A/N: I don't know where to begin. There are a lot of things I could say about this fic/story/creation but instead I'm just going to ask you to be patient. The Rizzles will come, I guarantee it. For now, I hope you'll join me on this little adventure. Very well, Allons-y.

If you're going to listen to anything whilst reading this, search the chapter title on your music player (YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, etc).

Oh, and a Happy Birthday to our very own Maura Isles!

Disclaimer: The respective producers and owners of Rizzoli and Isles, Criminal Minds, and the songs own all of the characters and some of the quotes. I'm just borrowing them for a while.

Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin

"I mean, I don't know if I'd die for you, but I, I'd come damn close."

The yoga room was the only place she could think straight. Curled up into Child's Pose, Maura let her mask drop. Jane's hospital admission had gotten through barriers she had built for this exact reason. For years, Maura had blocked her feelings for Jane, hiding every thought, masking every secret smile.

If she hadn't been lying to herself, she would've gone vasovagal years ago.

But that was her one exception. Lying to herself was the only way she could protect herself. It was like the moment that she told Jane that Ian was the love of her life. At one point, she did love Ian, but the love of her life was someone a lot closer.

Maura took a deep breath in and extended her arms out in front of her. Exhaling, she pulls herself up into a downward dog. Grimacing at the pain in her lower back, Maura closed her eyes. The young girl's chant echoed in her brain. They never wanted anything to happen to that teacher, but the wanted justice for their friend. His death was an unfortunate accident, or a fortunate one, if you think about it. He was a predator, who preyed on young, smart women.

"Stop justifying Maura," the doctor whispered to her empty house. At three am, Maura's house felt even bigger and emptier than it did usually. Angela was probably fast asleep in the guesthouse. Bass had settled in for the night. All that was left was one lonely doctor doing yoga in the middle of the night.

Jane was the only one who could quiet the chatter of her monkey mind. With Jane, Maura could blurt out factoids without the fear of being left alone. But Jane was probably either sleeping or talking with her long distance lover. It wasn't a compliment when she commented on the current temperature of their relationship. The fact that it heated up as soon as he boarded the plane to Afghanistan almost made Maura wish he were back in Boston.

That way Jane could see that domesticity was not a bad thing, at least not with the right person. With the only person she trusted with her PTSD. With the only person whom she really listened to.

Falling back into a child's pose, Maura choked back a sob. The fact that everyone saw the chemistry between the two of them made her unbearably sad. Only because she knew that Jane was a great detective. And great detectives don't miss things that everyone sees.

Back in the hospital, there was a moment where Maura almost allowed herself to hope. Jane telling her that she would come close to death for her gave her just an ounce of hope, just enough to get her home. Sighing, Maura abandoned her yoga regimen. Wandering down the hall into the kitchen, Maura made herself a strong cup of tea.

Taking her tea, Maura went to the couch and flipped the television on. She set about flipping through her recorded documentaries. While she was looking through the nature studies and live medical procedures on her on-demand, her mind registered the show in the background.

"Bad news slows us down for a while and then we move on, hope is paralyzing."

"You got that right," Maura sighed, clicking off her television. Setting an alarm on her phone, Maura lay back on her couch and considered her reality. Grabbing a pen and pad from the coffee table, she thought about the things she knew to be facts.

1. Jane is straight and in love with Casey.

2. Even if by some miracle she wasn't, Raphael would be more than happy to take his place.

3. I only seem to attract serial killers, assholes, and con men.

4. The only time I feel remotely safe is when I'm with Jane.

5. One day, Jane will leave me too.

6. I hate Casey and Martinez with a burning passion.

7. Jane is the only stable relationship I've ever had.

8. Jane deserves happiness.

9. She can't be happy with me, and I can't be happy without her.

10. I'm in love with Jane, and I'm going to die alone.

Throwing the pen onto the floor, Maura folded her impromptu list into a small square and tucked it safely into her pajama shirt pocket. Wiping the tears from her eyes, Maura grabbed a pillow from the other side of the couch. Curling herself into a ball she wrapped herself in the scent of lavender, and cried herself into a dreamless sleep.

"Me too."