The Attack of Madness

by Red Witch

As if Zim didn't have enough distractions taking over the Earth, now he has to deal with a certain strange dog with a big eyeball. It's all Gir's fault.

The disclaimer saying I don't own any Invader Zim characters has run off to Acapulco. This fic has a bit more madness than usual. MADNESS!

The Attack of Madness

"That was fun!" Gir said cheerfully as the Voot Cruiser landed at Zim's base.

"No, it was not fun!" Zim snapped.

"Yes, it was!"

"No, it wasn't!"

"Yes, it was!"

"No, it wasn't Gir!" Zim snapped as they got out of the spaceship. "We're just lucky that those planetary warning monitors I installed around the solar system alerted us to the arrival of the horrible space monster Squishy! The Hugger of Worlds!"

"Aww! He's not so bad! He just likes to hug!" Gir hugged himself.

"Yes. A twenty thousand million ton space monster that likes to hug planets in an embrace so powerful they crumble beneath his horrible might," Zim snarled. "Don't you remember those Irken history files I downloaded into your memory?"

"Uh I forgot."

"Of course you did," Zim grumbled. "Well if you did remember you would know that creature was a threat to the Irken Empire! Mostly because it kept hugging and destroying conquered worlds or soon to be conquered worlds! It was only with the cunning of Almighty Tallest Miyuki the Irken Armada managed to shove it into a wormhole exiling the creature from the Irken Empire!"

"So that's where you got the idea?" Gir waved his hands.

"Yes Gir. I created a temporary temporal wormhole sending Squishy out of this solar system far, far away so he couldn't interfere with our mission!" Zim snapped. "Why do I have to explain this to you? You were there and saw it with your own robot eyes ten minutes ago!"

"Oh yeah…" Gir thought. "So where did he go?"

"I don't know and I don't care," Zim grumbled. "Just as long as he's far away from us and our mission!"

Gir scratched his head. "Wait…Wait. Why didn't you just use Squishy to destroy the Earth?"

"Why didn't I use…?" Zim groaned. "Gir that's not the point! There's a principle involved here! Nobody destroys the Earth but me! Got it? Besides they have a rule in the Invader Code against using Squishy to destroy worlds after the disasters at Planets Destructa One and Two."

"Oh. So it wouldn't have counted?" Gir asked.

"No, it wouldn't," Zim sighed.

"Oh. Okay. I'm gonna go outside now!" Gir skipped away.

"Don't forget to put on your disguise!" Zim snapped.

"I won't!" Gir said cheerfully.

"Ugh…One of these days I really have to fix Gir's intelligence chip," Zim grumbled. "No wonder I'm so behind on taking over this stupid stink ball! If it isn't Gir slowing me down or the Dib interfering it's all these distractions! Time to get back to work on my latest plan for destroying the world!"

He went to a goldfish bowl with a small goldfish inside. He shoved a small replica of the Earth into the bowl. He cackled madly then went to a large marker board and wrote several calculations. "Yes! Yes! It's all coming together! The fish is the key! The fish is the key!"

Meanwhile outside the house Gir in his dog costume was skipping around outside. Then he saw something. A familiar dog with a scar on his forehead and one huge eye was sitting on the lawn. Gir tilted his head. The dog looked at Gir.

"Aww…I'm gonna take you inside!" Gir said as he picked up the dog and ran inside.

Zim was still working on his calculations. "Now the problem is how do I get the fish to tap dance and attack Dib at the same time?" He grumbled. "This is going to be more difficult than I thought. Think Zim…Think…I need absolute quiet and no distractions…"

"And here is our secret lab where we're plotting to take over the world," Gir was heard speaking. "And that's a board thing and that's the floor. HI FLOOR!"

"GIR!" Zim shouted. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You didn't bring that stupid pig back into this base again did you?"

"No! I brought a dog!" Gir pointed to a dog on the floor. It's back was to Zim and looking at Gir.

"Gir it's bad enough I was forced to save the stupid Earth from another alien menace so that I could take over the planet instead of the stupid alien menace from destroying it…" Zim gritted his teeth. "But do you have to bring a stupid Earth dog into this house?"

The dog then turned around. It was that strange Chihuahua with a scar across his forehead and one large eye. "MADNESS!" Zim screamed as he pointed at the dog.

"THAT IS IT!" The dog yelled with a Latino accent. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THAT NAME!" He leapt at Zim and tackled Zim to the ground.

"UHHHFFF!" Zim gasped as he was tackled.

"MY NAME IS NOT MADNESS!" The Chihuahua screamed in Zim's face. "Why does everyone call me that? My name is Manuel Alehandro Delgado Nuevo Esteban Siente the Second! IT IS NOT MADNESS!"

"It spells Madness," Gir said innocently.

"What?" The dog gave him a look.

"Your initials. They spell MADNESS!" Gir chirped.

"Yeah they do," Zim realized.

"They do not!" The dog snapped.

"Do so," Zim said.

"Do not!"

"Do so," Gir said.

"Do not! See!" The dog went to Zim's calculation board and picked up a marker. "Look! M! A! D! N! E! S….Oh I see where you are going with this."

"It spells madness," Zim folded his arms.

"I suppose it does," The dog sighed. "Okay fine. You can call me Madness only because it is easier for your inferior Irken mind!"

"Wait a minute! How do you know I'm an Irken? And for that matter how can you talk? Earth dogs don't talk!" Zim yelled.

"Oh yeah they don't," Gir blinked. "Except me."

"You're a robot Gir!" Zim snapped. "You're a robot disguised as a dog! Wait are you a robot?"

"No, I am not a robot. But I am also an alien to this planet like you," Madness sat down on the floor. "It is a long tale of sadness, woe and misery."

"I'm going to hear an origin story whether I want to or not am I?" Zim groaned.

"I am from the planet Canineia," Madness began. "A highly advanced civilization whose ancestors evolved from dogs. However our lives were not peaceful. There was constant war and threats from attacks from the brutal Doberman Union and the Great Dane Empire."

"My people, the Chihuahua Nation decided to send colonists on other worlds to settle in peace in case the war ended badly for us. I was the leader of the colony that landed on Earth thousands of years ago. Soon we had a thriving colony with many great cities. We even domesticated the Aztec and the Mayan people and they became our loyal and loving pets."

"You made humans your pets?" Zim asked.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Madness sighed. "Unfortunately they weren't exactly the smartest species on the block. I told my humans not to give the Spanish all the gold but did they listen? No! Anyway long story short…"

"Too late…" Zim grumbled.

"The attack of the Spanish coincided with a Planetary Eclipse that temporarily made all technological advances incompatible and obsolete," Madness went on. "An eclipse that happens every ten thousand million years. Our people were slaughtered and subjugated. The remaining few survivors were treated so badly that they could never talk again nor would their descendants. They would devolve into common dogs. Slaves to the humans. The only reason I survived is because I was off the planet at the time of the attack. I had to go to Caninera for a mandatory job review. You know those things."

"Oh yeah those are a pain," Zim nodded.

"Not only did I get a less than favorable review from my superior who just happened to be my childhood rival and was a real jerk…" Madness went on. "By the time I returned and discovered what happened, our civilization had been destroyed and my one true love Willimena was missing. I searched the world for her for decades. And when I found her…It was too late."

"So why didn't you just take off for home on your ship?" Zim asked.

"I am getting to that!" Madness snapped. "Don't be so impatient!"

"Sorry," Zim apologized.

"Anyway, after a period of grieving and some time of reflection and relaxation in Acapulco…" Madness went on. "I decided to return to my home planet. Even though I knew I would be shamed and humiliated for the loss of my colony. Then I decided to forget that and just go to some resort planet. When who should I encounter but an Irken! A weasely…conniving trickster of an Irken named Zom!"

"Zom? As in Zom the Wanderer? One of Irk's greatest heroes and known as the first true invader of Irkenkind?" Zim gasped. "Zom was here? On this planet?"

"That's the guy," Madness said. "Now that I think about it you look a lot like this Zom, only you are a bit shorter than he was. Are you related to him?"

"Oh all Irkens are related to each other," Zim said. "We're all brothers, sisters and cousins because much of the DNA of the great Irkens is passed down into new batches of smeets with slight improvements and different mixtures."

"Really?" Madness blinked.

"Yes. In fact all Irkens that ever lived can trace their ancestry back to the great Irken Hive Queen Enya and her two brothers slash royal consorts," Zim nodded.

"That explains a lot," Gir remarked.

"So Zom was on Earth? I'm not the first Irken to discover this planet?" Zim asked.

"Unfortunately no," Madness sighed. "I guess he didn't tell anyone because of what happened here all those centuries ago."

"What happened?" Zim asked.

"I beat him in a poker game," Madness said. "Won his ship fair and square. However the jerk tricked me into getting drunk. By the time my hangover cleared up the jerk took off with not only his ship, but mine too!"

"Oh that explains it," Zim nodded. "I guess he didn't want you coming after him."

"Right. And I would have if I found a ship!" Madness snapped. "So I spent centuries searching for a way to escape the Earth. I wandered the Earth posing as a simple stray, refusing to accept a human owner! So degrading!"

"Yeah I get that," Zim said. "I'd never let a human tell me what to do."

"What about Gaz?" Gir asked.

"That is different! She is not my owner! She's just a psychopath!" Zim snapped. "The only reason I let her live is to annoy Dib!"

"Any-way…" Madness interrupted, quite annoyed. "As you can imagine I've been wandering this planet for centuries. Admittedly spending a few decades in Acapulco… Yada, yada, yada…Heard rumors of aliens on this planet. Found you. Observed you and now I am going to steal your ship!"

"What? You can't have my ship! It's my ship!" Zim snapped. "Besides how did you figure out that I'm an Irken?"

"You're kidding right?" Madness gave him a look.

"How did you uncover Zim's brilliant disguise! Tell me!" Zim shouted.

"The fact that you look and smell almost exactly like the jerk who stranded me here centuries ago wasn't a clue?" Madness growled. "Green! No nose! Acts like an idiot! Seriously? I have to explain that?"

"How?" Zim yelled.

"You know what? I'm just going to go take your ship and strand you here anyway," Madness grunted. "Not just getting back at the Irken who stranded me here but you are really annoying!"

"Oh and how are you going to do that?" Zim laughed. "You're just a stupid little dog!"

"Say hello to my little friend," Madness pulled out a blaster from one of his ears. He fired it randomly.

"AAAHHHHH!" Zim ducked for cover. "Okay so you're a little dog with a big blaster."

Madness then pulled out another large blaster from his ears. "Two big blasters!" Madness grinned. Then fired.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Zim ran around the base on his PAK legs. "GIR! GIR! HELP ME HERE! DO SOMETHING!"

"AHHHHHHHH!" Gir ran around in circles screaming.

Madness stopped to look at Gir. "And I thought Zom's robot was weird."

"TAKE THIS!" Zim threw some kind of smoke bomb at Madness. The whole room filled up with smoke.

"Cough! Tricky Irken slime! You forget however that I am a dog! Therefore I have a superior sense of smell! BLEACH!" Madness coughed.

"Enjoy the stink bomb dog! And now you will learn what happens when you attack a superior Invader in his own lair!" Zim grabbed a blaster and fired it at Madness.

However he couldn't see his opponent because of the smoke. He missed Madness but he did hit the goldfish bowl. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zim screamed when the smoke cleared. "MY MASTER PLAN FOR TAKING OVER THE EARTH!"

"You are going to…Seriously? The goldfish is part of a plan to take over the Earth?" Madness did a double take.

"Gir! Save the fish! Save the fish!" Zim ordered Gir.

"Okay!" Gir ran over to the fish flopping around. He then promptly ate the fish.

"That was…a bit disturbing," Madness blinked.

"NOOOOOOOOO! GIR! I SAID SAVE THE FISH! NOT EAT IT!" Zim shouted.

"I ate it allllllllllllllllll up!" Gir licked his metallic lips. Well his mouth anyway.

"Dude there is just something not right about you," Madness blinked. "Oh well all the more reason to shoot you!" He started firing his laser again.

"AAAAHHHH!" Zim shouted as they had a shoot out in the lair, destroying several things in the process but not each other.

Eventually Zim was forced to run into another room, dragging Gir with him. He barricaded the door in one room. "Come on Gir! We can escape in the teleporter and go to my space station!"

"We have a space station?" Gir blinked.

"Uh yes! Remember the time the Dib broke into my base and his stupid sister came to rescue him?" Zim snapped. "But Gaz was more interested in eating pizza than fighting me!"

"Oh yeah…" Gir nodded. "I remember that."

"COME OUT AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN YOU INSECT!" Madness was heard yelling as he pounded on the door.

"He's not a happy camper," Gir remarked.

"Unbelievable!" Zim grumbled. "If it isn't one thing interfering with my plans to take over the Earth it's another! Dib is bad enough but all these stupid distractions are really…stupid! First those stupid alien babies, then the Planet Jackers, Tak, Skoodge, Sizz Lor…Those stupid aliens that tried to fuse me with juice and duct tape. Those Plookesioans that gave me those weapons that didn't even work very well. I mean seriously, who gives out death weapons that only shoot out grape soda? Squishy. Those demons from Dib's stupid brain dimension. The big ham demon and those pants aliens I fought a while back…"

Zim thought a second. "You know for an out of the way backwater, this planet has an awful lot of space traffic!"

"Uh huh," Gir nodded.

BOOOOOOOOM!

"Give me your ship you Irken Slime!" Madness snarled as he burst through the door and tackled Zim.

"You can't have my ship! It's MINE!" Zim fought back. "Why do people always want my ship? They can't have it!"

"Give it to me!"

"NO!"

"Give it!"

"NO!"

"GIVE IT!"

"NO!"

"Do we have any nachos?" Gir asked as Zim and Madness rolled around on the floor fighting with each other.

"GIVE ME YOUR SHIP!"

"NEVER!"

"I WILL NOT BE DENIED!"

"I SHALL DENY YOU! STOP BITING ME!"

"NEVER!"

"I thought we had nachos," Gir scratched his head.

"GIVE ME YOUR SHIP!"

"NO WAY MADNESS!"

"MY NAME IS NOT MADNESS!"

"WELL I CAN'T PRONOUNCE YOUR STUPID NAME MANNY WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!"

"MY NAME IS MANUEL ALEHANDRO…" Madness screamed as they rolled into a teleporter and teleported away.

Gir calmly followed them into the teleporter and soon he was in the space station orbiting the Earth. "ESTEBAN SIENTE THE SECOND!" Madness finished his rant.

"WHATEVER YOU'RE CALLED YOU'RE STILL A JERK!" Zim snapped as he knocked Madness backwards.

"YEOW! My paw! My beautiful paw!" Madness yelled. There was a long red scar on his right paw. "You have maimed the beauty of my beautiful paw! No one scars me and lives to tell about it!"

"What about that scar on your forehead?" Zim asked.

"I got that in the wars on my home planet," Madness growled. "Like I said, no one scars me and lives to tell about it!"

"So…The guy who did that is dead?" Zim blinked.

"Yeah. That's the general message in a statement like that," Madness remarked. He pulled out his blasters. "And so are you!"

"TICKLE FIGHT!" Gir tackled Madness. "Tickle! Tickle! Tickle!"

"No! Stop! Don't! HA HA HA!" Madness laughed. "GET OFF ME! HA HA HA!"

"Good work Gir!" Zim said as he scooted over to a control pad on his PAK legs. "Now! Get out of the way!"

"Okay!" Gir danced away.

"What?" Madness blinked. Zim pushed a button and a huge hammer came from the ceiling and knocked him backwards. "OOOOOOOOHPFFFFF!"

Right into an open escape pod. "HA! I have a ship! Full of…Tapioca?" Madness looked at the mess around him.

"Yeah that one doesn't exactly work," Zim pushed several buttons. "Gir was fooling around with it the other day. But it will work perfectly enough to get rid of you!"

"WHAT?" Madness shouted as the escape pod clamped down on him. "ZIM!"

"You want to go into outer space? Fine! Here!" Zim pushed the button.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Madness screamed as the damaged escape pod was shot out of the space station. Zim pushed another button and opened up some kind of wormhole in front of the pod. The pod went through a wormhole.

"Bye doggie!" Gir waved. Zim glared at the robot. "What?"

Ten seconds later…

"You realize this was all your fault Gir!" Zim snapped as they returned to the base using the teleporter. "You're the one that brought the stupid dog in here!"

"I'm gonna watch the Scary Monkey Show!" Gir ignored Zim and ran off.

"Oh forget it. I'll disassemble him tomorrow. I'm just too tired. Two alien threats in one day is more than enough. Finally…A chance to relax after this long and horrible day," Zim sat down in a chair.

The Computer spoke. "Incoming transmission from the Tallest."

"The Tallest? Now? Oh I'm not ready for my report!" Zim nervously answered his machine. "My Tallest! This is unexpected!"

"Yeah. I'll bet," Red glared at him. "We are currently orbiting our military base planet of Destructia Three. You know the one that produces some of our most powerful weapons and houses some of our fiercest fighting forces?"

"Yes I know of the planet," Zim blinked.

"Thought you would. Uh Zim…Can I ask you something?" Red asked. "Do you know anything about THAT?"

The monitor changed to show a giant space monster hugging a planet. The planet seemed to crumble and break under its grip. "So that's where Squishy went," Zim blinked.

"Yeah we thought you had something to do with this," Purple sighed. He looked at Red. "You owe me a box of donuts."

"Zim I don't know what in Irk's name you are doing on that planet but…" Red growled. Then an alarm sounded. "Now what is going on?"

"Something is coming out of hyperspace! Something fast and…" A technician shouted.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

CRASH!

Something familiar crash landed in the Massive's bridge. "AAAAAGGGHHH!" Madness hopped out of the escape pod, covered in tapioca. "AH! MADNESS!" Purple screamed pointing at the dog.

"DON'T CALL ME BY THAT NAME!" Madness screamed as he pulled his blasters out and started shooting the place up. He saw Zim on the monitor. "YOU! I HATE YOU ZIM! Do you have any idea what covering a dog of my stature in tapioca means on my planet? IT IS AN INSULT! THE ULTIMATE INSULT! I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON YOU! REVENGE!"

"Do I even want to know about this one?" Red turned to Zim on the monitor.

"Uh not really," Zim gulped.

"I thought not," Red sighed as the dog with the blasters chased around all the technicians and shot the place up. Soldiers chased the dog around and they shot the place up. The same soldiers also slipped and fell on the globs of tapioca all over the floor. Basically there was a lot of chaos going on in the background.

"NO! THEY BLEW UP THE COFFEE MACHINE!" Purple screamed.

"Zim…Remind me to torture you later," Red growled. "After we call animal control! Tallest out!"

The monitor went dead. "I think that went well," Gir remarked. "You want fish for dinner?" Zim glared at his robot.