On my Live Journal I had an entry about a conversation a friend and I had about writing what you know. I had been feeling rather lack luster about writing and she suggested that I try writing about myself rather than fanfiction. I tried this and I found it far too personal to deal with. Just the act of writing a female character based on myself sent me into tears. I apparently am rather fond of my denial. Fact of the matter is I have to deal one way or another, so I'm doing it this way rather than the completely me way. I understand if people don't read it after this note, but this is purely therapeutic at this point. There is no comedy here, no lighter side like in the vast majority of my writing. This is all based completely on real events and I refuse to brighten them up just so this fits with the rest of my work. I think it might actually destroy me to try.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to their respective owners.
Warning: Illness, pain issues, depression issues, definite OOC.
Not betaed because it is far too personal.
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"Do you need any help?" a soft voice murmured.
Sapphire eyes slowly shifted to take in the male beside him, scanning over long silver hair and lean muscle before turning back to the stairs in front of him. "No," his voice was barely more than a whisper, "I'll be fine."
"You sure?" Sephiroth pressed, cat like eyes staring at the small blond with concern.
"Yeah," Cloud smiled weakly, "Just need to go slow. Why don't you head down and start dinner now, no need for you to put off eating because of me."
"Cloud…"
"Don't, just…I'll be right down."
Sephiroth pursed his lips for a moment before giving a small nod and moving down the flight of stairs. Cloud moved only a fraction of a second later, only his movements were sluggish and careful, as if he were wading through murky water, unsure of what he might encounter. Lifting one foot cautiously, the blond stiffled a wince as pain shot through his leg, racing up the side of his thigh to settle deep within his hip. Grasping the railing for support, Cloud shot a wary glance down to the foot of the stairs where Sephiroth stood watching him. Seeing the unmistakable glint of pity within those emerald orbs, Cloud offered up a smile. This silver haired male just sighed, turning on his heel and making his way across the entrance hall into the kitchen.
As soon as Sephiroth vanished from sight Cloud allowed the mask he hid behind to fall away. Grimacing, the blond eased his leg away from his body, stretching it as far as the tightened ligaments would allow before easing it down onto the first step without bending either of his legs. He didn't dare allow even one of his knees to bend, knowing full well that even one second in such a position would cause him to crumble. The last time he bent his knee to go down the stairs the pain in his legs had flared so badly that it felt like all his energy had been sucked from his body, like his very heart would stop from the sudden unbearable ripping sensation that had flooded his being. In that single moment of weakness, that single mistake that would not be repeated, Cloud had lost what little control of his body he still maintained, his legs buckling under the onslaught, sending his body tumbling down the stairs to land in a heap. He had been lucky he hadn't broken anything.
Letting out a deep sigh as his foot made contact with the first step, Cloud's eyes slid shut momentarily. Gathering his strength for a brief moment, the blond used his grip on the railing to push his body into a position where he could pivot, allowing his other leg to swing down from the top of the stairs to the next. Despite the slow motion, Cloud dared not lose the small amount of momentum he had created. As soon as his foot hit the next step down, the blond shifted his grip on the railing ever so slightly, forcing his other leg to begin the same slow movement. Over and over he repeated the agonizing motion, careful not to lose his pace or bend his knees, until finally he reached the landing. Gasping for breath, the blond fought down the waves of burning agony ripping through his legs and lower back.
Opening sapphire eyes he hadn't realized he'd closed, Cloud took one last fortifying breath before slowly turning his body to face the second half of the stairs. It seemed so much longer than the first half, as if it stretched on forever rather than a few short feet. It couldn't be that hard really, just lift one foot and start the descent again, yet Cloud found that he couldn't. He told his leg to lift, he really did, but it remained firmly planted on the stair landing. Feeling his body begin to tremble, the blond gripped the railing so tightly his knuckles turned white, his mind desperately screaming at his body to move, to make its way down the final bit of stairs so that he could go to dinner. But he remained motionless, remained on the landing as his body shook.
After a moment the burning pain that he had forced from his mind came crashing back in, searing his nerves and causing him to gasp. Losing his grip on the railing, he sat heavily on the steps behind him, his legs finally giving out beneath him. Bowing his head as he clenched his jaw, Cloud refused to utter a sound. He wouldn't let Sephiroth hear him, wouldn't let the silver haired man know he couldn't do this simple thing. This was not something anyone else had the right to know about let alone see. He would just rest, allow himself one moment of weakness before forcing himself to continue down the stairs.
A hot prickle at the corner of his eyes made Cloud scowl, angrily brushing away the damning liquid that threatened to fall. He wouldn't cry, not over this. He'd kept so many tears at bay what was another one? It wasn't like this was the worst he had been either, so why should he give in to that weakness now? Growling softly the blond shifted in preparation to stand, sitting down and allowing that weakness had been a mistake. He wouldn't allow a single slip up to break him down, not after everything he had already endured.
Pushing upward the blond cried out, his body convulsing as burning, ripping pain seemed to shatter him. Cloud wasn't even aware of his name being called as he curled up on himself, falling from his seat on the stairs to lay prone on the landing. Eyes screwed shut he barely noticed another presence on the stairs, barely heard them approaching or crouching down beside him. It wasn't until he felt the hands gripping his shoulders that he even knew that he had let out any noise, that he had alerted Sephiroth to his situation. Cloud couldn't bring himself to open his eyes even as the waves of agony slowed and finally relented. He wouldn't look into the other male's face, not when tears were streaming down his.
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Oh god I had to stop writing after less than a page and get a hold on myself. It left me rather raw feeling if you know what I mean.
I feel I should probably explain this a bit. I suffer from fibermyalgia, an autoimmune disorder that causes pain and inflammation within the muscles and joints. Fibermyalgia is one of the few non degenerative autoimmune disorders, meaning that it will not cause my body to shut down on itself. Basically my body attacks itself but doesn't leave permanent damage. I do have a compromised immune system because of the severity of my case, but it is far from lethal like lupus, I'll probably only lose like 15-20 years off my life and since people in my family live to be 100 I'm not concerned. During high school I had a very severe flair and was undiagnosed. My fibermyalgia is so severe that it actually mimics many very life ending diseases. Some include brain tumors, spinal tumors, MS, neurological decay, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and more. Fun stuff let me tell you. This is actually exactly what I've gone through.
I don't want pity, do not comment about how sorry you are because that is not what I am looking for. I'm trying to get this out of me, trying to deal with this for the first time in years. I can't keep it all bottled up anymore or I'm going to lose it. I feel like if I tell someone else, someone who I don't have to look at and see just how sorry they are for me, then maybe I can let it go. I function just fine, I live a productive life, but it's eating up at me and I don't want to have it inside me anymore. I'll continue this even if no one reads it. I'll add a chapter here and there about things that happened to me, things that I still dream about and never want to experience again. I just need it out there rather than in here if that makes any sense.