I would have liked a little scene between Deacon and Rayna after what we saw at the end of last week's episode. Maybe a scene where Rayna breaks down and Deacon has to be strong for her. This is just my idea of how that could have gone.
Maddie walked in the hospital room as Deacon ripped off the hospital arm band in frustration. He didn't want her to see that, though, and he tried to arrange his face in what he thought was a more neutral expression. "Hey," he said. "Your mom's getting the car, so just make sure you got everything, okay?"
She nodded glumly. "Okay." She sat down next to him and sighed, her face sad.
"You okay?" he asked, knowing she was not. None of them were.
She turned to look at him. "This really isn't fair. I mean, you quit drinking so long ago. Why is this happening now?" He could see the tears pricking her eyes.
He looked at her sadly. "I don't know, sweetie. I'm just real sorry that you gotta go through it." This wasn't supposed to be happening to them. They hadn't had enough time.
Her face dissolved in tears. "Please tell me that you're not gonna die," she begged.
His heart turned over. He wanted to reassure her, but right at that moment, he really felt powerless over the sickness that was overtaking all their lives. Tears filled his eyes. "Baby, I can't," he choked out and then grabbed her up in his arms. He moved his hand to try to wipe away his own tears. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
He felt her shaking with her sobs and he hated disappointing her so bad. "I hate saying that to you, sweet girl," he said, as he fought to get control over himself. He sat back and looked at her tear stained face. "I'm still gonna fight. You know that. I'll fight as long as I can."
She reached up and rubbed her eyes. Then she nodded. "I know," she said, her voice quivering. She took a deep breath. "Can I be tested? I'm your daughter, so maybe I could be…."
He was shaking his head, his eyes filled with sadness as well as gratitude. "No, baby, you can't," he said softly. "You're too young. And I won't let you. Neither will your mama." He sighed and leaned forward, kissing her on the forehead. "But thank you." She leaned into his shoulder again, her tears starting anew. He looked over her shoulder and saw Rayna in the doorway, heartbreak all over her face. "You got the car?" She nodded mutely, as Maddie sat up and turned to face her.
He could see the pain in Rayna's eyes, the despair on her face, the look of resignation in her posture. "Y'all ready?" she asked, her voice low and flat.
Deacon stood up. "Yeah, I think so." He looked at Maddie. "You got everything?" She nodded and stood up. He walked over to Rayna and she wrapped her arms around his waist and he put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her close to him. Then he took a deep breath and put one arm around Rayna's waist and the other around Maddie's shoulders. "Let's go home," he said. "It's been a really long day."
They were mostly silent on the ride home. Maddie slumped in the back seat and stared out the side window. Deacon turned to look at her and felt his breath catch. His little girl. Who shouldn't have had to face this. They just hadn't had enough time together. He turned back to look out the front windshield and then closed his eyes. You quit drinking so long ago. Why is this happening now? It was a cruel joke. He finally had everything he ever wanted, only to face losing it.
He felt Rayna's hand on his and he opened his eyes, turning to look at her. She glanced at him, that devastated look still on her face. She tried to smile a little, but he could see the sadness there. He sighed and turned away. He still felt guilty for putting this on her. He sure did appreciate that she was with him and, like he told her, it made it easier to bear, but he felt like he was transferring his burden to her and he hated that. She'd taken care of him for so many years and this was exactly what he'd been trying to avoid.
When they got to the house, the three of them walked in almost as though they were sleepwalking. Maddie stopped, then turned to look at her parents. "I'm going to bed," she said.
Rayna walked over to her and gathered her in her arms, hugging her tightly, kissing her lightly on the head. "Good night, sweet girl," she murmured.
Then Maddie turned to Deacon and she hugged him almost desperately, as though he might float away. He could feel the tears welling up and he willed them away. He hugged her close. Then she stepped back and he smiled at her. "Get some sleep. Tomorrow's another day," he said.
She tried smiling back, nodding. "Yeah, I guess," she said. Then she turned and headed for the stairs.
Deacon watched her walk away and then he turned to Rayna. Her face was drawn and weary as she looked up at him. He reached for her and wrapped his arms around her. "It's been a long day," he whispered against her hair. "I think a good night's sleep is what we need too."
Rayna pulled back and nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty drained." She took his hand and they headed towards the bedroom.
Deacon took off his shirt and dropped it on the bench at the foot of the bed. He watched Rayna, her back to him, slowly taking off her jewelry. He breathed in slowly. "I forgot to get a bottle of water," he said. "You want one?" She looked up at him in the mirror and shook her head.
He walked back to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. For a moment, he just stood there, thinking about the day. It had started out like any other day. He and Rayna and the girls were supposed to perform at Teddy's benefit for the school music program. It was going to be the first time they'd performed together since the Ft. Campbell show, but this time they really were a family, instead of just looking like one.
Then the call had come that a donor liver had been found and they'd rushed to the hospital. It had been an emotional rollercoaster. First, the possibility that he had some kind of virus that would prevent him from having the surgery at all. Then, when that was cleared up, finding out that the liver wasn't viable after all. A dry run was what Dr. Rand had called it. But it had felt like a knockout punch.
He was trying hard not to feel disheartened. Not to feel like he'd lost his only chance. Pretty soon it would be too late. They would run out of time. He hadn't wanted to be discouraging to Maddie, but it wasn't his nature to lie. He'd learned the hard way that trying to hide his illness from the people he loved most had only ended up hurting them more. If this was the end of the song for him, after all, he wanted to sing it with Rayna and Maddie. He wanted to have whatever they could have together as a family. At least he would die knowing they'd been together.
He swallowed over the lump in his throat and brushed away the tears that had welled up. He took a deep breath and then reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water, walking back to the bedroom.
Rayna was still standing at her vanity, her hands on the counter and her head down. Deacon frowned slightly and then realized she was crying. He set down the bottle of water and walked over to her. He wrapped his hands around her arms and leaned against her. "Baby, it's gonna be okay," he said.
She turned around to face him, tears streaming down her face as she looked into his eyes. "Nothing's okay, Deacon," she sobbed. "And I don't know what to do to make it okay."
He nodded. "Let's sit down," he said, and led her to the bench. She leaned into him and he put his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. They sat just holding each other for long minutes.
She sat back and looked at him. "It's just not fair, Deacon. You worked so hard for so long to beat this thing. You got sober. You did the work and you became the man I knew you could be. And now we've finally figured things out for us and…." The tears welled up again. "It could all be gone," she whispered. Her eyes were filled with heartache. "Please don't die."
He looked down at her hands and took them in his. Then he looked back at her. "I don't want to. But I can't tell you that won't happen," he said sadly.
Her face screwed up with tears. He hated seeing her cry. "I don't want to think that way," she cried.
He didn't either. But he thought about what she'd said at the cabin, that he was stronger than he thought he was. He remembered what he'd said to her when he proposed to her, about being the man she needed. I am that man. I gotta be that man for my family. As bad as it is, as bad as it could be, I gotta be strong for them. I gotta get them through this. He leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. "I'm gonna fight, baby, you know that. But we gotta be prepared," he said, pain filling his voice. "There might not be another liver."
She dropped his hands and moved back into his arms, crying softly against his shoulder. "I don't know if I can handle it. When I think about how much time I wasted…."
He ran his hand over her head soothingly. "Hey, don't. No regrets. Right?" He kissed her forehead again. "You've always been the strongest person I know, Ray," he said.
She shook her head against his chest. "Not about this." She sat up again and looked deep into his eyes, as though she was searching for the solution. "Tell me how I'm gonna do this if you're not here. How am I gonna make this okay for our girl? I don't know if I can do this."
"You can, Ray. You and me, we're gonna keep fighting. And we're gonna trust God to make it alright."
She sat up again and looked at him intently. "Aren't there any other options? Can't someone donate a part of their liver? I remember Dr. Rand mentioning that."
He raised his eyebrows and nodded. "Yeah, they could. But it's risky. And I don't want someone else to put themselves in jeopardy for me."
"But what if they wanted to?"
He gave her a tiny smile. "Scarlett wanted to, but she wasn't the right blood type. And Maddie asked, but I told her no."
Rayna looked at him for a moment, then away, and took a deep breath. She looked like she was debating something in her head and then she looked back at him. "What about Beverly?" she asked.
Deacon sighed. "She didn't want to do it," she said.
"Get tested?"
He shook his head. "Be my donor. She did get tested. She was a match."
She frowned. "What? And she refused to do it?"
"I get it, Ray. She was scared and she didn't want to. I'm not gonna make her."
"But what if she's the only one…." She choked on the words. "The only one who can…save you?"
His emotions got the best of him for a moment and he felt his eyes get wet. "Then I won't get saved," he said softly. Then he took a deep breath and shook off the tears. "It's okay, baby. I can't make her do it."
"But you're her brother," she said, through her tears. "How could she let you…." She put her face in her hands.
"Don't do this, baby," he murmured, rubbing her arms.
"But why, Deacon?" she wailed. "I don't understand."
He took a deep breath. "You know, Ray, she and me, it's just hard. She blames me for leaving her and not being there for her. And I know she was hurting and I left her in a bad place, but I had to get out. She coulda come too, she just didn't. But she's always blamed me. So I think this is her way of leaving me."
She shook her head, as though she couldn't comprehend that. "I don't think I can do this," she sobbed, finally. "I can't go on without you." She reached for him and clung to him and he wrapped his arms around her. He held her as she cried, rubbing a hand over her back. He wondered, then, if she regretted signing on for this. He hated to hurt her, yet again. But he didn't want to leave anything on the table between them. Not this time. If it was forever, this time, he didn't want to lose another minute, another second. He let her cry, until her sobs had turned into deep, ragged breathing, and then, finally, she sat up, with a deep sigh, her eyes rimmed in red.
He kissed the top of her forehead. "Let's go to bed, baby." She looked at him and gave him a tiny smile and nodded.
He fitted himself against her back, feeling the softness of her skin, smelling her sweetness. Back when they had been together, before everything that had happened that had pulled them apart, one thing he'd always known was that they fit each other. He listened to her breathing and knew she wasn't asleep. It had been a hard night and emotions had run high. There would be little sleep tonight, he knew.
He leaned in and kissed her neck. She pressed back against him gently. "Baby, I love you," he said. "I'm gonna love you as good as I can every single day. We can write together. Every day. Let's write it all down, write songs, so you'll always have that. You can go back to that and remember." He could feel her breathe in. "We can't let a minute go by where we don't go all in." He kissed her shoulder. "I'll always be with you, Ray," he whispered. "Even if it's just in your heart. I'll always be there."
She rolled over to face him. She looked deep into his eyes and ran her hand over his cheek and then down to his chin. She ran her thumb over his lips. He could see the tears in her eyes. "Love me," she said softly. "I need you."
He pressed his lips to hers and ran his hand down her side until he heard her sigh. She wrapped her arms around him and they took solace then in each other.
When Deacon woke the next morning, the sun was peeking through the curtains and he was in bed alone. He got up and pulled on some clothes, then wandered out to the kitchen. Rayna was standing at the coffeemaker, grabbing the pot of coffee, dressed in jeans and a jacket, her hair pulled back into a ponytail. She turned to him and smiled, then leaned in to kiss him. "Hey," she said affectionately, seemingly back to her old self.
He smiled a little. "Hey." He frowned. "Are you going somewhere?"
She nodded and turned back to the coffeemaker. "Yeah. I've got to make a quick trip to New York to see a possible new artist." She poured coffee into a travel mug and then looked back at him. "Bucky arranged a plane for me, so I'm headed to the airport."
"New York?"
She walked over to the kitchen island where she had her purse and a satchel. "Just for the day. I'll be back tonight." She looked at him. "Teddy's bringing Daphne by to pick up her school project. Then he'll take both girls to school." She put a hand on his arm and leaned in for another kiss. "Can you pick them up?"
He nodded, a little confused, not only by the surprise trip, but by the apparent change in her demeanor from the night before. "Yeah, sure," he said.
She smiled. "Thanks, babe. I gotta run." She put her arms around his waist and hugged him to her, as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. He kissed her warmly. "I love you," she said.
"I love you too." He stepped back and she picked up her purse, satchel and the travel mug. "Have a good trip."
She smiled. "That's the plan," she said, and then she hurried out of the house.
When she was settled on the plane, she pulled out a magazine. She flipped through it absentmindedly, then closed it. The pilot stepped out of the cockpit and she looked up.
"We're ready, Ms. Jaymes," he said. "Flight time to Natchez is about an hour and twenty minutes."
She smiled. "Thanks. I'm ready to go."