Stephanie Meyer owns these characters; I'm just using them. Muahahhaa.
AN: So yeah, I wrote this during my Calculus class tonight. Its been weighing on my mind now for about two years, so I decided to actually write it. We were learning about Ellipses anyway, it was boring. This is my first Songfic, please don't rip me a new one. The time frame for this one is between Twilight and when he leaves Bella with Jacob in New Moon. Please, if you like it, please review. I started a longer fic and posted last night, I had like 17 people alert it but only two reviewed. Please do.
Keep in mind that I am kinda pulling a Midnight Sun, kind of assuming what Edward did in his time pre Bella and the time he left for Alaska.
And the fic is written to the song "Slip out the Back" by Fort Minor (who is lead by Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park) oh and this is written from Edwards POV. Look the song up on YOUTUBE, you'll like it, I guaran-damn-tee.
Slip Out the Back
While I sit here, writing in my journal, I explain to you why I did what I did to Bella. Why it was necessary for her survival. I don't take what I did lightly. I love Bella; so much so that I was willing to give up our relationship for some semblance of a normal life for her. Everything I have ever done has been for Bella. She is my Bella. She is my love. She is my life.
After my days as a newborn, I say days because it sure felt like them to me when in reality it was years, I was fidgety. I spent most of the days wandering through the streets of the town we then lived in. I was always thinking. It never stopped; the words in my head. The sounds of the hustle and bustle of the city. The sounds from two cities over; I couldn't control it how I did now. I can now tune it in and out like a radio frequency. I heard the conversations held behind closed doors as couples fought, laughed and made love. And what tortured me the most, the sounds of thousands upon thousands of heartbeats. It reminded me of what I would never hear behind my chest ever again.
"You know me; I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so I could sleep at night"
When I went through my rebellious period, I walked at a human pace through the city I was in at the time.
Honestly it was so long ago, and at a time that I'm not entirely comfortable with revealing.
I was embracing my powers, utilizing them on the humans. Women prey were the easiest. They found me beautiful. I could bend them to my will. I knew I was taking innocent lives but I couldn't think to care.
If God was merciless on me in my time of need, why should I find mercy on these humans? I was able to pick and choose my victims, as did He. I didn't get a say so why should anyone else? Carlisle never understood. No one did. It was a pointless existence, living only for the kill, the blood. I was a God, here on this plane.
"Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it"
I made amends with Carlisle and again joined his family. I needed them as they needed me. We completed each other.
We moved to Forks to start a new beginning together. Carlisle had already inhabited this region of the world. I met my Singer in High School. Oh the irony.
I've been wandering the Earth for as long as I recall, and this where I find her?
The first day with her I had to leave. The school wouldn't change my schedule.
Didn't they know? Couldn't they smell the mouth-watering aroma in a purple aura around her body? I left immediately, being weak in a moment of want.
Carlisle understood, like he always did. He wished for me to stay but it was too close; too easy to attain that sweet ambrosia flowing underneath her fragile skin.
I went to a coven in Alaska. I needed to reflect. I was wondering if I could really do it. Be in a relationship with this mortal without harming her. Alice told me that she saw that I could. But I couldn't fool myself enough to believe it. This was an opportunity I couldn't take for granted. I was sitting on a branch high in a tree in the forest again thinking. Could I? Couldn't I? What if I couldn't? Could I live out the rest of my existence knowing that I killed the only thing I think I could love? The youngest male of the coven I was staying with sought me out.
"Forget perfect, I'm trying not to be worthless
Since I last saw you I been looking for a purpose
Well…"
He told me if it were I, he would not have the strength to contain himself. He was changed around the same time as I. He told me his honest opinions. "Don't go back." "Wait until she graduates." And my favorite: "What if you slip?" He said to always expect the worst-case scenario because most of the time, that's what you'll get. Of course I didn't listen.
"I met this kid who thought like I did
He had a weird way of looking at it
This is what he said:
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cause you don't want be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared"
I tested myself the night I got back. I climbed up the tree and into her room, taking solace in a lone rocking chair in the corner. I knew instantly I couldn't do this. There was no way I could sit right next to her for an hour every Monday through Friday and retain my sense.
The death grip I held on the chair was just that. I'm surprised I didn't shatter the damn thing with the force I was reigning down on it. My mouth salivated venom even when I was holding my breath. Uncomfortable, yes; necessary of course.
The quiet lull of her heartbeat made me see red and her scent…. I snarled at the memory. I jumped out the window, calling Carlisle and letting him know, yet again, I was leaving for a long weekend; back to my unnamed friend in Alaska.
"I don't remember where I met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was just too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me"
"If you decide to do this, you need to keep a level head." He knew no matter what he said, I would do my own bidding. He wasn't judgmental, that's why I kept returning to him. It was refreshing to know that whatever advice he gave that he was giving me his opinion on both options.
To stay, or to go.
I told him I was going to try. He then nodded and continued: "You'll need to remember to be mindful of your thirst. You must never let your guard down because you know as well as I do of human fragility. What we think is gentle might crush a bone, pierce the skin, etc."
Rosalie and Jasper didn't agree with my wanted to court Bella. Their reasons are completely different of course.
Jasper wasn't sure he could stomach her smell. In our world, he would go mad with hunger and desire for the kill. He was new to our way of life.
Rose was afraid that it would draw unwanted attention from the Volturi. Our secret would be exposed to a human. It would be inevitable.
"Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because…"
So we gave it a go. Needless to say it didn't go very well. The second she learned of our secret from a young Quileute, all hell broke loose.
At the time I laid in her hospital bed while she slept after the James fiasco, wondering how it got to this. This was the first time I ever doubted my decision after concluding that I would date Bella.
It was me. I was no good for her. She needed a human lover and companion. Someone whose world wouldn't send her to the damn hispital every time danger occurred. She needed someone to grow old with and to have babies with. There should be no danger. She shouldn't be exposed to this.
Months later, she stood before me, tears running down her face as I stood there and blatantly lied to her face. "I don't love you." She needed something I could never give her.
Safety.
"I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair,
It doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air,
Like you I want someone to say its okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid"
Danger was fickle.
It was always there, on the outskirts of my life.
Bella was outright bawling, trying to be silent, but I stood firm. I would be her end if I chose to stay. I was always afraid of her mortality, because if I'm being true to myself, that's what I loved most about her.
"We're just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves
You understand when I'm saying that you always did
But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid who said..."
I uprooted my family. I knew Bella would come looking for us wanting answers I wasn't willing to give her. So we left at my request. Alice was beside herself.
When we settled, I couldn't sit there anymore watching Alice cuddle onto Jaspers lap, or the sly looks Rose would send Emmett's way. I had that. I wanted it again.
I left for a while, citing to Carlisle that it was best for my sanity. I sat, in the woods yet again, thinking. It was so much easier to give in and go back. Would she even accept my apologies?
I shattered her stained glass heart into a million pieces, why would she take me back? She had no reason. It's easier to be with her because with her I never did this much thinking.
The only things I concerned myself with where Bella was concerned was her safety, her body (because Lord knows that was difficult day in and day out) and living out our existence together.
My cell phone rang for the umpteenth time today and I decided to finally answer. It was Alice. She had a vision. Bella was cliff diving. And then nothing. No next minute, no tomorrow, no nothing. She was hysterical. I went back to the cliffs of La Push where Alice saw the love of my life jump to her doom.
I followed her scent to the reservation where she was safe and sound. With her friend Jacob, the Quileute who basically told her in no uncertain terms what my family was. He was a good choice for her. She looked somewhat happy after everything I said and did.
Maybe she is better off without me.
"Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't want to be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared"
I was a monster and she deserved better. I knew. I still couldn't sheath the rage and jealousy I felt when he flung an arm around her.
I made a quick call to Alice, letting her know what was going on and told her to leave me be.
"But Edward…" I didn't give her another thought and ended the call.
I saw Bella helping him position a motorcycle on the road. And I panicked.
"I'm no hero, you remember how I was, you know
All I ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
I'm spinning around in circles again"
I hoped she knew what I was doing to myself to ensure her safety and happiness. I didn't want her to feel guilt because of it but I wanted her to know that I still adored her. I looked on.
"This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how I hoped it would be"
It was almost as if I was trying to talk myself into my own decision. I would never forgive myself if something were to happen. Jacob could keep her safe.
She smiled brightly at him. It was the first time I had seen her do so since I arrived.
"But I had to protect you from me
That's why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time I was around I'd just bring you down
And I could tell that it was time to be scared"
I was breaking at least 250 years of promise that Carlisle had set up with the wolves all those years ago, so I figured it was time to go. I saw Bella turn and stare out into the dusk, thinking she felt a presence, I'm sure. She would find nothing but the night.
"Thats why I slipped out the back before you knew I was there
And I know the way I left wasn't fair
I didn't want to be around just to bring you down
I'm not a hero but don't think I didn't care."
Alright folks, that's it!!! Please remember, I wrote this in about 2 and a half hours, so if there are mistakes, point them out in a PM and Ill fix it.