So... first songfic so excuse me if I'm bad at this. I've had this song stuck in my head and the closer I looked at the lyrics, the more it reminded me of Beck and Jade nowadays. The song is "Like A Knife" by Secondhand Serenade.
The lyrics from Jade's perspective, but the writing is from either's point of view, but mostly Jade's. The storyline is set post Breakfast Brunch and spands through out the rest of season three and beyond The Blonde Squad.
Disclaimer: I never said I owned the show, or the song.
I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"Jade," he snapped, jolting her back into reality. He was trying to be patient, but her constant daydreaming was starting to get on his nerves. There was only so much one guy could take "Did you even hear what I said?"
She bit her lip and looked up at her incredibly annoyed boyfriend, unsure or whether to get annoyed herself (which would only result in a screaming match) or to be apologetic (and hope for the best). "I'm sorry," she said quietly looking up at him.
He calmed down a bit and shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. He had long ago stopped asking what she was thinking about, because she would only snap back at him in a cold voice, which would end in words that were better left unsaid, bitter tears and the slamming of his RV door that was starting to break due to the constant abuse. "Why did you zone out on me again?" he asked, trying to keep his tone calm.
"I guess it's cause reality is too much to take sometimes," she said, regretting the words as soon as they were voiced. She squeezed her eyes shut for a second, preparing for another heated argument. But when she opened her eyes again, all she saw was his retreating figure going out the RV door, and winced as the vibration of him slamming the door coursed through her body.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
She leaned against the door, smirking to herself as Tori failed miserably at acting as a child on the edge. The dark girl knew exactly what life on the edge was like- it was her entire existence. "Wow Tori," she said, unable to hold back the laughter that had been building up inside of her ever since the terrible rehearsal had started. "I'm sure you'll get the role."
The other girl's face heated up with shame and humiliation at her comment. Beck frowned to himself and grabbed his girlfriend's wrist, faking a smile at the others as he dragged her out. He walked her to the janitor's closet and slammed the door shut. "Would it kill you to be nice to Tori?" he shouted at her. "You know she's trying her hardest, but you still give her hell over it! The whole world isn't yours for the taking, Jadelyn, you have to accept that you're not always gonna be the center of everything!"
Angry tears coursed down her face, but he took no notice of that. He just stood there and kept telling her everything that was wrong with her, with them. She couldn't take it anymore and pushed him to the side, throwing the door open while running through the halls of the school. She couldn't take it anymore, being with him, yet she needed him and his approval as much as she needed the air to breathe.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away
They knew that it was wrong. Being together just to tear each other apart, kissing just to shove each other away in disgust not long after, breathing to suffocate. It was an endless cycle of love and hate, disgust and need, pain and pleasure, and they couldn't imagine their lives without the burden of each other anymore...it was impossible.
"Don't go," she begged him as he sat up, pulling on his jeans. "Beck please...stay with me." Her voice was thin and desperate, as that of a lost child in stark contrast to her normal cold and standoffish self. It was her sensitive side that no one ever saw: even Beck only saw rare glimpses of this side.
He looked back at her, the comforter thrown across her bed covering her bare form. He shook his head, even though he wanted nothing more than to crawl back into the bed beside her and hold her close to him, in silence and bliss. Instead he pulled on his shirt and laced up his boots, walking out the door without another look back at the girl he used to proudly call his girlfriend.
She angrily brushed away at the tears flowing down her face, pulling on her clothes and walking to the bathroom. She splashed cold water on her too pale face, ignoring the purple bruises forming under her eyes as a result of sleepless nights. She was a hollow shell of her former self, she now realized as she looked at the reflection in the mirror. She was wasting away.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
"Ten!" she shouted at the door, the word sounding more like a strangled cry than a shout of anger. She bit her trembling lower lip as she stepped tentatively towards the door. He was supposed to come out, she thought to herself. But he didn't. She reached out for the doorknob, wanting to so badly turn it and walk inside, apologizing to him as if her life depended on it.
But as her trembling hand reached the doorknob, his words from earlier that day screamed loudly in her mind. "I'm not happy with our relationship!" Her hand fell away from the door and she backed off from it as if it had stung her. Fighting back tears she knew would start flowing imminently, she turned around and walked away to her car.
She turned the key in the ignition, her vision blinded by tears that had started streaming down her face as she pulled out of the Vegas' driveway. He could've came out if he wanted to. But he just chose to stay where he was, letting her go through the ten seconds of torture before confirming that he was done with their relationship. She couldn't believe that this was her life...but looking in the rearview mirror at her tearstreaked face she knew it had all happened to her.
Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
The rain pounded relentlessly on her umbrella as she walked through the dark and cold street. It reflected how she felt on the inside now that her lover- ex lover- was gone-grey and dismal. It wouldn't matter if she was in the middle of Death Valley, it was like a dark cloud was hanging over her head at all times. Some people would say that she was being dramatic, but she knew deep down on the inside that it was she had her other half ripped away.
She climbed onto the bus and slipped on her headphones, killing her ears with the sound of screaming lyrics, wailing guitars and pounding drums to take her mind off the guy that she'd given everything to to get nothing in return. She bit the inside of her cheek and turned the music on at full blast, glaring at anyone that looked at her in annoyance.
Memories of them sneaking out late at night to meet each other filled her mind before she could stop them. It was before the RV, and she still remembered waiting by the graveyard for him to show up at 3 AM. The softly spoken words of love and commitment, the soft pressure of his lips on his, the assuring strength of his arms wrapped around her waist-all gone in a moment of weakness. People gave her questioning looks as she brushed away the tears that weren't supposed to be there, rolling her eyes at them.
Obviously they hadn't known what it was like to have your heart ripped out, she thought to herself as she walked into the dark place she called her home. Her father yelled something at her as he staggered into the room, only to fall over and black out. She grimaced in disgust as she ran up to her room, the music still pounding in her ears. As much as she hated to admit it, she needed Beck. But he obviously didn't need her.
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.
Weeks went by, but the hole in her heart refused to mend. And every time she thought she was fine, he would walk by and give her his trademark half smile and she's break again. It was impossible to fix her these days, the wounds wouldn't even attempt to mend, no matter how hard she tries to forget and move on. She started using more makeup to cover up the signs of withdrawal of what had used to be almost her drug.
In a moment of blinded anger and grief she had thrown everything he had once given her in the fire, only to burn her hands trying to retrieve it all a few minutes after. Tears ran down her face and her body racked with sobs as she scooped up the charred remains of what little proof she had that their relationship had even existed. That it wasn't all just a dream.
She could only blame herself for the pain she was going through. She shouldn't have just walked away like that...she should've gone in and tried to make things better. But all that was left was regret, and wishing she could turn back the time so that none of this ever happened. Where had it even gone wrong? Maybe somewhere amongst the fights about her getting jealous too easily and his purposely flirting with other girls to annoy her. But at the end, she was the one that walked out the door.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
She watched Cat run off with her new security guard, Oliver, as she leaned back on the counter, drumming her nails against the counter. She wasn't so sure she even wanted to do anything related to the Platinum Music Awards anymore- the only reason was to irritate Beck and get back at Tori for all of those times that she had stolen the spotlight from her.
She could swear she could still hear his voice as she closed her eyes...and also Tori's. She furrowed her brow in confusion and opened her eyes, realizing that the redhead hadn't closed the livechat on her PearBook. Then again, Cat was always forgetful, as she had learned over the many years of being friends with her.
As she leaned over to turn it off, she saw her ex boyfriend and frenemy sitting on the couch together and suddenly stopped. She zoomed in a bit and crept closer, watching them joke around and talk about meat hats and being in the music industry. She stood up straight, about to close the laptop, knowing that every second she spent looking at them only reminded her more and more of what they used to be.
But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
She rolled her eyes at their jokes and moved closer to turn off the laptop when he leaned in towards the Latina girl. She froze in her spot as she stared at them, her broken heart shattering into unrepairable image was forever ingrained in her memory and heart...the fact that he could so easily move on from everything they used to be and have.
The other girl attempted to the long haired boy why they couldn't kiss, but Jade barely heard any of it. Only two thoughts stuck out in her mind...firstly that he could easily put her down whenever she wasn't in earshot...and secondly that he could so easily and readily move on from what he had with her, as if their relationship meant nothing to him in the first place.
As she closed the laptop, she went from living her life to being an actress playing the part in a movie. She ended up giving up her spot in the awards ceremony to Tori-it wasn't as if she was in any shape to preform anyways- and ended up having to sit next to none other than Beck Oliver himself.
She faked a smile at him, knowing he wouldn't pay enough attention to know it was all an act. But when he smiled back at her, sincerely and warmly, she was forced to turn away, paying that the dim lights would be able to mask the tears silently rolling down her cheeks.
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember
"Don't do that, I don't want you to hurt yourself," he muttered in her hear as he pulled her off Cat. She writhed in his arms like a snake but he held onto her waist firmly. "Jade, calm down. This isn't helping anyone." He set her down soon after, looking into her crazed blue eyes. "Just sit down."
She wordlessly walked over to the chair beside his, sitting down. He didn't mean it, she though quietly to herself. He had just said that to get her to calm down like he used to do all the time when they were together. And as much as she hated to admit it, he could still make her feel calm and safe.
They walked down the hall together as Tori ran in screaming about some crazy girl changing her locker, almost the same as they used to be. But as she looked up at him with her heart in her throat, she could see that he was over her. It was obvious to her that he forgot the feeling that being together gave them...and again she felt her heart twist in pain again.
Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.
"Why am I playing the dumb one?" she asked, getting off the floor and frowning at him. Cat was the obvious choice for the ditzy and ignorant one, seeing that that was who she was. "Well?" She walked over to him and frowned.
"Just, shush," she said, waving her off dismissively as he looked down at the script. He snapped his fingers and someone handed a coffee to him before scurrying off to adjust the lights. She has to deal with it, he thought to himself as he half heartedly listened to Andre's rant about his grandmother's bird. He announced that they were done for the day before walking off to his car.
She looked at him and muttered something to Tori and Cat about using the washroom before walking after him. She didn't know why she was even doing this, but all she knew was she had to tell him something before she lost the courage to.
She walked up behind him when she saw him talking to a pretty blonde girl in front of him. She backed away slowly, biting down on her lips to keep from yelling at her to back off when she reached over and brushed his cheek with the back of her hand. The other girl looked at her and smirked slightly, pulling Beck closer to her.
Jade just stood up and walked away, snapping angrily at anyone who tried to talk to her. If eh could move on, she would learn how to manage on her own, without needing anyone else. She swore silently to herself not to ever let anyone in the way she had let him in, because she now knew that heartbreak was the ultimate result, no matter how long it was avoided for.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
She watched the numbers change on her clock in the dark solitude of her room, her knees drawn up to her chest. Exactly one year ago, she had walked out on Beck, driving away in her car in the middle of one of the worst thunderstorms in the history of Los Angeles. And regret was still eating her up on the inside every time she saw his face.
(Stay with me, or watch me bleed)
The loud music boomed through the empty house, shattering several beer bottles that lay scattered around her room ever so often. Her dad was gone again for another six months, and he couldn't care less what happened to her. Her mother was somewhere in Europe with the new boyfriend, and she hadn't even tried to make any contact with Jade for two years now. So the dark haired girl finally got what she wanted. She was completely alone.
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
She pulled out her red PearBook, wiping away any alcohol on her lips with her sleeve as she played the only episode of 'Queries for Couples'-the rehearsal that had never been aired. Long ago she had convinced Sinjin to hand over the video to him, which he had done so willingly. She clicked play and the first thing she heard was "I'm not happy with our relationship!".
(I need you just to breathe.)
Her eyes filled with tears and she slammed her laptop shut, a few shards of the screen shattering as she did so. She threw it back onto the black sofa chair on the other side of the room where her boyfriend- her ex boyfriend- used to sit. She grabbed another bottle of beer and popped off the top, drinking it down thirstily as tears raced down her face. If she had known this how she would've ended up she would have never even looked at Beck. But it wasn't his fault.
I'm not living this life
She looked at the mirror and threw down the now empty bottle, pulling on her coat. She walked outside into the middle of the pouring rain as she had been doing for as far back as she could remember. She loved the rain now, it had become a part of her. Maybe someday she'd find the strength to confront Beck about how all of this had been killing her for the past year. But she doubted it.
And that was because that wasn't her life anymore.
Hope you liked it.
-blood stained star