Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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I'm Not Over
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At times the dreams of Bucky aren't so bad, really. Just long ago memories, that even in their supposed innocence, still wake Steve and leave him shaken.
"I had him on the ropes," he said, using his coat sleeve to wipe his lip.
Bucky gives him a slightly fond, yet slightly exasperated smile. "I know you did."
Or, it's horrible night terrors—Bucky falling, falling, falling, and falling off the train. Steve unable to save Bucky, the only person who ever really mattered; not being enough to save what could only be described as Steve Rogers everything. This is the nightmare that shocks him awake, hearing his voice broken and horse, calling out Bucky's name; panting and breathless, and soaked to the bone with sweat.
It is only in the dark of night, alone in his room, where Steve can fully acknowledge his greatest failure, his greatest shame. Allow the tears to run freely down his face. To accept fault for being the reason the love of his life is dead.
When around the public or his team, he is Captain America—a strong leader, capable of entering the battle, to fight for what's right and good.
Alone and under the cover of darkness, he is Steve Rogers—the little guy from Brooklyn, half broken, and in need of the only person he ever fully trusted.
For this is the frightening reality that makes Steve hate the year 2012. Makes him wish his trip to the ice had been much more permanent, to be the death Steve had happily accepted and welcomed with open arms.