Dear Darlin',
I'm cold. I'm cold without you. The bed is cold without your arms wrapped securely around me, I'm cold without you holding me tight when you return late form work or the feeling of you gently climbing into bed if I'd already drifted off to sleep. But the thing is, I'm not just physically cold. You made me completely warm; you gave me the warmth to see everything in a different way. You made me appreciate everything – everything I have and everything I've lost. Without you I'm cold; I can't see the good or the light in anything. I need your warmth; you have so much warmth, enough for us to share. Your warmth made me a better me. You made me a better me.
I know I keep saying that I'm sorry and that I love you. I know you keep saying they're just words. But I mean it, I mean every word. Even when I'm talking to you through your flat door, even when my words are barely audible through my tears – I mean every word. I mean every apology because I could never be anymore sorry for what I've done. And I love you. God, I love you more than anyone. You're perfect for me, you make me safe and content. Every word I say to you, every word I mean. I know the word sorry can't fix everything, I know telling you I love you can't fix everything. I can't even explain how much I love you, no words can explain the love I feel for you. I don't know if you're listening to my words, are they getting through? I regret everything, I know you say regrets are pointless but this regret feels anything but pointless. And if me words do eventually break through the wall you've put up, I hope you know I mean them all.
I'm alone, I'm alone with nothing but the thoughts in my head. I know what you'll say, "There's people who really care about you Carla." I know they care, I know that I have other people but I want you. Their hugs aren't your hugs, their words of comfort aren't delivered in your voice. You understand me in a way no one else ever has; you understand when I need time for myself, when I need to talk or when I just need to be held. You made me feel like I had the whole world, just when it was me and you, I felt like I had the world. And now I feel alone all the time, I feel alone even in a room of people. I feel alone because you're not there, I need you to make me feel again. I feel alone, I feel detached form everyone and everything.
I've been thinking about us. Remember the wine tasting? The way we laughed all night, together. We weren't even together then but you still made me happy, you still made me safe. We kissed that night. Well I kissed you. It was awkward and we both laughed it off as if it was nothing. But when we kissed it was never nothing.
The way you looked at me when you thought I wasn't looking. Your eyes were full of love and admiration; you'd look at me when I was just sitting having a conversation, you'd look at me when I was engrossed in a film. Your eyes held all your feelings, I can tell how you're feeling just by looking at you. When our eyes met it was everything. I needed no words, I just needed to look at you. Your eyes told me everything and provided me with warmth and comfort. When I felt uncomfortable your eyes gave me the comfort and the warmth I needed. When I'd had a tough day your eyes gave me the security of knowing I had you, I had you and you would understand and you would listen.
I've been hurt so many times, so many by others but probably more times by myself. I get hurt by my decisions and I don't learn. I broke us, my decision, my one stupid decision broke us. Some nights I feel it's hurting me more than it's hurting you. The nights when I lay awake in the bed we once shared. You side remains empty night upon night and nothing hurts like no you. Having no you to hold, having no you to embrace, having no you hurts. It hurts more than I could ever explain. I know what it feels like to be in your position, I know how much that hurts. I could never apologise enough for making you feel that way. No one ever deserves to feel that way. Especially not you, you deserve the world. This hurt physically hurts. I physically ache. Without you I ache and I hurt more than I ever knew I could.
Our relationship, it's so special. It's so special because no one understands what we went through. No one understands that apart from us. No one will ever understand why I love you as much as I do. Because you saved me when no one else could. You made me feel happy, properly happy. You made me see the good in things, you made me try things I'd never have tried before. You made me laugh, you made me smile and you helped me to be me again. No one else could do that. No one understands the nights we spent just talking before we got together. They way we'd joke but we'd talk about everything. Everything we were feeling, everything that was wrong. You'd stay till I'd fallen asleep on the sofa, you'd tell me I'd hurt my back if I slept there. I'd never listen but you'd always be right. The night we got together was so full of love and care. You were so gentle, you're always so gentle. No one will understand our relationship, not properly. Not like we do. People would say we didn't go together, people would say we were an unlikely pairing. They couldn't be more wrong, it was you. You were the one I was looking for.
It was short, it was short when it should have been forever. It could still be forever. During the short time you gave me everything. It's true what people say; it's the quality not the quantity. Because in our short time you made me feel content with everything around me. You made me realise so much about myself and so much about others. You welcomed me into your life with open arms and constantly made me feel like I was the only person on the planet. The surprise dinners, the film nights, the surprise visits at work and everything you did with me was out of love. You were always there, you were my constant. I can't not have my constant. I need a constant.
I can't cope, I can't cope without you. I can't feel, I can't be. I need you, I need you to make me feel safe and warm and loved and accepted. Only you can make me feel like that. I need you to make me feel like that. I'm trying to cope because I know I ruined everything. I know my decision ruined us, ruined our beautiful relationship. I don't know why I did it, I have no excuses. No excuse will ever, ever compensate for what happened. It's inexcusable. I know that, you know that.
The thing is, my arms will always be yours. They will always be yours to fall into after a long day, they will always be yours. I made a mistake, a massive, unnecessary mistake. You can't forgive the mistake I've made. No one can. Why should you?
I know I said I'd hurt you in the end and I know you said you wanted to take your chances. Well I hurt you. I hurt you so badly, I said I would. But not intentionally. I would never intentionally hurt you. You deserve nothing but happiness. But maybe this doesn't have to be the end; oh, I know that the trust is broken and that the trust can never be the same but maybe we could try. Maybe if we really try.
I love you.
Forever,
Carla
xx