1995 - The Boarding School - Alex POV
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, Alex.
I want to be successful.
I want to fulfil my parents' wishes.
Unfortunately, those wish, does not include us, together.
Alex, the future, does not belong to us.
I hope you understand.
Wish you the very best.
I'm sorry.
Piper
I went through the short lines, over and over again. I turned the page over in case, I missed out any paragraphs. I tore the envelope, in case, another A4 paper stuck inside. My mind was playing a trick on me. Like this is a code or some puzzles from Piper for me to solve. I hurried back to the warden's room, forced my way through the door, getting few stares from the juniors. I paid no mind to them. All I want to know if there was other letter for me. Maybe accidentally, left out. I even asked the warden to check the shelves. I was met by cold stare and a head shake. No. Nothing.
10 minutes ago, I was excited when the warden in charge, announced the list of parcel/letter receivers over the PA system in the dining hall. Nicky winked from across the room and I wore a very huge smile on my face. Every other week, since she left Lithcfield All Girls boarding school to pursue college, I would received either parcels or letters from Piper. I practically skipped to the warden's room. How can I not? Damn I missed her! This is the 4th month we're apart since she graduated. And Piper has not sent me anything for a month now. She told me college life was tougher and she was busy fitting in. I didn't complaint though. I know how passionate Piper was about education and the future.
Future? The word brought me back to reality. Didn't she wrote that "The future does not belong to us" Did she? I stuffed the letter in my pocket and hurried to the public phone. I was hyperventilated by then. My heart was beating as if as I just completed 100m sprint. Feeding some coins through the slot, I took a long breath before I dialled her dorm no. The ring tone sounds seems to take ages.
"Hello?"
"Can I speak to Piper please?" Clearing my throat.
"Nay.. She's out with Larry-the-boyfriend"
...
"Hello?"
"Larry the boyfriend?"
"Yeah, who's this?"
"Larry the boyfriend? Like.. Boyfriend? Like in a relationship" I queried with a shaky voice.
"What else do you call that then?" the voice chuckled on the other line.
...
"Look, I've got no time now, any message?"
...
"Hellooooooooooo?"
...
My hands were shaking. My vision was blur. Tears rolled down my cheeks. The voice on the other line repeated the same question. I quietly sobbed until the line went dead. Ring tone replaced with nothing but the sound of my broken heart. She is the love of my life. My very first love. How could she? I felt my head spinned. I didn't remember anything else, except crying to sleep in the library. Nicky and Lorna, dragged me out of that place having looked for me high and low around the school. They found the letter. Lorna was stunned and Nicky was livid. I turned to robotic-mode after that day. I sat in the dining hall with the usual gang, playing with food. They talked and joked around. Not that they didn't get the news. It's like an unspoken rule for them not to query about it. I attended classes as usual, mostly staring blankly at the teachers or the white board. I attended the weekly assembly with hundreds other students. Somehow, I felt lost and alone even when I was in the crowd.
I went home for the semester break to an empty apartment. When I was younger, coming back to an empty apartment would mean having to do anything and everything alone. I hated it, but for this moment in time, I am grateful. I let out a deep breath I didn't know I was holding. Few days before, I called Diane to inform her about the semester break.
"Mom, I'm coming back" I said with a half hearted voice.
"Honey, that's great!" Diane exclaimed.
... "Yeah"
"Hey, what's the matter? Are you well? Did anyone bully you?" Diane sound concerned.
"No mom. I'm good. I.. I.."
"Piper?" Diane asked.
"Yeah... I.. I missed her mom" I lied. Well, technically, I did missed her.
"Oh baby. Hang in there. Didn't she promised to visit us during the semester break"
"Ye..Yeah" I stuttered.
"Good. We're good. Can't wait to see you love birds." Diane sounded ecstatic.
I forced a quiet laugh and blinked away the tears. "I'm off mom. Prep time. Love you mom."
"Love you"
I sat on the sofa and looked up to the ceiling, recalling the mother-daughter phone conversation. The truth was, I contemplated with the idea at first. I didn't know which one was worst - staying in school for the semester break and sulk over the break up or, come home and sulk over the break up. Yes, different venue yet the outcome could be the same. The later was the definite choice. About time for me to revealed the news to Diane. I don't know how else I'm gonna bear with the pain. I flicked on the radio to counter the deafening silent only to hear the lyrics -
"Have you ever, ever loved to find yourself
To see the love she gave, the love you made, the joy and praised,
She saved for someone else"
Irony! Tears rolled down my cheek while I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. If only Piper knew how much I love her. If. Only. Tears and more tears.
The sound of someone walking in the apartment had awoken me from my unplanned slumber.
"Hey kid!" Diane looses the groceries bags and embraced me.
"Mom!"
We held each other longer. Diane was first to break the moment, when she heard me sobbed. She looked me in the eyes, while I helplessly divert my teary eyes to the floor. The usually calm and composed Alex Vause is nowhere to be seen.
"Honey.. Baby.. What's wrong?" Diane asked softly, palms on my cheek.
"Piper.. she.. we.." I sobbed. "We.. broke up" I cried. I couldn't hold it anymore.
Diane hugged me tight depositing my head to her neck like she did many years ago, when I was younger and bullied. She didn't say anything. She slowly threads my raven hair while repeatedly kissed my head. After a while, she pulled away and sat me on the sofa. She quickly went to the kitchen, rummaging through the cabinet. I was still crying when she came back with 2 glasses and a bottle of scotch. I woke up the next morning to Diane cooking breakfast. My memory jogged to what happened the night before. We talked. I cried. I cried. We drank. I cried and cried again. It was awful! Diane offered to stay with me but I declined.
The semester break comes to the end. Diane again, offered to call the teacher to call in sick. I politely declined. Diane had supported me through the period, lending her ear, listening to me venting my frustration yet not once judging Piper. She spent more time with me. Sometimes we lazed around doing nothing. I don't want to burden Diane. She herself went through a dark phase all alone while carrying me for 9 months. I am blessed to have her by my side during this torrid time. I vowed to make Diane happy. I vowed to forget Piper. Maybe. I'll try.
I let things go by, silently praying for any fast forward button for me to press to skip the pain. Now that I'm alone, the days seem to be slower. I couldn't go anywhere without getting a wash of memory. Memories I shared with Piper. It was hard. So hard for me to build the walls, blocking anybody from the real me, the frail and fragility. I heard from Poussey, Nicky exchanged a heated phone call with Piper and spit one heck of a bullet. I received another letter from Piper after but I didn't venture further. I threw it. A month after the semester break, Nicky, having had enough with my withdrawal and anti-social attitude, brought in a beautiful girl to the dorm. I knew her. She flirted with me numerous times since Piper left. In fact, loads of girls flirted with me since she left.
Nicky begged me to have fun. "Just take this girl." "No strings attached." I could only fathom those fragment. She whispered something to the girl and left us. The girl undress and hours later, she left. Things got picked up and each night, a girl would drop by and entertained me as what Nicky described. She carefully chose the girls. No blondes for feared it could trigger my sadness. Some days, I fucked more than a girl. I didn't have any problem since most of them were happy and proud having slept with the "hot" one. In between, I received couple of letters from Piper which all end up in the garbage bin. I lost all sense of feelings. The love feelings to be exact. Nicky saw that in my eyes.
Months after, a month before the final exam to be exact, the news about me sleeping around reached Piper. Her best friend, Holly or Polly, or whatever her name was, came to visit. She passed me an envelope and embraced me, wishing me good luck for my final exam before she left. I froze. It was rather an awkward encountered, since both of us were not in good term. Never was to be exact. I left the envelope on the study table and lay down on the bed. I wasn't sleepy, but I wasn't in the mood for anything. The visitation has put my mind back to Piper. I dozed off only to be woken up to a girl straddling me. I was so pissed I threw her out off the dorm. Nicky having witnessed the commotion, barge in my dorm asking for explanation. It didn't take long before she noticed the envelope and read the content out loud.
I screamed for her to stop and muffled my ears with the pillow. But the words just fell off Nicky's mouth.
Al,
I hope the letter reach you this time.
Time flies.
You're almost done with school.
All the best for the final exam.
...
I knew you're mad. I'm sorry.
Things will never be the same again, will they?
I missed you Al. Really.
Love,
Piper
I cried out loud. I didn't know why. Nicky hold me for like an hour or so. I thought the feeling was gone, but why does it hurt so bad? The mentioned of her name, had my heart bleed. I could imagine the way she pronounced my name. Al. Alex. I hate it. God! I swear I hate it. I hate it when I can still recall how it sounded from her mouth. I hate it when I love how it sounded from her mouth. "Why?" I asked Nicky. She didn't say anything, diverting her gaze to the floor.