Moment of Doubt
Summary: After struggling in relative silence Reid expresses his doubt about the BAU
Quote: "Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for." - "You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die." - "Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery." ~ Casablanca
To say Reid's behavior after the Henkel case was erratic would be putting it mildly. He was jumpy, defensive whenever he felt his abilities were questioned (which was far too frequently), and there were times when the young agent slept on the plane and would shift, roll, mutter, and occasionally even whimper, clearly in the midst of a flashback-style nightmare. Hotch noticed and, he imagined, so did the rest of the team, but for the sake of peace, no one had said anything as of yet.
Though Hotch knew he'd have to speak to his subordinate soon after Reid's latest outburst, one that nearly cost the team the cooperation of local authorities. He'd pulled Reid aside and reprimanded him for the outburst almost immediately, but that only seemed to fuel the younger man's anger. It'd been so much easier before Reid had been kidnapped and tortured by Henkel, before the darkness of their job crept in and tainted what had once been a pure heart and pure soul. These days Reid was a different person; one Hotch sometimes had trouble understanding and communicating with.
"Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this?" Reid questioned Hotch as he sat across from him, "I mean what you're fighting for." No, not questioned, challenged.
SSA Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner, his boss, leader of the BAU, the man in charge, looked up in silence, completely without an answer. He stalled for time, looking around at the rest of the members of his team as they slept or started their paperwork, then turned back to his youngest colleague and leaned in some even though the privacy was unnecessary. "You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die."
"Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery," Reid muttered.
"It or you?" Hotch questioned, letting his normally blank face show concern. He needed Reid to know he worried about him, that he cared. Reid sighed and slumped in his chair some, but said nothing. "Reid, what happened to you…anyone would be affected by. There's no shame in feeling whatever you feel but you can't let the negative pull you down and make you someone you're not. Henkel didn't defeat you when you were face-to-face with him in the graveyard; don't let his ghost and the memory of what he did defeat you now."
"How?" Reid asked softly, his insecurity showing some. "How do I not...let the evil win?"
Hotch gave a small, supportive, smile, "With the help of your friends, with the help of those you work with…With my help, if you'll accept it, Reid."
Reid smiled softly, "Okay." The reply was so pure and honest...It was Reid.