Deep, Dark Secret
By
Chibijem
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters herein and am making no financial gain from this work of fiction.
A/N: Be warned this story is extremely dark in nature. Adults only!
Fujiwara no Takamichi looked across the desk at his lover, Tachibana no Tomomasa. The general and chokushi had been acting strangely the past week, ever since Takamichi had voiced his desire to make love to Tomomasa. The vice minister wanted to express the love he felt for his companion and hachiyo partner for once. Since that night, Tomomasa had shied away from physical contact from not only himself but everyone in his life and Takamichi was at a loss to explain Tomomasa's behavior. It went beyond avoidance, Tomomasa had shut down emotionally; the life and light in his eyes were not as brilliant.
"Tomomasa, it is getting late." Takamichi started, not knowing how to breach the subject of their lovemaking. That was another change: they had not had sex since that night. In reply, Tomomasa lifted his long, muscular arms over his head and stretched. Takamichi could only stare as the body he knew intimately, moved with a grace few had. "Would you like a bath before you retire?"
"That does sound wonderful," Tomomasa's smooth voice filled the room. "Want to join me?" Jeweled eyes peered over the desk and met golden ones filled with hope.
"If you are comfortable with it," Takamichi did not want to pressure his, up till now, wary partner.
"We have bathed together before." Was all Tomomasa said before getting to his feet and sauntering to his private rooms.
Several minutes later, the Byakko duo was in the bath house, Tomomasa sitting on a stool with Takamichi standing behind him, running a soapy cloth over his broad back. The elder of the two was trying to control his breathing and runaway heart. It's only Takamichi; you know he will not hurt you, Tomomasa thought as his mind went back to the late night talk they had had a week prior.
"Tomomasa?" The vice minister could feel his friend's muscles tighten and hear the measured breathing coming from the man seated before him. "All done. Why don't you soak for a bit." Takamichi kept his voice light as he made the suggestion. He returned the sad smile Tomomasa sent him over his shoulder. Why do you not talk to me? You have never shied away from speaking your mind with me, no matter the subject, the vice minister thought as he quickly soaped and rinsed.
Takamichi climbed into the steaming tub and sat across from Tomomasa, their feet touching. He was satisfied when Tomomasa did not pull away, but instead gently ran his toes along his calf muscle. Takamichi smiled through the steam at his dearest friend. "Do you have a full schedule tomorrow?" The vice minister wanted to keep things light for the time being.
"Mmmmm, meetings all morning, then an audience with Okami in the afternoon. In between all that, I have to find the time to make an inspection of the new recruits' training." Tomomasa lifted his head from the edge of the tub where he rested it, his teal eyes meeting Takamichi's. "We have dinner at Fuji-hime's, do we not?"
"Hai," Takamichi ran his own slender foot over Tomomasa's leg, smiling to himself when he felt the slight shudder wash over the elder hachiyo.
"I will have to remind myself to eat a light lunch then." Tomomasa mused as he closed his eyes and rested his head back once more. When he felt his young companion's foot ride a bit higher, he smirked. "Are you trying to start something?" he asked lazily.
"Just testing the waters so to speak." This made Tomomasa laugh which had been the court official's intention. There had been little mirth from the army officer lately. "Are you all right with it?"
"Tread carefully," was the reply in jest.
Takamichi laughed softly and moved across to Tomomasa's side; he pressed a soft kiss to the warm, wet skin of Tomomasa's strong, broad shoulder. He knew his affections were well received when the teal haired head tilted to one side to give him more access. He licked along the strong vein where the blood was pumping strongly as Tomomasa's arousal grew. Takamichi moved closer to the Dragon Jewel between slim collarbones. Tomomasa's strong body shook in response. The vice minister lifted his head and met desire filled eyes with his own. He pressed a firm kiss to the waiting lips.
Soon enough, Tomomasa returned the affection as he prodded Takamichi's lips with his tongue. "Let me in, Takamichi," the voice was harsh with want.
Takamichi pulled back and rested his hands on Tomomasa's shoulders. "Iie, this time, we do things my way." He replied, quickly leaning down and meeting surprised lips. He could feel the returning tenseness in his lover's body and vowed not to allow it. He pulled back slightly and laid butterfly kisses over the striking face. "Relax," he soothed.
Tomomasa's mind was reeling while he tried to push dark thoughts and equally dark memories back. He thought he was accomplishing the feat when he felt Takamichi's slim but strong fingers moving to his backside. He slammed his eyes shut and lurched from the vice minister's embrace and the tub, almost falling in his haste to get away. He turned his back to the now gaping young man as he tied a towel around his trim waist. "It's getting cold." Was all he could think to say.
Takamichi rose from the water and repeated Tomomasa's actions. When he looked up, he found the general in the same spot, not having moved. He reached out to lay his hand on one shoulder but thought better of it and let his hand fall to his side. "Tomomasa?"
"It is getting late," the reply sounded strange to both men's ears.
"What is it?" Takamichi ignored the statement. "You can tell me. This is not like you."
Thick, teal hair swayed as Tomomasa shook his head. "Not now."
"Then when?" Takamichi was now following Tomomasa who was striding out of the bath house into the chilly night.
"Not now!" The oldest hachiyo replied harshly as they entered his private rooms.
The green haired teen stood watching with concerned eyes as his partner and friend pulled out a yukata and yanked it on. "Tell me what troubles you, onegaishimasu. You cannot keep going like this; you have been different these past days and I do not know how to help you." The vice minister implored.
Tomomasa sighed and hung his head, "You cannot help what has already passed." He said sadly. He raised his hands and pressed his fingers hard to his eyes.
Takamichi moved behind his grieving lover, "May I at least hold you?" When Tomomasa finally nodded, the younger placed his arms around older and grieved with him.
The next evening, Takamichi had convinced Tomomasa to come home with him. Their dinner at Fuji-hime's had run late and he did not want Tomomasa to be alone. He had witnessed how free the general had been with the sake and although he was not drunk, he was out of sorts. Usually the life of any gathering, this night, Tomomasa had remained reserved and quiet. He followed quietly behind his hachiyo partner as Tomomasa lurched up the stairs to his home, into his private rooms and finally opened a cabinet to pull out yet another bottle of sake. "Don't you think you have had enough?" Takamichi finally asked, coming to stand behind his troubled friend.
"I am hoping it will give me courage." Tomomasa smirked into the cup.
"When have you ever needed to find courage in a bottle?" Takamichi moved to position himself in front of Tomomasa. "This has gone on long enough. Tell me what has caused this change in you. I want to help you."
Tomomasa raised his head and met concerned, sun kissed eyes. "Make love to me?"
"Tomomasa?"
"You heard me, Takamichi. I want you to make love to me, make me forget."
"Forget?" Takamichi was now intrigued and a bit angered. "I do not want our lovemaking to be a way for you to forget." He had done some investigating in the archives and had even made a visit to the elderly healer, the only physician Tomomasa trusted, during the day in an effort to understand what was happening to his companion. What he had learned was troubling and frightening and he was determined to aid Tomomasa in any way he could. "Love is a celebration, Tomomasa," he said, cupping the general's face in his warm hands.
"Not always." Was the flat reply. He finally gazed into Takamichi's eyes. "Sometimes it is an act of domination and power." He moved away and crossed the room to their futon. He began undressing and finally slid into bed. "Will you at least stay?" he asked, head in his hand.
In the middle of the night, Takamichi was woken by Tomomasa's wandering lips. Sleep fading quickly as arousal took over, Takamichi returned the caresses and soon took the lead, rolling them over so his body rested on top of Tomomasa. He brushed his lips over the broad expanse of chest, whispering kisses over the tight nipples, feeling the purr begin in Tomomasa. Takamichi stroked down to Tomomasa's flat stomach and smiled when he heard the gratified groan when he licked Tomomasa's navel. He soothed the quivering muscles as he urged Tomomasa to turn over so he could continue the foreplay. Takamichi reveled in the power he felt, knowing he was giving pleasure to his partner; it all came to an end when he grazed Tomomasa's buttocks with his hard arousal. In an instant, Tomomasa had pushed him away and was scrambling for a corner of the room, fright in the normally happy teal eyes. Takamichi sat in the futon, the covers around his waist as he studied his now cowering lover. "Tomomasa?" He queried softly. He moved slowly, draping a yukata over himself as he got to his feet. He took the coverlet and approached the figure huddled against the wall. "Tomomasa, it is alright. You are safe here." When he received no response, he knelt and carefully draped the cover over the chilled skin of his friend. When Tomomasa flinched, Takamichi's heart broke: what he suspected, he was now almost certain was true. "You are safe, no one will hurt you."
"Safe?" The voice sounded far away and so very young.
"Hai, it is I, Takamichi. You know I would never hurt you." The green haired Byakko possessor, gently laid his hand on one shoulder, feeling the slight jerk. "You are safe. It is long over, in the past." He repeated, hoping the meaning would pierce the veil of fear surrounding Tomomasa.
It was several minutes before Tomomasa lifted his head and turned to stare up at his companion. "Takamichi?"
The vice minister smiled lovingly and raised a hand to run it over the wavy mass of the general's hair. "That is right. It is I."
Tomomasa shuddered and sighed, letting his body relax; he closed his eyes, "Gomen nasai, Takamichi."
"Iie," he reassured softly. "Will you come back to bed? It is far too cold for us to be here practically naked when there is a nice, warm futon just across the room." He encouraged. He was thankful when Tomomasa got up and moved to the bedding. Takamichi straightened the covers while Tomomasa stood quietly beside him. When he lifted the blankets in invitation, Tomomasa eyed him warily. "It is warm." Golden eyes studied the older man as he maneuvered to lay in the bed. "All right?" Takamichi asked as he pulled the covers over them. He braced his head on one hand and waited. He did not have to wait long.
"When…..when I was first inducted into the army, I was younger than most of the recruits. Father wanted me to have some structure in my life after hahaue passed on. I was smaller than the others….." Tomomasa took a deep breath.
"Take your time."
"You must promise me what I am about to tell you will never pass your lips."
"You never had to ask."
"Sumimasen," Tomomasa closed his eyes and a tear fell from the corner of one eye. He felt Takamichi catch it and opening his eyes, saw the vice minister lift it to his lips. "One night…late…I was walking through the city on my way home when I was pulled into an alley…." The general stopped to gather himself; he was grateful when Takamichi rested an understanding hand on his shoulder, lending his quiet support and strength. "I tried to fight back, to escape….but I was small and not as strong. They were drunk and there were too many….."
The vice minister silently wrapped his dearest friend in his warm embrace, letting Tomomasa know he was loved and it had not been and was not his fault. "Who else knows you were raped?" Takamichi asked after a time.
"I never told a soul." Tomomasa clung to his partner. "I think Chichiue suspected; he saw me when I finally managed to get home. I think he thought I had been in an altercation but when I shied away from physical contact…."
"Why didn't you report it?"
"It's not something you report let alone talk about." Tomomasa scoffed, his voice raspy with tears.
"Are they still living?" Takamichi's question was full of anger.
"No, they all perished in one battle or another over the years. Judgment I suppose."
"This is why you have been so different?" He felt the tiny nod of Tomomasa's head against his chest where he had laid it. "You have never had a problem with us having sex."
Tomomasa was silent but finally put his thoughts into words, "When have I ever let you take control? I always lead, even when I bedded women. I have never been able to let anyone have control….it's too painful. Too many memories….."
Takamichi felt the tears against his chest, "I still want to make love to you-it doesn't have to be tonight or tomorrow or even in the days to come. But I want to show you how much I love you, I want to give you the same pleasure you give me."
"Takamichi….."
"I will help you work through this, I promise you. You are not alone anymore in this struggle."
"Arigatou," Tomomasa lifted his head and pressed a kiss of thanks and love to Takamichi's waiting lips.
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Many Weeks Later
Tomomasa laid against the futon, attempting to catch his breath, Takamichi resting against his sweat slicked chest. The general smiled, "Arigatou, Takamichi."
Gold eyes lifted to meet relieved teal ones, "For what? I should be thanking you." He returned.
"You took one of the most sinister times in my life and replaced it with one full of bliss. I have never felt so much pleasure."
Takamichi raised his head and met Tomomasa's lips with his own. "For me as well, I finally know the joy of loving you fully. And I did learn from the best." He returned Tomomasa's smile; it was wonderful to see the contentment in his lover's handsome face again. It had taken many talks and confessions along with several heavy sessions of foreplay for Tomomasa to feel fully comfortable with the idea of Takamichi taking control of their lovemaking and of him. But it had all been worth it.
"No more deep dark secrets." Tomomasa said as the two lovers slid into a peaceful sleep.
FIN
A/N Part II: Thanks go to my Imoto-san for encouraging me to write this story when the idea came to me. It is a digression from my normally carefree Chi no Byakko. Thank you for reading.