Dearest Nick,
I'm so sorry that I left. It has been 365 days and not one of those days have passed where I haven't thought about you...or her. You helped me get through what I lost. What we lost. Our beautiful baby girl. I still see her gorgeous, little face everyday.
You didn't deserve for me to leave. To leave you. You held me. You held me and let me cry without counting the hours until I stopped. You never blamed me, even though I blamed myself. You tried to stay strong for me even though I could never of done the same for you. I didn't even realise how much I needed your strength until I look back.
You organised everything; the Church, the flowers...even the Headstone. The headstone that read her name. Olivia Hayley Tilsley. Our baby girl.
I remember the day I had been discharged from Hospital and I noticed that you had cleared the nursery out. I never even mentioned how thankful I was -how thankful I am- that you cleared it out. I would not of been able to cope with seeing her cot all set up without her to fill it. Seeing all of her teddies neatly layed around her Moses basket with nobody to cuddle up to them. Seeing all of the little outfits hung up in her miniature wardrobe, knowing that we would never be able to dress her in them.
How I saw her being born 15 weeks early as being her wanting to escape and get away from me, you made me see it as her being eager to come out and meet us. When I hated and blamed my body not being able to carry her any longer, you pointed out the perfect little features on her face and showed me what my body had created.
The 62 minutes that our daughter was with us was happiest yet, most painful time of my life. She was with us before the inevitable happened. Every breath she took I was thankful for and every minute that passed I dreaded.
You was there for me Nick. You helped give me the strength to sort myself out and once I was able to stand on my own two feet, I had to go. For myself. For you.
You didn't grieve properly. You needed sometime for yourself and with me around that wasn't going to happen. You were too selfless and I was too selfish.
I left because I couldn't bare to be on that Street. The Street where we planned out our future together. The Street we lived on and The Street we thought Olivia would grow up on. The Street where all of my memories were sour...besides the ones of us. I couldn't bare to loose the memories of us or for them to be corrupted by what might of happened between us I had stayed. If I stuck around we would of ended up breaking ourselves..if not each other. I loved you too much for that Nick.
They say times a great healer. I, however, would not go so far as to use the use the word great.
I hope you forgive me. I miss you. I still love you. I'm so sorry that I left.
Forever yours,
Carla x