A/N: Soooo I finally decided to load up this new story! I don't really know what to say here, but I hope you enjoy, and don't get confused about the first parts not seeming to be selection-related. The first four chapters will be like a pre-story that you'll need to understand the main plot that will actually take place in the palace. I will see to update these first four rather quickly so that we can get into the real story. Yeiii. Now enjoy :)
Disclaimer: I don't own The Selection, Kiera Cass does.
I wasn't brave enough. In fact, I hadn't been brave enough my whole life. Not brave enough to go to school the first day. Not brave enough to break the contact to Marlene. Not even when she left me crying every time we met. Not brave enough to tell my classmates to do their own homework. Not brave enough to take the solo part in orchestra. Not brave enough to tell Raoul what I felt. And now I wasn't brave enough to do what I wanted to. Again.
I sat in my room, my pencil scrapping angrily over the paper. What was I going to do? Tomorrow, I would get my grades for the finals, tomorrow I would basically finish school. It didn't feel real actually. As far as my parents had planned, I would go to university in October and start studying math and french, my advanced classes in high school, to become a teacher. But as far as I had planned, I wouldn't do that. If I was brave enough to say so. I looked down at the lines I had made. It was a black pattern, just me fooling around as always. It was what it was, a pencil in my hand made me feel much better. That was what I wanted to do, go to university and study design. Not fashion design, or drawing or anything, I really wasn't gifted there, but design in general. I didn't really know, interior design, advertisement, something like that. I was dreaming of Angeles, the royal sunshine city and it's old university. Not that this was a dream that could ever come true. None of the ideas in my sketchbook had ever become reality because I couldn't really talk about it, because I was supposed to do what my parents did, not to live a dream.
„Jasmine", my mom called from downstairs, „we're having dinner would you help laying the table please?" „Sure", I called back, carefully putting my sketchbook and my dreams in the drawer under my desk. While heading towards the kitchen, I could already hear plates rattling. Of course my brother had heard what mom had told me to do and done it himself. He also wanted to be a teacher. The perfect child. But then again, I had to remind myself that I appeared like that, too. No one ever came close to my sketchbook, and I never told anybody about the dream. Maybe Thommy had his own dream, too. The idea made me feel better and worse at the same time. Not being the only one trapped in my parents ideas felt good, but I could never stand it if Thommy would have to suffer like I did. And in the end, that was the main point. As I entered the kitchen, I had made my decision to fight for the future I dreamed of. I'd be brave enough this time.
My father was already sitting at the kitchen table and greeted me absentmindedly before going back to his newspaper, but he eventually pushed it away when I sat down as well and Mom and Thommy put the food on the table. Mom had made rice with spicy chicken and some phak khom, a vegetable we grew in hour own garden. It was kind a traditional dish in the region in New Asia where my family originally came from which I didn't know much about except that it was called Thailand or something like that. I wish I knew more about it, but both of my parents seem to hush up their background. „So, Jasmine, dear, have you looked up the possible universities you might want to have a look at? Are you already considering any of them in particular?", Mom interrupted my thoughts. „Yes, I have checked the information we got in school again and looked for more information. But I haven't decided on anything yet", I answer carefully. It wasn't even a lie, but I had already focused on universities that offered courses in design and also languages. Not that they knew.
„Make sure they have good references, and also focus on the subjects. You must be able to study math and french", my Dad added. At that, something inside me broke. „Actually I haven't focused on these subjects at all", I could hear myself saying. Suddenly all eyes were on me. „You haven't?", Dad asked coldly, „then what have you been searching for?" My hands started shaking uncontrollably, and I tried to calm down as I saw Thommy's worried face. I could do it. Be brave, Jasmine.
„Have you ever thought of the possibility that I could not want to be a teacher like you? That maybe math and french were great in high school, but that this isn't what I want to do my whole life?" Dad tried to say something, but Mom held up a hand. „Don't you think I have my own interests? After all, this is my life. Have you ever wondered what I do when I'm alone in my room the whole day? I sketch. A lot. And I'm good, but I would have never shown you because... because you would take it away, although my sketchbook is basically the only thing in my life that is really me. I don't want to go to university and study to be a teacher. I want to go and study to be a designer, I want to design anythings, draw letters and invent interior design and so on, because that is what I love. And I know you don't want me to do that, but let me tell you one thing: I'll do it anyways."
„ENOUGH!", my Dad shouted. „A designer, my daughter, that isn't even a real work! How dare you betraying your family like that! You have two weeks, and if you haven't become sensible by then, you can leave this place, and study your goddamned design, but without me, and without the money your parents have worked hard for!"
I hadn't realized I had started crying, but now the tears were flooding down my face. I stood up and left, angrily slamming the door of my room upstairs and falling onto my bed. I had expected being brave meant feeling better, but I was only feeling worse. I had turned my family against me, and what in the world was I going to do without them? If you haven't changed your mind in two weeks, you can leave. But where could I go? The only place that ever came close to home was Alisia Silo's house. Alisia was my best friend at high school, and her brother Raoul had always been one of my best friends as well, at least until a year ago. Because that was the point I had realized what Alisia had said month before: That I was in love with Raoul Silo just being friends wasn't possible, at least not for me. He didn't seem to notice, because I never told him. Not brave enough. When Alisia had finally forced me into telling him, I never got to do it because he announced he had applied for the fucking selection. Princess Eadlyn. Yeah okay, if that's what he's looking for, I never stood a chance anyway, I said to myself. The weeks until he got chosen were literally hell. I still got to see him at least once in a week, and I was not okay. Now he was in Angeles, in the palace, having fun with the princess or whatever. I didn't even want to know. Has he kissed her yet?
A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts, and thank goodness, because thinking about Raoul kissing that obnoxious princess girl made me want to vomit and burst out into tears again at the same time. At the door was Thommy, quietly asking if he could come in. „I'm sorry", he says as we sit down on my bed. „What could you be sorry for?", I ask him, surprised. My brother stared at his hands: „You're my sister, and I thought I knew you. I still think you trust me, don't worry. But I'm sorry that you must be so scared, so that you can't even talk to me about what you are worrying about." I pull him into a hug. „I thought it wasn't important, you know. I didn't want to worry you with something that would never ever be real, or important. But I realized that what I love will always be important." „What did you mean by design?", he wanted to know. „Do you want to see?", I offered. From my drawer, I got the sketchbook. Thommy looked through the pages quietly, but then he remarked: „These are really good, you know? You were right when you said you could do it." „Yes, but I would need to study, go to university", I admitted. „So that's what you are going to do? You are going to leave?" I could feel that, although he was trying to comfort me, he was terrified of me leaving. And I could understand him because if I left, was there a chance to come back? „I don't know, Thommy, I don't know how. But if I do, I'll still be your sister, and I'll never leave you behind. Never." Saying it out loud, I realized it was true. I couldn't leave him. Never. We sat there, cuddled together on my bed, and eventually Thommy fell asleep, but I stayed up all night thinking about a way towards the future I wanted. My parents didn't appear once.