Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Author's note: This fic is not meant to offend anyone, i wrote this for fun. This a Humor fic after all.
Rated for language and dirty minds. Lots of it. :D
When he first joined AVALANCHE, he was the arrogant, cocky jerk that will get into your nerves, the kind you would want to punch in the mouth repeatedly until all his tooth fell out, with his famous "not interested" line and his icy cold stare, he would often be in a fight with the leader of the rebel group, who during that time, was Barret. He almost quit one time because the arguments were getting out of hand, but it was the sultry ruby-eyed barmaid, which was coincidentally his lost chilhood friend and ultimate crush, the one who found him half dead and drooling in the Midgar train station, and offered him a job as a mercenary because they needed an extra muscle, was the one who also stopped him from departing. He asked for more money in exchange for that, and she agreed without missing a beat. But it was not only because of the money why he stayed, sure, he needed it, but there was something else that kept him glued to this group.
Behind that cold exterior and I'm-too-cool-to-give-a-damn attitude towards a certain woman behind the bar, somewhere inside of him was always screaming.
He can't still fucking believe that Tifa, the one he was longing for since he was a boy, was right there in front of him. And what's more is he noticed how she much grew, well, certain parts of her that is. He would wear his blank look while watching her mixing drinks, but his mind was screaming obscenities while his eyes slowly travel to those bouncy devil cushions while she was shaking her drink mixer, fighting the urge to move forward and bury his face in between them while carrying her by the ass screaming 'Bounce for me baby yes!' in between the shakes. Of course he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't want his head rolling off the floor and being stuffed later on to be hanged in the walls of Seventh heaven with 'Cloud Strife is a sex maniac' written below his severed head.
It wasn't because he was a loser, well, maybe he was, but it was all thanks to Tifa's jackass friends who when they were young treated him like some sort of disease, and being in a coma for five fucking years thanks to that shithead Hojo, he never had any experience with the opposite sex. His raging hormones is of a fifteen year old, and it was waiting to explode, in certain body parts of the sexy brunette.
When they were thrown together in that Shinra cell when they were trying to rescue Aeris, he watched Tifa who was lying in that cot against the wall, it was difficult not to picture himself in her place instead, with her straddling and riding him like he was a galloping chocobo on crack, with her meaty pillows bouncing and slapping against his sweaty face. He was thankful that Aeris caught his attention and talked about their "date", which clearly irritated the barmaid. His thoughts came back however because of it, making him want to charge at her, pin her down and start pounding her like some sort of meat to be tenderized, just to reassure her that she was the one he only wants. He beat the shit out of himself in his mind, he was disgusted with his thoughts. All of these were running in his head while wearing that classic too-cool-for-school look on his face.
He mastered the art of multitasking in battle just because of his desire to peek into Tifa's panties which was showing off during battle, he kept his focus on the enemies while catching a glimpse of that sweet fabric between her thighs, mentally praising and cursing himself for his hidden talent.
When he became a vegetable and was staying in that fucking wheelchair in a hospital in Mideel, it was Tifa who took care of him, trying to feed him, tucking him in, bathing him. That was his favorite part, for he was only pretending being still in dreamland on the last few days so he can witness Tifa in only her underwear while she bathed him. It was a good thing she kept his boxers on always, or she would have noticed his "buster sword" standing up in all its glory as if saying "Would you care for me, too Madam?", but he was sure she took notice but chose to ignore it. It was all cut short when Ultima weapon attacked the place and they fell into the lifestream. That fucking asshole.
Their night under the highwind was the best night of his life, well, that's what he thought, specially when Tifa uttered the trigger words that had his blood boiling, eyes and fingers twitching, mouth going dry, and heavy breathing.
Cloud... words isn't the only way to tell people what you're thinking...
That was the moment he was waiting all his life, the one opportunity to touch and caress every inch of this Goddess. But he was so busy thinking about where to start that he became drained and exhausted that they only ended up falling asleep by the rocks. He was sore by the morning , though wishing it was a different kind of sore, somewhere in his lower region, but instead it was his fucking neck that was killing him from leaning on Tifa's head all night. But atleast he got to "accidentally" lean on her generous futures during the duration of their sleeping session.
When they started living together on Edge after the fall of that big ball of turd from the sky that almost killed everyone, courtesy of that stupid fucker Sephiroth, he was struggling to stop himself in barging into her room, ripping her clothes off and show her the time of her life, so he decided to avoid her instead. His Geostigma was a good excuse even if he was in a lot of pain, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his most priced possession inside his pants.
He finally got the chance to go back to his house after the disease was cured thanks to his fallen friend and her magical healing rain, he would seclude himself inside his domain and brood and mutter to himself about his feelings for his ruby-eyed companion. Then one day he decided to just get out of his sanctuary, knock on her door, and tell her he loves her for a long fucking time already. Dammit. He stood up and went on his way. He slowly opened his door, went out, positioned himself outside her room and started to knock.
Then her door slowly open to reveal the beautiful barmaid in that dangerously thin as fuck nightgown that had him sweating like hell in an instant, grabbed a handful of his shirt and started dragging the very surprised swordsman inside then locking the door shut.
What he doesn't know is that all these years, the woman of his deepest and dirtiest fantasies where thinking the same way as him.
Author's note: This is a oneshot but I'm thinking of adding Tifa's POV on the next chapter lol. :p thanks for reading!