Ddraig…" Ok… I'm going to have to carefully pick my choice of words for the next sentence or I'm going to be stuck a virgin for the rest of my eventful life.
"…Where do we start?" I replied with a forced happy smile on my face.
[We still have the seeds lucky enough. Now listen carefully.]
I took the gun shaped lighter from the top of the desk and began fiddling with it as Ddraig began his explanation.
[First, we're going to need to get to a high school in Japan.]
As I was about to ask why the flying funk. I'm trying not to go higher than K rating after all! Did I need to go to school for, Ddraig seemingly read my mind and added it to his next dialogue box below this sentence. (Sacred Gear mind reading. Can't get my privacy!)
[As I was saying, we need to find high school girls to plant the seed between the valley of their breasts so it can absorb the energies from the latent boob so as to perform a complex magical ritual capable of producing a fruit so delicious, it sends our sanity to the drain for a short amount of time.]
What. The. Actual. Fuck. You know what? Fuck the K rating, we're bumping this motherfucker to Mars.
"Fuck. No nope nada. I'm not going to a high school let alone a high school in motherfucking Japan!" In my fit of rage, I accidentally clicked the switch to the lighter in my hand. A spark that soon formed into a full blown explosion that knocked my entire body out through the window.
"Oh fu-" Ahh… so this is how I die. I know I lived a wonderful life… But these regrets will go unfulfilled right Ddraig?
I reached for the light, and I saw heaven.
END
END
END
END
Somewhere in Italy,
Church of the Assumption of Mary
"Such a tragic background you come from my dear child. Parents lost in a fire at such a young age, the church welcomes you with open arms!" This nun was speaking in Italian.
ITALIAN! The fucking pizza language. How the hell did we end up in a country that speaks Italian, we were in bloody China four paragraphs before!
Looking through the script, I noticed that Ddraig added a few unnecessary dialogues lines…
"What the fuck is this? Ddraig. What the hell is this?" I pointed to the script showing the
"Oh fu-" Ahh… so this is how I die. I know I lived a wonderful life… But these regrets will go unfulfilled right Ddraig?
I reached for the light, and I saw heaven.
END
END
END
END
[I wanted to add some suspense. Got to build up that tension for the viewers after all.]
"Once I get those apples I'm going to find a way to drag you out of that gauntlet and rip your eyes out of your sockets…" I then noticed the nun overhearing my conversation with Ddraig.
"…I mean, err. Amen, love the father or something." The nun then walked away as if she never heard my threats of death directed at my right hand.
All right. Going to set my priorities. First thing I have to do is find out why the run down building in the first paragraph was full of balloons filled with methane and hydrogen gas.
Second, find out how I got to Italy all the way from China and why this crazy nun thinks my parents died in a fire.
Last, get to Japan and get the apples then after that, torture Ddraig slowly and painfully for messing with the script.
As I was doing my internal evil monologue, I never noticed that a blonde haired girl was staring at me from behind the benches as I was being dragged away by the nun to be shown the facilities in the church.
And if you're wondering why I can speak Italian, this story is in English text only so it's like having subtitles. And also, I can just add "in Italian" to every one of my sentences and they would be able to hear me just fin-
"Come ragazzo, I will show you where the kitchen is." This fucking nun, interrupting my exposition. Can't she see that this chapter is about to end? I need my evil monologue time woma-
Chapter 1 End.
Ragazzo is Italian for boy. I used google translate so if anyone has a better alternative please do tell.
This story was written for pure crack and will be updated infrequently.
And before I forget, Highschool DxD owned by Ichiei Ishibumi and [Insert legal jargon here].
Uploaded on: 16/11/2015
Last edited on: 19/11/2015